Flanders Nickels, a man who has lost four girlfriends one after another, and is disappointed in life, asks, ‘What is truth?’ God brings him into the life of a Christian pom and dance girl. Her name is ‘Elysium—the Girl.’ In her beauty of face and form and attire, she becomes his ‘Elysian Girl.’ And she tells him, ‘Jesus is truth.’ And she needs to lead him to the Saviour for the good of his life here and of his life to come.
THE ELYSIAN GIRL
Mr. Morgan P. McCarthy
He was alone on a walk down an isolated countryside two-rutted road. To his left and to his right alongside the whole winding road were single files of autumn box elders, right up against this path of a road. To his left just on the other side of the trees was Port Creek; to his right just on the other side of the trees was Starboard Creek. And meadows of tall field grass stretched long and far beyond these two creeks to both sides. The box elders hid the sun from above as he walked down this two-rutted road, but he could see the sun in the creeks and in the fields. “’Cherchez la femme,’ as the French say,” he said to himself all alone. That meant, “Look for the woman,” This man’s name was Flanders Nickels, and he believed that this proverb was the key to happiness in life. He had had four special and beautiful girlfriends in his life, one after another, and he believed that he was happy dating them. To Flanders nothing was as happy as the sweet magic of romance. But there was not now any girlfriend for Flanders. Flaurie and he had broken up. Tracy and he had broken up. Sonya and he had broken up. Lisa and he had broken up. And there was no fifth girlfriend to fill this void in his life.
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He remembered stunning Flaurie. She was his first girlfriend. She was also his first date. He and she were older teenagers at the time. And on their first date they went to an isolated sand dunes and gamboled in frisk to boy’s and girl’s delights in the sand. They made somersaults up and down the hill of sand. They took a desiccated deer skull lying around and played tackle football in the sand with this deer skull as the football. They took sticks and drew flirtatious odes of affection for each other in the sand. They even saw a family of deer walk by—a buck and a doe and three fawns. And they heard the song of the whippoorwills in the night. Flaurie told him at these sand dunes, “I never knew anything about the countryside before, Flanders.”
And Flanders said, “I know all about the countryside, Flaurie.”
“Let’s be boyfriend-and-girlfriend-in-the-country forever,” she said.
“Forever,” he agreed in his first crush. And he found his first girlfriend.
But one day in the countryside, on a date back at the sand dunes, they both saw a Wisconsin Black Bear off in the distance. The black bear did not see them. And then it walked away. Flanders was nervous. But Flaurie was terrified. And she renounced Wisconsin’s countryside, and he did not. And they broke up not long later.
Here on this two-rutted road walk, Flanders Nickels next remembered Tracy. She was his second girlfriend, and she was as pretty as a princess. She was a real cheerleader. And she was a cheerleader of virtue. Tracy was the first girl with whom he shared a hug. It happened on a date on Homecoming. She the cheerleader and he the fan had just finished seeing their high school football team win the big game. All of the home team fans in the bleachers were happy. Flanders ran down the bleacher steps toward Tracy on the sidelines. And Tracy ran from the sidelines toward Flanders in the bleachers. And they met at the low fence between the track and the bleachers. And cheerleader girlfriend and Redbird fan hugged, the short little fence that was up to the belly between them. What started out as a victory embrace ended up a romance embrace. And they did not let go of each other for
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almost a minute. Flanders wanted to be in her arms for the rest of his life, this hug felt so good.
But one day Tracy’s family moved to the west side of town. And she no longer went to Flanders’s high school. And while he continued saying, “Go Redbirds!” she started saying instead, “Go Phantoms!” And though he still wanted her as his cheerleader girlfriend, she no longer wanted to be his cheerleader girlfriend. And she found a football player from her new high school to go out with. And she and Flanders broke up.
On his walk between the box elders, he then relived his romance with Sonya, his third girlfriend. She was like a dream girl to him she was so attractive. Sonya was the first girl whom he had kissed. By now he was a young man. And Sonya was a young woman. And her most comely part of her features in Flanders’s eyes was her overbite. He had an overbite of his own, and he was attracted to women with overbites. The day of his first kiss happened on a date with Sonya at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Flanders had dark meat original, and Sonya had dark meat extra crispy. And they both had biscuits and gravy. And they sat there side-by-side in the booth, their meals done and their hearts happy and their faces close to each other. Acting completely on impulse, Flanders suddenly went and gave Sonya a kiss on her lips. Right after that, he said, “Whoa! What I just did!” Her pretty eyes were so big now with surprise. “I got carried away, Sonya.” he then said.
Yet she said to him, “No guy has ever kissed me before,” Sweet affection for him was in her words.
“I guess that I never did anything like that before,” he said.
“I liked it, Flanders,” she said. And she kissed him right back on his lips.
“I like that, Sonya,” he said.
But one day she came to Flanders with braces over her teeth. Flanders loved to look at women with braces all the time. But the thought that his Sonya would in time no longer have those buck teeth that were so like his buck teeth caused a schism between them. And she grew weary of his sudden
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coolness toward her. And she broke up with him. And he lost Sonya as his girlfriend.
