THE FORREST CHEERLEADERS
By Mr. Morgan P. McCarthy
The Forrest cheerleaders, identical twins, were both born-again Christians living for Christ. Stacey was dressed in her red cheerleader uniform. Her full name was “Stacey Redde Forrest.” Jaycee was dressed in her yellow cheerleader uniform. Her full name was “Jaycee Jaune Forrest.” Their cheerleader outfits, other than their colors, were as identical as their faces. Stacey Forrest was attired in a long-sleeved dark red sweater with the big white chenille letters “F.” and “H.” upon it diagonally. And she had on a name badge that read, “Stacey.” And her skirt was a skirt full of numerous narrow box pleats about her loins, red pleats with white contrasting pleats. Likewise Jaycee Forrest was attired in a long-sleeved golden yellow sweater also with the big white chenille diagonal letters “F” and “H.” She had on a name badge that read, “Jaycee.” Likewise was her skirt of many narrow box pleats, yellow pleats with white contrasting pleats. Stacey’s hair was dark blonde, somewhat straight, with a wave of bangs, and descending down the back of her head to her middle of her back. And she had a red ribbon upon her head. Again likewise Jaycee’s hair was also dark blonde, somewhat straight, with a
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wave of bangs and descending in back from her head down to halfway down her back. She had a yellow ribbon in her hair. And Stacey always carried her red pom poms with her wherever she went, shaking them and swinging them around. Jaycee, in like, shook her yellow pom poms wherever she went and wherever she was.
Right now the Forrest cheerleaders were in their Mom and Dad’s sun room, shaking their pom poms with the sound of swishing and practicing their skips and hops and pirouettes. Along one wall was all windows. Along the opposite wall were all red bricks. The garage was on the other side of the bricks. Along another wall was paneling. And along the last wall were cement blocks. In front of the wall of paneling was a big folding table full of fan mail for the Forrest cheerleaders. Right now all of these letters were arranged according to date of delivery. There were shoe boxes with such letters and cards for each month of this past year, all written by their fans. And both Forrest cheerleaders loved to read them all over many times. Some of their fans requested autographed pictures, and these grateful
celebrities were more than glad to accommodate such. Most of their fans were children of all ages. Jaycee and Stacey were happy in their semi-stardom. And they loved being cheerleaders. And even though they were dressed as cheerleaders for their work, they were not real cheerleaders that cheered for a team. These Forrest cheerleaders instead cheered boys and girls on as the boys and girls made their ways through a type of obstacle course full of prizes and money. They worked at a TV game show studio as assistants to the show’s host. The show was called, “Funhouse.” Their cheerleader sweaters’ chenille emblems “F” and “H” thus represented the name of the TV game show that they appeared in. Their host was J. D. Roth. And their fellow assistant was a man called “Tiny.” The year was 1989. And they loved their job. Along the wall of cement blocks, the Forrest cheerleaders had their work papers, organized upon a card table in little wire baskets and in wooden index card boxes.
There was nothing in front of the wall full of windows. And there was nothing in front of the brick wall. And before the brick wall Jaycee and Stacey did their best cheerleader dances and shook their
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most vigorous of pom pom shakes. Often they shared their experiences together of cheering children on and of the crazy things the children did to win. They shared their appreciation for J. D. Roth. They said good things also about Tiny. They told of when they had first put on their respective cheerleader uniforms and how that was like a whole new world for them. They told of how they did not care for their alternate short-sleeved cheerleader sweaters that they had to put on from time to time. They also said to each other again how hard it was to take care of their hair that was was so very long and so very thick, but that they still wanted it to be that long anyway, no matter what. “We need to look pretty for our boyfriends,” said Stacey.
“Our boyfriends like our hair long, too,” agreed Jaycee.
They also disagreed with the management’s decision for the Forrest cheerleaders to have only one ribbon in their hair.
“I would prefer two ribbons in my hair,” said Stacey.
“And I would want three ribbons,” said Jaycee.
“But I love red,” said Stacey about her cheerleader uniform. “Red looks good on a girl like myself.” Her middle name was, “Redde.”
“I prefer yellow,” said Jaycee, speaking well of her cheerleader uniform. “My middle name means ‘yellow’ in French.” Her middle name was “Jaune.”
“I wonder if there are identical twins in Heaven,” said Stacey.
“If there aren’t any identical twins in Heaven yet, then we will be the first.” said Jaycee.
“There are so few born-again believers like ourselves, and only born-again believers get to go to Heaven,” said Stacey.
“There may be a few million believers on this Earth right now, but there are billions of unbelievers on this Earth right now,” said Jaycee.
“I would think then that there might be a few identical twin believers who are There right now,”
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said Stacey.
“I wonder if there are other cheerleaders up There right now,” said Jaycee.
“Cheerleaders get saved, too,” said Stacey. “They get saved and go on to live for God. Look at the two of us,”
“I wonder if we can cheer in Heaven,” said Jaycee.
“I would think that we could,” said Stacey.
“We could cheer for Jesus,” said Jaycee.
“Whom better to cheer for than Christ?” asked Stacey.
“What better way to glorify our Saviour before His throne than to shake our pom poms and chant cheers before Him?” asked Jaycee.
“I think that when we see Jesus There we will more probably fall on our knees and worship Him
in humility and humbleness,” said Stacey.
“I myself would probably not dare to say a word to Him,” concurred Jaycee. “What can any person like myself do when I see God in His Deity other than to say nothing and listen much?”
“The Bible says that God’s voice is ‘like the sound of many waters,’” said Stacey.
“And the Bible also says that God’s voice is ‘like the noise of many waters,’” said Jaycee.
Meanwhile two young men were down in their basement playing pool. They were best friends. And they were roommates. One was Flanders Nickels, Stacey’s boyfriend. The other was Proffery Coins, Jaycee’s boyfriend. Flanders and Proffery were both lost in their sins.
Proffery asked, “Flanders, what do you think will be in Heaven when you get There?”
