Lisa ‘Gravel’ Fantasia—the fox—is a Christian pom pom girl. And she discovers a cheerleader guy crossdresser who lives across the hall from her. She visits him to lead him to salvation, and she finds out about his major crush for a girl named Heidi. And the fox has to convince him to choose Christ as Saviour over his cheerleader uniform his sin of drag.
THE FOX
By Mr. Morgan P. McCarthy
The Christian pom pom girl was reading her Bible in her living room as she sat upon the floor next to her apartment’s odd window. From where she was sitting, her face was at the bottom of the window. And what made this apartment window most odd was that it did not look out to the outside, bur rather looked out into the hallway outside her apartment up here on the second floor. This apartment building was a somewhat rundown brick building with a metal roof in De Pere on the corner of Michigan Street and George Street. It had five apartments—three, including hers—on the second floor; and two on the first floor. Up here hers was the second one on the left; and another apartment was next to hers; and another apartment was across the hall from hers. The one across the hall had the number “2” on its door. She could see that here from through her window. This hallway up here to her right became stairs that went down to the first floor. The one apartment to this first floor had its door right alongside the front door to this building; and the other first floor apartment had its door outside and to the side, with a separate street number from those inside this hallway. This young woman was a St. Norbert College Green Knight pom and dance girl, and this girl dearly cherished her pom and dance
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uniform. More than herself and less than her Saviour did she love her outfit. It consisted of an over-sized Orlon acrylic long-sleeved sweater full of green and white and gold with a chenille emblem that read “LISA”; and also a polyester double knit box-pleated skirt of green pleats with alternating white and gold contrasting pleats. It was November now here in northeast Wisconsin, and the weather was now somewhat cold and somewhat cool outside. Thanksgiving was coming up, and the young woman said, “Thank You, Lord, for my salvation,” once again in prayer. Then she thanked God for how He had made her. She greatly appreciated being made a brown-eyed brunette. Her dark brown hair was long and straight and wispy and with bangs. And her brown eyes were alive with the Holy Spirit of God, herself being yet in her early twenties. Her underlining pencil of number two-and-one-half lead in her right hand, this Lisa continued her Bible study alone with God here upon the floor, ready for the next underlining to come upon her for a Bible verse that stuck out for her. She was now in Mark chapter four. And she came to verse eight. And this is what it said: “And other fell on good ground, and did yield fruit that sprang up and increased; and brought forth, some thirty, and some sixty, and some an hundred.” Lisa knew this to be a soul-winning verse, and she was an active soul-winner as a born-again believer. She then said to God, “My won soul XXX was Mom; my won soul LX was
Dad’ and my won soul XCIX was my landlord.” As a bearer of fruit, the pom pom girl had brought forth thirty, sixty, ninety-nine, but not yet a hundred. She now prayed, “Lord, please use me to win soul C for you sometime tonight.” And she went ahead to underline this verse and resume her Bible-reading for the day. And further on in Mark chapter four she came upon verse twenty with her underlining pencil ready in her hand. And this verse was much like the other verse, this verse saying the following: “And these are they which are sown on good ground; such as hear the word, and receive it, and bring forth fruit, some thirtyfold, some sixty, and some an hundred.” “Some an hundred,” she prayed. “Let it be said of me in my witness-warrior life, ‘some an hundred.’” Then Lisa went on to underline this verse as well.
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Then this pom and dance girl of St. Norbert College thought that she saw something across the hall here through this incongruous window, and she looked up from her King James Bible. Yes, there was something happening out there in the second-floor hallway. Apartment two’s door was now ajar. It was open just a little, and it was not opening any more for now. A man’s face looked out furtively through this barely open door, and he looked to be about in his late thirties. Whatever he was doing or planning on doing looked to be somewhat sneaky in his tentativeness here on the other side of the door.
Intrigued, more than a little curious, Lisa watched and waited. This man did not see her face, but she saw his face. He had on glasses and had a mustache and a goatee. Then this fellow stepped outside his apartment as if setting out on an adventure. And this man was dressed as a high school girl cheerleader! He had on something much like what she had on—a guy did! His cheerleader sweater was also long-sleeved and with true cheerleader patterns; but his cheerleader sweater abounded with maroon and white and some gray, and it had on a chenille emblem reading “HEIDI.” And his cheerleader skirt was also abounding in box pleats, but his main pleats were maroon, and his contrasting pleats were white. The pom pom girl did not know what to make of this cheerleader guy.
But she continued watching to see what he was planning on doing out there in his strange apparel, and he did not see her there through the window. He then shut his apartment door behind himself, stood there for a moment of decision, then pranced down the hall and down the stairs and down to the first floor, and then pranced back up here and back into his apartment and closed the door behind himself.