Flanders felt that he was coming up to the end of this two-rutted road. He thought now upon his fourth girlfriend, his last of his four girlfriends. Her name was “Lisa,” and he called her “Gravel—The Fox.” Lisa was his foxy lady. To all of whom he told about Lisa, they all referred to her as “the love of his life,” To her alone did he say, “I love you.” And from her alone did he hear the same words, “I love you, too, Flanders.” Lisa was his age, his height, his weight, delightfully tall and thin in her build, and the most beautiful of the girlfriends in his life. He had fantasies about making her his fiancée.
His days with her were whirlwinds of spellbinding romance unlike anything that he had felt before.
He was twenty-six years old, and she was twenty-six years old. Her long brown hair of many wisps and her brown eyes full of spirit and soul and her nice bright white complexion all stirred him up in his heart. That first time he had felt her hair, that time her tresses along the side of her head brushed across his right hand by chance, he chose to call “the memory that I will take with me to Heaven.”
But a tragedy came upon his life with Lisa. She went and got her hair cut very short. For any other man, that might not be something to ruin a good romance. But for Flanders it was the death knell of his romance with Lisa. Flanders, upon this simple haircut, thereby fell out of love with Lisa. When he confronted her, she became defensive and said that it was easier for her to take care of her hair now that it was short. And he yelled in utter consternation that now she looked like a man. They had a big fight, and she broke up with him. Maybe he never truly loved Lisa. Too bad she went and ruined her hair as she did. She had taken the feminine beauty away from her head. What was she thinking?
Flanders’s journey upon this two-rutted road was ending just up ahead. Flanders could see the end of this road. He could see where the box elders ended. He could see where the two creeks both emptied out into the sea. And he could see the radiant yellow sunlight upon the waters awaiting him.
He now took out of his shirt pocket that strange Bible verse that he had found in his mailbox this morning. It spoke of what it called “the truth.” It was a Scripture verse handwritten in pencil on an
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index card by an anonymous writer. Flanders had never opened up the Bible before. But this index card Bible verse spoke to him this morning. And when he had prayed for his first time, asking God what he should do about this index card, the Holy Spirit sent him to the beginning of this two-rutted road and then bade him to walk all the way down it to its end. And he had obeyed the Lord. He was almost there. He then stopped to read this index card’s message out loud after already having read it many times in silence. It read, “’Pilate saith unto him, What is truth? And when he had said this, he went out again unto the Jews, and saith unto them, I find in him no fault at all.’ John 18:38,” Flanders wondered in silence, What is truth? He asked himself out loud, “What is truth?” Then he looked up to Heaven and asked God Above, “Lord, what is truth?” Having prayed this, Flanders Nickels put the index card back into his shirt pocket and resumed his walk and came to its end.
Behold, a young woman standing with her back toward him and with her right hand holding an index card of her own and with her face looking upon this index card. The first thing that Flanders noticed about this woman as a woman was the sleek and shiny little dress that she was wearing. It looked to be a pom and dance girl outfit. It shone in the sun with jet black and with glistening white and with glittering silver most temptingly. This pom pom girl dress had white puffed shoulders and long black sleeves with loops to go over the index finger and a long zipper in back from the back of the neck all the way down to the rump and with a V-shape edge to the black skirt portion all embellished with all manner of silver spangles. This man had never seen so enchanting a covering for any woman before out there as this covering of this woman here at his God-inspired destination. Even Lisa’s face was not so dreamy as was this young lady’s pom pom girl uniform. This gal must truly be an Elysian girl! The back of her head abounded in shoulder-length straight blonde hair. The sides of her head were filled with this straight blonde hair fully covering her ears. She was slender like a nymph. Her feet were bare. She was standing in the edge of this sea. To her left, Port Creek emptied into this sea. To her right, Starboard Creek emptied into this sea. And this shore was full of wet sand and dry sand.
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She stood there, her arms akimbo, and she walked out farther into this sea and stopped. The waves washed ashore, drenching her shins, but not touching the bottom of her skirt portion at the knees. She laughed gaily as a happy woman at play. Was this woman as pretty in the front as she was in the back?
Was this woman’s face more entrancing than her slinky little dress? Was she as comely on the inside as she was on the outside? Was she mortal or immortal? Was she make-believe or real? What was written on that index card that she held in her right hand? Was it also a Scripture verse as his was?
Seizing this one moment of his life to seek the one girl who might be the right one for him, Flanders Nickels called forth to the mysterious bedazzling woman, “What is written on that index card, if I may ask, O enchanting lady?”
She turned around to look at him, the index card held still in her right hand. Behold, the face of Heaven itself! She had eyes of brown that were passageways to Paradise. She had hair like unto golden strands of wheat in a tranquil meadow. Her features, all bedazzling, further coordinated with each other into a whole that exceeded its parts in utter fairness. She was more comely now than she was in the back, and she was more comely than the apparel she did wear, and she lived quite mortal with God’s divine creation, and she was real and right here with him; and surely she was more worthy of God even on her inside as she already was on her outside. Here was the world’s most beautiful woman in the world’s most beautiful outfit. He called out to her in giddy and delightful dizziness, “What God wrought!” Here indeed was the Elysian Girl!
