Flanders Nickels, a young man lost in his sins, encounters a pretty young Mardi Gras woman dressed in black. Her name is Virginia Principal, and she is on her way to Legion Park here in De Pere just down the road to celebrate a costume party with her Baptist church. Having a burden for souls, this Mardi Gras woman, a born-again Christian, seeks to win Flanders’s soul for Christ. Behold, his five ex-girlfriends come storming in for revenge upon him for having cheated on all of them some time ago.
THE MARDI GRAS WOMAN
By Mr. Morgan P. McCarthy
He sat alone in his front yard on Erie Street in the light of sunset in De Pere, Wisconsin. He was sitting in his nice green grass with his back up against a little lamppost. And this yard light was not yet on for the night. He was a renter, and his apartment was the upper apartment of a house of two apartments—a lower and an upper. Immediately south of where he was sitting was a vacant lot next door. And immediately south of that vacant lot was a little gas station where he bought stamps and milk and bread. His wonderful apartment which he rented now for some years was full of homey hardwood floors room to room. And he had a landlord who fixed everything and who was his friend and who gave Christmas presents to his tenants—chocolates, fruit baskets, and frosted pretzels set by their apartment doors. The upper apartment tenant—himself–was in charge of doing the shoveling.
The lower apartment tenant was in charge of mowing the lawn. The upper apartment tenant had the gravel driveway out front for parking; but he had not a car. The lower apartment tenant had the
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garage out back by the back alley for parking; he had a car. And in the basement were a washing machine and a dryer without coin slots. And this man in this front yard right now was in charge of replacing the light bulb in this front lamp post when it burned out. Along the front of this apartment house were a line of arbor vitae trees that reached the top of the building. Sometimes in the winter wind these trees knocked gently against his second-story windows out front. Between his side yard and the vacant lot were a row of lilac trees. His mom loved their smell, but he did not like their smell. It was not lilac season now. His name was Flanders, and he was a one-piece swimsuit girl enthusiast.
Right now he had in front of him in the grass and in the approaching dusk both a picture of a one-piece swimsuit model and also the very same one-piece swimsuit itself fresh off the rack and just recently purchased. Both the maillot picture and the maillot per se belonged to Flanders. The photograph was from the Sunday newspaper ads—this one from a special summer women’s swimwear ad booklet from Shopko– which was an easy four-block walk for this young man. In the ad, the young swimsuit model was wearing an American flag patterned one-piece swimsuit standing with her back before a mirror.
Flanders could see her entire front facing him and her entire back reflecting back to him in the mirror.
Her hair was brown; her eyes were brown; her eyebrows were brown; her eyelashes were brown. And, like all good maillot models, this patriotic maillot model had slender arms, sexy collarbones, traditional shoulder straps, good curves along the sides, flat belly, high leg cut, and nice bare feet, and a scoop back style, and even a curve along her back. Her arms were akimbo, each hand with three fingers upon her maillot at the hip and with two fingers upon her bare leg of her hip to both sides. Indeed no other swimsuit model that Flanders had seen in any ads before had so enticing a swimwear pattern as that of this woman. The red and white stripes and the field of blue with white stars mesmerized him the moment that he had first seen this girl in the circular. And right away he decided to go and buy his first one-piece swimsuit in his life. It was from then on his to cherish and to adore and to take care of. And it became right away his favorite possession. And here it was, all spread out on the grass in the coming
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twilight. He gazed upon it in ardor. Its shoulder straps were all pure white, and they descended down toward the cups in a V-neck. Alternating red and white stripes ran upward diagonally across its front from its lower side to its opposite upper side. A field of blue filled with white stars covered its lower regions in front and across its neither regions. Thick white strings ran along the curves within both sides and were tied up pretty along the tops of the leg holes. In back it was all solid lustrous white. And it showed much bare back for a woman. Inside this maillot were a tan liner completely covering the front and a tan liner completely covering the back. And the swimsuit cups were also tan. And a tan band ran side-to-side inside below the cups for support. And an extra tan piece of fabric within served as a crotch liner. This was Flanders’s precious brand new thing in his life. And how daring he was to take this secret maillot outside like this and set it upon the ground as he did and wonder if anyone would see it there with him. In reverie, he remembered a conversation that he had with his best work friend Janice just the other day. She was the cashier, and he was the bag boy, and they worked in a little family grocery store here in east De Pere. She had asked him, “Flanders, what would you do if you did not bag groceries for a living?”
And he said to her, “I’d probably be making one-piece swimsuits, Janice.”
“Cool,” she said.
Here now with him was his very first maillot to call his own. Whoever designed it must have been a fashion expert. Whoever made it must have been a seamstress par excellence. Whoever shipped it must have been an angel. Whoever checked it in must have been a benefactor. Whoever stocked it must have been a great woman. And the clerk who rang it up for him must have been a saint.
“Praise God for Shopko!” said Flanders his first praise to the Lord in his life. “Thank You, Lord!” said Flanders his first thanksgiving to God in his life.
