Craby Gripes, a cheerleader in maroon and white, is always crabby and does always gripe. She is a sourpuss of fifteen years of age. And she does not like pom pom girls. And her first date in high school is with a boy mighty in Christ. He convinces her of her need for the Lord. And in his dining room, she is just about to get saved from her sins with a prayer, when the Devil sends trouble to the house. And as she is supposed to be praying for salvation, another cheerleader in maroon and a pom pom girl in maroon are having a catfight in the living room behind closed doors.
THE SOURPUSS
By Mr. Morgan P. McCarthy
Craby Gripes, the sourpuss, looked into the mirror upon herself now dressed for her first time in the new De Pere High School freshman football cheerleader uniform for the year. And Craby griped, “Nice face, nice form, but terrible outfit.”
Her best friend and fellow cheerleader, also in her room with her, said, “Miss Gripes, you’re being crabby again. I love our new cheerleader uniform.”
“I can’t help it, Tara,” complained the sourpuss. “That’s just the way I am. It is not my fault for being what everybody calls me—a sourpuss.”
The year was 1991, and this was what the DePere Redbird cheerleader outfit looked like now: Over the torso was a white long-sleeved cotton shirt with an open collar and buttons. Also over the torso and over the white shirt was a maroon sweater vest with a V-neck and with a chenille emblem at the shoulder that read, going down diagonally, the three capital letters in script, “DPH.” And covering the upper legs, was a maroon and white six-pleated cheerleader skirt that reached nearly to the knees, the maroon pleats the main pleats, and the white pleats the contrasting pleats. Covering the lower legs
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were maroon knee socks with three white stripes, the middle white stripe a very wide stripe. And over her feet were saddle shoes, maroon with much white at the toes and at the heels.
Craby then spoke and said, “Tell me one good thing about this year’s cheerleader uniform, Tara.”
“All the boys will like it,” said Tara Doctile.
“You Christians see good in everything,” said the sourpuss.
“Unbelievers see bad in everything,” said Miss Doctile. “You want a boy, Craby.”
“Tara, you have your skirt on backwards,” said Craby. “Why is your button and zipper in your backside?”
“That’s the way we cheerleaders wear our skirts,” said Tara.
“I have my button and zipper showing in the front,” said Craby. “Is this way I have it now backwards then, Tara?” The Christian cheerleader nodded her head and smiled and laughed lightly. Craby then turned her skirt around so that her button and zipper were also along her back side. And Miss Cripes said, “What funny things that these cheerleader skirts are, Tara.”
“I know all about cheer leading from De Pere Middle School,” said Tara.
“This is my first time as cheerleader,” said Craby. “I think that I am beginning to like this odd outfit now, if it means that all the boys will want me.” Then she said, “I am irresistible to men.”
“Name the name of one boyfriend that you had in middle school,” challenged Tara.
“All the middle school boys were square,” complained the sourpuss. “I did not go on one date with any of them.”
“Name the name of one boyfriend that you might have now in our first days of high school,”
challenged Miss Doctile.
“All the freshmen boys are too juvenile for a woman like myself,” said Craby Gripes. “I don’t want a dumb ninth grade boy for a boyfriend. I deserve better.”
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“Name the name of one older boy whom you might like to date,” said Tara.
“All of the older boys of De Pere High School don’t think of me as a lady,” said the sourpuss.
“Is it because I am crabby and I gripe all the time?”
“It could be, Craby,” said the Christian cheerleader. “I’ve been praying for you, you know, that you accept Jesus.”
“And you have been telling me about Him, I know, as well—and on and on and on, Tara,” said the sourpuss.
“Only Jesus satisfies,” said Miss Doctile.
“I satisfy myself,” retorted Craby Gripes slyly.
Understanding her double entendre, her best friend said, “Yeah. I know. And not always when you are alone.”
“Sometimes you are there and see me,” said Craby.
Her fellow cheerleader made a wry face of objection and went on to say in truth, “I do not know what the Bible says about a woman doing that, Craby.”
Then the sourpuss said, “You are so zealous for God and for Godly living, Tara, that I will make a deal with you and with God.”
“You want to make a deal with the Lord?” asked the believer.
“In fact, I will do more than that,” said Craby. “I will give your Christ an opportunity to prove Himself to me.”
“You are a brassy girl talking that way about the Almighty, Craby,” said Tara.
“Here is my big test for God,” the sourpuss went on to say. “If God can get me a boyfriend who likes me in my cheerleader uniform just as I am, then I will ask your God to save me as He saved you not too long ago.”
“And if God says, ‘No,’ to that?” asked Miss Doctile.
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And the sourpuss replied, “If God does not get me the boyfriend that I deserve, then yours truly will have nothing to do with Him.”
“Craby, you’re pretty saucy for a girl,” said Miss Doctile.
“That’s because I am a dish,” bragged Miss Gripes on her looks with the pun intended.
“What if the one that God gives you ends up being that good Flanders Nickels, Craby?” asked Tara.
“Flanders Nickels?” asked Craby. “Don’t let me end up with that boy. Why, he is more into Christ even than you are, Tara.”
“He is a born-again believer just as I am,” said Tara.
“I know, Tara. I know,” said the sourpuss. “One of your kind is bad enough in my life with you as my best friend. Surely a woman like myself does not want one of your kind also as a boyfriend. I can hardly see Flanders kissing and hugging me like a girl like myself wants lots of.”
“He has lots of patience, Craby,” said Tara.