And she smiled in affection for him, reading from her index card in answer to his query, “’Who is she that looketh forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun, and terrible as an army with banners?’ Song of Solomon 6:10.”
Her feminine voice was as an angel singing.
“It must surely be about you, O bewitching gal,” he found himself saying in great ardor.
“It was in my mailbox this morning,” she said. “I was thinking that God put that there for me as
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a prophecy for me. Maybe some cute guy like you might come along and tell me that this Bible verse is true.”
“Oh, it is true,” said the smitten Flanders. “It must be about you, and it is true.”
“You must have come here from God,” she said. “Not every handsome young man falls so hard and so fast for a plain and simple pom and dance girl like myself.”
Finding his words now more relaxed with this ethereal woman, Flanders said, “I got an index card with a Bible verse on it in my mailbox, also.”
“What did it say?” she asked.
He took it out of his pocket and read it to her out loud, “It says, ‘Pilate saith unto him, What is truth? And when he had said this, he went out again unto the Jews and saith unto them, I find in him no fault at all.’ And after that it says ‘John 18:38.’”
“Fie on that Pilate,” she said. “The governor goes and asks Jesus what truth was, and right away he walks away from Jesus without letting Jesus tell him what truth is. People do the exact same thing nowadays, and then they die in their sins and go to Hell. So sad.”
“What is truth, O miss?” asked Flanders.
“The Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ is the truth, O sir,” she said.
“I can see that my index card was a prophecy for me, as yours was for you,” he said. “Here I am now also having asked the same question that this Pilate had asked in the verse.”
“My sir, what is your name?” asked this Elysian girl.
“My name is ‘Flanders Nickels,’” he said, bowing before her in utmost respect of her womanhood. “What’s your name?”
With a most feminine curtsy, she replied, “My name is ‘Elysium–The Girl.’”
“I’m most glad to meet you, Elysium,” he said.
“The honor of meeting you, Flanders, is all mine,” she said to him.
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Flanders walked out into the sea in his blue jeans to honor her new acquaintance as a gentleman with a lady. They both extended their left hands for a handshake at the same time, their index cards still in their right hands. They both changed their minds at the same time, and drew back their left hands and put their index cards in their left hands and extended their right hands at the same time. Then they both paused for a moment of confusion. Then they laughed with themselves and shook hands, right hand with right hand. She was remarkably human and yet remarkably Christ-like at the same time.
And Elysium—the Girl—recommended, “Shall we step out onto the beach, Flanders?”
“It is easier to sit on the sand and chat than it is to stand in the ocean and chat, Elysium,” he joked. Young fellow and young maiden laughed merrily together. And they waded back out of the sea and onto the sandy shore.
“I’m sorry that I got your pants all wet like that, Flanders,” said the Elysian Girl.
“Not to worry about that, Elysium,” he said. “That is how I do it. I am one who always jumps in lakes in all of my clothes. I have never done that in any other way.”
“Fascinating guy,” she did praise him. And they sat down upon the dry sand of the beach.
“Are you comfortable sitting in the sand like that, Elysium?” he asked.
“Oh, one thing about me, Flanders. I am one who sits on the ground as I do a chair. In the winters of Wisconsin I sit at my table and read my Bible and pray my prayers. But in the summers of Wisconsin I sit in the grass outside in my yard and read my Bible and pray my prayers,” she told him.
“You are an unusual woman of the Lord, O Elysium,” he said in praise of her.
“Besides, everything that I do in my life in my pom and dance girl dress feels comfortable to me—especially sitting upon the ground in this sand and talking to a cute guy about Jesus,” said the Elysian Girl.
“That dress does look awfully comfortable for a girl to have on, Elysium,” he said.
“It’s made of Nylon and Spandex,” she said.
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“Nylon and Spandex?” he asked.
“Uh huh,” she said with a nodding of her head. “That’s the same fabric that us women’s swimsuits are made of.”
“It shines in the sunlight,” he said.
“You should see how it shines when it gets wet,” she said.
“So true,” he said in the coquetry of the moment. “I can tell.” He looked upon her lap.
She looked down upon the bottom of her skirt portion upon her lap where she sat. “You’re right, Flanders,” she said. “My silver spangles along the bottom got wet from the sea.”
At ease with this down-to-earth Elysian girl, Flanders became curious about this Jesus Whom she said was the truth. “Who is Jesus?” he asked her.
And Elysium—the Girl said, “Jesus is my raison d’etre, Flanders.”
“This Jesus is your reason for being, Elysium?” he asked her, knowing some French.
“It is written, ‘The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.’ Psalm 18:2.” she said. “Again it is written, ‘My goodness, and my fortress; my high tower, and my deliverer; my shield, and he in whom I trust;…’ Psalm 144:2.”
“Your Jesus is many things for you,” said Flanders.