Then, in the coming of night, Flanders took a hold of his American flag one-piece swimsuit and held it up before himself by its shoulder straps where he sat. Just then his lamppost light turned on.
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Just then he discerned a form of a person on the sidewalk in front of him. Just then he heard the voice of a young woman saying to him,”Nice swimsuit, sir.” The lonely maillot man had a visitor whom he knew not.
He let fall his one-piece swimsuit upon his lap, put his hand above his eyes, and asked, “Who goes there, O good lady?”
And she said, “Love the swimsuit, sir,”
His eyes became adjusted now to the lamppost light and this dark of late night. And he could see a beautiful woman dressed in all black and with a mask on.
She spoke again, saying, “The swimsuit—it’s very American.”
He could see now all of what she was dressed in. On her brunette head was a black witch hat. Over her eyes was a black mask. Over her form she had on what looked to be a solid black one-piece swimsuit—but this one had a black skirt portion of the same material descending from her waist. This skirt portion was blowing about in the wind around her hips. Over her legs were black tights. And over her feet were black pumps with block heels.
He said to her, “Miss, you look like you’re dressed for Halloween.”
“It is not Halloween this night, sir,” the young woman said. “Do you like it?”
“I do! I do!” he said.
“I am not dressed for Halloween tonight, good sir,” she said. “I am dressed this night for Mardi Gras.”
He said to her, “But tonight is not Mardi Gras, either.”
“Is isn’t for New Orleans, either,” she confessed. “But it will be for my church people tonight.”
“’Mardi Gras’ means ‘Fat Tuesday,’” he went on to say. “Today is Monday. It is not Tuesday yet.”
“It will be when midnight comes along this night,” said this costume woman.
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“One should call it ‘Lundi Gras’–’Fat Monday,’” he said, doubting this carnival-like woman.
“Our Brown County Baptist Church loves to celebrate with costumes one time out of the year,” said this Mardi Gras lady. “I was on my way to Legion Park to celebrate Mardi Gras with them here in De Pere.” This Legion Park was only two blocks from here.
“I think that I am beginning to believe you now,” said Flanders.
“We brothers-and-sisters-in-the-Lord love good wholesome parties,” she said. “We will have one big grilling out and one big tea and coffee binge until it is time to go home for the night.”
“Your church is the most unusual church I have ever heard of,” he said. “Where is it located?”
And she said, “It’s on Scray’s Hill, near the top,”
“Isn’t that the little church by all of the TV antennae towers?” he asked.
“It is, sir,” she said.
“And tonight you are a Mardi Gras girl on your way to the park,” he said, becoming fascinated by this novel woman.
“I and we one hundred others of the flock are going to have a great time of fellowship this night,” she said, elated.
“I wish that I could come, too,” he said.
“Well, sir, let me invite you to join us tonight,” she said.
“What’s your name, O Mardi Gras woman?” he asked.
“My name is ‘Virginia Principal,’” she told him. “What’s your name, sir?”
“I am ‘Flanders Nickels,’” he said to her.
“Well, Flanders, I invite you to join us Christians for our costume party at the park,” she said.
“I am not a Christian, but can I still come anyway?” he asked.
“All are welcome to share Christ with us at our Mardi Gras parties, Flanders,” she said.
“I don’t have a costume right yet,” he said. “May I still come and join?”
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“Come as you are,” said the Mardi Gras woman, heartily.
“I’ll do that,” said Flanders.
“We’ll all be glad to see you,” said Virginia. He then looked down upon her black skirt section of her black one-piece swimsuit. “Flanders, I see curiosity in your face,” she said.
“What is that?” he asked. “I never saw a one-piece swimsuit like yours before, Virginia.”
“Do you mean, ‘What is this swimsuit that I have on?’” she asked.
“It is a maillot, but with a skirt as part of it,” he said in inquisitiveness.
“It’s called ‘a swimdress,’” said Miss Principal.
“A swimdress,” he said in admiration. “I like it a lot,”
“I got it at J.C. Penney’s,” said Virginia. “It was made by Le Cove.”
“You will surely win the prize for best Mardi Gras costume tonight, Virginia,” praised Flanders.
“Thank you, Flanders,” said Miss Principal.
“Do you have to be there real early?” asked Flanders.
“I can come anytime,” she said.
“We can come anytime?” he asked.
“We have the whole night at Legion Park,” said the Mardi Gras woman.
“Would a woman like you wish to sit and chat with a man like myself here right now?” asked Flanders in a venture. “Just for a little while before we go to the park together?”
“Is this a date?”she asked.
“I think so,” he said. “Unless you have a date already from your Baptist church, Virginia.”
“It’s a date then, Flanders,” said Miss Virginia Principal. “I never had a boyfriend before.” And the Mardi Gras woman sat down in the grass beside him to his right.
“There,” said Flanders, happy with a girlfriend for the evening.