“You’re saying that I test the patience of everybody. Aren’t you, Tara?” asked the sourpuss. “You test my patience.”
“Whatever you are thinking, you always come out and tell it,” said Miss Doctile in great tact and gentle teasing.
“I’m honest,” said Craby. Then she said, “You’re saying that I am rude. Aren’t you?”
“You are frank,” said Tara in good fun diplomacy. And both girls laughed.
Then Miss Gripes said, “Tomorrow, when I go to school, this time I will be checking out all of the boys I see. And I will give them a grade to remember in my head, based on how cute they are to me. An ‘F,’ means ‘Not today, José.’ A ‘D’ means, ‘Adios.’ A ‘C’ means ‘I can do better.’ A ‘B’ means ‘Almost, but not quite.’ And an ‘A’ means ‘Maybe.’”
“You do not sound real confident that you will find a boyfriend from God, Craby,” said Tara.
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“Can you blame me, Tara? I haven’t even found one yet myself, and we have been in high school now for already a week,” complained the sourpuss.
“Maybe you should look for God first, and a boyfriend second,” said Tara.
“First things first,” said Craby Gripes. “First the boyfriend, then your Saviour.”
“Have it your way, Craby,” said the Christian cheerleader.
“As we sourpusses say, ‘My way or the highway,’” said Craby.
The next day at school, Craby searched for a cute boy throughout all four classes of the morning and found nothing but ‘F’s and ‘D’s among all the boys. And lunch hour came around, and she sulked and pouted during lunch, thinking that the last three classes, in the afternoon, may well also come up short on her. And she was already disappointed and self-pitying. She said to herself at the cafeteria table, “Where is a real man when a real woman wants one?”
Just then a deep nasal voice of a boy spoke and said to her from behind, “’For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man.’ I Corinthians 11:8, Craby.”
The sourpuss turned back to see who this was, and there stood the freshman Flanders Nickels himself, his precocious little beard short and thin upon his chin. He looked like a Billy Whiskers with his goatee. He smiled upon her in goodness and in Christian kindness, and his unique overbite only served to enhance his toothy smile. And Craby Gripes thought to herself, ‘A,’ Maybe. He just might do for her. Maybe she might be able to do for him, too. It was up to him. Impatient with all of the other boys of high school, the sourpuss thought to be acting too hastily, but she asked him out for a date anyway. Something was better than nothing. She asked, “Flanders, would you like to go out with me sometime?”
And the boy said to her, “Yes! I would like that, Craby.”
“Have you heard things about me that aren’t so good, Flanders?” asked the sourpuss in deference to this boy of God.
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“Yes. I have,” he told her.
“What kinds of things?” she asked.
“I heard that you are the girl who likes to grumble and slap and kick,” he said.
“I don’t always do all of those things all of the time,” said Miss Gripes a half-truth.
“You are a pretty cheerleader in a pretty cheerleader uniform, Craby,” he said.
“Do you like my cheerleader uniform for real, Flanders?” she asked.
“Uh huh, Craby,” he said. “I’ve been praying for you.”
“My friend Tara has been praying for me, too, Flanders,” said Miss Gripes.
“I know Tara,” he said. “She is De Pere High School’s second prettiest cheerleader.”
“She is?” asked Craby. He nodded. Then she asked, “Am I then the most beautiful cheerleader at De Pere High School, Flanders?”
“That you are, Craby,” he told her right out unequivocally.
“Maybe my new cheerleader uniform is not so bad after all,” she said.
“Shall we make it a date tomorrow after school?” he asked.
“Yes! Shall we make it at my parents’ place or your parents’ place or at another place?” she asked.
“Let’s meet at my parents’ place, Craby,” he said.
“It’s date then, Flanders,” she said. “Your place tomorrow right after school.”
“Come as you are right now,” he said.
“God, You win,” said Craby about that challenge that she had tempted him with in her pride. And she thought to herself about a new grade to give this boy, ‘A+’ the best one in school.
“God won?” he asked in curiosity.
“He gave me a date with you for tomorrow,” she explained in boast and gladness.
Not knowing about the complete matter of what she was talking about, Flanders said, “Yes.
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God is good.”
Then the bell rang that ended lunch hour, and it was time to go on into the afternoon of the school day. And Flanders went one way. And Craby went the other way. But, Craby, in going the other way, before she turned her head that way, her brunette head knocked hard into a dark blonde head. And her head hurt. She looked up at what had happened. There stood the captain of the pom and dance squad, the most popular girl in school, and with apology all over her face.
“Why don’t you look where you are going, Krysten?” snapped the sourpuss in impatience.
“I am sorry, Craby,” said Krysten. “We both were not looking where we were going.” This pom pom girl was dressed in a short spandex maroon dress with long sleeves and a skirt portion that descended in a ‘V” at the bottom.
“I am sorry, too, klutz,” snapped Miss Gripes in sarcasm. In trying to keep the peace, Krysten turned around to walk away. Incensed by this, the sourpuss of a cheerleader swung her leg upward and booted the pom and dance girl in her bottom with her cheerleader sneaker.
In embarrassment, Krysten turned back and promised the sourpuss, “I’ll come and get you for that, Craby.” And, her face red, the pom pom girl continued walking away from her.
“I’ll be waiting for you, Krysten,” answered the sourpuss back at her under her breath; but she was too far away now to hear Craby’s threat. And Miss Gripes issued a curse word at her in whisper that she could not hear. And the sourpuss was bitter again in life. As a cheerleader herself, she was always most antagonistic toward the pom pom girls more than toward any of the other girls of high school. Offended by this accident in the cafeteria, the sourpuss then went on to her next class of the school day.
