Surreal the Gal and Flanders the Guy are boyfriend-and-girlfriend-in-Christ. Both are new converts and still carnal in their walk with Christ. God told Surreal to give out tracts. But she got punched by a giantess of a woman when she tried to give her a salvation tract, and she refused to give out any more tracts for God after that. God told Flanders to slay dragons. But Flanders slew a wyvern instead and was remorseful at having killed. And he told God that he would never slay a dragon as he had the wyvern. The Lord has to chasten them for their disobedience. Will they submit to the will of God after they lost their blessings?
THE GAL AND HER GUY
By Mr. Morgan P. McCarthy
Surreal the Gal, new to this good Baptist church, was out with the women of the church, giving out tracts at the park. Surreal was a born-again Christian for just a few months. And she was a babe in Christ. So glad it was for her to be voted into church membership by all of the men and women of this good little Baptist flock; she was the newest member of a flock that numbered not quite a hundred. And so glad was she to be doing such a think like this for her first time as a believer. Emmy, Pastor’s wife, was in charge of these ladies with her today at this park. Each lady, including Surreal, had a packet of twenty-five tracts to give out as the Lord led them. Surreal, the new convert, asked Emmy, “What should I say to someone when I hold out this salvation tract to him?”
Emmy said, “Just say to him, ‘Hi. We’re from Lighthouse Baptist Church, giving out tracts today to folk.’ Or maybe you could say, ‘I would like to give this booklet to you. It tells how one can get to Heaven.’ Or maybe you could say, ‘Jesus died for us and rose again the third day. This pamphlet tells all about it.’”
“I can do that,” said Surreal the Gal with hope and humbleness and desire.
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“As Pastor has it so with the men who go out calling, so has he it also for us women who go out calling—we go out two by two,” said Emmy. “I will be your visitation partner this day, if you would like that, Surreal.”
“I’d be honored to be your visitation partner, O Emmy,” said Surreal the Gal.
“Are you glad that you prayed at church that day and accepted the Lord Jesus as your personal Saviour?” asked Emmy.
“Oh, I am. I surely am, O Emmy,” said Surreal the Gal. “Because of that I don’t have to worry anymore about going down to Hell. All who get saved like I did get to go to Heaven instead when they die.”
“Jesus saves,” said Emmy. “You no longer have to be afraid of dying.”
“Mom always said, ‘If you want to go to Heaven, first you have to die,’” said Surreal the Gal.
“Your mom was not one hundred percent right. We Christians may well be alive when the rapture of the church takes place, and when that happens, we Christians are snatched up to Heaven without having to die first,” taught Emmy.
“I sure hope I get to Heaven that way and not the way that Mom talked about,” said Surreal the Gal. “Even though I know that when I die I do get to be in Heaven with Jesus, I am still afraid of death anyway, Emmy.”
Seeking to comfort the new convert, Emmy said, “Take heart, good Surreal. For a Christian, when he or she dies, it is like going to sleep and waking up in Heaven.”
In uncertainty, Surreal the Gal said, “The sleep of death. Scary stuff nonetheless, Emmy.”
“Here comes a soul that Jesus died for, Surreal. Would you like me to take this one?” asked Pastor’s wife. A true giantess of a woman was coming up to them.
“Could I try this one?” asked Surreal, unsure but faithful.
“I will be with you right here at your side to help you,” said Emmy.
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“My first one. Here goes,” said Surreal. This brute of a woman who was walking toward them had a scowl upon her whole face and curses coming out of her mouth under her breath and boots that were stomping angry divots upon the nice green lawn of park.
Surreal proffered a salvation tract to this ferocious woman, and she said to her, “This booklet will tell you how to stay out of Hell.”
All of a sudden something big and hard crashed up into the underside of her chin. She thought to have seen it coming. It smashed her lower jaw up against her upper jaw. She heard the collision inside her head. And after that everything went dark.
Where Surreal the Gal lay, the beast of a woman spit down upon her, stomped upon the tract that was still in her hand upon the ground, and cursed her God. Emmy at once summoned all the women of the soul-winning team with a whistle from her lips. And she and the many ladies in Holy Spirit unity marched in upon the fierce woman and drove her back en masse all the way back out of the park until she gave up and ran off. The church clerk said, “I know that animal. Her name is Slugger. She is a public menace to men and women alike. She punches anybody who gets in her way.”
Emmy said, “Let us go back and pray for Surreal.” And the Baptist women gathered around the supine Surreal and prayed in prayer meeting for her.
Then Surreal stirred where she lay, opened her eyes, and moved her head. “What happened? Why am I down here? Why is everybody standing around me?” she asked.
“She hauled off and punched you,” said Emmy, “the bruiser woman whom you dared to warn about Hell.”
“I was unconscious?” asked Surreal.
“You were knocked out, brave girl,” said Emmy.
“Why, it is like I was dead down here,” said Surreal in quaking.
“You’re going to be all right,” said Emmy.
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“It was darkness of death,” said Surreal about her experience just now.
“You’re okay now, girl,” said Emmy.
“I was dead. I was dead,” said Surreal, carried into a lie of the devil in her own fear of real death.
And she vowed to herself in her heart never to give out tracts again. She saw the tract that was meant for the bad woman lying upon the ground at her side, next to her crushed hand. And, leaving it there, she got up, said nothing, and walked away from the group, vowing never to come to this park again. And Surreal the Gal was trembling in her knees. Now she was really afraid of death.