Looking down upon the Shopko ad under the lamplight, Miss Principal said, “Nice swimsuit
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picture, too.”
“Thank you, Virginia,” said Flanders. He carefully ran his hands across this ad to his left so as to remove any folds in the paper.
He then took his own maillot that was upon his lap, and he set it neatly upon the grass to his left in its glory.
The wide brim to the Mardi Gras woman’s witch hat touched him alongside of his head, and he felt a thrill inside novel and wondrous. Her eyes shone with iridescent brown inside that mysterious black mask. Her strands of hair, straight and long and brown, played games in the wind of the summer night. Her lips called forth to him in his romance thoughts to kiss them. He dared refuse those lips for now. Her teeth were surely made by the God Whom he knew not. This Mardi Gras woman truly resolved for this night out here his loneliness without a girlfriend. Why did a lady like her want to take time out for a guy like him this night?”
As if reading his secret thoughts, Miss Principal spoke and said, “I care for your soul, Flanders. Are you born again?”
That was the answer. She was here to tell him about Christ. And, herself being so pretty and dressed so pretty, Flanders was more than glad to sit now and chat with this Christian girl all about Christ. And he replied, “Would you tell me about my soul, Virginia? I am not born again.”
“The Bible says that it is worth more than all of the wealth of the world,” began Miss Principal.
“My soul is?” he asked.
“Your soul is,” she said with affirmation.
“Where do you think that I am going after I die?” he asked her sincerely and uncertainly.
“Flanders, if you are born again, you will be with me and Jesus in Heaven after you die,” said the Mardi Gras woman. “But if you are not born again, and you do die in your sins, you will be in Hell and its fires after you die.”
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“I’m not born again, but I still love the Lord,” said Flanders hastily.
“Only born-again believers can truly love God,” said Virginia Principal.
“I read my Bible once. I prayed once. I even went to a Baptist church once,” he said, doubting the proof of his words as he spoke them.
“It is written, O Flanders,” recited Miss Principal, “’Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? And in thy name have cast out devils? And in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you; depart from me, ye that work iniquity.’ Matthew 7:21-23.”
Offended, Flanders asked, “But what makes you so different from myself?”
“Only my personal Saviour Jesus Christ,” replied the Mardi Gras woman humbly.
“What do you do in Christ that I do not do?” he asked.
“I read my King James Bible every evening. I pray to my Heavenly Father every night. I go to Brown County Baptist Church every time the doors are open. And I win souls for Christ on door-to-door visitation with the other ladies and men of my church,” summed up Virginia Principal.
“You do much good works in Jesus,” he said in humility.
“Only Jesus saves. Good works cannot save,” emphasized the Mardi Gras woman.
“Then why does a woman like you do all of these things if they have nothing to do with going to Heaven?” asked Flanders.
“Because it is all fun and satisfying for me,” she said.
“You’re peculiar, O Virginia,” he said in kindness and incomprehension.
“The Bible calls us born-again believers ‘a peculiar people,’” said Miss Principal.
“I can tell that you love to worship and give out the Word,” he said to her. “You born-again Christians think and talk and act very differently from the rest of us in the world.”
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“’Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy.’ I Peter 1:16,” recited the Mardi Gras woman more ready Scripture.
“Do you worship God to be holy?” asked Flanders.
“We believers worship God to give glory to Him,” said Virginia. “’For the love of Christ constraineth us;…’ II Corinthians 5:14.”
“I do have to say, ‘I was never one to do worship,’” he confessed.
“You should try it sometime,” she said.
“How can I make worship as fulfilling for myself as it is for yourself?” he asked.
“All you need to do is to first get saved. After that one can say Matthew 6:33: ‘But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you,’” said the Mardi Gras woman.
“Like Heaven in the afterlife?” he asked.
“Like Heaven in the afterlife,” concurred Virginia Principal.
“I really don’t want to go to Hell, Virginia,” he called out.
“You don’t have to go Hell. The Lamb of God was slain so that we may have eternal life. Everlasting life is a free present to all who call upon Him. It is written, ‘And Abraham said, My son,
God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering.’ Genesis 22:8,” said Virginia.
“You make it sound like the saved have it the best down here and have it the best in the life to come. And you make it sound like the lost have it the worst down here and have it the worst in the life to come,” said Flanders.
“Getting saved is a win-win decision, Flanders,” said Miss Principal.
“There’s got to be a different way to Heaven than in becoming a Christian,” said Flanders.
“It is written, O Flanders,” recited Virginia more Bible verses, “’When once the master of the house is risen up, and hath shut to the door, and ye begin to stand without, and to knock at the door,
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saying, Lord, Lord, open unto us; and he shall answer and say unto you, I know you not whence ye are: Then shall ye begin to say, We have eaten and drunk in thy presence, and thou hast taught in our streets. But he shall say, I tell you, I know you not whence ye are; depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity. There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth, when ye shall see Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, and all the prophets, in the kingdom of God, and you yourselves thrust out.’ Luke 13:25-28.”