“Jesus gives my life its life, Flanders,” she said. “He is my ‘Satisfier’ and my ‘Fulfiller’ and my ‘Contentor.’”
He thought for a moment, then asked, “Are you saying that this Jesus gives your life satisfaction and fulfillment and contentment, Elysium?”
“Yes, O Flanders. And only Jesus can do that for a person,” said the Elysian girl.
“But I do not have that in my life,” he said.
“Seek Christ, and He will give it to you, Flanders,” she said to him.
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“I’ve been looking for happiness all of my life,” he said. “I thought that I had found the answer to life in Flaurie, but she ran off. I then thought that I had found happiness in Tracy, but we broke up. Then I found my Sonya and believed in her, but then I stop believing in her. And then I found Lisa, and I thought that I had found true love, but it was not.”
“Flanders, those four girls were pretty. Weren’t they?” asked Elysium the Girl.
“They were all beautiful,” he said. “And for a while I was happy with them as my girlfriends.”
“Girlfriends never died for your sins as Jesus Christ did,” preached the wise Elysian Girl.
“Romance made me feel alive with life,” he said, holding on to his testimony and ideology.
“Romance will never give you true joy as a relationship with the Saviour Jesus Christ can, O Flanders,” said the Elysian Girl.
“This Jesus is hardly a girl,” he said in a mild snap. “What can a man do for me?” She cocked her head to the side in rebuke at him. And he remembered her words, and he said them back to her, “Girlfriends never died for my sins as Jesus Christ did.”
The Elysian Girl went on to preach to the unsaved Flanders the wisdom of any saved woman:
“All men and woman and children have a need in their lives that only Christ the Lord can fill. The lost people out there go through their lives in search of filling a void in their lives. In their lost state they seek to fill this emptiness with things or people or activities. But they never think to fill their emptiness with the Saviour, Who loves them. These things that the unsaved seek in their lives are often very bad things in the eyes of the holy God, terrible sins that God hates and that are very harmful to them and that can only make their fires hotter in Hell to come for them. Or these things that the lost do to fill their time and their lives may not be sins in themselves; they could be good things done with a caring heart. But even the good works of a lost person are but as filthy rags in the eyes of the God of judgment. No good work of a person who dies in his sins can please Almighty God. It can never be said of a person who dies in his sins ‘that he was a good person.’”
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“Alas! Doers of evil works and doers of good works both go to the same Hell,” he groaned in dismay. “Who then can go to Heaven?”
“Only us born-again believers,” said Elysium the Girl. “His shed blood covers our sins. Our goodness is all in His Goodness. His power saves us and keeps us saved.”
“Are born-again Christians the only ones on Earth who get to to to Heaven?” asked Flanders.
“Yes, Flanders,” said the Elysian girl. “And my personal Saviour Jesus Christ gives my life its joy and rejoicing.”
“I do not have joy and rejoicing in my life,” he told her once again.
“Vaya con Dios, Flanders,” she said.
“Vaya con Dios,” he said. “That’s Spanish. What’s it mean?”
“Go with God,” she said in translation. “It is my official proverb of my walk with Christ.”
“Go with God,” he said.
“It is written about God, Flanders, ‘…: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. ‘ Hebrews 13:5,” said Elysium the Girl.
“I am beginning to see how going with God might be better than going out with girls,” he told her.
“Thus saith God, ‘…: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.’ Matthew 28:20,” said Elysium the Girl.
“So how did you become born again yourself, O Elysium?” asked Flanders Nickels.
She laughed with herself a good kind laugh. And she said, “Flanders, you may not believe it, but it started out in my life having to make a decision between trying out for the cheerleader squad or trying out for the pom and dance team.”
“That’s going with God?” he asked.
“Not at all at first,” she said. “Remember, a girl does not go with God until she becomes a
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Christian.”
“Oh yeah,” said Flanders in understanding.
“I was a teenager girl and a freshman at West De Pere High School,” she resumed the testimony of her salvation. “Mom said that I must not let my high school extracurricular activities affect my grades on my report card. And Dad went further and told me that I could not become both a cheerleader and a pom and dance girl at the same time. He wanted me to get good grades in my classes.”
“Teenage girl problems,” teased Flanders Elysium.
“And I thought that it was the end of the world,” said the Elysian Girl. “Drama queen indeed.” She went on to say, “I began to think and to come up with a decision. If I were to become a cheerleader, I could wear a long-sleeved sweater and a pleated skirt in front of a whole bleacher full of football fans and look good in that before everyone. And if I were to become a pom pom girl, I could wear that cute little dress in front of all the football stadium and wow all of the cute boys as I danced in it.” She then went on to say, “Then my birthday came up. I was fifteen years old, and I had not yet made my decision. And Mom and Dad gave me a most especial little rowboat for my birthday present—a wooden rowboat, Flanders, with two oars to go with it. Mom said that I could go rowing with it anywhere I wanted to that first day, because it was my birthday. And Dad said right then, ‘Pick a place, my daughter, and we will bring you there. And you can row your boat where you wish.’ I said, ‘I want to go to Washington Island.’ As you know, being a Wisconsin person as I am, that Washington Island is just beyond the northernmost point of the Door County peninsula. I thought to row from just north of Ellison Bay at the end of Highway 42 to the southernmost point of Washington Island between the bay of Green Bay and Lake Michigan. Mom and Dad wanted to go with me, but I wanted to go alone in my rowboat. And they agreed. So they drove me and my rowboat to my departure place, and I got in the boat, and I rowed across the waters.”