To the inquisitive onlooker here watching through her window, it looked like he wanted other people to see him thus, and yet did now want people to see him thus. Were such men like him ‘exhibitionists of their feminine clothes?’ And was this man shy in his transgender apparel? She had heard of men dressing like women. They were called “cross dressers.” And this “Heidi,” whom he commemorated on his chenille emblem—was he this “Heidi” or was some crush of his this “Heidi?” Was this cheerleader uniform one that belonged to this Heidi? Or did it belong to this man smitten by this
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Heidi? Either way, this new neighbor man across the hall knew what it felt like to have on a cheerleader uniform just as Lisa knew what it was like to have on a pom pom girl uniform. And she just had to go over and say ”Hi,” and “Welcome,” to this new man of the building. Of course, most of all, she would try to talk to him about Christ. Could she lead a cross dresser to the Lord? Maybe. With God all things were possible. “Soul C, Lord. Here goes,” said Lisa. And she went over and knocked on the door of apartment two across the hall.
“Woe!” a man’s voice called forth from the other side of the closed door to himself.
“Hi, neighbor,” called back Lisa here alone in the hall. “I hope that I am not intruding.” There was no reply. Then she said,”I’m your neighbor from across the hall.”
“You honor me with a visit,” said the fellow from behind the closed door. “I don’t usually have visitors in my little life in my apartments.”
“May I come in?” she asked.
“I am not dressed for company right now, miss,” he said.
“Shall I come another time?” she asked.
“No, Miss,” he said. “Now would be okay with me for a visit from my neighbor from across the hall. But I warn you, I am not dressed for a lady right now.”
“I’m a born-again Christian, and I wanted to tell you about Christ,” she said.
“I find born-again Christians most understanding people,” he said. “’What’s your name?’ may I ask before I open my door?”
“The pom and dance girl said, “I am Lisa Fantasia. What’s your name?”
“I am Flanders Nickels,” he said. And he opened his door wide to another person despite his secret life as a transgender cheerleader.
Lisa saw him in front of her without a window between them and he did look much like a cute guy were he not dressed much like she were. He first saw her and he said, “Love your outfit, Miss
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Fantasia!”
“Why, thank you, Mr. Nickels,” she said. “I kind of like your outfit, too,” This pom and dance girl in green and gold and white had always wondered what it was like to be dressed in maroon and white as this fellow was.
“Excuse me for any lack of propriety, but I do find your face even prettier than your clothes, Lisa,” he said. “I never thought to see a face that beautiful before.”
This most strange flattery from this man who loved women’s clothes impressed this pom pom girl most aptly. “Am I that beautiful to you already, Flanders?” she asked. “It sounds like ‘crush at first sight.’”
“Oh, that it is, Lisa,” he said. “You are a most foxy lady.”
“I’m a fox?” she asked, loving to hear all of this praise from this handsome fellow despite his feminine attire.
“You are to me now, Lisa, ‘The Fox,’ capital letters,” he commended her.
“I also have a nickname that I call myself, Flanders,” she said.
“What is it?” asked Flanders.
“Gravel,” Lisa Fantasia told him.
“Ah, Lisa ‘Gravel’ Fantasia,” he said out loud to taste that name in his ears.
A pleasant moment of muteness passed between them as they looked upon each other there in the doorway. He admired her whole self; she admired his face and questioned his apparel. Then she said, “Happy Thanksgiving this Thursday, Flanders.”
And he said, “Happy Thanksgiving to you, also, Gravel, this Thursday,”
“Merry Christmas next month,” she said, getting comfortable with him very quickly.
“Happy Halloween last month,” he said, loosing himself quickly from his shyness dressed as a cross dresser in front of a woman.
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“Flanders, do you watch football?” she asked, ready to share her favorite made-up riddle with
him.
“Yes, I do, Gravel,” he said. “I am an N.F.L. fan through and through.”
“I have a riddle that I came up with this year,” said the fox.
“A riddle! Tell me your riddle, Lisa,” said Flanders.
“What’s green and gold and wins football games?” she said.
“Ah, the Green Bay Packers?” he asked.
“No. The St. Norbert Green Knights,” she said.
She got him to laugh out loud with her. And he said, “One could also say ‘the Preble Hornets,’”
“Yes. You’re right. Preble High School in east Green Bay, Flanders,” said this fox. And he got her to laugh with him.
“Would you like to come into my humble little home and join me at my living room table, Lisa?” he asked.
“I warn you, Flanders. I always talk about God,” she said.
“I do not mind God,” he said. “I would be glad to hear you tell me about God.”
And he led her to his table and four table chairs. He first pulled out a chair for her, and then he came around to the other side of the table to pull out a chair for himself. In good manners, Lisa waited until her host first sat down before she sat down. And he sat down like a guy, himself carelessly scrunching up his cheerleader pleats underneath himself without regard to the skirt’s need for tender loving care. Herself being a woman, the fox gently tucked her pom pom girl pleats underneath herself before she sat down on her chair, thus honoring her pleats for the care they did deserve. Upon seeing this, Flanders arose from his chair and did follow through in like and carefully folded his maroon and white pleats underneath where he then sat down just as she had her green and gold and white pleats as she had sat down.