“What if a man is offended by Jesus?” asked Flanders.
“Would that that man were convicted by Jesus instead,” said Virginia.
“I hear you believers go around and say to us nonbelievers, ‘Jesus saves,’” said Flanders.
“We Christians go around and say also, ‘Jesus died for our sins and rose again the third day,’” said the Mardi Gras woman. “We call that ‘the good news of the Gospel.’”
“Did Jesus die for my sins?” asked Flanders.
“He surely did, Flanders,” said Virginia.
Waxing self-confident, Flanders Nickels said, “Mardi Gras lady, if you can convince me that I am a bad sinner, then I will become a born-again person like yourself. But if you cannot convince me that I am a bad sinner, then you will have to stay here and miss out on your Mardi Gras at the park with your church people.” Surely this beautiful girl in her black swimdress and all of its black accessories would not want to lose out on her church’s annual celebration that they all loved.
“I am a soul-winner first; and a Mardi Gras woman second,” said Miss Principal right off. “And I will stay here until I get you saved no matter what.”
Her faith and her faithfulness broke down his confidence in his wager. But he would never admit to being a bad sinner.
Then Miss Principal said to him, “In the eyes of God there is no such thing as a good sinner; all are bad sinners. And there is no such thing as a little sin; in the eyes of God, all sin is a big sin.”
“Not this guy, woman,” challenged Flanders, ready for a challenge.
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“’…, (for there is no man that sinneth not,)…’ I Kings 8:46,” she said right at him. “And again, ‘…, (for there is no man which sinneth not,)…’ II Chronicles 6:36.”
“Ask me, and I will tell you that I am a pretty good guy. I never did drugs. I never got drunk. I never killed anyone,” he bragged heedlessly and in ignorance. “I am no sinner, Virginia.”
“Did you say to ask you, Flanders?” asked the Mardi Gras woman.
“I did,” he said.
“I shall ask away then,” she said. “Flanders, did you ever tell a lie?”
“Nope! I never lied,” he said.
“You’re lying right now,” she said.
“Nope. Mom taught me not to lie,” he said.
She went on to ask, “Did you always obey your parents?”
“Yep!” he said.
“Like when they told you to take out the garbage?” she asked.
“Yes. Every time,” he said.
“And when they told you to be home at a certain time for the night?” she asked.
“Yes! I never came home late for the night when I was still living at home,” he said.
“Or when they told you to do your homework?” she asked.
“They never needed to tell me to do my homework. I studied hard every night and got straight A’s on my report cards in high school,” he boasted.
“Anything else that they might have told you to do, and you did not obey your mom and dad?” asked the Mardi Gras woman.
“Not a thing,” he said in pride.
She then asked him, “Did you ever steal anything?”
“I am not a thief,” he said. “What’s mine is mine; what’s somebody’s else is somebody’s else.”
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“Did you ever think about stealing anything?” she asked. “Was there anything that belonged to another person that you secretly coveted?”
“No, Virginia,” he said. “I don’t need things that aren’t mine to take.”
Pursuing this question on stealing, she asked, “Did you ever borrow money and not pay it back?”
“I never borrow money,” he said.
Further on stealing, she said, “Did you ever stand around and slack at work when you were on the clock?”
“No. I work hard and do not slack,” he said. “I do not cheat the company on my breaks and my lunch, either, making sure that I do not take extra time on them.”
She then went on to ask, “Are you kind to your neighbor?”
“I am. I sometimes do some of their chores and their errands for them. I make them cookies and brownies. I do not gossip with or about them. We on Erie Street are like one big family. I treat my neighbors as I do my own familial family,” he went on to say.
“Are you a giving person?” she asked.
“I am indeed,” he said. “I give monthly gifts of money to the Humane Society of the United States and to the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and to the World Wildlife Federation.”
“Ah, the H.S.U.S. and the A.S.P.C.A. and the W.W.F.,” said the Mardi Gras woman. “You like animals, Flanders.”
“Especially dogs,” said Flanders.
Running out of test questions, Virginia was baffled by this man who denied his sins, herself not knowing what his sins were, but knowing that they were there indeed.
“Are you done asking me your questions?” asked Flanders, like a victor.
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She prayed to God for one more question to test him with, and God told her in His still small voice, “Matthew 5:28.” Indeed Miss Principal knew this verse. It was one that she had memorized. It said, “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her heart already in his heart.”
And she asked him, “Proffery, have you ever stared at a girl and lusted after her body with your thoughts?”
Lo, Flanders this time did not come up with a ready “No.” In fact, he said in staidness, “Ah, Virginia, I had five girls all the way lots.”
“You confess to adultery?” she asked.
“I confess to fornication,” he said solemnly.
“You are a fornicator?” she asked.
“Lisa and Tracy and Heidi and Jenny and Jodi,” he said.
“In that order?” she asked.
“No, I had all five girlfriends in my life at the same time,” he said.
“You were fooling around with five young women,” she said.