This gal had a guy. He was her boyfriend-in-the-Lord. And he also was a babe in Christ. His name was “Flanders the Guy.” God had told Flanders the Guy to slay dragons for Him with a weapon that He had to give him. Flanders did not dwell upon death and dying, and he thought to obey God and go buy a musket to hunt wyvern. But in doing this, he truly disobeyed God twice over. Flanders told God “Wyvern makes better meat than dragons, and they are easier to slay than dragons.” But God had chosen Flanders the Guy as a dragon-slayer. And Flanders’s transgression caused him to stumble in his walk with Christ that first day of hunting for him. With his hunting musket, he saw his target high up in the air above the field where he was standing. It was a real wyvern, and Flanders was ready for the kill. This prey was gliding down to the earth in a spiral, its wide wings spread out, and its face comfortable and contented. Flanders could see a coyote carcass in its mouth. And Flanders the Guy aimed, prayed, and fired his musket. The wyvern let out a screech, and the coyote fell out of its mouth down to the ground, and the wyvern crashed down to the ground right after. “Amen?” Flanders asked himself. “Amen!” Flanders said to the Lord. And he ran quickly up to see the dead wyvern body only a
hundred feet away in this same field. Behold, seven little wyvern standing before the fallen wyvern!
Flanders’s mouth fell open in shock. This was a mom Wyvern coming home with food for her little ones. “She’s not dead. Is she?” Flanders prayed in remorse at what he had just done. God did not
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answer him. But the little wyvern began to give off a most mournful wail as they came up to their mom. They began to cry. So, too, did Flanders the Guy. Then he noticed a pool of blood coming out of the mom wyvern’s heart where it lay. And he almost fainted at the horrible thing he had done in his zeal to kill for sport and food. He saw the coyote that the mother had brought home to its little ones. And he came up to it, and he dragged it up to where the little ones were. They were hungry. They at once began to eat. He fell upon his knees and would not look up to Heaven, and he prayed, “Lord, you called me to slay dragon demons, and I have killed an innocent wyvern mom.” He was unworthy as a child of God. He vowed to God with his troubled feelings, “I shall never kill again!” And Flanders found a fear in killing that which God did not want killed. But he also found a fear in killing demons that God wanted him to kill. All mixed up and confused with this musket still in his hands, Flanders asked God, “Lord, what should I do right now?”
And God said, “Throw down that musket.” Flanders threw down the musket. God then told him, “Forget the past and go on for me into the future.”
Flanders said to God, “I shall do that, Lord.”
Then God told him, “I want you to go and buy a little cannon right now.”
In complete obedience now, Flanders the Guy asked, “Lord, what is a cannon, and where shall I go to find it?”
“I will lead, and you will follow,” commanded God. “And I will teach you what a cannon is.”
“Am I to slay dragons with it?” asked Flanders.
“You are to slay dragons with it,” said God.
And right away Flanders the Guy began a walk to a strange and far away place into the middle of a great woods. And he came to a little shop with a sign that read “Canon’s Cannons.”
Flanders said to himself, “Who is this ‘Canon?’ And what is a ‘cannon?’”
Just then an old man all bent over and with his glasses fallen toward the end of his nose opened
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the door of this shop and called out. “That is I, young man from God.”
“Your name is ‘Canon,’ sir?” asked Flanders the Guy.
“’Mr. Canon,’” this merchant corrected Flanders.
“May I ask you what a ‘cannon’ is, Mr. Canon?” asked Flanders.
“Why, that is all of these,” he said to Flanders, opening his store door wide all the way and pointing his hand to the shop’s interior.
Therein did Flanders the Guy see all manner of huge guns on huge wheels.
“What do they do?” asked Flanders in awe.
“They shoot big steel balls,” said the merchant.
“Why one of those could kill a dragon!” exclaimed Flanders in spontaneous reference to the biggest of beasts.
“Which is why you have come, young soldier for Christ,” said the cannon seller.
“Oh yes,” said Flanders. “God brought me here to buy a cannon for just that reason.”
“I would think that this little one back here would be one that God would be pleased to have you use in your ministry for Him,” said Mr. Canon.
“I have to tell you the truth, Mr. Canon,” said Flanders. “I did come to buy a cannon, but I do not plan on actually killing dragons with them.”
“Did you plan on taking on dragons with a sword, young man?” asked the shop keeper.
“I don’t know how to use this weapon,” said Flanders.
“I will teach you,” said Mr. Canon.
“I really mean that I am too afraid to kill,” said Flanders.
“Demons are not fit to live, my son,” said the cannon seller. “If God tells you to slay demons with a cannon, you best go and slay demons with a cannon.”
“I have never seen such a weapon before as this,” said Flanders.
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“It is the new thing of this day in wars between men and nations,” said Mr. Canon.
Flanders took a good long look at this little cannon. Its heavy wheels looked to be two feet in diameter. Its barrel looked to be three feet long. The bore looked to be three inches in diameter. And a sturdy lanyard was attached to the back of the barrel. “Is this the one that God wills for me, sir?” asked Flanders the Guy.
“It is, at that, young man of God,” said the cannon shop proprietor.
“I’ll take it,” said Flanders the Guy.
And Flanders bought himself his cannon with which God had called him to slay dragons. And Mr. Canon went on to teach Flanders the Guy all about how to fire a cannon.
A few days later, the gal and her guy went on another date in his den where all of his books were in a beautiful room of wood. Flanders began their special fellowship activity called “Pass The Praise.” He said to Surreal, “I praise God for His mercy. His mercy withholds from us in our lives bad things that we should have happen to us. His mercy keeps us born-again believers from going to Hell and burning in fire. It is written in Psalm 136 in all twenty-six of its verses, ‘for his mercy endureth for ever.’”
“In Job 11:6, God’s Word says about this same mercy, ‘Know therefore that God exacteth of thee less than thine iniquity deserveth,’” recited Surreal the Gal.