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“That’s much better, Flanders,” said Lisa Fantasia. “I’ll make a girl out of you yet.” Upon this jest, Flanders flashed a smile in his eyes upon her in affection. “Oh, I should not have said that,” quickly said the fox. “I’m really, really sorry, Flanders.”
Yet this truly affable and strange fellow said, “Don’t be sorry, Gravel. I consider that a compliment. I liked that!”
“Really?” she asked.
“You are talking to a wannabe girl, after all, Lisa,” he told her.
“Yeah. I guess you are right at that,” she said. Then the fox looked at what he had upon this living room table. And she beheld what looked like catalogs. Some were called “Cheerzone.” Some were called “Cranbarry.” Some were called “Spirit Fashions.” Some were called “Cheer Fantastic.”
Most were called “Varsity, Incorporated.” Pictures of cheerleaders were on all of the covers.
“Do you like these?” he asked her.
“What are all of these, Flanders?” she asked.
“Cheerleader uniform fashion catalogs from the last ten years,” he said.
“This one at the top of your pile says, ‘Varsity, Incorporated, 1999.’” said the fox.
“That is the one that came last month, Gravel,” he said.
“Oo, may I take a look, Flanders?” she asked.
“I’d be honored to let you see it, Gravel,” he said.
“Is it okay with a cheerleader like yourself if a pom pom girl like myself were to look at his cheerleader catalog?” she flirted with him.
“Cheerleaders and pom and dance girls dress alike, Gravel,” he said in good flirtatious fun.
“Pom and dance women rule,” she said in tease.
“No. Cheerleader women rule,” he said in tease right back. And both laughed. And she picked up this most recent of his fashion catalogs and began to look through it in great enjoyment.
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And as she looked through the 1999 fashions of this year, she said out loud in her knowledge of such apparel, “Ah, shells and vests, sweaters, chenille emblems, box-pleated skirts, knife-pleated skirts, break-away-pleated skirts.”
“You know all about your stuff, Gravel,” he praised her her wisdom of the catalog uniforms.
“I kind of wish that I had your outfit, Flanders,” said Gravel. “But yours would be too big for me. I’m size ten.”
“And I was thinking how I wish that I had your outfit, Gravel,” he said. “But yours would be too small for me. I’m size fourteen.”
“Are you jealous of my uniform?” she asked.
“I am, Lisa,” he said. “Are you jealous of my uniform?”
“That I am,” she said.
“Where did you get it?” he asked.
“I got my pom pom girl uniform from the St. Norbert College athletic department,” she said.
“I got mine directly from Varsity, Incorporated just for myself, piece by piece from the catalog and through the mail,” he said. “That was ten years ago back in Elm Street in Green Bay.”
She again read his chenille emblem girl’s name on his cheerleader sweater, and she asked, “Who is this ‘Heidi,’ Flanders?”
“Yeah. Heidi,” he said. “The girl who got away.”
“It sounds like a story with a sad ending,” said the fox.
“I was really hoping that she could have become my first girlfriend,” said Flanders Nickels. “I was in my late twenties, and she was in her adult teens.”
“What happened between you two that you both broke up before you went together?” asked Lisa Fantasia.
“Let us talk about happy things,” he said. “It sounds like you like Christmas, Gravel.”
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“I so love Christmas, O Flanders,” sang out the fox.
“Is Christmas your favorite holiday, Lisa?” asked Flanders.
“Uh huh!” she said with a nod of her head.
“How come?” he asked.
“For three reasons,” she said. “The main reason is that it was Christmas when I got born again.
Another reason is that that is when I most enjoy my Christmas carols, which I enjoy all year round. And the eternal reason is that that is when Christ had come in His First Coming long ago in Bethlehem.”
“What do you mean when you say that you got ‘born again?’” he asked.
“It means that I became saved, that I became a Christian, that I got converted, that I became a believer, that I found my personal Saviour,” she said to him. “That’s five different ways of how we say it, Flanders.”
“That sounds to me like you did a good thing for yourself when you got born again, Gravel,” he said. “As for myself, I got born only once, and that was thirty-nine years ago.”
“I got born the first time twenty-two years ago, and I got born again on Christmas Day twelve years ago.” said Gravel the Fox.
“And you love Christmas carols, Gravel,” he said.
“The traditional ones, Flanders,” she said. “Many from the church hymnbook and many not from the church hymnbook.”
“What are your favorite carols from the hymnbook?” he asked.
“’The First Noel’ and ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing!’ and ‘O Come, All Ye Faithful,’” she said. “In Heaven I shall hear the saints singing ‘The First Noel.’ and I shall hear the angels singing ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing!’ and I myself will be singing ‘O Come, All Ye Faithful.’”
“And what are your favorite carols not from the hymnbook?” he asked.