“And all five found out about the others of my five,” he said.
“What became of that?” she asked.
“They all came and confronted me at once. I had to tell them that I was cheating on them with each other. And they all ran off from me and left me without any girlfriends,” he said.
“Would you say that using five women like that and for that was a sin on your part, Flanders?” asked Miss Principal.
“That makes me a sinner,” he confessed. “Fornication is a sin. I did it all the time. I have sinned.”
“Well, we finally got through the first step. You confessed that you sinned against a holy God,” Page 13
said the Mardi Gras woman.
His spiritual insight edified, Flanders Nickels said, “I am the dirtiest and the most foul among sinners.”
“That’s good to hear from you, Flanders,” said Virginia Principal.
“Lisa and Tracy and Heidi and Jenny and Jodi all told me that I was going to pay for what I had done,” said Flanders. “Can five disgruntled ladies do a man in if they want?”
“They say that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” said the Mardi Gras woman.
“Well, right now, Virginia, I feel more afraid of Hell than I do the five women,” said Flanders.
“What you said is very wise, Flanders,” said Miss Principal.
“Bad people go to Hell,” he said. “That’s I.”
“I can help you, Flanders,” she said.
“Good people go to Heaven,” he then said. “That’s you.”
“There is no good person, except Jesus,” said the Mardi Gras woman. “It is the lost people, the unsaved people, who go to Hell when they die. And it is the saved people, the born-again believers, who go to Heaven when they die.”
“I need salvation,” he said, understanding eternal truths now for his first time.
“I can tell you how I found salvation, Flanders,” said Miss Principal.
“I would love to hear you tell me,” said Flanders.
And the Mardi Gras woman went on to tell Flanders the testimony of her salvation: “It was last year, at Voyageur Park, at our church’s Mardi Gras celebration.”
“Voyageur Park, the other park in east De Pere, the one by the river,” he said.
“That’s where us Baptist folk had our Mardi Gras that year,” said Virginia Principal.
“You were a Baptist, and you weren’t yet saved?” he asked.
“I did not become born again until after I had gone to the church for a while,” she said.
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“But right after I found Christ as Saviour, I went and got baptized and became a member of Brown County Baptist Church. Now I am the church treasurer.”
“What did you go as in last year’s Mardi Gras celebration?” he asked her.
“As a Medieval English princess,” she said.
“I bet that you were a pretty Medieval English princess, Virginia,” he said.
“I did feel pretty,” she said. “It was a musketeer who led me through my prayer.”
“Was this musketeer someone from your church?” asked Flanders.
“It was our church usher Proffery,” she said. “He was the most faithful member of our Baptist church. He had a perfect attendance record right from his day as a first-time visitor,”
“He sounds like quite the man of God,” said Flanders.
“Only our pastor is more Godly than Proffery is,” said the Mardi Gras woman.
“I would be nervous if I were to stand before him and meet him,” said Flanders. “What would I say to a Christian like himself?”
“Proffery is a humble and kind man,” said Virginia. “He would be honored to talk with you.”
“What did Proffery say to you that got you thinking seriously about Jesus?” asked Flanders,
“It was nighttime at Voyageur Park. Proffery and I were standing by the grill with the roasted corn-on-the-cob. He was dressed like in the Middle Ages. I was dressed like in the Middle Ages.
And he said to me, ‘Virginia, I’ve been praying for you.’
“What a good man he is to say that,” said Flanders.
“I tell you, Flanders, when a man like Proffery says that he is praying for you, you can rest assured that his prayers are heard loud and clear at the throne of Christ in Heaven Above,” exclaimed the Mardi Gras woman.
“What did you say after he told you that?” asked Flanders.
“I said to him, ‘I am honored by your prayers for me, O Proffery,’” said Virginia Principal.
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“I did not know that, though I was religious, I was still lost in my sins. I thought that all was well with my soul because I went to a Godly Baptist church that was on fire for the Lord. I did many good things with my fellow members of the flock. I never missed a fellowship dinner at church. And I was a regular there, coming to church most of the time. But Proffery could see things in me that I could not see in myself in my unsaved state. And I went ahead and asked my musketeer at the Mardi Gras, ‘Proffery, what are you praying for me for?’
And he said, ‘I fear for you in your prayer meeting prayers at Wednesday Night Bible Study and Prayer Meeting, Virginia.’
Respectful of this mighty man in Christ, I asked him, ‘What’s wrong with my prayer circle prayers, Proffery?’
And he said, ‘They do not have life to the words. You have a monotone to your sentences. And they are over after a very short time.’
I said, ‘I don’t say lots to God.’
And he asked me, ‘Do you like to pray to God?’
I said, ‘Of course I do, Proffery.’
And he said, ‘Virginia, when I hear you pray out loud to God, I hear the words of an unbeliever praying to God.”
‘How come?’ I asked.
‘Because it is like you are saying nothing in a very short time,’ he said to me.
‘What do I have to say in prayer meeting?’ I asked him.