“I pass the praise to you, Surreal,” said Flanders.
“I must go on and praise our Lord Jesus for His grace,” said Surreal. “It is the grace of God that gives us believers good things that we do not deserve. Our future eternity in Heaven with Him is God’s grace at its greatest. Some Christians define ‘g-r-a-c-e,’ as ‘God’s Riches At Christ’s Expense.’”
“It is written about God’s grace in II Corinthians 8:9, ‘For ye know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that, though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, that ye through his poverty might be rich,’” quoted Flanders the Guy. “Again it is written in II Corinthians 9:8, “And God is able to
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make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work:’”
“Great Bible verses, Flanders,” said Surreal the Gal. “I now pass the praise to you.”
“I praise the Lord for His patience, both in my life before Christ and in my life with Christ,” said Flanders the Guy. “If he had not been so long-suffering with me in all the ways I made Him mad at me in my old man of sin, He could have struck me dead and made the world a more holy place without me in it anymore.” He went on to say, “Even now when I keep forgetting to pause and thank Him for my meals, He still bears with me and does not say too much when I finally remember to thank Him after my meal is all done already.”
“God is patient with me when I am at work and supposed to be busy glorifying Him and working hard, but instead find myself talking with the other workers and becoming idle at the job site,” said Surreal the Gal. “He is patient with my lack of focus at work.” She then went on to say, “And, oh, how patient He was with me when I was still a child of the Devil and lost my patience with old people at work, elderly customers who could not hear well and who could not speak well and who could not move very fast. He could have turned me into an old woman like he turned Miriam leprous in Numbers chapter twelve when she rebelled against Moses. But he was longsuffering with me, and now I am saved and patient now with older people.”
“I pass the praise to you, Surreal,” said Flanders.
“I praise my Saviour for His eternal perspective,” said Surreal the Gal. “To God Almighty, the past and present and future are all the same to Him. In II Peter 3:8, it is written, ‘But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.’ God knows the future in His omniscience. He knows who will win the next Super Bowl.
We people do not know who will win the next Super Bowl. So people go and bet on the game. And we do not know who wins the big game until it is all done. We people can only see things in our
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temporal perspective. God’s perspective is an infinite perspective. And because of that, we born-again Christians must trust God to lead us in our lives as we walk in Christ to our futures daily. He knows the good things and the bad things that await us, and we do not. Only trust Him,” she said.
“That great hymn called, ‘Only Trust Him,’” said Flanders the Guy.
“I pass the praise to you again, my guy,” said Surreal.
“I praise the Lord for His goodness,” said Flanders. “Grandma used to pray at the dinner table, ‘God is good, and God is great.’” said Flanders. “And I praise God for His greatness, too. Psalm 145:3, O Surreal my gal: ‘Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised; and his greatness is unsearchable.’”
“No fair, boyfriend. You gave yourself to say two praises in a row. We are supposed to take turns,” teased Surreal the Gal.
“I now pass two praises to you,” he acquiesced to his gal.
“I praise God that He is everywhere and that He sees everything,” said Surreal two praises.
“Our Lord is omnipresent,”
She looked down upon the table and saw a salvation tract of Flanders here at his house, the kind that he gave out with the men at their Baptist church on door-to-door visitation on Thursday nights.
She remembered that day that she started to give these out, was persecuted by an aggressive giantess, and refused to give any more out again ever since then. God was there at the park that day she vowed never to go to the parks again. And God could see this tract before her now that convicted her of her sins of not sharing the Gospel anymore. And she dared say no more praise because of her sin of omission and because of her guilt right now as she looked upon this salvation tract from the church.
Flanders the Guy was convicted of his sins now, also, from this praise that his gal had just given to their Jesus. It was right there in the corner of his room—that little cannon that was sitting idle in the corner and telling him to start serving the holy God with it. God saw the same cannon that he was
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seeing. And God had been there at the little shop when he saw the cannon and said to the merchant, “I will not use this cannon to kill.”
Indeed the gal and her guy were tempting God to chasten them. The Lord does not let His children go astray from His will too long before He has to rebuke them. And God might soon have to chastise this gal and this guy for their transgressions. If Satan becomes angry at a child of God, that child of God still has God Almighty to protect him from Satan. But if God becomes angry at a child of God, who can keep God Almighty from so great punishment upon that same child of God? Surely not even Satan in his strength as a fallen angel.
In this world of the gal and her guy, reindeer were most beloved of God’s creatures below mankind. Like mankind, all the other land animals including reindeer were created on the sixth day of creation. But, unlike the other land animals, reindeer were created by God to speak and to teach the Word of God in man’s languages throughout the world. Reindeer preached the Gospel to any whom they might meet everywhere they did go. In the book of Acts, in the early days of the church before the canon of Scripture was completed, God temporarily used sign-gifts to help spread His Word. One of these was called “speaking in tongues.” And in speaking in tongues, men spoke real known languages of foreign lands to strangers in the holy land. These tongues were not by any means language of angels or gibbering of nonsensical words or one’s one inventions of vernacular. These tongues were genuine and legitimate foreign languages spoken by God’s people by way of Holy Ghost wisdom in order to witness to those who knew these foreign languages. When the Bible was completed in its canon, God quit using sign gifts; and that meant also that He quit using men to speak in tongues. But the reindeer of these current days did still speak in tongues, speaking foreign language Bible verses to mankind searching for the truth throughout all countries and kingdoms.