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“How was the weather?” asked Flanders.
“There were no waves,” she said.
“How long did it take?” he asked.
“Part of the morning,” she said.
“How far away was it?” he asked.
“About four miles,” she said.
“Then what happened?” he asked.
“There on the island I met a couple called Mr. and Mrs. Magus,” said the Elysian Girl. “They were there on the shore, sitting next to each other on lawn chairs, as if they were expecting me to come along.
The man said to me, ‘God bless you, girl. My name is Mr. Magus.’
And the woman said to me, ‘God keep you, miss. My name is Mrs. Magus.’
And I went and said, ‘Mr. and Mrs Magus, my name is Elysium.’
Then Mr. Magus told me, ‘Fair Elysium, ask me any question, and I will give you the answer of the Lord.’ The wisdom of God’s Holy Spirit shone in his eyes of his hoary head.
And then Mrs. Magus declared to me, ‘Girl Elysium, ask me any request, and I will make it for you from God.’ The power of God shone upon her matronly countenance.”
Flanders spoke now and said, “The name ‘Magus.’ Is not the word ‘magus’ the singular form for the word ‘magi?’”
“Indeed at that, Flanders,” said the Elysian Girl. “The wisemen who came bearing gifts for the Christ child were also called ‘the Magi.’ And in truth the singular form of ‘magi’ is ‘magus.’”
“Mr. and Mrs Magi must surely have been most wise in God,” said Flanders.
“Wise and powerful in the Holy Ghost, Flanders,” said Elysium the Girl.
“So what was your question that you went and asked Mr. Magus, Elysium?” asked Flanders.
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“I asked, ‘Mr. Magus, should I become a cheerleader or a pom pom girl this first year for me at high school?’” said the Elysian Girl. “And you would not believe what he said.”
“What did he tell you?” asked Flanders.
“Why, what he told me could only be said from a true prophet of God,” said Elysium the girl.
“Only God could tell back then that I would be here telling you about the Saviour like this years later.”
“Did Mr. Magus that day tell you about what is happening today for you and me?” asked Flanders.
“Mr. Magus asked me, ‘Which outfit would you rather wear when you will be sharing Christ with a searching soul of a man in the place where the two creeks meet the sea?’ I thought for a while and decided to become a pom and dance girl and not a cheerleader girl, Flanders. The man knew about you and me and this place even back in that day,” exclaimed the Elysian girl.
“And here you are with me, telling me about God, with yourself in a pom pom girl outfit,” said Flanders. “That Mr. Magus was an amazing and godly man.”
“Oh, but Mrs. Magus was just as amazing and godly herself,” said Elysium the Girl.
“Yeah. Mrs. Magus,” said Flanders. “What did you go and ask her to make for you?”
“I, of course, right away asked her if she could make me a nice and comfortable pom and dance girl uniform for myself,” said Elysium. “And at once Mrs. Magus went into the shed and began to work. She was in there for a while, and in this meanwhile Mr. Magus asked me one of those thought-provoking eternal questions.”
“Eternal questions? What’s those?” asked Flanders.
“It is a type of question that gets its listener to start thinking about eternal matters like Heaven and Hell,” said the Elysian Girl.
“What was his eternal question for you?” asked Flanders.
“He asked me, ‘Comely young Elysium, if you were to stand before Jesus at the gates of
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Heaven, what would you tell Him so that He would let you come into His Heaven?’” said Elysium.
“That’s a hard question,” said Flanders.
“But I knew my answer,” said Elysium.
“What did you say?” asked Flanders.
“I said, ‘But I do not think that I am going to Heaven, Mr. Magus.’” said the Elysian Girl.
“I do not think that I am going Up There, either, right now,” said Flanders.
“Mr. Magus helped me, and I can help you,” said Elysium.
“What did he do for you when you told him that you were not going to Heaven?” asked Flanders.
“He told me the Gospel of salvation,” said the Elysian Girl, “that the Lord Jesus died on the cross for my sins and rose again back to life on the third day.”
“That’s powerful stuff,” said Flanders, his eyes opening now to this saving Gospel that led this Elysian girl to become a born-again believer.
“And then he preached to me all about Jesus. Then he led me through the sinners’ prayer.
And by doing that I became this born-again Christian sharing the good news of the Gospel to you now,” said Elysium the Girl.
“Did Mrs. Magus finish up her work for you in her workroom?” asked Flanders.
“Yes! Yes!” said Elysium in great delights. “She finished her work, came back out into the yard where Mr. Magus had just got done leading me to salvation, and she showed it to me.”