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“’In The Bleak Midwinter’ and ‘Panis Angelicus’ and ‘The Hallelujah Chorus.’” she did say. And she went on to say, “Sheila Walsh sang ‘In The Bleak Midwinter’ so magically, Flanders, that it was like no other song that I had ever heard. And Robert Goulet’s version of ‘Panis Angelicus’ was my favorite carol of all of that ‘Great Songs of Christmas’ album series that I listened to in my growing up
years. And when I heard the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing ‘The Hallelujah Chorus,’ I decided that that was my favorite carol sung by that choir.”
“And you said something about Christ’s birthplace in Bethlehem,” he said.
“Christ’s First Advent,” she said.
“You called it ‘His First Coming,’” said Flanders.
“They are both the one and the same,” she said.
“That must be very important to history,” he said. “Isn’t that which happened in Bethlehem the difference between history in B.C. and history in A.D.?
“It is, surely,” she said.
“So when do historians say that Jesus was born?” he asked. “O B.C? O A.D.?”
“I can only say that only God knows,” said the fox. “It is a mystery that I can ask Him in Heaven when I get There.”
“I heard that Mary conceived Him, but Joseph did not beget Him,” said Flanders.
“The Holy Spirit begot Jesus,” said the fox. “And Jesus was immaculately conceived in Mary’s womb.”
“The Saviour came into being,” said Flanders without full Bible knowledge.
“Not so, Flanders,” said Miss Fantasia. “The Saviour had always been. Before His birth in Bethlehem, he was enjoying the comforts of Heaven at God the Father’s right hand side.”
“He was living in Heaven before He lived on the Earth, Lisa?” asked Flanders.
“Yes,” said Lisa Fantasia.
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“I knew that Jesus will live forever,” said Flanders, “but I never knew that he had already lived forever.”
“Psalm 93:2, Flanders,” said Miss Fantasia, “Thy throne is established of old: thou art from everlasting.”
“I can comprehend a God Who will live in eternity future, but I cannot comprehend a God Who has already lived in eternity past,” said Flanders.
“That’s because we people live in the temporal world and not the eternal world,” said Gravel. “Humans are not intelligent enough to understand this kind of thing. But God is.” She then said, “The Bible says somewhere ‘that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.’ That is God’s eternal perspective forward and backward.”
“I do not know this God as you know this God, Lisa,” he said. “I feel confident about where you are going after you die, but I am not confident about where I am going after I die.”
“All of us born-again Christians get to go to Heaven to be with Jesus someday,” she said.
“I do not think that I can say the same about myself, Lisa. I am surely no Christian,” he said.
“It’s easy to get saved,” said Lisa Fantasia. “Just humble yourself and ask God to save your soul, and He will save your soul.”
“I am not a real bad person, Lisa,” he said. “I never killed anyone. I never did any drugs. I never robbed a bank. I never got drunk. I listened to Mom and Dad when I still lived at home. Surely you can’t tell me that I’m going to Hell after I die, Lisa.”
“It is written, Flanders, ‘For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.’ James 2:10,” recited the fox erudite Scripture.
“You mean that all it takes for me to go to Hell is to have one little sin that I do in my life?” he asked.
“Verily Jesus saves, Flanders.” said Gravel.
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“I am not so bad, Lisa,” he said again.
“The Bible says that there in none righteous, no, not one,” she said, preaching salvation.
“I am not a real sinner, Gravel,” he said.
“The Bible says that there is none good, no, not one,” she said for the good of his soul.
“Tell me, Lisa Fantasia—what is it that I do that has to send me to Hell?” he said to her.
“Flanders, look at yourself!” she said point-blank at him. “What do you see?”
“I see a man who gets into something comfortable when he comes home from work every day,” he said.
“What does that make you to be, Flanders?” she asked.
“I like to call myself ‘a cross dresser,’” he said. “That word has a nice sound to it.”
“The Lord calls you ‘a drag queen,’” said Gravel.
“Do not call me that, Lisa. That sounds not so nice to be called,” he said.
“It is okay for a woman like myself to wear my pom and dance uniform, but it is not okay for a man like yourself to wear your cheerleader uniform,” declared the just fox.
Flanders went on to say, “Let us go back to talking about happy things again, Lisa.”
“I’ll let up on preaching for now, Flanders, but I will get back to preaching again later on this evening if you let me,” she said.
“I’ll let you, Gravel,” he said. “But what I want to talk about now is Halloween, my favorite holiday. I let you talk all about Christmas; now you have to let me talk all about Halloween.”
“Agreed,” said the fox. “What does Halloween mean to you?”
“October 31,1990, Elm Street, east Green Bay, ten years ago, twenty-nine years old—the one day where I let it all go and I stepped outside as I was and showed everybody. It was the funnest thing I ever did in my life,” summarized Flanders Nickels.
“I can tell what you’re hinting at,” said Lisa Fantasia. “I bet that you went trick-or-treating in
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what you have on right now.”