Proffery could see that there was something definitely wrong with my spiritual state because of my lack of fervor and fervency in my prayers in our church’s midweek service. And he said to me, ‘A true Christian loves to pray to his Heavenly Father. He prays much, and he prays with inflection, and he prays with the Spirit. Most of all, he prays to the Lord as a best friend chats with his Best Friend.’
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‘I have never prayed like that before, Proffery,’ I said to him.
He then asked me, ‘How’s your prayer life in your time alone with God at home?’
And I said to him, ‘I have never prayed at home.’
Oh, the look of despond that came upon his face for me, Flanders! Right then he said to me, ‘Virginia, you need Christ.’
And I became afraid of Hell. I cried out, ‘Help me, Proffery!’
And he held my shaking body in his arms and gave me a word of exhortation and said, ‘I will help you, O Virginia. God will save you this night. Let us pray together and get you good and saved right now.’
Right there in the middle of Mardi Gras, a ‘Musketeer led a Medieval woman’ to salvation. I repeated after Proffery what is called ‘the sinners’ prayer.’ He said a line, and I said that same line after him. That prayer, Flanders, was the only satisfying prayer I had prayed in my life then. And when I finished my prayer for salvation, I was a born-again Christian. Ever after having become a believer, all of my prayers since were alive and satisfying and downright good to say. And Proffery saw a change in my prayer meeting prayers at church. And I found a new life full of prayer and Bible-study and fellowship and soul-winning and hymn-singing. Jesus makes the difference in this life in all things.
And He is the difference in the life to come between Heaven forever and Hell forever. I thank God everyday now for Proffery’s heavy burden for my soul and for his boldness to confront me and for his compassion to lead me to salvation. That, Flanders, is how I became a born-again believer. I shall never forget last year’s Mardi Gras. I’ve been saved for one year now, and it was a happy and joyful year in the Lord for me.”
“Praise the Lord for Proffery,” said Flanders.
“Flanders,” said the Mardi Gras woman, ready to say something to him.
“Yes, Virginia?” he asked.
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“I want to do the same for you,” said Miss Principal.
In the light of his front yard lamppost bulb, Flanders turned away from the pretty Mardi Gras woman and looked upon his picture of that familiar Shopko American flag maillot woman from that enthralling ad. He said, “I don’t know about that, Virginia.”
“What don’t you know, Flanders?” she asked.
“I don’t know if I am ready for all of this change that comes around from getting born again,” he said.
“Lots of times, Flanders, the reason that people do not get born again is because there is some sin in their life that they don’t want to give up for God,” said the Mardi Gras woman.
He then turned his gaze from the maillot model and on to the real maillot itself. He said, “I don’t know if I can give up my one-piece swimsuit for Jesus.”
“Flanders, what we are talking about is you getting saved,” said Miss Principal. “Never mind your fetish right now.”
“All I know is that this maillot is something that I do not want to live without for the rest of my life, Virginia,” said Flanders.
“Flanders, think now about eternity,” said Miss Principal. “Right now is the time to pray and ask God for salvation. Once you get saved, then you can worry about your precious one-piece swimsuit later.”
“Jesus will surely take it away from me,” said Flanders.
“Do not let this women’s maillot send you to Hell,” pleaded the Mardi Gras woman. “Do not let this one-piece swimsuit keep you out of Heaven.”
“I see that I have to make the decision of my life,” he said. “I must choose either my swimming suit or your Jesus.”
“That’s a crazy thing to say! That comes straight from Hell! Don’t listen to the Devil!”
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entreated the Mardi Gras woman.
“This Shopko one-piece swimsuit. It’s magic! Such red and white stripes. Such white stars and blue background. Such a thing to have for ever and ever. I cannot live without this,” said Flanders.
“Flanders, once you seek and find Christ, Christ will help you to free yourself from all of this,” said Miss Principal.
“That’s the problem,” said Flanders. “This is more important than that.” He was comparing the maillot to the Saviour.
“Your maillot never died for your sins like the Lord Jesus did,” said Virginia.
Then he spoke and said brave new thoughts that he had never thought before, saying, “I wonder if this fits me.”
“By the grace of God, do not go and try it on, O Flanders!” cried out the Mardi Gras woman.
He hesitated, then went ahead to check for the tag within. He read out loud, “Size fourteen.”
“Too big for a medium woman like myself,” said Virginia, not knowing what to say right now.
“It looks like it could fit a small man,” said Flanders. “I’m a small man.”
“Maybe it’s too small for you,” said Miss Principal, her heart speaking desperation.
“There’s only one way for me to find out,” said Flanders.
“If you want me to, Flanders, let me try it on first for you. If you like what I look like in this one-piece swimsuit, then maybe you won’t want to put it on yourself,” said the Mardi Gras woman in attempt at bargaining with him over his so-needful salvation.
“You already said that it is too big for yourself, Virginia,” he rebuked her.
Oh yes! She had forgotten.