“Let me guess,” said Flanders, all caught up in her enthusiasm as well. “Was it black and white and silver all over?”
“It was, and it is, and it always will be,” sang out the Elysian Girl in pleasure. And in indication, she lifted an edge of her skirt portion between her thumb and her index finger and then let it fall back down over her upper leg.
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“Sexy,” said Flanders Nickels. “Very sexy.”
“It feels good, too, Flanders,” said Elysium the Girl.
“If I were a girl, I would not wait to get home before I put that pom and dance uniform on that day,” said Flanders. “I would put it on at once and never take it off,”
“Which is exactly what I did in my first moments of my Christian life,” she said. “I went into the shed, made sure no one was around, and took off my old clothes and put on my new pom pom uniform. As soon as I came back out, I said, ‘Thank you, Mr. Magus. Thank you, Mrs. Magus.’ And at once I got back into my rowboat, rowed back to Door County, and met Mom and Dad. Mom saw the new me and said, ‘My little girl has grown up.’ And when Dad saw me in this he said, ‘My daughter is a woman now.’ They both loved my new little dress almost as much as I did, Flanders.”
“Getting born again was a great thing for you to do,” said Flanders.
“It was the best thing that ever happened to me,” said Elysium the Girl.
“I am ready to do the same thing now, O Elysium,” he said. “I want to become a Christian now just like you.”
“So happy a day this is for me to be called of God to lead you to the Saviour,” said the Elysian girl in joy of the Lord. And she said, “Let us kneel upon this sand and say the sinners’ prayer together.
I will lead you line-by-line through the prayer. All you need to do to become a believer like myself is simply repeat after me and mean it with your heart and say it with your mouth.”
“Let’s do that,” he said. The Christian pom and dance woman and the man seeking truth knelt down now upon the sand of this beach for this prayer for salvation.
Just then a flaming arrow whistled through the air, passed by between their heads, and went and stuck into a tree and set the trunk of the tree on fire. Man and woman quickly looked up at who might have fired this arrow that had just missed them.
Flanders saw a red she-imp riding a harpy above the sea not one hundred feet away. The
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little red she-devil was drooling and was holding a bow and arrow in her hands and was wearing a quiver of arrows along her back. And the harpy was hovering about ten yards above the waters and was hurling curses upon the two on the shore and against God Above.
The Elysian Girl cried out to the demoness, “Go away, La Diabla!”
“That was a flaming arrow that just missed us,” cried out Flanders.
Elysium the Girl cried out, “Flanders, I beg of you: ‘Leave right now if you value your male gender.’”
“My lady,” he said back to her, “I will not leave until you finish leading me to Christ.” There was some rebuke in his tone quite understandably from his viewpoint.
La Diabla then drew a second arrow out of her quiver, and she held it out in front of the harpy’s beak, and the harpy breathed out fire from its beak, and the tip of the arrow became a flame. She aimed her flaming arrow at Flanders toward his chest.
“Beware the red demoness’s flaming arrow, O Flanders!” cried out the Elysian Girl.
“Milady, I am willing to endure fire for the cause of Christ in my seeking the Saviour right now,” firmly declared Flanders.
“Shoot your flaming arrow at me, La Diabla,” cried out Elysium.
In mock, La Diabla moved her bow and flaming arrow now at the Elysian Girl, toward her chest, and she said, “Why don’t you leave, lady, if you really value your female gender?”
Flanders came to understand this red demon’s power of flaming arrows. But he went and asked, “La Diabla, what do your flaming arrows do to people?”
And the red imp answered, saying, “With them I have the power to turn a guy into a gal, and I have the power to turn a gal into a guy.”
“That’s impossible,” he said.
This time the Elysian Girl rebuked him, “Flanders, it has happened!”
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Having received this chastisement from his pom pom girl mentor, he turned humble and not so
fearless of La Diabla and her harpy. But he was now looking around with his eyes furtively for a weapon to use against them here on this shore of sea.
The red devil-woman, upon seeing Flanders’s sudden reticence and humility, went on to a great gloating braggadocio and scorn of the two at her mercy. First she raised her bow and arrow up into the sky and fired it straight upward. And as it came back down, the harpy easily flew off to the side in order that the arrow not strike dirty bird or dirty rider. And the arrow stuck fast into the sand, and the fire went out. “Ha ha ha!” laughed La Diabla, always on top of the situation and seemingly invincible.
She went on now with her words, “Lady, I can shoot you through with my flaming arrow, and you will not come to harm, and you will become a healthy young man. And any plans for you to become this man’s girlfriend will never come to pass.”
Flanders took notice of a rock off to the side behind a little tree. The red minion and her harpy could not see it with the tree in front of it. This little rock was about four inches in diameter. It could be a weapon that Flanders could use to strike down this minion lady where she hovered up there upon the harpy’s back.
The red devil woman went on to say more braggadocio about herself, saying, “Gentleman, I could shoot you instead. You would not die from my flaming arrow, seeing that it does not work like a regular arrow. But you will become a beautiful woman like this woman here. Let’s see you try to become her boyfriend like that!”