“I did. That was the only time that I made this cheerleader uniform my Halloween costume.” he said. “I never had enough courage to do that again since. I do not ever step outside in this ordinarily. Though I do like to parade in the hallway, hoping and not hoping that someone might see me, Lisa. Usually this outfit is only for inside. And it is the only women’s clothes that I have. On that most fun trick-or-treating evening alone, I had on this cheerleader sweater and this cheerleader skirt and a black witch hat and a plain black mask and men’s white socks and men’s penny loafers.”
“How come you did not have cheerleader knee socks and cheerleader sneakers, Flanders?”asked the fox.
“I was too poor to afford those after having paid for the main articles of cheerleader apparel,” he said. “I ordered this uniform from Varsity, Incorporated, and it came in three separate shipments to my apartment. First came this.” And he lifted a maroon pleat in indication of his skirt. “And when it came to my home I became mesmerized by its bright sheen of pleat. I had never seen anything so arousing in all my years. I fell in love with it at first sight. And I found out that cheerleader skirts have nothing inside of them, that they had no extra layers within to cover the lower regions, that they just cover the outside. The maroon fabric stole my soul, and the white fabric stole my spirit.” Then Flanders said, “Second came this,” and he put his hand to the name “HEIDI,” on his sweater in indication of the chenille emblem. “Heidi would have looked irresistible if I could have gotten her to dress up in this outfit. It would have fit her just right. She could even have tempted me to do that bad thing with her.”
Then he said, “And third came this,” and he put his right hand around his left cuff in indication of his cheerleader sweater. “I fell head-over-heels with this; it was the perfect complement to the skirt. And its vibrant and colorful material drew me in its luster and in its pattern and in its comfort. And right away I did spend most of my night after work sewing this chenille emblem onto this sweater with needle and thread. And behold, I was ready for so brave and new trick-or-treating now, and Halloween
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then was only a few days away, Gravel.”
“Did you have your beard and mustache then that you have now?” asked the fox.
“Yeah,” he said. “But my mustache was still not full then, and my beard was only a goatee then.”
“Did you get any compliments on your trick-or-treating adventure, Flanders?” asked Miss Fantasia, getting caught up this handsome fellow’s reminiscence.
“The best compliment ever,” he said. “That happiest day of my life, a car of young people drove by, and a young man called out to me, ‘Nice skirt!’”
“I would like that if a guy yelled that out to me about my pom pom skirt,” said the fox.
“It is still the nicest thing that I ever bought, Gravel,” he said.
“Did any other strangers call out to you and say to you, ‘Hi, Heidi?’” asked Miss Fantasia.
“No, but something better happened than that,” said Flanders.
“What?” asked Gravel.
“I met Heidi,” said Flanders.
“Yourself in that?” asked Lisa.
“Uh huh,” he said with a nod.
“For real?” asked Gravel.
“Yes,” said Flanders. “And she said, ‘Nice sweater, Flanders.’”
“I bet that that compliment came from your favorite person,” said Miss Fantasia.
“It was the nicest compliment that I ever got from Heidi,” said Flanders.
“And, from what I gather, you and she were probably not dating yet then, but that you both wanted to date then,” said the fox.
“Our little romance was only in flirting at work together,” said Flanders. “All I needed do was to ask her out for a date, and we would have been boyfriend-and-girlfriend for happily ever after.”
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“What do you think that Heidi was thinking when she saw you all dandy like that for Halloween, Flanders?” asked the fox.
“I couldn’t tell. She put her hand over her big grin,” said Flanders.
“How did you feel when, suddenly, Heidi was standing right there in the middle of your trick-or-treating?” asked Miss Fantasia.
“I felt good—quite good,” said Flanders.
“So when did you go ahead and ask her out?” asked the fox.
“Right then and there when she was staring at her name of my chenille emblem,” said Flanders. “I said, ‘Heidi, would you like to come over and look at cheerleader pictures with me?’”
“What did she say?” asked Gravel.
“She did not say anything—not a ‘yes,’ not a ‘no,’ not a ‘later.’” said Flanders.
“Uh oh,” said Lisa.
“I then held out my little hollow plastic orange pumpkin full of candy, and I said, ‘Trick or treat, pretty Heidi.’” said Flanders.
“What did she say to that?” asked the fox.
Flanders sighed and groaned and looked down. And he said, “My pretty Heidi said to me, ‘Flanders, I am the only one who wears the skirts and dresses between you and me. You were handsome; now you are pretty. I cannot date a transvestite like you.’ And right away Heidi walked out of my life for ever since.”
“That’s sad,” said Lisa. “But you can’t really blame her. We girls want our guys to look masculine. That’s the way it is.”
“I guess that girls’ clothes are more important to me than girls,” said Flanders. “I lost the girl, but kept the cheerleader uniform.”
“And she was like your only girl. Wasn’t she?” asked Gravel.
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“Heidi was the only woman of her kind,” said Flanders, “and I feel as if she had betrayed me.”
“Jesus will never betray you, Flanders,” said Miss Fantasia.