“Dogs!” said Flanders right away and with sureness. “It will be Dog Heaven for me.”
“You were always the one for dogs,” said Proffery.
“I will live by myself in a beautiful house in Dog Heaven, and lots and lots of dogs will be roaming free in my countryside yard,” said Flanders. “My yard will be a vast and broad land with a
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river running alongside of it. There will be different sections of my yard—like a prairie here and a hill there and a ledge here and a valley there and a woods here and a sand dunes there—lots of different countrysides all throughout. And there will be an official dog ruler for each section of my big yard over that section’s dogs. And there will be no other people in my Dog Heaven to come. I will have my Shepherd-mix dog Blitzen back in my life when I get there. He will be my favorite of all of the dogs. And there shall be a leader of all of the dogs throughout, who is a Belgian Tervuren. I will call him ‘the Packmaster.’ I will have a Musicland Store there that will make up the first floor of my house, and it will have a special record section full of Anne Murray forty-fives and albums. Country music and pop rock music makes me to think about dogs. And in the floor of this Musicland will be a trap door that opens up to my living quarters below. Down there will be my bedroom with a little library full of books about dogs. I will have a section of books about popular music and its singers. I will have a section of dog books telling all about each breed of dog there is. I will have a section of dog picture books with color pictures and black and white pictures. And I will have a section full of all of my records and cassette tapes. There will be no windows in this room. Alongside of my bed will I have a record player and a radio and a tape cassette player. Again, songs make me to daydream about dogs. Behind the head of my bed will I have a shelf with two big hardcover books with many color pictures. One book will be all about Anne Murray. The other book will be all about Lassie. Also on this lower level will be a kitchen where I can make myself anything that I want to eat. And also on this lower level will be a sun room nicer than that of our girlfriends.’ I can just imagine it. It will have yellow sunlight pouring through the south wall all full of windows, and it will have nothing else in it. Maybe carpet. But no furniture.” Continuing this narrative of Dog Heaven, he said, “Then the day will come when I will have to leave Dog Heaven and go to the greater Heaven, the ultimate Paradise. I will stand by the river, and I will say, ‘Good-bye’ to Blitz and to the Packmaster. Then I will jump into the warm cozy river and float down the river safely and securely on my way to Heaven. Then, where the river
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ends, I get out and begin my journey through ‘the Afterward.’ And that is a walk alone through countryside lands more beautiful even than those I had been sharing with Dog Heaven’s dogs. Then I come to a passageway between two big box elders that is filled with fog. This is the gate to Heaven—where God awaits me. I have come Home. God is a resplendent Collie dog. This Collie dog God’s name is ‘Zack.’ I pass through this gate, come into Heaven, and finally meet and fall in love with Zack. And I live happily ever after.”
“You’re dog-crazy, Flanders,” said Proffery.
“Do you have any better ideas of what Heaven will be?” asked Flanders.
“I do have an idea of what Heaven will be for me,” said Proffery.
“Tell me your ideas of your afterlife,” said Flanders.
“It’s all about money,” he said. “To begin with I will have a money tree. In fact not just one money tree, but a whole orchard of money trees. Some of my money trees will have coins. Some of my money trees will have cash. Also Up There I will be able to hoard up a dragon’s treasure worth of gold and silver. I will find my gold in a gold mine. And I will find my silver in a silver mine. And I will have a treasure field, where I will dig into my field with a shovel and discover little treasure chests down below. And I will have my own mint. And I will have my own treasury. And—”
“You’re money-crazy, Proffery,” said Flanders.
“Well, listening to what our girlfriends have to say about their afterlife, men like us would not want to end up There in their Heaven for long. That’s for sure,” said Proffery.
“Yeah! Exactly,” said Flanders.
“My Jaycee says that she cannot wait until the rapture happens and she gets to go to Heaven to be with Jesus forever,” said Proffery.
“My Stacey talks the same way,” complained Flanders. “Who would want to be with Jesus all the time like that?”
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“Born-again Christians do,” said Proffery.
“They’re Jesus-crazy,” said Flanders.
“Christ-crazy,” said Proffery.
“She even tells me that Jesus is what makes Heaven what it is and not dogs,” said Flanders.
“My girlfriend said that the love of money is the root of all evil and that Heaven is all about the Prince of Peace and not about getting money,” said Proffery.
“How does she know?” asked Flanders.
“She said that she learned these things from the Holy Bible,” said Proffery.
“And my girlfriend said that she learned things like that from the Holy Spirit that indwells her,” said Flanders.
Proffery lined up to shoot his next shot in the pool game. He was not focused on pool. And, behold, he shot the eight ball accidentally into the pocket, instantly losing the game.
“Unlucky shot, Proffery,” said Flanders.
“I was mad,” Proffery said. “Why does Jaycee Forrest have to think that way?”
“I am mad at Stacey Forrest,” said Flanders. “The things she tells me drive a fellow mad.”
“Shall we play another game of pool?” asked Proffery.
“Let’s not,” said Flanders. And, offended by the wisdom of their Christian girlfriends, the men walked away from the pool table, disgruntled.
The next day the four were all together on a double date at the Forrest house. They were in their “romp room.” This was the big room on the third floor that was transformed from a barren attic to a playroom. The Forrest Cheerleaders, under the permission of their mom and dad, had gone about and brought a dozen mattresses and fifty sofa cushions in here to cover up the bare wooden floor. Here in this romp room the four spent much time playing games together, often times the guys against the girls.