In a most clever tactic, Flanders said to the red imp, not without some truth, “Then I could wear the pom and dance uniform.”
“Yes. The pom pom girl dress. Doesn’t it look good and comfortable, Flanders?” said La Diabla, tricked most subtly. Flanders slowly began to walk over toward that tree with the rock that lay upon the ground behind it.
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“Man, where are you going?” shrieked out the red devilgirl.
Flanders said, “I was looking to see if I could see a good place out in the open here where I could put on this pom and dance uniform in privacy when I become this woman that you will turn me into.”
“That tree won’t do!” shrieked La Diabla. “I will make you put it on in front of me and my harpy and your woman without a tree to hide behind. Now get away from there.” He stopped.
Catching on to his stall tactics, but not aware of the rock, the Elysian Girl saw a tree off toward the other side that was not far from her. And she slowly began to walk stealthily toward it, not knowing quite if this were what Flanders needed right now in this battle against she-devil and harpy.
“Woman, where do you think you’re going?” screamed out La Diabla to Elysium the Girl.
In much truth and in much deceit, the Elysian Girl said, “I am trying to hide behind this tree from your flaming arrow.”
Falling all the way into this trick because of her much pride and power, the red imp woman said, “Don’t go there right now. Stop where you are. And walk no closer to that tree.”
Elysium the Girl stopped in her walk to the tree. But then she saw Flanders give her a surreptitious glance toward behind his tree. And when she looked, she saw the rock and did understand fully what Flanders was doing with his strategy. And she came up with a perfect trick of her own to buy them both time. And she said, “La Diabla.”
“Woman, tell me what you have to say,” said La Diabla.
“You should not settle for just one flaming arrow for one of us. You should think big and go for two arrows for the two of us,” said the Elysian Girl with guile.
“Do you mean I should go ahead and shoot you with one of my flaming arrows and also shoot him with one of my flaming arrows?” asked the red demoness. The red devil woman was looking hard at the Elysian Girl, her ears eating up what the Elysian Girl was saying, and her eyes staying upon the
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Elysian Girl. And La Diabla’s focus and eyes and attention were now completely oblivious to Flanders and what he was doing. “Do go and tell me more, lady.” demanded the red minion.
“Why you could turn me into a man and turn him into a woman. Are not two flaming arrows twice as good as one flaming arrow?” asked Elysium the Girl.
“Ho! Ho! Ho!” agreed La Diabla.
Flanders was now behind the tree. He stealthily picked up the rock in two hands.
And Elysium went on to tell La Diabla, “And, lo, when that happens, red imp, Flanders and I can still date.”
“That’s nice and kinky,” said the red minion. “But still decent in the eyes of nature.”
Flanders then looked up to Heaven and prayed in silence, “Lord, if You would, make this rock hit its mark.”
The Elysian Girl could read his lips. But she knew that God would not answer his prayers because he was still lost in his sins. Herself, saved from her sins, God would answer her prayers. And she prayed in silence, “Lord, if You would, make that rock hit its mark.”
And Flanders stepped out from behind his tree, threw the rock toward the rider on the harpy. Behold, the rock struck La Diabla upon the forehead of her imp-like head. And the red demoness fell dead at once into the sea.–she and all her artillery. And the rock fell down into the sea after her. And the outnumbered harpy fled for her life without daring say anymore curses against righteousness and holiness.
All was quiet and peaceful and benevolent in the Lord once again here at the shore of the sea where two creeks met. He asked her, “You knew her. Didn’t you?”
“Uh huh,” said the Elysian Girl. “The Devil sent her my way because I was winning lots of souls away from him and to the Lord.”
“I can see that a Christian is liable to get persecuted for doing good,” he said.
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“Could I do good now for your eternal soul, Flanders?” she asked.
“Yes, Elysium my girl. I am ready now to get saved. Lead me through that prayer if you would,” said Flanders Nickels.
And they knelt upon the wet sand, the waves washing ashore and grazing their lower legs and ankles and feet, and they prayed: “Dear God,” she began in lead.
“Dear God,” Flanders said after her.
“I am a sinner who cannot save himself,” she said next for him.
“I am a sinner who cannot save himself,” he said in cue.
“I believe that the Lord Jesus died for my sins on the cross,” she said for him.
“I believe that the Lord Jesus died for my sins on the cross,” he said.
“And I believe that this same Jesus rose from the dead on the third day,” she said.
“And I believe that this same Jesus rose from the dead on the third day,” he did pray.
“Please forgive me of all of my sins,” she said.
“Please forgive me of all of my sins,” he said.
“And save my soul from the fires of Hell,” she said.
“And save my soul from the fires of Hell,” he said.
“Fill me with the Holy Spirit all the rest of the days of my life,” she said.
“Fill me with the Holy Spirit all the rest of the days of my life,” he said.
“In Jesus’s name I pray. Amen,” she finished the sinners’ prayer.
“In Jesus’s name I pray. Amen,” he concluded his prayer for salvation.