The next day, after school, she and Flanders had their first date at his place. His family was away for a while tonight at the De Pere Library. And she had him alone in his parents’ dining room.
She dared not try to tempt this boy of God who was so good. She thought instead to be a good girl.
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To one side of this dining room was a pair of wooden doors that were shut up. On the other side of those doors were his living room. To the other side of this dining room was a Franklin Stove with orange-brown tiles below and behind. To another side of this dining room were two windows that looked out into the dark night, and which had little louvered wooden panels on hinges whose slats were shut. And to the other side of this dining room was one window that looked out into the dark back porch of the night; this window had the same pair of little louvered wooden panels on hinges with shut slats. And below was nice blue carpet. And boy and girl sat on the same side of this dining room table, facing the front wall, where the two windows were. “What’s in that big yellow envelope, that you brought, Craby?” he asked.
“All of my stick men cartoons, Flanders.” she said. “Or in this case ‘stick girl’ cartoons.”
“Stick people!” he said in sincere delights.
“Yes, Flanders,” she said. “Cartoons that I drew about big sister and little sister,”
“Are you the big sister in these cartoons?” he asked.
“Yes. I am,” said the sourpuss. “I am the big sister, and the big sister is the good guy.”
“Who is the little sister in these cartoons?” he asked.
“That, of course, is my real little sister Tricia,” said Craby.
“Is the little sister the bad guy in your cartoons?” he asked.
“Yes, Flanders. Just like she is the bad guy in my real life,” complained the sourpuss.
“I’ve got to see these cartoons, Craby,” he said in true interest.
“Here’s the first one, Flanders,” said the cheerleader, pulling out a few sheets of paper with penciled in words and pictures. And she showed it to him and explained it to him with great pride and self-grandeur: “Here big sister and little sister are playing hide-and-go-seek in the house. Little sister is in the attic looking for a perfect hiding place. And she sees a little cabinet or cupboard that has two swinging doors. It is just big enough for her to fit herself into it. And she goes into it and hides there.
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But then these two little doors swing shut upon her all on their own. And little sister is shut in. And she cannot breathe. She yells out, ‘Help, big sister. I can’t breathe.’ But big sister cannot hear her.
And little sister suffocates. And that’s the end.”
After seeing and hearing about this most strange little cartoon, Flanders said, “Poor little sister.”
And Craby said about this cartoon, “I drew this one in English 9 class when the teacher was talking. I think that she was teaching us students about some vocabulary words, but I don’t remember.”
“Let’s see another of your stick people cartoons, Craby,” said Flanders.
She pulled out the next few sheets of paper, and she showed her next cartoon to her date for the night and narrated this one to him as well: “Ah, Flanders, another sword fight between big sister and little sister. This one is the best one of all the sword fighting ones. Look at little sister’s sword—it is all bent up. Look at big sister’s sword—it is all zigzagged at its edge. And look and see how little sister’s head flies right off of her body. Ha! Ha!”
After the Christian boy saw this, he most politely said “Ouch, Craby.”
And Miss Gripes said about this cartoon, “I drew this one when I was riding the school bus on my way to school one day.
“What’s the next one about?” he asked, fascinated by the macabre of her genre of stick people cartoons.
Eager and feeling good about herself, the sourpuss then took out a few more pages of cartoons from her yellow envelope, and she went on to share the third cartoon of this evening with Flanders, telling him about this one as well: “Do you see this butte in America’s southwest, Flanders?” she asked.
He said, “Yes. I see the butte.”
She said, “Here is little sister falling off this butte all the way to the bottom after big sister pushes her off of the butte. It is just like in Road Runner. And there she lands. Bang! She’s dead!”
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“Woe!” exclaimed Flanders politely.
“I drew this one while I was watching All-Star Wrestling,” said the sourpuss.
“Original. Very original,” said the Christian man. “I see many more in your yellow envelope, Craby.”
“Well, as my luck would have it, Flanders, there will not be any more new ones for me to draw for a long while,” said Miss Gripes.
“How come?” he asked.
With a pout the sourpuss said, “I ran out of paper, and Dad did not go to town yet to get me more paper. He said that he will get me my white paper for me next week. I have to wait a whole week for Dad to get around to do that for me. What a father that I am stuck with. And Mom is no better. I got mad and broke one of my drawing pencils, and I have only eleven left out of the box of twelve. To draw my cartoons, I require all twelve of my pencils with me on the table. Does Mom really expect me to draw my cartoons with only eleven pencils? All she needs to do is to glue my broken pencil back together again with super glue. But she won’t do that for me. She says that my cartoons are unhealthy for me. What kind of Mom did I end up with?”
Calm in the Lord in the midst of the storm of the sourpuss, Flanders calmly reached toward the chair at the head of the table next to him and picked up his Holy Bible from it to read Scripture to her that might help her out. The Good Book open before him, he said, “The Bible says, Craby, ‘There is no peace, saith the Lord, unto the wicked.’ Isaiah 48:22.”
“I have no peace, Flanders!” yelled the sourpuss.
“I have the peace that Jesus gives His believers,” he said in efforts to calm her down.
“I am no believer in your Jesus,” she said. He said nothing. In sudden understanding, she asked, “So you think that I am wicked.”
“You would be a happy young lady if you were a Christian, O Craby,” he said.