They played football up here. They played soccer up here. They played kickball up here. They played
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pom-pom-pull-away up here. They played duck-duck-goose up here. And most of all the cheerleaders put on a cheer leading show up here for their boyfriends. But today they decided to play “All-Star Wrestling” here in this room full of mattresses and cushions. Being fans of old-time professional wrestling, the four well knew the choreography and the moves and the wrestlers of All-Star Wrestling. And they commenced to romp in this romp room this day once again in “A.W.A wrestling”:
“The High Fliers’ drop kick.” declared Stacey Forrest. And her boyfriend Flanders stood there, ready for some fun. And the cheerleader in red leaped up off of the floor with both feet, and in mid-air kicked out at Flanders into his chest with her sneakers, then landed like a cheerleader sturdy upon her feet upon the floor. Flanders fell back some feet and landed upon his back. And he shook his head to “regain his senses.” And he said, “Not bad, Stacey.” And he got back up, well and laughing. It was all fake.
Next the cheerleader in yellow spoke, and she said, “The Crusher’s Bolo Punch.” And Proffery her boyfriend stood there and awaited their next trick together. And Jaycee Forrest made a fist and began to wind up her arm, swinging it at her side in circles over and over again in preparations to throw that punch. Then she threw the punch. And she “slugged Proffery in an upper cut.” And his knees buckled from underneath himself, and he slumped down to the floor “knocked out.” Then he opened his eyes and said, “Well done, Jaycee.” This was not real. And he got back to his feet and snickered in fun.
Next it was Flanders’s turn with his cheerleader girlfriend. And he declared “The Road Warriors’ body slam.”
“’Animal’ or ‘Hawk?’” asked Stacey.
“Either one will do,” said Flanders.
And she stood there, ready for her and his choreography. And he reached out his right hand to underneath her part down there and reached out his left hand to her back of her neck. And he lifted up
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this cheerleader in red in both arms, held her above his head with great effort, and threw her down upon her back and bottom down upon the mattresses and cushions. She gave out a “grunt of pain.” And she lay there with a “disorientation in her eyes.” Then she hopped right back up and all aware, And she said, “I wish that I were strong enough to do that with you, Flanders.” This make-believe was fun.
Now it was Proffery’s turn with his cheerleader in yellow. Proffery went on to say, “Jaycee, the Gagne sleeper.”
“Greg Gagne or Verne Gagne?” asked Jaycee.
“Either one,” he said.
“I’m ready,” she said.
And he grabbed his cheerleader, and he put his one arm around the side of her neck, and he put his other arm around that arm and held on tight. Then he began to “squeeze” in upon his girlfriend’s neck with his arms where she stood. She flailed her arms about “in panic.” She then let her head drop down. Then she fell to her knees. Then she fell upon her bottom. Then she fell upon her back. And her eyes were closed. Jaycee Forrest had been “put to sleep by this sleeper hold.” And Proffery let go of her. Then she “came to” and jumped right back up and said, “I wonder what it would be like for real,” She had never lost her consciousness. And she said, “Good job, boyfriend.”
And Proffery said to her, “Good job, girlfriend.”
After these four skits, Flanders then said, “Battle royal!”
“Battle royal!” agreed the three others at once.
Stacey said, “We all know who always wins the battle royals in A.W.A wrestling,”
Jaycee said, “Yeah. Andre most certainly.”
“The giant,” said Flanders.
“Andre the Giant,” said Proffery.
“Seven feet four inches tall and two hundred kilograms large,” said Stacey.
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Andre the giant weighed, in the English system, five hundred pounds. And he was known as the all-star wrestler who was undefeated throughout his long career. [At that time he had not yet taken on Hulk Hogan and found his first defeat]. And he was the largest man in professional sports of all sports and their athletes.
Flanders said, “We know the rules to the battle royal.”
And Proffery said, “If a wrestler gets thrown over the ropes and out of the ring, he is disqualified.”
And Stacey said, “The last one standing in the ring is the winner.”
And Jaycee said, “We have no ring, and we have no ropes.”
And Flanders said, “We will have to pretend.”
And Proffery said, “All-Star Wrestling is pretend.”
And in improvisation the Forrest cheerleaders and their affectionate boyfriends staged an impromptu battle royal here in this romp room. And in the end Flanders won.
They all sat down upon the mattresses and the cushions now to regain their breath. Even though this were really acting and not fighting, this choreography was still quite the exertion.
Then Flanders said, “Proffery, we know our girlfriends better even than their mom and dad do,”
And Proffery said, “Who else but we two men can always tell the difference between these identical twins?”
Stacey said, “But we identical twins know each other even better than you our boyfriends know us.”
And Jaycee said, “Only God knows us cheerleaders better than we do each other.”
Upon hearing the name of God, Flanders huffed, and Proffery sighed.
It was another day, and Stacey Forrest was on a date with Flanders at the dog pound. He had asked her out with him here to look at the dogs with him. He had no dog of his own. And Stacey
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thought it good that he get his mind off of his beloved late Blitz that had belonged to his parents.
On the way to the pound, he asked her, “Do you think that I should actually adopt a dog of my very own?”
And she said, “You love dogs, Flanders. And so do I.”
Then he joked and said, “I’ll go and adopt a dozen dogs then, O Stacey Forrest.”
“The city ordinance won’t let you have twelve dogs, Flanders,” she said.
“I know,” he said with a laugh at himself. She laughed, too.
“I’m excited,” he said as they pulled into the animal shelter parking lot. And he leaped out of the car, ran to the door of the dog pound, then remembered his girlfriend. And he ran back and opened her car door for her.
She thanked him and said, “I’m excited, too, for you, Flanders.”
Then he ran ahead of her and went right in without holding the dog pound door open for her. Then she went in after him. He was already in the section of the big cages. And she went on and found him. Together they saw big dogs and medium dogs and little dogs. There were terriers and spaniels and hounds and herding dogs and police dogs and toy dogs and Collie dogs. “Just look at that tri-color Collie, Stacey,” said Flanders in great admiration. And he began to share his wisdom about dogs and their parts to her, saying, “Pastern, chest, flews, muzzle, stop, occiput, feather, crest, withers, loin, point of rump, hock or tarsus, knee or stifle, brisket, elbow, feathering.” Then he exclaimed, “Oo, baby! I am in Dog Heaven!”
“These dogs are like angels to you,” she said.