“How can He not betray me seeing that I do not even acknowledge Him, Lisa?” asked Flanders.
“’If we believe not, yet he abideth faithful: he cannot deny himself.’ II Timothy 2:13,” recited the fox Scripture.
“Would you betray me, Lisa Fantasia?” asked Flanders.
“Would you betray your drag, Flanders Nickels?” asked the fox Gravel.
“If I did get saved like you are, would God make me give this up?” he asked about his cheerleader outfit.
“God would either take away your fetish from your heart, or else He would give you the grace to overcome its temptation day by day, Flanders,” she said.
“But if I were to make that sacrifice, would God never betray me then?” asked Flanders.
“The Heavenly Father never betrays His children, O Flanders,” said Gravel. “In Deuteronomy 31:6 God promises this, Flanders: ‘Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.’ Moses said this verse to his people of Israel,” said the fox. “And again in Deuteronomy 31:8, God also made this promise: ‘And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.’ Moses said this verse to Joshua.”
“God is not a traitor,” said Flanders out loud in wisdom.
“Again it is written unto Joshua in his ministry for God as the conqueror of the promised land, ‘There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Moses, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.’ Joshua 1:5,” preached Gravel good words. “And also is it written unto Solomon in his ministry for God as the builder of God’s great temple. ‘And David said unto Solomon his son, Be strong and of a good courage, and do it: fear not, nor be
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dismayed: for the Lord God, even my God, will be with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee, until thou hast finished all the work for the service of the house of the Lord.’ I Chronicles 28:20.”
“I am hardly great like Joshua or Solomon,” said Flanders.
“God is no respecter of persons, Flanders,” said Lisa. “The God of the Old Testament is the same God of the New Testament.”
“And I need to get born again first,” said Flanders.
“Yes,” said Miss Fantasia.
“Then God will be to me like He was to Joshua and Solomon,” said Flanders.
“God’s Word says in Matthew 20:28 to us believers, ‘…: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.’” said Gravel the fox.
Suddenly Flanders said, “But I’ve got my cheerleader uniform! What do I need God for?” And having said this, he stood abruptly up from his chair and dared to shake his fist up at Heaven.
But just as he began this most stubborn rebellion, cheerleader man and pom and dance woman heard a most loud and manifest ripping of material. Lisa saw a beautiful cheerleader sweater caught in the edge of the table and rent thoroughly from top to bottom in its front. Flanders saw in this same accident something much more like a death of a loved one. In dismay, Gravel stood up from her chair. In shock, Flanders fell down upon his chair.
In the wisdom of the moment, Lisa Fantasia said, “Your cheerleader uniform is not with you always, even unto the end of the world.”
In stammer, Flanders said, “My cheerleader uniform, Lisa…it has betrayed me.”
Indeed he had been wearing this outfit every day now for ten years. It was showing much wear and tear this past year. And now it finally wore out. And it was all wrecked now on him. He could no longer wear it. It was ripped. And it could not be fixed or sewn up or repaired. His cross dressing life was over.
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“Flanders, would you like to get saved right now?” asked Lisa Fantasia.
“Yes, Lisa. I would like to get saved right now,” said Flanders Nickels.
“Let us pray,” she said. He understood. She would pray, and he would repeat her prayer line by line. By doing this, he could be saved from his sins. And he would be a born-again believer like herself. And then he could go to Heaven instead of to Hell. Both bowed their heads at his living room table.
Just then a knock came upon his apartment door.
“Don’t answer it right now, Flanders,” said Gravel in warning. He sat there in curiosity as to who was out there. Then the knock repeated itself. Flanders stood up. “Flanders, that’s the Devil coming just as you are about to get saved,” said Lisa in urgency. He did not sit back down. He did not get visitors yet in his new apartment much these days.. The knock repeated itself again. “Let us pray, O Flanders,” she cried out. Instead he went to the door and opened it.
And Lisa Fantasia prayed in intercession, “Dear Jesus, please don’t let Flanders slip away.”
Behold, at the door, a deliveryman in brown. He handed Flanders a package and a letter, and then left. And to her dismay, the man whom she was about to lead to the Lord in this living room was now staying out there in the hall and not coming back to the living room right away. Then something worse happened– he said something truly dreadful to her but awesome to himself, “It’s from Heidi!”
“God save him!” cried out Gravel, truly vexed.
Happy, he went on to say, “She wrote a letter and sent a package, Lisa. This is what she has to say.” And he read this letter to her: “Dear Flanders, this is Heidi. Do you miss me? I’ve been missing you. I want to say that I am sorry for the way that I ran off on you like I did. Would you forgive me? I’ve been carrying a torch for you, Flanders, ever since. Could we go out together sometime and maybe become boyfriend and girlfriend? This time we could get it right, and I will not do what I did last time to you. And, Flanders—you’ll probably love to hear this—but I, myself,
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have experimented and tried out cross dressing. And I like it. I discovered men’s clothes for myself. I now know all about how you feel toward my women’s clothes. And the way I feel now, if I get to be the one in our dating who wears the pants and the shirts, then you can be the one who wear the skirts and the dresses. I was all wrong, and you were all right. Call me back if you want to have some fun with me as I do with you. Your wannabe guy to my wannabe girl, your fair nymph Heidi. P, S. I sent you something that I think that you might like. Stop everything you’re doing right now, and open it up right away, boyfriend. You’ll just love it.’”