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“Every day, every place, every time, my so-called life is one big storm,” she grumbled.
He turned a few more pages and found the next verse that the sourpuss had to hear from him. And he said, “The Bible also says this, Craby: ‘But the wicked are like the troubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up mire and dirt. There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked.’ Isaiah 57:20-21.”
“You just said my whole fifteen years of life, Flanders,” she said in frustration.
“And it will get worse for you in the life to come than it is in your life right now if you do not seek Jesus as Saviour,” he said to her in Christian concern.
In bitterness of life’s vicissitudes she said, “This is Hell down here.”
And he recited Scripture to her to back up what he had just said, “It is written, ‘Woe unto the wicked! It shall be ill with him: for the reward of his hands shall be given him.’ Isaiah 3:11.”
I can tell what you’re telling me from the Bible with that verse, Flanders,” she said. “You’re telling me that I will go to Hell and be punished down there all the more for all of the bad things I did and said and thought while in this life.”
As the Good Book says over and over, Craby,” he said, “’He that hath an ear to hear, let him hear what the Spirit saith.’”
“Does your Spirit say anything in the Bible about why your life is so different from my life,
Flanders?” asked the sourpuss.
“Indeed it does look like my life at fifteen years old is happier than your life at fifteen years old, Craby,” he said. “I have trials and bad things that happen to me as well. But God is there to carry me through the trials.”
“Where is that fact in the Bible?” challenged Miss Gripes.
“Mark 4:39, when Jesus stilled the storm at sea with His disciples in the boat with Him,” said Flanders.
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“Let me see that for myself,” she snapped. And he showed it to her. And she read out loud, “And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.”
“Jesus stills my storms of life in His time and in His way,” said Flanders. “Someone once said about life’s valleys, ‘And it came to pass.’ And not only that, but God makes good things happen from bad things in my life. And another thing, Craby, a Christian who is faithful to God in life’s temptations is promised a crown of life up in Heaven.”
“Would God actually do with all of the winds in my life what He does with the winds in your life, Flanders?” she asked.
“He will if you become born again,” told Flanders the somewhat humbled sourpuss.
“Peace has always eluded me every time I looked for it. I reach out and try to grab it, and I cannot get a hold of it. I wait and hope for it to come to me on its own, and it never comes. I cannot see it or hear it or feel it,” confessed Miss Gripes.
“God promises the Christians peace,” said Flanders. “We believers have what the Bible calls ‘peace with God.’ That means that we know that we are going to Heaven, the Better Place, no matter what—whether by the rapture or by death. We can well sing the hymn, ‘It Is Well With My Soul.’ And we believers also have what the Bible calls ‘peace of God.’ And that means that we know that God is with us and guiding us and sanctifying us in our walk with Christ all our lives long. We can well sing the hymn, ‘Be Still, My Soul.’”
“Would you know of a Bible verse that says that, Flanders?” she asked.
“Oh yes!” he said. “That great promise that Jesus said to his Disciples in John 14:27, Craby.” And he quickly found it and showed it to her.
And she read out loud, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
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“Well, Craby. What do you think?” he asked.
“I would not think that God would go and say something that He would renege on,” confessed the sourpuss losing some of her sourness.
“It is impossible for God to lie. And He is truth. And He cannot break any of His promises,” said Flanders Nickels.
“He is called ‘the Good Lord,’” said Miss Gripes. “Down here, I would think, is not Heaven, even for the born-again Christians.”
“It is written, O Craby,” he went on to recite more Scripture, “’Say ye to the righteous, that it shall be well with him: for they shall eat the fruit of their doings.’ Isaiah 3:10.”
“Yes. I can tell that Heaven is far better than this world of Earth,” said Miss Gripes. “And I can also tell from that verse that when a Christian goes to Heaven, that he will be rewarded with eternal blessings Up There for all of the good things that he had done in the world down here.”
“You are not far from the kingdom of Heaven,” said Flanders.
“Your sourpuss of a cheerleader is losing some of her sourness, I do believe,” confessed Craby Gripes her strange new humility before this Christian fellow.
“Do you remember the old Flanders Nickels of grade school days, Craby?” asked Flanders.
She thought for a moment, then said, “Yes. I do now. It had been a while. I remember the Flanders Nickels before he found God. You were a worse sourpuss than even myself back in grade school. You complained to myself more even than I complained to you. You grumbled to your Mom so much that you tested her love and patience toward you that Moms have for their children. How many times did she put masking tape over your mouth because nothing was good enough for you and you griped so? You were the most disliked boy in middle school as well. Nobody wanted to be around you, Flanders. In fact I had more friends than you had. And then something very, very good happened to you. And you began to say good things and happy things and godly things to us fellow students.
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And now in high school you are the most liked boy of all of De Pere High School. What happened?
Truly did God get a hold of your life. That must have been the time when you got born again, sometime in seventh grade, I think, Flanders.”
“Before your days as a cheerleader, Craby, and in the middle of the days with Tara Doctile as a cheerleader,” hinted Flanders.
“Tara was saved so long that it was as if she had found Christ at birth,” bragged Craby in hyperbole about her best friend’s long walk with Christ since a very early age.
“Tara Doctile was the head seventh grade football cheerleader at my time,” hinted Flanders a little less subtly.
Very aware of his hidden words, Craby guessed right and asked, “Are you saying that it was my friend Tara who was the one who led you to Christ, Flanders?” asked Miss Gripes.