“These dogs are just like God to me,” he said. She knew about his daydream of his Dog Heaven, in which he came to the end of his journey, walked between those two big box elders, and finally met his Zack–God, the Collie.
She began to reconsider his love for dogs. And she began to doubt his affection for her. Then
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he said, “I can come home with twelve dogs and make a little Dog Empire for me in my and my roommate’s house.”
She asked him, “Would twelve dogs be better for you than one cheerleader girlfriend, Flanders?”
“Twelve dogs would be better for me than your one Jesus is for you,” bragged Flanders on canine kind.
Stacey Forrest saw his blasphemy that came from his heart. Then she asked, “Would one dog be better for you than myself?”
“Oh, if it be a Collie. For sure, girlfriend,” he said. “What can a guy like me say?”
“Are you going to adopt this Collie?” she asked, her feelings hurt.
“I want to shop around and buy twelve Collies, girl,” he said. “Then I will finally be happy in my so-called life.”
“I am happy in my life with one Saviour,” she said.
“But, no, the city won’t let me have twelve Collies in one house!” he said in bitterness. And Flanders left the humane society building with a slamming of their door. The date was ended.
It was another day and Proffery and Jaycee were on a date together on his front stoop at the top cement step. He said, “I dream about being filthy rich, Jaycee.”
“I have riches in Christ laid up for me in Heaven,” said the cheerleader in yellow.
“How’s that again?” he asked in offense.
“In Ephesians 2:7 it says, ‘That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus,’” quoted Jaycee.
“I prefer riches of cash to riches of Christ,” said the unsaved Proffery.
“In Proverbs 23:5, God’s Word tells us, ‘…for riches certainly make themselves wings; they fly away as an eagle toward heaven,’” recited Jaycee Forrest more scripture.
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“Let me tell you about the kind of riches that would make me happy, woman,” he said. “I do
not want to be a common millionaire. And being a billionaire, well, the world already has a few of them. I want to be the world’s first trillionaire.”
“That’s our country’s whole national debt,” she said, stunned at his avarice. “How are you going to do that, Proffery?”
“I was thinking about starting out small,” he said.
“How small?” she asked.
“See that porch of that house across the street?” he asked.
“I do,” she said. “It’s a nice little porch with steps kind of like yours here that we are sitting upon.”
“What do you see there on that porch across the street?” he asked.
“A porch swing and pots of herbs and a nice braided rug,” she began. “What do you see?”
“I see a package that I want to have,” he said.
“I see the package now,” she said. “The deliveryman must have dropped that off for them. What do you want with it?’
“I want it so that I can sell it so that I can begin my life with much money,” he said.
“That’s called ‘being a porch pirate,’ Proffery,” she said.
“I first got that idea yesterday when I was watching the local news,” said Proffery. “They say that that is becoming a problem now in communities.”
“You want to go and do porch piracy?” she asked in incredulity.
“I’ve got to start somewhere,” he said.
“You know how we Christians say, ‘Money cannot buy happiness,’” said Jaycee Forrest.
“That’s easy if you’ve got money,” he said.
“You’ve got money already,” she said. “You two men make twice as much money as we two
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women do.”
“Well this man who is your boyfriend wants more money,” he told her. “And that little package looks quite good to me right now.” He stood up and considered going over there to pirate the porch.
“No, Proffery. Don’t go there. Don’t do that,” she urged him.
He hesitated for his Christian girlfriend. He sat down. He waited for a few moments. Just then a car came down the road and turned into that house’s driveway. A family of four got out, ran up to the package on the porch, rejoiced with utterances, and took it and brought it into that house.
“Oh, good,” said Jaycee. “They got their package.”
“If I hadn’t listened to you, I would have gotten that package,” he said in anger at her. And he got up and went into his house. The date was ended.
The next day, the Forrest cheerleaders went on a walk together down the boulevard not far from home. Today they had decided to have “girls’ day out.” And their boyfriends had agreed for themselves to celebrate together “guys’ day out.” So Stacey and Jaycee began to talk girl stuff together. And their focus was on their unsaved boyfriends and their unsaved desires and thoughts and pursuits. And the Holy Spirit guided their words one to another into His good will as they talked. Jaycee said, “My boyfriend is thinking about starting a life of stealing.”
“My boyfriend is thinking about raising a family of twelve big dogs,” said Stacey.
Jaycee said, “It’s hard on us Christian girls to deal with these things that come up with our unsaved men.”
Stacey said, “I know what you mean. Why does your Proffery think that he has to start to steal now all of a sudden?”
“He has learned about porch pirates,” said Jaycee.
“Is that what he wants to steal—packages on people’s porches?” asked Stacey.
“Uh huh,” said Jaycee. “He wants to steal them and then to sell them for money somewhere.”
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The Forrest cheerleaders came to a real cannon from old war days in the grass of this boulevard.
“I read in the book Vanity Fair that Napoleon had a lot of cannons,” said Stacey. “But this one looks like it might be from World War I.”
Jaycee said, “This cannon has been here on this boulevard even before our time,”
Then Stacey said, “Does Proffery think that he will never get caught?”
“People like that do not think that they will ever get caught.” said Jaycee.
“He could go to jail if he becomes a porch pirate,” said Stacey.
“Yeah, but all that he thinks about is the almighty dollar.” said Jaycee.
“The dollar does not go so far as it used to,” said Stacey.
“He wants to become the richest man in the world,” said Jaycee.
“And he thinks to do that by robbing porches in the neighborhood?” asked Stacey.
“And to think that he has no interest in lotteries and casinos and race tracks,” said Jaycee.
“Even gambling is not so bad as stealing,” said Stacey.
“He says about becoming the Croesus that he wants to become, that he has to start out small to end up big,” said Jaycee.
“He definitely needs Jesus,” said Stacey.
“Your Flanders is just as caught up in his thing as my Proffery is in his thing,” said Jaycee.
“How does your boyfriend think that he will have room for twelve dogs?”