Though reindeer were duly and truly beloved of God, because of that very fact, the Devil sought to corrupt the reindeer just as he had mankind in the Garden of Eden. And he went to and fro in the
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earth and walked up and down in it to tempt and to deceive and to cause the reindeer to doubt God’s Word. And he had a special group of demons to whom he did assign as their task to cause all reindeer to fall into sin. But God looked down from Heaven and kept Satan and his demons out of the seas and out of the lands of the earth. But God did allow the Devil and his fallen angels in unto the two poles of His Earth. And the Great Deceiver went to work upon these reindeer of the North Pole and of the South Pole.
In the North Pole, the Liar and the Father of Lies told the reindeer that there was a Santa Claus who lived here and who gave toys to good little boys and girls throughout all the homes of the world on Christmas. This Santa was a big elf in a red suit and with a big white beard and mustache. The Devil said that this Santa Claus knew if the children had been good or had been bad, and that that would determine if they got toys or not. And this Santa was said to have elves who worked all year at his shop to make these very many toys. Satan said, “Santa has nine reindeer who carry him and his great sleigh full of presents in the skies to every house in the world on Christmas Eve.” And the Devil said that these nine reindeers’ names were “Dasher” and “Dancer” and “Prancer” and “Vixen” and “Comet” and “Cupid” and “Donner” and “Blitzen” and “Rudolph.” And the Devil said that Santa lighted upon the roof every house of the world in his reindeer-driven sleigh all in one night, and he went down into the house through the chimney, and he came out of the fireplace, and he did put toys under the Christmas tree when everyone in the house was asleep. This was the false god who ended up stealing Christmas away from the First Coming of Christ in the hearts of all the world. And at once the reindeer who were ordained of God to spread the Word of God in the North Pole came to believe instead in this Santa Claus of the Devil. And they forgot the First Advent of Christ, of which Christmas was supposed to commemorate. And they lost their gift of speech. And they became mute. And they became the “reindeer gone dumb.” And these reindeer gone dumb here in the North Pole could no longer quote any more Bible verses in any language at all again. They could now speak only the animal language of
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one such as a white-tailed deer. Satan had the victory over the reindeer of the Arctic.
As for the reindeer of the South Pole, the Devil worked his wiles on them as he had Eve in the Garden of Eden–Earth’s paradise of the first dispensation. The good reindeer of the Antarctic by nature always went around saying the words, “Thus saith the Lord!” as they preached and taught all around them the good Word of God. But the Devil sent his demons en masse down to this South Pole, and these demons began to say to all of these Bible reindeer, “Yea, hath God said?” The reindeer’s four words of faith were being continuously challenged the Devil’s four words of doubt. And the South Pole reindeer were beginning to doubt the Bible that they were meant to recite to all people down there. And the reindeer began to believe the demons and to disbelieve the Good Lord. And they began to think that maybe they should disobey God now all of a sudden. And when God told them to recite such and such a Bible verse to this person, the reindeer began to tell God, “No.” And God was angry at His South Pole reindeer. He awaited them to repent. They would not. And in the end they would have no more to do with their Good Maker. And God the sovereign One, smote them with madness—every last fallen reindeer of the South Pole. And they became the “reindeer gone bad.” And these reindeer gone bad went around goring people and animals and trees with their horns and trampling men and women and children with their hooves and crying out, “Curse to you and yours!” They had run amok. And they were like rabid animals without their right mind. They were now bad reindeer. And they were no longer wise in the Scriptures. The Devil had the victory in the Antarctic continent over the reindeer.
Surreal the Gal and her guy were at another date at her place, and they were sharing sweet fellowship again in another prayer meeting in her front yard just the two of them in the Lord. Flanders, having gone first, had just finished his verbal prayer with his gal. As all of his prayers, this prayer today was dynamic and living and very spirited. It was joy once again for Surreal just to have listened to it. Now it was her turn to pray out loud where they sat in the field grass. She began to pray just as she had always prayed—just like Flanders’s prayers—with words from all of her heart and soul and
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spirit. The joy of prayer filled her up with ever-present delights. This was why Surreal the Gal referred to praying as “my first-in-command means of worship.” And everything was going great for the gal here in prayer meeting at home with her guy from Christ. Then a cloud came between her and the sun. She looked up to see the cloud. It was dark. It was black. Death was dark. Death was black. This cloud between her down here and her Heavenly Father Up There brought death suddenly to her prayer.
Her words no longer reached up to God’s throne. Her words came no higher than the cloud. If she were in her room, one could say that her prayer words reached no higher than her ceiling. What happened? This kind of thing had never happened before to any of her prayers. She struggled with her
words to God. She waxed silent. She became embarrassed in this time of turbulent quietness. She was well able to speak, but she seemed now to have nothing to say to God. And after five tumultuous minutes of this brand new thing, she spoke and said, “I’m sorry, Flanders. I cannot seem to pray anymore.” The cloud went away, and the sun came back; but her prayer was killed. And she put her hands to the sides of her head in utter perplexity and squeezed them hard into her head in great dismay.
God had taken away His hand of blessing upon the prayer life of Surreal the Gal, to punish her for not giving out tracts anymore. It is written, “But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that he will not hear.” Isaiah 59:2.
Flanders the Guy said to her, “I’ll pray for you, O Surreal.” And he went on to pray an extra prayer for the day, of great fervency and effectual entreaty on her behalf, his prayer unharmed by any cloud or personal sin as hers was. And yet for her now even hearing her guy pray did not have any joy in it anymore. Things were forever different now for Surreal the Gal. And her prayer life was not going to get any better for her for now on. And she was still afraid of death from this life.
And when Flanders the Guy finished his special prayer just for her, she said, “Let’s get out of here.” And their date in this field grass for the day ended abruptly.