He looked up, saw his Elysian girl looking at him in ardent wonder, and said, “There. I’m saved! I’m really saved! Thank you, Elysium! Thank You, Lord!”
On their knees and in the magic of romance Elysium the Girl went and stole a kiss right on his lips. And when they drew apart from that kiss, she said most coyly about that kiss, “I’m really, really
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sorry.”
He quickly said, “I liked that!” And in responding in equal magic of romance, he put his arms around the pom and dance girl in hug. And she affectionately embraced him in like where they knelt.
“I really, really like this!” said the Elysian Girl. And they drew apart. Flanders then proffered his arm, and she accepted it with his arm, and they got to their feet, and they looked out upon the two creeks.
Flanders said to his loved one, “I used to say, ‘Cherchez la femme.’ Behold, a girlfriend who comes along and gives me a Saviour.”
Elysium the Girl said, “And I used to say, ‘Vaya con Dios.’ Lo, the God Who gives me a boyfriend.”
“This morning I asked myself, ‘What is truth?’ And this afternoon you told me, O Elysian Girl,” he said. “Jesus is Truth.”
“As for myself, I asked myself, ‘What is romance?’” said Elysium. “And this afternoon you are showing me. It is fellowship and flirt with a cute Christian guy.”
“Fair and delightful Elysium,” he said.
“Yes, my handsome prince?” she asked.
And he said to her that love ode that she had read to him in query just this morning: “Who is she that looketh forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun, and terrible as an army with banners?”
“It is I. Isn’t it, my knight in shining armor?” asked the Elysian Girl.
“And I love you,” said Flanders Nickels.
“And I love you,” said Elysium the Girl.
“Let’s run away together to an exotic place!” he said.
“Let’s run away together to Bethlehem, the town where our Saviour was born into this world,
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O boyfriend-in-Christ,” she said.
“Let’s do that, girl!” he said. “Let’s run away to the Holy Land!”
“We can look for the stable where God was born,” she said.
“And if we find that stable,” he said, “maybe we can get married there.”
“Flanders Nickels, are you proposing to me?” she asked.
“I am,” he said. “Are you saying, ‘I do?’”
“I do,” she said. “I surely do!”
“I do, too,” he said.
And they were now fiancé-and-fiancée-in-Christ.
And at once the man reached down and swept the woman up off of her feet and carried her back to the two-rutted road where it did end up and set her down upon a stump two-and-one-half feet high. He said, “Here was where I first saw you. And here I will first sing to you. Would you sing with me?”
“I will sing with you and to you,” she said.
“And to our Saviour, also,” he said.
“To Him especially always,” said the Elysian Girl.
“Do you know the Christmas carol ‘The Friendly Beasts?’” he asked.
“The carol about Bethlehem indeed!” she said. “I know that carol better than I know any other carol.”
“I memorized it,” he said.
“I did, too,” she said
“Shall we sing ‘The Friendly Beasts’ to Christ, O dear Elysium my Girl?” he asked.
“Let’s sing it!” she said in fervor.
In romance he said, “But first you need to be on my lap.”
“I would love to be on your lap when we sing,” she said.
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And she got up from the stump, and he got on the stump, and she sat down upon his lap. Thus the pom pom girl believer and the boyfriend believer sang the beloved folk carol about Christ’s First Coming:
“1. Jesus our brother, strong and good,
Was humbly born in a stable rude,
And the friendly beasts around Him stood…
Jesus our brother, strong and good.
2. ‘I,’ said the donkey, shaggy and brown,
‘I carried His mother up hill and down,
I carried her safely to Bethlehem town;
I,’ said the donkey, shaggy and brown.
3. ‘I,’ said the cow, all white and red,
‘I gave Him my manger for His bed,
I gave Him my hay to pillow His head;
I,’ said the cow, all white and red.
4. ‘I,’ said the sheep, with curly horn,
‘I gave Him my wool for His blanket warm,
He wore my coat on Christmas morn;
I,’ said the sheep, with curly horn.
5. ‘I,’ said the dove, from the rafters high,
‘Cooed Him to sleep, my mate and I,
We cooed Him to sleep, my mate and I;
I,’ said the dove, from the rafters high.
6. And every beast, by some good spell,
In the stable dark was glad to tell
Of the gift he gave Immanuel…
The gift he gave Immanuel.”
Having sung this with him, the Elysian Girl grabbed his hand with her hand and said, “Let’s run out into the sea up to our heads, Flanders—you and I in flirt!”
“Such coquetry indeed,” he said.
“We can splash around and have fun and never forget this evening,” she said
“But you’ll get your pom and dance girl uniform all wet,” he said in obvious facetiousness.
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In great mirth, the Elysian Girl said, “Oh, Flanders, forbid the thought that a pom pom girl should get her little black dress all wet.”
“You mean her little black and white and silver dress, O my Elysian Girl,” he teased her right back.
And having said these things, Elysium—Flanders’s Girl—and Flanders, his two hands in her two hands, both ran out into the sea up to their necks and frolicked in delight-some spree for the beginning of the rest of their lives together.
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