Then she said, “How about if you wait just a short while and pray the sinners’ prayer with me, and then you can go and put it on? Just get saved first, and then I will let you do what you need to do right now with the women’s maillot.”
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“Better yet, Virginia Principal, leave me alone to go inside and dress up in this, and then I can come out here like that and pray your sinners’ prayer that you say I need so badly,” he said.
Aghast, the Mardi Gras woman gasped and said, “How can I endure to lead a drag queen to the Holy God with himself dressed much as I am this night?”
“You look great in your swimsuit, and I will look great in mine,” he said in diabolical confusion of gender.
“Flanders, God made us male and female. You are male. I am female. God does not want us to dress the same. It is abomination in the eyes of our Creator. You will make yourself abominable to me if you put on that model’s one-piece swimsuit.”
“Would I look to you to be too much of a sinner for you to lead me to Christ if I start a new life of cross dressing right here right now?” asked Flanders Nickels.
“I can only say that you will look like one of those sodomites,” she said hard words.
“I am the farthest thing from one of those queers,” he said. “I like women!”
“I know that,” said the Mardi Gras woman. “I can see that you like us girls so much that you want to pretend to be one of us girls.”
Flanders paused to gather his thoughts. He was contemplative for a while. He pondered what she had just said. Then he asked, “If I did put on this American flag one-piece swimsuit, would I look kind of silly in it?”
“You would not look at all masculine in it,” she said.
“I was hoping to look feminine in it,” he said.
“You would look effeminate in it, instead,” said Miss Principal.
“Really?” asked Flanders.
“You would,” said Virginia.
“Maybe I would look ghoulish,” he said.
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“Quite,” said the Mardi Gras woman.
“Maybe I would look garish in it,” said Flanders.
“Very much so,” said Miss Principal.
“Maybe I would look freakish dressed like that,” said Flanders.
“You said it best,” said Virginia.
“”Well. Well. Well,” he said. “Then I no longer want to put it on.”
To make most sure, the Mardi Gras woman said, “Not even for Mardi Gras tonight. Right, Flanders?”
“In front of all of those good Christians?” he asked. “I don’t even want to wear something like this in front of other lost people like myself now. How much less do I want to wear this in front of saved people like yourself, Virginia Principal.”
“Praise the God of so great repentance!” said Virginia Principal.
“What should I do with it then?” he asked.
“Donate it to St. Vincent de Paul thrift store maybe,” said the Mardi Gras woman.
“The woman who finds this and buys it and puts it on will become a maillot goddess of a girl for sure,” said Flanders.
“Am I a maillot goddess, Flanders?” asked the Mardi Gras woman.
“You are a beautiful swimdress goddess, Virginia,” he said to her. “And I love the rest of your Mardi Gras costume just as much.” Having heard this made the Mardi Gras woman most glad to be with him. He liked her a lot. And she liked him a lot.
“Well, is this a good time to get you saved, Flanders?” asked Miss Principal.
“I need it!” he confessed his sins.
“Let’s go and do it, Flanders,” said Virginia.
“Do we kneel? Do we sit? Do we stand?” he asked.
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“My Heavenly Father will hear us in any position in which we pray to Him,” said Miss Principal. She was standing, her head bowed. So he stood, also, bowing his head.
Just then from down the block a way came the sound of hooting and hollering and high-fives.
Flanders took a peek at his mentor. Her head was focused and her eyes were shut. He shut his eyes again. Then his witness-warrior prayed the first line for him to pray: “Dear God in Heaven:” Just then rowdy and riotous and ribald utterances were spoken from this group on the sidewalk. And Flanders and Virginia could tell that these remarks were directed right at Flanders where he stood. Her countenance was firmly fixed upon God. He was very curious about who these interlopers were. Miss Principal said again for him to say, “Dear God in Heaven:” He turned his head around to take a quick glance at this little mob. Lo, five young women dressed in prom gowns and their five young men in prom suits. It was these prom girls who had been doing all the yelling this evening. The prom boys were saying nothing. He now gazed upon these prom celebrators. “Flanders,” chastised Virginia, “Dear God in Heaven:” He turned back to his laborer-in-Christ. He was about to repeat this first line of sinners’ prayer after her. But suddenly their little prayer circle was invaded by five high school prom women. Behold, his former girlfriends Lisa and Tracy and Heidi and Jenny and Jodi!
“Girlfriends,” he called out in reference to his and their past, “what are you five doing here?”
Lisa said, “We are coming back from our wild prom night.”
Tracy said, “We girls wanted to come and say, ‘Hi,’ to you.”
Heidi said, “We came to get even with you, Flanders.”
Jenny said, “We said that we would come back. Well, we’re back!”
And Jodi said, “Revenge is sweet, Flanders.”
Taking charge, Virginia said, “Would you ladies excuse us for just a moment? We two are trying to pray here and get Flanders saved.”
“Who are you?” challenged Lisa. “I have never seen you before.”