That early evening in his backyard alone with God in quiet time, Flanders the Guy was busy
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reading his King James Bible. He came upon his special verse Jeremiah 15:16 all about what he was doing now in his Bible study, and he read its words out loud to savor them in his ears: “Thy words were found, and I did eat them; and thy word was unto me the joy and rejoicing of mine heart: for I am called by thy name, O Lord God of hosts.” To Flanders, “all of the verses of the Holy Bible” were like his favorite verses. There were no boring Words in the Good Book. All were inspired. And truly he did always refer to his Bible study, as Surreal the Gal so knew, as “my first love means of worship.” The Bible had been Flanders’s first love all the months that he was a born-again believer. And he was in the midst of another good day with God and His Word out back here in the apple orchard.
Just then a shadow passed by overhead, the shadow of a great beast of the air. Flanders looked up and saw a winged saurian of some type traveling slowly from one horizon onto the other horizon.
It was a wyvern, and Flanders the Guy relived his own horror of having once slain a wyvern and how all of that life’s blood had poured out onto the ground around it. He turned away from the well wyvern in the sky now. And he would not look up again. He went back to his book of Jeremiah. Then a bigger shadow in the sky passed by above. He hesitated, but looked up at it anyway. Behold, a dragon sent by the Devil to go and do evil upon an innocent person out there somewhere. And as Flanders the Guy watched, the dragon continued on his flight, leaving Flanders alone for now. This was the species of animal that Flanders was supposed to slay in his ministry for God. And he shook his head in a “nay” toward God. He would not kill demons for Jesus. And Flanders turned back to the book of Jeremiah, and he once again sought satisfaction and fulfillment therefrom today. But thoughts of killing with his little cannon now kept distracting him from his Bible study. And his duty as dragon-slayer wrestled inside of him with his privilege of Bible-reading. And his day’s Bible session was suffering for it.
And Flanders the Guy was for his first time in his walk with Christ seeing an actual Bible study fall upon a crash because of disturbing thoughts. And in the end, he could not read another word from the Good Book. And in a huff, he slammed shut his Holy Bible and shook his head in consternation.
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He could no longer find his contentment in the King James Bible. Sin had taken that away from him.
He was reaping the harvest of the sin he had sown in refusing to live a life of battle as God had willed him to do. The still small voice of the Holy Spirit said to Flanders the Guy, “It is written, my wayward son, ‘Your iniquities have turned away these things, and your sins have withholden good things from you.’ Jeremiah 5:25.”
And Flanders said, “I’ve got to get out of here,” And he grabbed up his Bible and ran into the apartment and brooded.
Reader, it is said that God works in mysterious ways. And God’s ways are most cogent and convicting and convincing. It is written in Isaiah 40:12-14 all about God in His ways as Sovereign over all creation, “Who hath measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, and meted out heaven with the span, and comprehended the dust of the earth in a measure, and weighed the mountains in scales, and the hills in a balance? Who hath directed the Spirit of the Lord, or being his counsellor hath taught him? With whom took he counsel, and who instructed him, and taught him in the path of judgment, and taught him knowledge, and shewed to him the way of understanding?”
Her prayer life abandoned now for a whole week, Surreal the Gal rallied above her fears of death and dying and asked if she could come out soul-winning at the parks with faithful Emmy and the ladies of Lighthouse Baptist Church again. And they all said, “Yes!” to her with open arms and compassionate hearts. And here she was at a park with a pack of salvation tracts and a little Bible in her hands. And Emmy promised her, “Nobody is going to hurt you this day, O Surreal.”
And brave Surreal said in the Lord, “If I do die, I go to Heaven.”
“Amen, woman!” said Emmy.
“God is so much a God of second chances, that it would be just like Him to send my way today that same great big woman who went and slugged me in the face,” said Surreal the Gal in some seriousness and some facetiousness.
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Behold! Slugger riding around this park on the back of a reindeer! And this reindeer and the woman who had socked Surreal out cold stopped in front of Surreal. But the Christian gal was not afraid. This brute could not kill her. Her own time was in God’s hands. And she would not die before her time with God as her Saviour. Slugger needed Jesus. Surreal was the woman whom God ordained to witness to this giantess. The gal would give the woman a tract. And Surreal proffered Slugger this tract and did say once again, “This tells you how to stay out of Hell.”
“I ought to punch your lights out,” snarled Slugger. Yet she still went ahead and did grab this holy booklet out of Surreal’s hands.
This only served to make Surreal herself a little more sassy. The gal looked repeatedly from rider to reindeer. And Surreal the Gal asked Slugger, “What’s a girl like you riding a reindeer like this?” Indeed it was a contradiction that a sinner like this brute would be on the back of a holy animal like this reindeer.
“Little woman,” called down Slugger from up there on the back of the reindeer, “don’t make me have to come down and hurt you.”
Not scared anymore, Surreal the Gal turned to address the reindeer, “Surely you must have told her all about the Gospel.” She waited, and the reindeer did not speak a word. Surreal said to the reindeer, “What are you doing helping out this wicked woman as you are?” Again the reindeer said not a word. Seeking friendship with this reindeer who would not speak to her, Surreal teased him and asked, “The cat got your tongue, O reindeer of God?” Again the reindeer did not speak.
Now uncertain in her ministry to Slugger this day, Surreal turned back to Emmy and asked, “Am I doing this all wrong?”
Slugger said to the gal, “My reindeer will not talk to you, O woman of God.”
The gal and Emmy and all of the ladies that were with them were mystified at this cold reception from a reindeer of the Lord.
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Then Slugger said, “This is a reindeer gone dumb.”