“Flanders, whatever is in that package from Heidi is from Satan the enemy of your eternal soul.” cried out Lisa.
“But I’ve just got to open it,” said Flanders,
“If you have to open it, would you wait to open it until after you pray for salvation?” asked Gravel. “After that, at least my heart may rest in the security of your soul, no matter what she might do to you in your new walk with Christ after.”
“No, Gravel. I think that I will open it right now,” said Flanders.
“Would you open it right now if it cost you Jesus?” asked Lisa Fantasia.
“If I open up this present right now here in this hallway, then I will probably go to Hell for doing so?” asked Flanders. Offended, Flanders came back, set the package down and sat back down.
“The wily Devil is watching right now, and he saw himself just about to lose you to Christ, and he sent that deliveryman right here just before we could get you saved, Flanders,” said Gravel the fox.
“Surely I can come to your Christ later—right after I see what Heidi is giving me, Lisa.” said Flanders.
“That’s the lie that Satan is telling you right now, O Flanders,” entreated Lisa Fantasia.
“You’re telling me that the Devil wants to make sure that my later—my time to pray with you and get saved—might not come for me again. Aren’t you, Gravel?” asked Flanders Nickels.
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“Oh, I surely am!” said Gravel.
“He can do that?” asked Flanders.
“He can, because as long as you reject Christ, he is still your father,” said Lisa.
“I really do want to get saved,” he said. “And maybe right now would be best with all that just happened..” He looked down upon his destroyed cheerleader sweater in great remorse.
“Your cheerleader uniform never died for your sins, Flanders,” she said.
“Christ did. Didn’t he?” asked Flanders.
“Yes. He did,” said Miss Fantasia.
“What should I do about this package from Heidi?” asked Flanders.
“What ever is in that package from Heidi never died for your sins, Flanders,” she said.
“Christ died for my sins,” said Flanders Nickels.
“The cross of Calvary,” she said to him.
“And what should I do about Heidi now, Gravel?” he asked.
“You know what I say to that,” said Gravel.
“Heidi never died for my sins,” said Flanders. “Jesus did.”
“What are you going to do about the Saviour?” asked the fox.
“I think that I will now repent,” said Flanders.
And he now lifted up the package and the letter from the tabletop, set them both down upon the carpet at his feet beside his chair, and did truly nod his head in avowal of his utterance. Flanders was now ready for Lisa to lead him to his salvation.
And the fox led him to salvation right there and right then leading him through this which was called “the sinners’ prayer”: “Dear God, I am a dirty rotten drag queen. Please forgive me for all my years of sin with drag and for all of my other sins that I did commit in all of my years. I hereby repent of my cheerleader uniform. Cleanse me thoroughly from this. I now believe in the cross and in Easter.
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That is, I now confess that Your Son Jesus Christ shed His blood and died for me to pay for my sins.
And I now confess that this same Lord Jesus arose the third day from the dead and lives today. I ask You now, Good Lord, to become my personal Saviour and to take away from me my deserved place in Hell and to give to me my undeserved place in Heaven. Jesus saves to the uttermost. Thank You, God. In the name of Jesus I do pray thus. Amen.”
The prayer was done. Flanders had accepted the free gift of eternal life. He had found salvation by grace through faith. He was now a born-again Christian. He was saved now for forever.
“Well, Flanders. How does it feel to be a born-again believer now in Christ?” asked the fox in joy of rejoicing over his soul.
“There is something that I need to do right now real quickly,” he said. And immediately he jumped up and ran into his bedroom and shut the door. The wise pom and dance Christian thought that she knew what he had to do now upon his first moment as a son of God. And she did not have to wait long before her conjectures were verified. And Flanders came back out of his bedroom and came back to her at his living room table.
“Flanders, you’re quite handsome right now,” said the fox in a lady’s approval.
“I do feel kind of plain in this,” he said. “But it is convenient. And it is what God would wish for me to wear for now on.”
“Blue jeans and a long-sleeved shirt!” the pom pom girl sang out. “You look positively masculine. Very dashing, cute Flanders,”
“You like it?” he asked. “Really?’
“Oh yes. I like it a lot, Flanders,” she said. “You look like a guy now all of a sudden.
“I think then that I will keep wearing it if you like it that much, Gravel,” he said.
“Never change back into my gender’s clothes,” she said.