“It was she,” said Flanders.
“She never told me,” said Craby.
“I asked her not to tell you,” said Flanders. “I wanted to pretend of a day someday to come when I could tell you myself of how our mutual friend had led me to salvation. I felt that that day could not come unless you were to first ask me how I got saved. I liked you a lot for a long time.
But to actually be here alone with you and God and to see that you are getting interested in the Saviour of the world, to see maybe hope in my heart for the soul of the girl I liked the most in all of school—that day I doubted that I could ever come to see in all of my prayers for you these last two years.
But God answered my prayer. You asked me tonight about my change from a murmurer to a praiser, and you did ask me this night, ‘What happened?’ And now I can give my favorite girl the testimony of my salvation.”
“Tell me everything that Tara said to you about God, and tell me everything that you said to Tara in reply,” said Craby Gripes in great enthusiasm, “about that day you got saved.”
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And he told the cheerleader his good news of salvation: “Tara got alone with me and her Bible after the first football game of the year for seventh grade was all done that night. It was August, and we were at the De Pere Middle School football field by North Broadway Street in De Pere. The game was done; Tara asked if she could talk with me; and I agreed. And the first thing she said was, ‘Flanders, I’ve been praying for you. Your words that you speak will send you to Hell.’ Though saying that I was going to Hell was not a kind thing to say to me, her saying that I was in her prayers was the kindest thing anybody ever said to me. And I knew that I needed to hear what she had to say; after all, she was a born-again Christian, and born-again Christians knew things about God that I did not know.
I pondered for a while, and then I said, ‘I say bad thoughts and bad words and bad things. Don’t I, Tara?’ And she nodded her head.
And then we climbed up the bleachers to the highest seat in the end zone side, and we sat down together with her Holy Bible on her cheerleader lap. She opened up her Bible and she shared Numbers 11:1 with me about the sin of complaining. It says this: ‘And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the Lord burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp.’
When I heard this verse, I said right out in great understanding about my much grumbling, ‘Griping about what God lets come into my life is a good way to get on God’s bad side, Tara.’
And Tara said, ‘Most surely, Flanders. God is never wrong.’ Then she showed me a verse about the sin of murmuring in the Bible. Murmuring is one step beyond complaining, and puts blame upon the blameless Lord. This verse was I Corinthians 10:10, and this is what it says, ‘Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were destroyed of the destroyer.’
When I heard her say this verse to me, I, with knew understanding about myself, said to her, ‘Murmuring against the Almighty is outright rebellion, Tara. I must be a rebel without a cause when I go and murmur against Him all the time as I do.’
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And Tara went on tell me, ‘Unlike us sinners, Flanders, the Lord never needs to repent.’
I then went on to say, ‘I should maybe start saying good things to God, instead of all these bad things to God.’
‘Indeed, Flanders.’ said Tara. And she went on to show me and say to me a Bible verse about the goodness of giving thanks unto the Lord. It was Ephesians 5:20, and it says this, ‘Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;’
And as soon as I saw and heard this verse, I said right away, ‘Tara, the day I figure out how to do that, I will have arrived spiritually.’
But she said, ‘None of us will have arrived spiritually until we get to Heaven, and Heaven is only for the believers among mankind.’
‘All this thanksgiving I do not know how to do,’ I told Tara Doctile.
And she said, ‘Once you get saved, Flanders, you will have God the Holy Spirit inside of you, and He will help you to thank God for all things.’
‘Does that mean thanking Him for bad things, too, Tara?’ I asked her.
‘Uh huh, Flanders,’ she said.
‘You Christians are good people,” I said to Tara.
And she said, ‘God only is good.’ Then this born-again seventh grade cheerleader showed me and read to me Psalm 113:3, a Bible verse that speaks of the glory to God of praising Him. It says there, ‘From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same the Lord’s name is to be praised.’
‘You Christians praise Jesus all day long?’ I asked.
‘We ought to,’ said Tara. ‘Praising Jesus for all of His attributes as Deity is not only His due from us whom He had created, but also a way for us to find joy in our lives during bad times.”
‘Would this same Holy Spirit teach me also about praising Him as He would about thanking Him, Tara?’ I asked.
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And she said to me, ‘Only if you get born again, Flanders.’
‘You born again people always say the right things in season and out of season,’ I said to her. ‘And we people who are not born again instead sin every day lots of times with what we say.’
And then she said, ‘I hear you swear in school every time something comes up.’
‘I think that everybody hears me swear,’ I said then. ‘I get so frustrated sometimes that I just have to let it out with a curse word.’
‘It is written about swear words, Flanders,’ she said to me, ‘”But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.” Matthew 12:36,’
‘Why, the more I swear, the angrier will Jesus be when I stand before His throne on my judgment day, Tara,’ I cried out. ‘I am doomed.’
‘The Great White Throne judgment awaits all who die in their sins,’ she told me. ‘And what a person does with his tongue has eternal consequences for the unsaved after they die.’
‘What if I were to for now on swear only with the most mild swear, Tara?’ I asked her.
In puzzlement she asked me, ‘What in your mind is the most mild swear, Flanders?’
‘Oh, that’s taking the Lord’s name in vain,’ I told her.
‘O reprobate malefactor, the Lord’s name in vain is the most virulent of swear words,’ she rebuked me in her holiness and her uprightness. ‘There is no worse bad word than saying God’s name as a curse word, O foolish Flanders.’