“He thinks that Collie dogs are gods,” said Stacey.
“Does he really?” asked Jaycee.
“He does,” said Stacey.
“It’s worse than I thought,” said Jaycee.
“Yeah. And it is getting even worse still,” said Stacey.
Then they saw in the grass of the boulevard a statue of a soldier with a hand grenade in his
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hand. Jaycee said, “That certainly looks like it is about World War I.”
“That looks like an American doughboy,” said Stacey. “Our country did not get into that war until near the end.”
“France and England and Germany were already in it for some years before America came into it,” said Jaycee.
“The United States had to break themselves away from their isolationist ideals of that time,” said Stacey.
“I don’t think that God wants me to continue dating Proffery,” said Jaycee.
“I know what you mean,” said Stacey. “And for myself, I don’t think that God approves of myself dating Flanders.”
“What are we saying?” asked Jaycee
“We know what we are saying,” said Stacey.
They both knew. Indeed their boyfriends were a lot of fun a lot of times. But the men were both unsaved. And the women were both saved. And dating does not work out when one is unsaved, and the other is saved.
Jaycee said, “We both know well what Pastor tells us about Christians dating non-Christians,”
“We do,” said Stacey. “He always says, ‘Dating leads to love. And love leads to marriage.’”
“And a marriage between a saved person and a lost person is against the will of God.” said Jaycee.
“I do not want to marry Flanders, and you do not want to marry Proffery,” said Stacey. “But if God sees problems with an unequal marriage, surely He sees problems also with an unequal dating relationship, too,” said Stacey.
“I know what you say,” said Jaycee. “For me Proffery makes life a lot of fun and a lot of excitement, even some sweet romance. But he is all wrong for me. And he can even maybe tempt me
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to do something real bad one of these days, and I could backslide on God if I take my eyes off of God.”
“Yeah! Yeah! I fear for myself falling into Flanders’s temptations as well,” said Stacey. “He could possibly convince me to do something real bad with him that would ruin my Christian testimony. I, too, could backslide because my lost boyfriend.”
“But should we try one last time to tell them about the Saviour of the world before we break up with them?” asked Jaycee.
“Do we dare tarry in separating ourselves from them?” asked Stacey.
The Forrest cheerleaders knew the will of the Lord. It was time now for them to act on God’s will. They had known already all along. God’s Word says to all of His born-again believers, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers.” They would tell their boyfriends right away.
There stood in the grass of the boulevard a marble monument reading the following:
“General John J. Pershing
Born: September 13, 1860. Died: July 15, 1948
“Black Jack”
Commander of the American Expeditionary Force in Europe.
American hero in World War I “
And as in Armistice day that day of November 11, 1918, this day in the summer of 1989 the Lord had
victory in the hearts of His two daughters the Forrest cheerleaders in what they had now decided to do with their wicked boyfriends who were attracted to them and to whom they were attracted.
Right away Stacey Forrest went to her desk drawer wherein were some sketches that she had bought at the Christian bookstore some years ago. There was always that drawing that she had wanted to share with Flanders and to try to get him to know that he was on the way to Hell for as long as he rejected Christ. She took that out and held it against herself in both arms and prayed once again for his soul. And she went right away to Flanders’s house. She had come to break up. She had come to win his soul.
Flanders took one look at her at his door, and he said, “Maybe we should quit seeing each other
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like this, Stacey.”
Why, he was breaking up with her!
Not giving up on his soul, she said, “I’ve brought a picture that I had to share with you, Flanders.”
“A picture?” he asked.
“A pencil picture,” she said.
“Well, then, come in then,” he said in unwelcome. They came into his dining room, and they sat down at his dining room table, him at one end, and her at the other end.
“Should we sit closer?” she asked.
“Not on our last date, Stacey,” he said.
She then set the picture upon the smooth brown wood of the tabletop and slid it over to him. He arranged it before him on the dining room table to take a good look at it. Therein he saw a bane of a place like none on Earth. Behold, a dark subterranean demesne of damnation itself. Therein were men and women on their hands and knees upon the dark cave’s floor, each with a huge boulder strapped to his or her back and with leather belts wrapped around the torso and securing the boulders thereupon. And all about the struggling men and women were winged creatures with demonic bodies and with demonic heads and with demonic faces. The damned men and women were exhausted beyond endurance, but they had to keep on crawling on their hands and knees. And the demons were laughing at them and gloating upon them and making fun of them. What overwhelming hard labor these people had to bear. What dread creatures who taunted them. It was verily doom. This was Hell. This was what awaited him were he to die without Christ as Saviour. He understood the Hell of this sketch. He began to tremble in his knees and in his elbows. Then his trembling spread to his ankles and his wrists. Then his trembling spread to his feet and his hands. He cried out, “I’m scared to death, Stacey!”
Then she said to him, “The real Hell is worse than this Hell, Flanders.”
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“Woe, what I have coming for me in Hell is…worse than this?” he cried out.
“Uh huh,” she said.
“What is worse than torments of exhaustion?” he asked.
And she told him, “Torments of fire, Flanders.”
“You mean as in hellfire and brimstone?” he asked in a terrified stammer.
“Yes, boyfriend,” she said to him. “The real Hell is all about fire.”
“I heard about the lake of fire,” he said, horrified at his eternal destiny that he had ahead of him.
“That lake of fire comes after Hell,” she said. “And the lake of fire is hotter even than Hell.”
“Oh, God, save me!” cried out Flanders to the Lord. “I don’t want to burn in fire forever!”
“God can use me to help you to stay out of Hell,” said Stacey Forrest. “That is if you wish to stay out of Hell.”
“Is the fear of Hell the right reason to seek the Saviour?” asked Flanders, his face hot with sweat of fear of so great damnation.
“The fear of Hell is a great reason to seek the Saviour,” said Stacey Forrest.
“Help me, Stacey! Help me, Jesus!” he called forth in dread of Hell and its burning fires.