And the women soul-winners understood. Indeed reindeer gone dumb were never seen here in the United States. Leave it to malevolent Slugger to adopt a reindeer gone dumb for a pet or for a beast of transportation. So this was what such a reindeer looked like. He did not look any different from a normal reindeer. Though his countenance did seem dumb as his tongue.
“Now get out of my way,” demanded Slugger.
“First you must pray and ask God to save you from your sins, Slugger,” said Surreal with a mighty witness-warrior’s braveness.
Without hesitation, Slugger lashed her switch upon both haunches or her reindeer gone dumb and commanded it, “Go and run over the Baptist woman.”
In adverse reaction to its mistress’s viciousness, the reindeer gone dumb instead raised its forelegs up off of the ground and did dump the giantess upon her head on the ground behind it.
The ladies of the church gave off a collective gasp. The bully of a woman lay there upon the ground semi-aware of her surroundings. She was in no condition now to punch Surreal. Surreal took a quick look at Emmy. Emmy nodded. Surreal came up to the sprawled giantess. And she began to witness to Slugger where she lay semi-conscious: “Slugger, Jesus loves you and wants you to go to Heaven. He does not want you to reject Him and to send yourself to Hell. He willingly went to the cross of Calvary to shed His much precious blood and to die for you in order to take away your sins. He rose from the grave on the third day in the true Easter miracle of His resurrection. Because He lives today He can still save you. A dead God cannot save anyone. He is looking down upon us right now, and He sees in me a Christian gal witnessing for her first time, and He sees in you a sheep without a Shepherd. Reach out for Jesus. Seek the Saviour. Ask God to save your soul. Accept Christ’s free gift of everlasting life. Pray with me for so great eternal life to come upon you. It is called ‘the sinners’ prayer.’ I prayed that myself and became a born-again Christian. You can do that, too, O Slugger. I
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beseech you, my friend, do not let the Devil keep you from Jesus anymore.”
The fallen brute of a woman lay there for a long silent moment as all the ladies around her waited with bated breath to hear what she might say. At long last, Slugger said, “Good friend, I choose Jesus.”
And Slugger sat up now, and Surreal the Gal sat down beside her. And the gal led the woman through this sinners’ prayer unto so great salvation: “Dear God: I am a sinner. I hit men. And I punch out women. I am sorry. Please forgive me for all of my wicked deeds. And cleanse me from my dirty rotten sins. I wish to repent from them. I confess that You sent Your only begotten Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for my sins. And I confess that this same Son of God arose from the dead on the third day. I do say, O Lord, ‘Jesus saves!’ Please become my Saviour and give me everlasting life in Heaven. Thank You. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.”
The most unlikely woman of all the town to get right with God had just now become right with God. Slugger, truly a daughter of Satan, had just become a born-again believer in Christ. A miracle of salvation had just happened, and Surreal the Gal was the Christian lady whom God used to bring this about with His Spirit of Holiness.
“Thank you, kind miss, for helping me to get saved like you did,” said Slugger. And with this, the giant woman turned to her reindeer gone dumb, and she said, “I’m bringing you back to the North Pole where reindeer like you belong.” Then she turned back to Surreal the Gal, said to her, “God bless you, O stranger who has become a friend. I have to go and finish up some business that I need to finish up because of the way I have been living. But I will meet you and your good church people again at this park. I promise.” And with this, Slugger mounted the reindeer gone dumb and went back to make right her old life and to return the reindeer to his place of isolation from mankind.
Emmy said, “Surreal, she did not recognize you.”
“She did not know that I was the woman whom she had knocked out at this park.” said Surreal.
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“How do you feel now that you won your first soul for Christ?” asked Emmy.
“I feel like going home and having a good three-hour prayer alone with my Heavenly Father in quiet time in my garden of corn,” she said.
“Amen!” said all the ladies of the church. Surreal herself had now repented of her sin of being a silent Christian in her walk with Christ, and God had now given her back the joy and desire and fulfillment of prayer once again. That is, because she was now out giving out tracts, she could now pray just as she had used to. And her newfound joy of soul-winning exceeded even her great joy at the restoration of her prayer life. And Surreal the Gal was happy once again. And she promised Emmy that she would come out with her and the ladies to the parks again every time they went out to give out the Gospel for now on.
And Emmy said, “Praise the Lord. You’ve made a good decision, O Surreal.”
Flanders the Guy was in his bedroom at his desk with his King James Bible in front of him and shut up. When he had given up on this Good Book in his quiet times with God that last time, he had thrown it down upon the living room table in ire and hopelessness. And it had been there so long that it had gotten dusty. Now here it was on his desk, still not opened up since that fit, and he was looking upon its cover and contemplating his gal’s good fortunes of late. She had repented and gotten over her fear of death and won Slugger to the Lord and gotten back her joys of prayer. But, as for himself, Flanders the Guy had not repented and gotten over his fear of slaying and had not killed a dragon of Satan and had not gotten back his joys of Bible study. Flanders the Guy could either stay stubborn and become jealous of his gal and maybe end up committing the sin unto death. Or he could learn from his gal and be happy for her and maybe come back home to his Heavenly Father as a prodigal son repenting in humbleness and sincerity. He chose the latter now.
And he went outside, wheeled his little cannon out to his front yard not far from the county trunk road, and prepared his cannon with the powder and the wadding and the cannonball. Now he
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needed a dragon to slay. He did feel that he was ready now to serve God in his ministry. If he had to die in his first battle with a dragon, that did not scare him. He wanted to go to Heaven any time. But he had to want to kill dragons—not to die trying to kill dragons. All dragons everywhere persecuted Christ and all Christians in Satan’s never ending war against God and goodness. It was time now for Flanders the Guy to shed dragon blood. He must avenge these dragons for their massacre of many of God’s people. And he had to do it for Jesus. Flanders waited. No dragon came along. He prayed for a dragon to come along. None came along. Then he prayed that God send whom He would or what He would in this meanwhile.