In shame I did not know what to say after that. But I needed to know more about why she was so agitated in what I said. And I asked, ‘Does the Bible say that, too, Tara?’ I was a little nervous now with this just and godly cheerleader having rebuked me for my lack of spiritual discernment.
And she said, ‘It is written, Flanders in the third commandment, “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.” Exodus 20:7. Again it is written in the third commandment in Deuteronomy 5:11, “Thou shalt not take
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the name of the Lord thy God in vain: for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.”’
In humbleness and in edification, I could only say now to her, ‘Tara, I can see now that God is holy and His name is holy. And I can see that I am unholy and my tongue is unholy.’
And she then said to me for her first time, ‘Now that I hear you confess that, I feel that you are no longer far from so great salvation, Flanders.’
And to that I said, ‘I am ready for Christ right now, Tara. There is no turning back for me now. I do not want my words to send me to Hell. I want to say words that will be said in Heaven.’”
After having heard this most parallel testimony of his salvation so similar to what her own testimony of salvation could be, the sourpuss interrupted his true tale before it was finished, “Lead me to Christ, Flanders. I will not say, ‘No,’ to Jesus again. For now on I will say, ‘Yes,’ to the Saviour.”
“You are ready now to become a Christian all of a sudden?” he asked in incredulity and in surprise.
“Let’s,” she said. “Before I change my mind.”
“I can lead you line-by-line, and you can repeat what I say, and in that way, you will have prayed and gotten saved, Craby,” he said.
“I’ve got a better way for myself,” said the sourpuss. “I would feel more comfortable to pray in my own words.”
“I think that that can be the better way for you, Craby,” he said. “Let us bow our heads at this dining room table, and let me hear you pray your own sinners’ prayer for eternal life in Christ, and let God hear you and save your soul.”
They did so right then and there in this cozy and homey dining room with the dining room chandelier of five lights shining down upon them at this dining room table. Craby Gripes then stood up at this prayer site, looked up to Heaven, and said in her prayer for salvation, “Hi Up There, God. This
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is your buddy Craby Gripes. I want You to save a place in Heaven for me. I’m not all that bad really. I am a better girl than the rest of the cheerleaders. I am hardly a bad girl like the pom pom girls. In fact, even when I am at my worst, my worst is less bad than anybody’s else best. I was wondering if you saw that about me. Did you see how Brittany cheated on her science test? Did you see how Hillary stole food from the cafeteria? Did you see how Tiffany yelled at the bus driver for no good reason?
Those are bad girls going to Hell in a hand basket, God. But Flanders did not go out with any of them. He went out with me, instead, here in his own house. You don’t see me cheating and stealing and giving bus drivers hard times. And you should see what a great cheerleader I already am for my first time here in ninth grade. I might already be a better cheerleader than Tara whom You know, and she has been cheering already for a few years, Lord. Do you remember our agreement that I made with You? How if you give me a handsome boyfriend in the rest of my high school years, that then I will become a born-again believer? You were faithful in your end of the bargain—I have the most popular boy in school–Flanders, whom You know–here on our first date together. So I shall be faithful in my end of the bargain. Make me a born-again believer any which way You can. In Jesus’s name I pray this. Your sourpuss. Amen.”
Craby Gripes then turned back down from looking up at the ceiling, and she saw good Flanders shaking his head in disapproval upon her for something she did not know of.
“What’s wrong suddenly tonight with you, Flanders?” asked Miss Gripes.
And he answered most tersely with two words of negation, ‘Uh uh.”
“Uh uh?” she asked.
And he sighed and breathed in and breathed out, and he said to her most surely, “That is the wrong way to pray to God to get saved, Craby.”
“It was?” she asked, taken aback.
“You prayed like a Pharisee, for crying out loud, Craby, when you should have prayed like a
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publican. Very much I say unto you, ‘God did not hear one word of your prayer, Craby,’” said Flanders, agitated over so proud a prayer up to Almighty God.
“Did I go and pray for salvation all wrong?” asked the sourpuss, still full of herself.
“A lost person praying the sinners’ prayer must do so in humility and not in pride,” he explained to her, worried that he might still lose her this day to the Devil when she had seemed to be so close to his winning her to the Lord.
“What a bummer I am,” said the football cheerleader, seeing all of her words of prayer as vanity.
Opening his Holy Bible to the parable of the Pharisee and the publican, Flanders read out loud to her this parable: “’And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others: Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner. I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.’ Luke 18:9-14.”
“What a brat I am,” said the freshman cheerleader, convicted of her vainglory of sinners’ prayer.
“Could we try the sinners’ prayer again, pretty Craby?” he asked.
“I promise to get it right this time, Flanders,” said Miss Gripes.
“Shall I lead you line-by-line?” he asked the girl Craby.
“Could I try it again with my own words, Flanders?” she asked.
He hesitated, thought a prayer to God for the Lord’s wisdom in this case, and said to this sourpuss, “Yes. It would be good if you spoke your own words from your own heart.”
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“I’ll pray just exactly as the publican prayed in the parable,” said Craby Gripes.
“You do realize that both you and the publican are sinners in need of salvation,” said Flanders in necessary query before the sourpuss were to come to God for salvation.
In all due humbleness and conviction and sincerity, the sourpuss went and said to Flanders, “What a…female dog…I am.”
The sourpuss was ready to become a born-again believer here at this dining room table. Not looking up toward Heaven this time, not standing up at her chair this time, and not about to brag on herself this time, Miss Gripes stayed seated at her chair, bowed her head before the Almighty, closed her eyes, and brought her palms together.