She had no idea that this pencil drawing of a lesser and a fantasy Hell could have had so much conviction upon her boyfriend who had so unceasingly turned down her witnessing to him each and every time before. His scared face made her feel like she were cruel to him in convicting him of his destiny in Hell. There is no nice way to tell a lost person that he is going to Hell. But it is the most loving thing that a believer can say to an unbeliever. And the Holy Spirit comforted her and took away her guilt from her heart. And she now had a good hope that he find Christ now and never have to go down there to Hell anymore. And God told her in His still small voice, “Your good hope will become his so great salvation, My good daughter.”
And she went ahead and led Flanders Nickels line-by-line through the sinners’ prayer. This
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prayer was what they prayed together for him: “Dear God in Heaven: I am a sinner who loves dogs and who hates the true God. I have, as it says in Romans 1:25, ‘worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator.’ You are not this Lassie after all. That I know now. That I confess now. Of that I repent now. If You would, could You forgive me and clean me up and help me to start out new with You? I believe now that You sent Your only begotten Son to shed His blood and to die on the cross for me. And I believe now that He rose from the grave on the third day. And I believe that this Jesus of the Gospel is God Himself. I beg of You now, Christ, to save my soul and to prepare me a place in Heaven with You for forever and ever. Jesus saves. Jesus saves to the uttermost. Jesus saves from the fires of Hell. Thank You, Lord. In the name of the Son of God and of God the Son I pray. Amen.”
Behold, his agitation of shaking completely left him. His tongue was sure and no longer stammering. His face cooled back down to its original whiteness, and he quit sweating down his cheeks. His soul was saved now. He reached out his right hand to her. She took it in both of her hands. He put his left hand upon her two hands. He said, “Thank you, Stacey.”
“Thank you, Flanders,” she said.
“I probably should thank Jesus most of all. Shouldn’t I?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said, Then she said in glory to the Saviour, “Thank God!”
“Thank You, God,” prayed Flanders.
“How do you feel?” asked Stacey Forrest.
“I feel like I no longer want or need twelve Collie dogs running around the house and in the yard,” he said.
“That’s a good sign,” said Stacey.
“Here I had thought that the answer to life was a dog to love,” he said. “And all along the real answer to life is having a personal relationship with the Saviour Jesus Christ.”
“Now you know, Flanders,” said Stacey.
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“Now I know,” said Flanders.
“Having a Saviour to love and having a Saviour to love you is better than settling down with man’s best friend,” said the Forrest cheerleader in red.
“I will never think otherwise for the rest of my life,” promised Flanders.
“Ooo, Flanders. I think that I really like the new man in Christ in you,” praised Stacey.
“I repent of that old man of sin in myself,” he said.
“I have a new and wonderful faith in you in Christ, Flanders,” said Stacey.
“With Christ I have the power now to renounce my idols of dogs,” he declared to Miss Forrest.
“I believe you, Boyfriend,” said his girlfriend.
Just then a horn as of a little truck beeped from outside in the driveway. Then there came a knocking on the door. Then there came the sound of much barking. “Who’s that?” asked Flanders.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I don’t know, either,” he said.
The two came to the door of his house and opened it. Behold, a man in a uniform and with the man in a uniform a veritable pack of tri-color Collie dogs!
“Flanders!” exclaimed Stacey, grabbing his arm. She counted twelve Collies in all.
“Where did these come from?” asked Flanders.
The deliveryman said, “They were special-ordered for you by a man named Proffery Coins.”
“Your roommate, Flanders,” said Stacey Forrest.
“Take them away,” said Flanders in indignation and strong in the Lord. He had never asked his best friend to go and do something like this—even when he himself did wax most desirable for dogs.
The delivery man said, “He told me that these Collie dogs would make his roommate happy.”
“Now I have Jesus Christ to make me happy,” said Flanders. “Take them all away.”
In truth Stacey said to Flanders, “Maybe Proffery didn’t know what he was doing.”
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“That was before I got born again. Before I got born again this would have been the fruition of my life dream. But now that I am born again, this is all an inconvenience,” said Flanders. “He meant well.”
“He never knew that I would win your soul for Christ,” said Stacey.
“Sir, I don’t want any of them,” said Flanders.
And with this the deliveryman had the twelve big dogs all go back into his little truck, and he got in, and he drove away.
“My boyfriend-in-Christ the hero for God,” she said to Flanders.
“I did good. Didn’t I?” he said.
“I wonder if we could change our minds about breaking up,” she said.
“You have God. Now I have God,” he said. “Let’s change our minds and stay together—you and I, girl,” he said.
“Let’s stay together,” she said.
And they stayed together, but now as boyfriend-and-girlfriend-in-the-Lord. And, both being born-again believers, they now both had the Holy Spirit to enrich and strengthen and bond them together as a couple in Christ in ways that the Holy Spirit does not with unsaved couples.
This same day, Jaycee Forrest walked over to her boyfriend’s place to break up with him in the name of the Lord. Though her heart was torn, her spirit and her soul felt good doing God’s will. She knew indeed that there were lots of bad feelings that he had for her for her stands for Christ. And she knew that there were lots of bad feelings that she had for him for his ungodly ways of living. On her way there she stopped to think a conjecture to God in a silent prayer, saying to Him, “He might even go and break up with me before I can break up with him, O Lord.”
She got there, all ready to tell him her decision. He was in the grass of his front yard and looking at something on his lap with a magnifying glass. “What are you doing, Proffery?” she asked.
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He said, “I’m studying the intricate details of a one-dollar bill, Jaycee,” he told her.
“That sounds like fun,” she said.
“It is,” he said, Then he said, “By the way, I don’t want to go out with you anymore.”
She was right. And she replied, “I thought the same thing for us, too, Proffery. I kind of came here to have us call it quits, also.”
But then he said, “I’d bet that God wants you to try to get me saved one last time. Am I right?”
“It was my idea. It was God’s idea, too,” said Jaycee Forrest.