Behold, Surreal his Gal came walking up to him on this county trunk road. “My gal!” he called out. “What brought you here for me?”
“Flanders my guy, I see you have your cannon out here!” she exclaimed in delight.
And the gal and her guy ran up to each other and gave each other a good hug. “Thank you for coming,” said Flanders. “I was praying for a dragon to come, but God did not send any yet this way”
“The Holy Spirit told me to come here, and I came.” she said. “Is everything all right?”
“I made up my mind to slay a dragon,” he said.
“Praise the Lord!” she said. “And I get to see my Christian soldier do that!”
“I just hope that he does not bleed as much as that wyvern did,” he said.
“Oh, I’m sure that he will bleed more,” said Surreal hastily. “Dragons are bigger than wyvern.”
“God help me,” cried out Flanders the Guy.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” said Surreal. But her guy’s face was now pale with remorse at slaying a first dragon that he had not even yet seen in battle. “I’m sorry,” she said again.
“My gal, God did bring you here to help me. I trust you, and I have faith in our God,” said Flanders. And his face lost its paleness. And a soldier’s visage came upon his expression. And he looked like a mighty man of God.
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Just then a reindeer came out of the woods and strolled toward the two where they stood.
Surreal said, “Why, Flanders, God has brought us a reindeer! He can share Scripture with you and give you the strength to slay the dragon who comes along.”
“Good reindeer!” called out Flanders. “Welcome in the name of the Lord!”
“God bless you, O friendly reindeer sent from God,” called forth Surreal.
Just then a dragon appeared in the sky. Flanders saw it. So, too, did Surreal. The gal pointed up. “I see it,” said Flanders.
Flanders aimed his little cannon up at where the dragon was descending. He put his right hand to the cannon’s lanyard. But he hesitated. Then the gal and her guy saw the dragon veer off to the side and descend down toward the reindeer. Surreal cried out, “Flanders, he’s going after the reindeer! Quick! Shoot your cannon at that dragon!” Again Flanders wavered. And he would not pull the lanyard. The two Christians saw the dragon light down upon the earth beside the reindeer. But the reindeer was not afraid for its life. And it did not flee from danger. Nor did it speak a rebuke at the dragon from the Holy Scriptures. Both the gal and her guy were mystified at such a phenomenon.
Then Flanders took his hand off of the lanyard.
And he said, “Surreal, that reindeer is a reindeer gone bad.”
“A reindeer gone bad is running around here in Wisconsin?” she asked.
“I never saw such a reindeer as that around here before,” he said.
“Those kind run around like demon-possessed reindeer,” she said. “Quick, Flanders. Shoot the reindeer gone bad with your cannon!”
“I have never fired my cannon at a living creature before, O Surreal!” he cried out, falling into his old fears at the worst possible time.
Then the reindeer gone bad began to charge the two where they were standing. Flanders stood brave and sure. Surreal ran off to the side, unwisely separating herself from her guy. And the reindeer
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gone bad changed his direction and began to charge the fleeing woman. Flanders the Guy acted very quickly. And before he knew what he was doing, he aimed the little cannon at the reindeer gone bad who was closing in upon his special gal, and he prayed, “God, forgive me,” and he pulled on the cannon’s lanyard. The cannon fired its first cannonball. And it utterly blew up the reindeer gone bad into pieces. It was a gory sight. And Flanders leaned down his head and threw up. But he quickly looked back up, and he saw his gal alive and well and unharmed. “God be blessed,” he said. He had just saved Surreal the Gal’s life by having slain a reindeer gone bad with his cannon from God. And he knew that he had done a good thing in the Lord. He did not need to have asked for forgiveness. God had wanted him to do this. That was why He had sent the gal to him and why He had sent the reindeer gone bad to them. Now that Flanders had slain a reindeer gone bad in real battle, it was now easier for Flanders to go ahead and now slay a dragon in real battle. He then saw Surreal come running back up to him dutifully. The dragon began to stamp the ground, but did not move from where he was standing. Flanders quickly set up his cannon for the second cannonball that he needed to shoot. “This one is for the dragon,” he told his gal, encouraging himself. The gal was again at his side. The dragon was not advancing. The cannon was ready.
The gal asked, “Why is he not charging us? That reindeer gone bad did.”
“I do not know,” said Flanders. But he put his hand to the lanyard anyway. The cannon was now ready to shoot a cannonball at the evil dragon. Then Flanders the Guy saw black smoke coming subtly out of the closed mouth and the open nostrils of the dragon. And Flanders said, “Now I know!”
And he quickly fired his little cannon at the wicked dragon. Just then a flame of fire shot out of this dragon’s open mouth, and it came in right toward the two where they were standing, and it died out just before it got to their feet. Behold, the dragon on its side now, his draconic form not moving, and blood coming out from him where he lay. Surreal the Gal now knew what Flanders came to know just before he shot the cannon at the dragon. That wily dragon from God was standing there to slay them where
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stood with his dragon fire from where he stood. But the cannonball had struck him just as he shot that flame of fire came out of his mouth. And that jarred his aim. And he missed them with his fire. And it fell short of its mark.
Quickly Surreal and Flanders ran up to the sprawled dragon to find out if he really were dead.
Such a pool of blood Flanders had never seen before. But this time he did not throw up at the sight.
“Yuk!” said the gal. Flanders put his hands to the side of the dragon’s neck to see if he could feel any heartbeat. There was none at all.
“He’s dead,” declared Flanders the Guy.
“Yea!” said his gal.