Suddenly there came a pounding knocking upon the back door of this house. And from just outside the back porch, a young woman’s voice came through most jarringly into this peaceful dining room. It said, “I have unfinished business to do with you, Craby. I followed you all the way here.”
This was Krysten, the pom and dance girl whom the sourpuss had kicked in the bottom.
And right after this threat in came the pom pom girl in her little maroon spandex dress. Krysten came right up to where Craby was sitting with the fury of a pom and dance girl scorned.
Craby instinctively stood up. Flanders stood up and sought to restrain this avenging pom pom girl. Then in came the cheerleader Tara Doctile from this same back porch. It was good to see her here right now, no doubt sent by God. And the disorder of the Devil supplanted the former order of the Lord here in Flanders’s parents’ dining room. Turning most wisely to God, Flanders quickly gave forth a silent prayer up to Heaven, thinking, “God, have mercy on beautiful Craby.”
And suddenly a plan from the Holy Spirit spoke to his heart, and Flanders Nickels followed through on it. Flanders asked Miss Doctile, “Tara, would you grab a hold of Krysten and take her out of this dining room while God can go and save our Craby? Craby, would you sit back down with me and pray and get saved no matter what noises will be coming from the next room? As for myself, I
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will be here helping you, Craby, while you pray for salvation.”
One in Christ, the three who belonged here went ahead to obey the wise God. Tara grabbed a fierce hold upon Krysten’s shoulders, dragged her out of this room, forced her into the living room, and shut the wooden double doors that were between this dining room and that living room. Miss Gripes sat back down to go and pray and get right with Jesus. And Flanders sat there with her and reached forth his hands to her hands upon this table and held them in compassion and affection.
And in the next room was a cat-fight between a cheerleader in her cheerleader’s uniform and a pom pom girl in her pom pom girl’s uniform. There was slapping. There was scratching. There was hair-pulling. There was kicking. And there was biting. And there were all manner of crying outs coming from the two cat-fighters from behind the closed doors.
Soul winner and soul seeking being won bowed their heads and closed their eyes and held hands. Flanders spoke to her now, “Now is the accepted time; now is the day of salvation, comely Craby.”
She was just about to speak, when suddenly a frighteningly loud “thump” crashed into the double wooden doors from the other side. Boy and girl were both startled by this. She listened further. He listened further. All was eerily quiet all of a sudden from the living room. Something must have happened. What was it? Should they get up from the table and see if everything were all right? Craby became worried for her friend Tara.
His eyes fixed on Christ, Flanders said to her this time, “Craby, seek the Lord while He may be found; call upon Him while He is near.”
This quietness from the living room now did grate her nerves more than had the loudness from the living room before. But the sourpuss went ahead and prayed the sinners’ prayer in utmost scriptural spirit and in all due Biblical soul. She spoke in prayer to God seven soul-changing words: “God, be merciful to me a sinner.”
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It is written in Psalm 13:5 about what just happened to Craby Gripes upon praying this prayer, “But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.”
The sourpuss had just become a Christian.
“It is done, O Good Lord,” said Flanders, looking up to Heaven. “My special cheerleader has gotten saved. Great is Your love. Craby will never go to Hell. I can share Heaven with her now.”
“I thank you and God with all of my heart, Flanders, for sticking by me all the way throughout all of the fiery darts that Satan has thrown upon us here in the dining room this evening, many flaming arrows from myself as a sourpuss,”spoke the converted fair cheerleader. Then Craby Gripes asked, “Would you forgive a sourpuss of a cheerleader, Flanders?”
“I forgive a cheerleader who has become a saint,” said Flanders. “The sourpuss has been converted to Christianity.”
“I can feel that my sourness has left me,” said Craby Gripes. “And I shall never be sour again.”
Then Flanders and Craby turned to look upon the doors that had shut off the living room. Both stood up at this table. Flanders tiptoed to the double doors. Following him Craby also walked silently up to the wooden doors. Flanders knocked quite quietly. There was no response. Then Miss Gripes put her hands to the two doorknobs and did open these doors.
Boy and girl then looked out into the living room. There, all sprawled out unconscious on the carpet by the doors, was the pom and dance girl. And there, standing in the middle of the room, was the good cheerleader, her knuckles of her right hand in her mouth. Tara confessed to Flanders and Craby, “I never went and punched anybody like that before.”
Flanders surmised, “Krysten’s head must have struck the door.”
And Craby said, “Good job in the Lord, Tara.”
Tara Doctile asked, “Did you pray and get saved in there, Craby?”
“Yes. I did, Tara,” said Miss Gripes.
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“Then it was worth it,” said Tara.
“Thank you for helping out, Tara,” said Flanders.
“I thank you for leading my best friend to the Lord, Flanders.” said Tara.
All three believers hugged each other in the Lord in joy and rejoicing over Craby’s so blessed conversion.
Then the pom and dance girl revived where she lay. She shook her head, looked up at the three, and said, “I feel God in this room. Let me get out of here away from Him.” And she rallied and got to her feet and walked away and left this house of God.
Then Flanders took his hymnbook, opened it to hymn number 432, and read the title of the hymn, “Rescue the Perishing.” And the three children of God sang this salvation hymn where they stood, the hymnbook open in Flanders’s hands and Craby along his right side and Tara along his left side:
“1. Rescue the perishing, care for the dying,
Snatch them in pity from sin and the grave;
Weep o’er the erring one, lift up the fallen,
Tell them of Jesus, the mighty to save.