“I think that I can get used to my gender’s clothes once again, Gravel,” he said, “For God and
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for you and for myself—for the rest of my life.” And having said this, he then lifted up his cheerleader skirt, his favorite possession of the last ten years, in his hands, and he said, “See this, Lisa Fantasia?” and he most godly ripped it across from top to bottom, and he threw it and the ripped cheerleader sweater into the garbage can. Then Flanders ripped up the letter from the lost Heidi and let the pieces fall upon the floor. Then he took the package from Heidi, proffered it to Lisa, and said, “If I give this to you, Gravel, would you become my first and only girlfriend?”
The fox so very gladly accepted the mystery package and said, “I surely do, Flanders.”
And the pom pom girl found her first boyfriend.
“Let’s do something that I never thought to do with Heidi,” said Flanders. “I want to talk about God with a pretty girl on an official date. Could we have our first date right now as Christian boyfriend-and-girlfriend, Lisa? Let’s do that together everyday together for now on.”
“Whoa! You’re sounding like a lot of fun for a woman like myself, Flanders,” said the pom and dance girl. “We believers call talk like that ‘fellowship.’”
“Let’s fellowship right now, foxy lady,” he said.
“Fellowship and flirt make a strange—and happy—combination for a lonely woman like myself, Flanders.” said Gravel. “Your fox would love to share fellowship with you right now on our first date together as boyfriend-and-girlfriend-in-Christ.”
“Where should we begin?” he asked. “I know. You could tell me what you were doing just before you came knocking on my door to tell me about the Lord.”
“I was reading my Bible,” she said, remembering what now seemed like way back in time. “And I was thinking about Soul C.”
“’C’ is the Roman numeral for ‘one hundred,’” he said.
“Yes, Flanders. Soul number 100.”
“Tell me about this,” said Flanders.
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“One of my favorite things to do in my walk with Christ is to win souls for Christ,” she began. “The Bible tells us Christians that we must bear fruit for Christ. That means that we must tell the lost about Him and try to get them saved like ourselves. Pastor always preaches that the purpose of Christians is to make other Christians. And I believe that the most spiritual thing that any believer of any age can do is to lead another to a saving knowledge of Jesus. In the book of I John the Apostle John refers to three levels of Christians metaphorically–’little children’ and ‘young men’ and ‘fathers.’
Any of these three types of believers can lead a lost soul to salvation. And in the book of Hebrews, the author of Hebrews talks about ‘Christians who drink milk’ (the less spiritual saints) and ‘the Christians who eat meat’ (the more spiritual saints). Both can be used of God to win souls for Jesus. Well tonight, Flanders, before I met and fell for you, I was thinking how I had led ninety-nine souls to salvation thus far in my years with Christ.”
“And you saw me and wanted me to become your one-hundredth soul for you to lead to salvation, beautiful Lisa,” he said.
“Yep!” she said with a nod.
“I am so happy that you went and tried that with me, Now I am saved. Soul C! What an honor for me,” said Flanders.
“I know some verses in the book of Matthew that talk about that as well,” said the fox. “Or I should say that I know where they are in the book of Matthew. I need to look them up to see how they go exactly.” Gravel picked up her Bible off of the table to read them.
“Do I get to hear them, too, Gravel?” asked Flanders.
“Oh yes!” she concurred in relish of this brand new fellowship. And the fox searched the Scriptures and found the both of them. She read out loud the first one, “’But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold.’ Matthew 13:8.”
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“Amen!” glorified her new boyfriend this Word of God. “That’s you, O Lisa!”
Then the pom pom girl read out loud the second one: “’But he that received seed into the good ground is he that heareth the word, and understandeth it; which also beareth fruit, and bringeth forth, some an hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.’ Matthew 13:23.”
“Amen!” praised her boyfriend God’s Word again. But then he said, “That can be me, Gravel! I want to win souls like you do!”
Why, this converted cross dresser who was her won soul C was a fast learner in the things of God! She and Flanders were going to have a happy dating life together as neighbors across the hall up here on the second floor. She remembered how she had first seen him as a soul that Jesus had died for as the cheerleader parading around secretly in the hall through her strange window. And now he was her handsome boyfriend-in-the-Lord. It was time to go now. But she would be back here again. And he would be over at her place also. And they would continue to share fellowship and flirt together.
After all, was not she his “the fox?”
The fox got up to leave, and Flanders said, “Don’t forget the package, girlfriend. Whatever it is, your boyfriend does not need it anymore.”
“Can I open it tonight?” asked the pom pom girl.
“Open it at once. But promise me that you will never tell me what it is,” he said.
“I promise, Flanders,” said the pom and dance girl. And with this the fox scurried to her apartment to be alone with this mystery package that was meant for Flanders. And she opened it.
Behold, a size fourteen St. Norbert College Green Knight pom pom girl uniform identical to her size ten such outfit–but with the name “HEIDI” on its chenille emblem and a note reading, “Special-ordered from Varsity, Incorporated 1999 Catalog. Does not a cheerleader guy want to be a pom and dance gal?”
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