“I did it!” exclaimed Flanders the Christian warrior.
“My guy has slain his first dragon!” said the gal in gladness in the Lord.
“I feel like going ahead and reading the whole book of Psalms beginning to end and to underline in it and to take notes in it and to memorize lots of it, girl!” exclaimed her guy.
“Boyfriend, something like that could take all day!” she said.
“Then I’d better get started, gal,” he said.
“You’ve got back your love for the Holy Bible,” said Surreal the Gal.
“Oh yes! Oh yes!” he said. “I cannot wait to eat and drink the Word of God again. I have been so spiritually hungry and thirsty to get that old first love back again. And now I have it again, my gal!”
“God has given you back your old Christian desires,” she said.
“It feels good to be in the will of God, Surreal,” he said.
“I better leave my guy alone with his Bible right now,” said Surreal.
“I’ll see you again tomorrow?” asked Flanders the Guy.
“Yes,” she said. “And you can tell me how the Psalter went for you,”
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“I’ll do that,” said Flanders the Guy.
And Surreal went back to her home. And Flanders went back to his desk in his bedroom.
It is written in Job 23:12, “…; I have esteemed the words of his mouth more than my necessary food.” And Flanders the Guy felt joy like unto coming Home to Heaven there with his King James Bible.
It was the next day and the gal and her guy got together at a restaurant for chocolate ice cream cones dipped in chocolate. Flanders told Surreal how good the Bible study had gone for him, and she said, “I knew it would be good for you.”
And Surreal told Flanders how good her prayer had gone for her once again the other day, and he said, “Fun. Fun. Fun.”
“Flanders, why do you have so many napkins on the table here?” asked Surreal.
“Because I am eating a chocolate ice cream cone,” he said with a sly grin.
“I am eating a chocolate ice cream cone, too, and I have only one napkin,” said Surreal the Gal.
“You don’t have a beard and a mustache,” he said to her.
“Ah,” she said. “A disadvantage to being a man.” Both laughed at the table.
“Surreal, your cone,” he said.
“What about my cone?” she asked.
“Lift it up,” he said.
She lifted it up. “It’s dripping out of the bottom,” she said.
“I saw chocolate ice cream on the table underneath and around your cone when it was sitting there,” he said.
“I just got this cone,” she said.
“It’s hot out,” he said.
“It’s hot in here, too,” she said. “I better quickly eat it up.”
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“Would you like a napkin for the table?” he asked.
“Can you spare any?” she asked. He nodded with a smile. And she took one from his collection and wiped up drops of chocolate ice cream off of the table in front of her.
Flanders began now to eat his ice cream cone. And Surreal began to eat her ice cream cone.
Surreal the Gal said, “Flanders, you have ice cream all over your beard.”
And Flanders the Guy said, “Your ice cream cone is dripping on your other hand.”
She said in fun, “It is written, ’As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.’”
“Revelation 3:19, my gal,” said Flanders the reference. And both laughed with the Lord in sweet fellowship and merriment.
In this manner, and with many napkins and wiping, the two in Christ finished up their meal in a hurry, laughing and teasing in flirt. And when they were done, they opened up their Holy Bibles. And they shared verses about Heaven.
Flanders read from II Corinthians 4:17-18 out loud: “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”
To this, Surreal the Gal said, “Life’s bad things down here are only for a little while; but Heaven’s good things Up There are forever and ever.”
“And we Christians will be rewarded greater things for our enduring of lesser things.” said Flanders the Guy.
Then Surreal the Gal read out loud a similar message with her Bible open to Romans 8:18, also about Heaven: “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”
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About this verse, Flanders said, “As bad as it gets down here in this life, it is nothing that bad compared to how very good it will get in Heaven.”
“This life is not so bad as the life to come is good for us Christians,” said Surreal this verse’s message another way.
Then Flanders read from the latter part of Revelation 2:10 out loud to Surreal, “…: be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life.”
And Surreal the Gal said, “I know that verse, Flanders. Yes! God promises us Christians who are faithful in life’s trials the glorious crown of life Up in Heaven.”
“We–you and I, Surreal—will have that crown. We will take it off of our heads, and we will toss it at Jesus’s feet, and we will fall down and worship our very Good Lord,” said Flanders the Guy.
Then Surreal the Gal read from Revelation 21:4 out loud for the both of them, “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away.”
“God will take away all trials out of our life the moment we first ascend into Heaven,” said Flanders. “And there shall never be another trial coming upon us for the rest of eternity, gal.”
“We will be in Heaven. And Jesus will put His arms around us and hold us and comfort us from all of our pains we had endured in this life. He has compassion. He knows. He understands. And in His loving arms we will feel safe and secure and sure for forever. He will make sure nothing bad ever happens to us again,” said Surreal the Gal. “Jesus loves us.”
“God will in His time make a new Heaven and a new Earth,” said Flanders the Guy.
“When that time comes, Flanders,” said Surreal the Gal, “time comes to an end, and eternity comes to a beginning.”
“And the Heavenly city new Jerusalem comes down from Heaven,” said Flanders glorious Bible prophecy from Revelation chapter twenty-one.
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“And we born-again Christians will live happily ever after with God in His Heaven of perfect peace and perfect joy and perfect love,” said Surreal the Gal.
“Even so, come, Lord Jesus!” prayed the guy of the gal.
“Maranatha!” prayed the gal of the guy.
Their Bible reading together done, the gal and her guy then went on to share a prayer meeting together. And Surreal the Gal promised God to keep on winning souls in this life, and Flanders the Guy promised God to keep on slaying dragons in this life.
As the last verse of the Scriptures go, “The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.” Revelation 22:21.
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