Rescue the perishing, Care for the dying;
Jesus is merciful, Jesus will save.
- Tho they are slighting him, still He is waiting,
Waiting the penitent child to receive;
Plead with them earnestly, plead with them gently,
He will forgive if they only believe.
Rescue the perishing, Care for the dying;
Jesus is merciful, Jesus will save.
- Down in the human heart, crushed by the tempter,
Feelings lie buried that grace can restore;
Touched by a loving heart, wakened by kindness,
Chords that are broken will vibrate once more.
Rescue the perishing, Care for the dying;
Jesus is merciful, Jesus will save.
- Rescue the perishing, duty demands it–
Strength for thy labor the Lord will provide;
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Back to the narrow way patiently win them,
Tell the poor wand’rer a Savior has died.
Rescue the perishing, Care for the dying;
Jesus is merciful, Jesus will save.”
Then Craby Gripes said, “Let us all three come to my place and tell my family the special thing that has happened for me this night for forever.”
Tara said, “I bet also that you want to show Flanders off to your family as well, Craby,” said Miss Doctile, knowing her best friend these past years so well.
“And you, too, Tara,” said Craby. “The ninth grade cheerleader that can knock out a twelfth grade pom and dance girl.”
“Hey. I like that, girl,” said Miss Doctile.
“And all my family can get to see the real neat boy who is my first boyfriend in high school,”
said Craby.
And the three at once came to the sourpuss’s mom’s and dad’s house. The first one there was her little sister Tricia; and Tricia took one look at her big sister and said, “Craby, you’re smiling!”
In self-effacement, the former sourpuss said in reply, “It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.”
Her mom then came up to her, saw the happiness upon Craby’s countenance, and asked, “Craby, are you okay?”
And Miss Gripes said, “I am the most okay that I ever was, Mom. I will never pout at you again.”
Then her dad came up, saw the joy of the Holy Ghost upon her visage, and asked, “Craby, is this another trick of malice that you are thinking upon doing?”
And Craby said, “For now on I shall be happy doing only benevolent things, Dad.”
Tricia then said, “Tell us, Big Sister, ‘What great thing happened to you on your date with
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Flanders tonight?”
“I got saved tonight at his place, guys,” sang out the former sourpuss.
And her sister and her mom and her dad all rejoiced over this most great thing that had happened to Craby of all fifteen years of her life. And Craby rejoiced with them.
Tricia said, “Craby, you’re crying.”
“It is a happy cry, dear little sister,” confessed Miss Gripes.
They all three then turned to Flanders, the outspoken believer who was known for sharing the good news of the Gospel wherever he went. Tricia said, “You did it. Didn’t you, Flanders?”
In appropriate glory to the Saviour, Flanders told Tricia, “God did it. I was only His messenger.”
Her dad said, “Any boy who can do so much for my oldest daughter… I do consider him as family, Flanders. Thank you for leading our Craby to the Lord.”
“She is too pretty a cheerleader to have to end up in Hell,” said Flanders. “I have cared for Craby from afar for some years.”
Her mom then said, “She may not have listened to any of us here in our home when we talked about Jesus to her. But at least she listened to you at your home when you told her about Christ. God bless you and Craby, good Flanders.”
“I am glad to be part of this family,” said Flanders Nickels.
Tricia then said, “Am I going to stop being the bad sister in your stick people cartoons, Craby?”
“Yes, Tricia!” promised the converted sourpuss. “For now on my big sister/little sister cartoons will be benevolent cartoons. I will get rid of all of the old malicious cartoons.”
“Oh, but they are unique, Craby,” said Tricia. “Could I keep them for myself?”
“Why, yes, Tricia,” said Craby.
“They will be a reminder for me of how you used to be when you were still unsaved yet,” said
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Tricia.
“Why, thank you, Little Sister,” said Craby.
“Tara, you’re bleeding in your nose,” said Tricia.
“I got bit by a pom pom girl,” confessed Tara Doctile.
“You got bit by a pom pom girl?” asked Tricia.
And Flanders explained to the family, “Tara came just when Craby and I needed her the most.
Looking for revenge upon Craby for one of those bad things that Craby did so often at school, the pom and dance girl Krysten came barging into my house just when Craby was about to pray to accept Jesus.”
Craby then continued the true tale, “And then in came my friend Tara here. And she pushed Krysten out of the room for me just so that I could have enough peace and quiet to come to God in prayer with Flanders. And as I was finding myself a personal Saviour, my good friend Tara was having a knock-down cat-fight with Krysten in the next room. I did not know that she bit you, Tara.”
“Who won the cat fight?” asked Tricia.
“I did, Tricia,” said Tara Doctile.
“Chalk up one for us cheerleaders,” said Craby Gripes.
Tara Doctile said, “Well, Craby. Now that you are saved, nobody at school can call you ‘the sourpuss’ anymore.”
“What should I be called now?” asked Craby Gripes.
Flanders said, “Maybe, ‘the cheery girl.’”
“The cheery girl,” said Craby Gripes so that her ears could hear it from herself. “I like that a lot, Flanders.”
Tara went on to add, “What better title to give to a born-again cheerleader, guys?”
Tricia said, “My big sister, the cheery girl.” All the group here at Craby’s house loved this new
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title for her.
It is written about the cheery girl and her new personal Saviour Jesus Christ in Psalm 40:5, “Many, O Lord my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to usward: they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee: if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.”
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