“Well, girl. I’m curious to hear what you have to say about Jesus one last time. Make it good, woman,” he said.
This was her last chance for the eternal good of her boyfriend Proffery. And she knew one way of witnessing to him that she had not yet tried. She would use four verses in the book of Mark that proved that Jesus was the Son of God, just as she had been trying to tell him for a long time. “Proffery,” she began, “who told you not to worship Jesus the Son of God?”
“Myself,” he said.
“Yourself and the Devil,” she said.
“Okay, myself and the Devil,” he confessed.
“If I show you in the Word of God where it does call my Jesus ‘the Son of God,’ would you believe?” she asked.
“Not once, girl. Not twice, girl, Not even thrice, girl,” he said in offense at this Jesus.
“How about four times, Proffery?” she asked.
“Not even four times already,” he vowed.
Uh oh. She knew of only four places in the book of Mark where Christ was called the “Son of God.” She gave a silent prayer, and God promised her that the fourth verse would be the charm. And the still small voice told her to save the third one in the Bible order for the fourth. She understood.
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“Well, Proffery. Okay, Lord. Here goes. Brace yourself, Boyfriend,” she said to him.
“Good luck, woman,” sighed the proud lost boyfriend.
And Jaycee Forrest began her work this day upon Proffery Coins: Opening her King James Bible, she sat down beside him and opened it to the book of Mark. She said, “Proffery, it is written, ‘The beginning of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.’ Mark 1:1.” Then she asked Proffery, “Who do you think here is calling Jesus ‘the Son of God?’”
“It looks like it is perhaps Mark himself,” said Proffery.
“It is Mark indeed,” she said.
“What does Mark know?” scoffed Proffery this Scripture.
Next, she turned a page and said this to Proffery, “It is written, ‘And there came a voice from heaven, saying, Thou art my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.’ Mark 1:11. What do you think that this verse is saying, O Proffery?”
“It looks like God is talking to His Son,” said Proffery.
“Indeed, Jesus had just been baptized, and God said this to Him,” said Jaycee.
“It was Jesus then to Whom God was speaking?” asked Proffery.
“Uh huh, Proffery,” she said. “God the Father was calling Jesus ‘the Son of God.’”
“Well, of course He would say something like that. God is partial,” said Proffery.
Steadfast in the Lord, Jaycee Forrest then went in her prescribed order, and passed over the third consecutive verse to save for last and to go right to the fourth consecutive verse third here with Proffery: She turned several pages to the end of this book of Mark, and she said, “Here, Proffery, it is written, ‘And when the centurion, which stood over against him, saw that he so cried out, and gave up the ghost, he said, Truly this man was the Son of God.’ Mark15:39.”
“This fellow looks to have been right there when it happened,” said Proffery.
“Jesus just got done dying for the sins of the world, Proffery,” said Jaycee. “Christ died on the
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cross of Calvary.”
“He would know,” said Proffery about this centurion. “He saw it happen.”
“So who was it this time who called Jesus ‘the Son of God?’” asked Jaycee.
“A Roman soldier,” said Proffery.
“Do you believe his words?” asked Jaycee.
Proffery hesitated. He looked for answers. He said, “How could he tell if the man who died were really this real Son of God or not?”
Now it was time. The verse that God had for Jaycee to save for last were now hers to tell her boyfriend. She turned several pages back and she said, “Hereby it is written, Proffery, ‘And unclean spirits, when they saw him, fell down before him, and cried, saying, Thou art the Son of God.’ Mark 3:11.
“Unclean spirits are now calling Jesus ‘the Son of God,’” he said in lack of Bible understanding.
“What do you say to that?” asked Jaycee.
“I don’t know what unclean spirits are,” he said in truth.
“These are also called ‘demons,’” she said.
“You mean ‘demons’ as in ‘the Devil’s minions?’” he asked, in great awakening.
“Yes, Proffery,” said Jaycee Forrest. “Demons of the Devil.”
“Why, Jaycee, that’s just like the Devil is the one who is calling Jesus ‘the Son of God!’” he exclaimed. Great edification of spiritual matters began to dawn upon Proffery now. “I thought that the Devil had told me not to acknowledge Jesus as Son of God. And now here His demons are acknowledging Jesus as Son of God.”
“Are you coming to believe now, Proffery?” she asked him.
“The Devil and his demons are going to Hell. Where am I going? Will I be with them down
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there when I go?” asked Proffery, convicted of his many sins and of his own eternal doom as a sinner.
Eternal truths began to dawn now finally in this lost man’s heart.
In silent prayer, Jaycee remembered with God her boyfriend’s words of just a moment ago: “Not even four times already.” Well, here it was that fourth time with one of her verses this day from the book of Mark, and he was conquered by the lady and her Saviour and the Word of God.
“You’re ready for Christ now. Aren’t you, Proffery?” she asked.
Humbled before girlfriend and her Saviour, he silently nodded his head in a, “Yes.”
And she led him through this sinners’ prayer, line-by-line: “Dear God the Father: I made money a false God. Money is a good thing. A person can do good things with money. And it can provide a person with a means to make for himself a comfortable life. But I loved money more than I loved you. And that sin is the root of all evil. I was so wrong. And I ask You to forgive me and to make me clean and to help me to repent of my love of money. I understand now that the Son of God willingly shed His blood and willingly died for my sins on the cross, with spikes driven through His hands and through His feet. And I now can say with truth and faith that the Son of God rose again from the dead in His glorious Easter miracle of resurrection. Please become my Saviour now just as You have already become my girlfriend’s Saviour long ago. And give me eternal life in Heaven. In Your name as the true and real and living Son of God I do pray this. Amen.”
He looked up from his prayer for salvation. The magnifying glass was upon the short green grass to his left. His one-dollar bill that he had been “making love to” earlier today was upon the short green grass to his right. Just then a strong gust of wind from the Lord came upon them where they sat. And the magnifying glass did not budge. But the one-dollar bill was lifted up into the air above Proffery’s head where he sat. He did not reach up to grab it. Then the wind carried it away to let if fall upon the edge of his front yard just before the street. He did not stand up. Then the wind picked it up again and did blow it away across the street and on beyond, never to come back for Proffery. But
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Proffery never chased after it. Instead, he stayed there with his girlfriend and said, “It’s only money, Jaycee.”
Proffery Rule Coins had not only just now gotten saved by praying to God, but, also, with that salvation, God had given him the Holy Spirit to repent of his old love of much money. And this happening now in the wind convinced Jaycee Forrest that this fellow was now a born-again Christian living for Christ. They could get back to dating each other again now after their having conceded to breaking up earlier this day. She was now no longer “unequally yoked together” with Proffery now that he was a believer like herself. He understood this Bible command, too, now that he was saved.
And he asked her, “Jaycee, would you take back a boyfriend who has finally come to Christ?”
“I surely would, handsome fellow!” she said. “Would you take back a girlfriend who has now won your soul for Jesus?”
“Yes! Yes!” he said in fervor.
The Forrest twin cheerleaders were with their boyfriends-in-Christ at the cheerleaders’ place. Jaycee and Stacey were putting on a cheerleader show for the two men. And they were shaking their pom poms with that sensual sound of swishing—Stacey, her red pom poms; and Jaycee, her yellow pom poms. Today’s double-date was taking place in the third floor romp room.
“Shake those pom poms, girl!” called forth Flanders.
“Shake those pleats about!” called forth Proffery.
“Shake those hips!” called forth Flanders.
“Kick up some leg!” called forth Proffery.
“Our boyfriends are really enjoying this, Big Sister,” said Jaycee.
“And so are we, Little Sister,” said Stacey.
“Hop!” called forth Flanders.
“Skip!” called forth Proffery.
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“Prance!” called forth Flanders.
“Dance!” called forth Proffery.
“They love our cheer leading, Jaycee,” said Stacey.
“We love it, too, Stacey,” said Jaycee.
“Chant!” called forth Flanders.
“Sing!” called forth Proffery.
“Cant!” called forth Flanders.
“Cheer!” called forth Proffery.
“You men want us Forrest cheerleaders to cheer a cheer,” said Stacey.
“We will cheer you a cheer,” said Jaycee.
And Stacey went on to cheer her very own boyfriend in cheer song:
“Boyfriend, boyfriend, what do you want?
What do you want? Boyfriend! What do you want?
A kiss and a hug! A kiss and a hug!
Uh oh uh oh! Uh oh uh oh!”
“Let’s get it on!” said Flanders. And she ran up to him, and they hugged first long and hard.
And they kissed second quickly and neatly.
“Whoa!” said Flanders.
“Whooo!” said Stacey.
Then Jaycee went on to please her boyfriend with a chant of cheer of her own for him:
“Handsome fellow who likes his cheerleader.
Cute guy who likes my cheer leading.
Attractive boyfriend who likes my cheerleader uniform.
Let me show it all off to my man right now.”
And Proffery understood what she meant. And he slapped his palm upon his lap for her in invitation. And she accepted the invitation, and she came up to him and sat upon his lap sideways where he sat. And she wrapped her arms around his neck. And he wrapped his arms around her neck.
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And they gave each other a sweet little kiss.
Then Flanders said, “Time off from work is a lot of fun with a cheerleader as girlfriend.”
And Proffery said also, “And time at work, too.” He meant being at his cheerleader’s workplace.
Just then then there came a knocking at the door two floors down. The four at once left the romp room and went downstairs and opened the door. Here stood the two men who worked with the Forrest cheerleaders of Funhouse. One was a larger fellow. The other was a smaller fellow.
“Hi, Boss,” said Stacey to the smaller man.
“Hi, Tiny,” said Jaycee to the bigger man.
“Hi, guys and girls,” said the smaller man.
“Hi, all,” said Tiny.
Here was J. D. Roth and Tiny, the host and the assistant to the game show “Funhouse,” of which the Forrest twin cheerleaders were an integral part.
“What brings you two here?” asked Jaycee.
Tiny and J. D. looked at each other. Tiny asked J. D., “What do we say?”
“Is it bad news?” asked Stacey.
And J. D. said, “They’re not renewing our show for next year, Stacey, Jaycee, Flanders, Proffery.”
“Our show is done?” asked Stacey.
“It will be canceled within a month,” said J. D. “I’m sorry.”
“Guys, we’ll miss you,” said Jaycee.
“And we will miss you,” said Tiny.
“Were the ratings not good enough?” asked Stacey.
“Yeah,” said J. D. “Not enough people were watching our show.”
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Flanders and Proffery looked at the Forrest girlfriends, and they asked, “What are you two going to do?”
The twin Forrest cheerleaders did not know what to say.
J.D. Roth also went on to say, “And we were always kind of afraid that one of these days one of the kids might end up getting hurt going through our Funhouse obstacle course.”
Jaycee said, “Do we two gals get to keep our cheerleader uniforms?”
Stacey said, “We and our boyfriends love our cheerleader uniforms.”
Tiny ventured, “I would think so.”
And J. D. Roth said, “Definitely, girls. You can keep your trademark cheerleader outfits.”
“Roommate, we can no longer see our Forrest girlfriends on TV,” said Flanders.
“We can forever still get to see them not on TV on all of our dates,” said Proffery.
“As we are,” said the cheerleader in yellow.
“Just like now,” said the cheerleader in red.
Then J. D. Roth and Tiny talked with the two alone for a while. Then Tiny said, “Well, that’s it.”
And J. D. said, “It’s all done.”
And the Forrest cheerleaders hugged a farewell with good J. D. Roth and good Tiny.
And they all here said, “Good-bye” one to another among the six.
Yet the twin Forrest cheerleaders and their newly-saved boyfriends continued seamlessly on with their special romance and fellowship together as boyfriends-and-girlfriends-in-the-Lord-Jesus.
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