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Tracy said, “A new girlfriend for Flanders is asking us to leave. Who does she think that she is?”
Heidi said, “As we came here to do to Flanders, we can do now the same to his woman.”
Jenny said, “The new girl makes herself lord over us five.”
And Jodi said, “Let’s trash the sassy witch in black!”
Himself trying to take control, Flanders said, “Trash me first. Just leave Virginia here alone.”
To this Lisa said, “We prefer ten against two over ten against one.”
Tracy complained, “Our men are still way over there and they’re no good to us right now when we need them, Lisa.”
Heidi called forth to the group of five prom date men, “Guys, come and help us gals already.”
Jenny hollered at their men, “You’re all useless.”
And Jodi said, “We gals will have to go it alone again.”
Virginia Principal then said, “It looks like it will have to be five against two now.”
The idle prom boys did not budge from where they stood not far away. Flanders could hear them gossiping about dubious goings on at the prom that nobody ought to listen to, much less to talk about.
Flanders spoke in authoritative apology for his misdeeds of the past, saying, “I am sorry for how I had used you girls. I was wrong. I stand here before you now, guilty. I am ready now to be beaten up by five tall avenging women. I will not fight back. All I ask is that you do not harm this Mardi Gras woman. She has the words of eternal life. She is going to Heaven. She is a born-again Christian.”
Lisa spoke up first again for her group of five, “Flanders, that is too little too late.”
Tracy went on to say, “I ought to kick you right where it counts!”
Heidi said, “I do not forgive you, either, Flanders.”
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Jenny said, “You made us girls to be like tramps.”
And Jodi said, “I had trusted you, Flanders.”
Then the five girls looked upon the Mardi Gras woman. And Lisa said, “We will let you go, lady. Our business is not with you. Our business is with Flanders.”
Flanders looked at Virginia, and Virginia looked at Flanders. The man said, “Run, O Virginia, and get out of here as fast as you can. I must surrender myself to these five girls I had violated in my life of sin. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
Miss Principal did not leave Flanders. She chose to stay with her man until she could convert him to Christ the Saviour. And she would never betray this new boyfriend of hers to this “pack of wolves” at the cost of his needful sinners’ prayer.
The Mardi Gras woman then spoke and said, “Wild young women, let me say a word before you go and ravage my date of the evening.”
Lisa said, “Whatever you say, you say it at the risk of your own well-being, woman.”
“I shall say it nonetheless,” said the Mardi Gras woman.
“Do tell us,” said Lisa.
And the Christian woman said, “Lisa, Tracy, Heidi, Jenny, Jodi, it takes two to commit immorality. Your own actions are just as much your own fault as they were Flanders’s fault. You cannot think to escape your own accountability for such vile fornication. Whatever the man did, you women did in like. It was by consent of all of you and one of Flanders. Flanders may have been the one playing around. But you five were living just as unholy lives as he was. In the Old Testament, God’s Word said that according to the Mosaic Law, an adulteress must be stoned to death. Should it be any different for you lascivious young women? Should it be any different for Flanders in his wanton lost state? All I ask of you five scorned girlfriends of Flanders, is that you wait till after I lead him to salvation, then have at him if you will with all of your revenge as jilted women.”
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Lisa spoke first again, “I think that I like that idea, O woman in black.”
Tracy said, “I can get along with that.”
Heidi said, “I can slug a converted cheat harder than I can slug a nonconverted cheat.”
Jenny said, “My much anticipated getting even can wait for a little while longer.”
And Jodi said, “You make sense, O woman.”
Behold, Flanders Nickels, seeing through their hypocrisy, cried out, “Flee, Virginia! Run for your life! They are out for blood!”
Lo, the five tricky young women suddenly surrounded the Mardi Gras woman and began punching her with lefts and rights. Flanders charged in upon this mob assault, and he began to do to the five as they were doing to Miss Principal. And as Virginia was getting the worst of it from the five prom girls at first, very quickly the five prom girls were getting the worst of it from Flanders.
Lisa summoned the prom boys, “Come and help us!”
Behold, their prom dates began to walk away in a male bonding, leaving their women behind in abandonment.
Tracy called forth to the prom men, “Boys, we’re sorry. Come back!”
Heidi said, “They’re all getting away!”
Jenny said, “Let’s run after them!”
And Jodi said, “Let’s get out of here!”
But the prom boy group did not turn back, did not stop walking away, did not care what was happening to the prom girls.
And in desperate flight the five prom girls ran away from Flanders for their own good, and they chased after their prom boys, and they reunited as prom dates. And all the uproar that had suddenly stormed in upon Flanders and Virginia was now suddenly replaced with good and Godly calm. Their foes were gone and not ever coming back. “You’re hurt, Virginia,” said Flanders.
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“Some cuts. Some bruises. A little bleeding. But nothing real bad,” said the Mardi Gras woman.
“I’m sorry,” said Flanders.
“I’ll be all right,” said Virginia. “How do I look?”
“You look bad, but still beautiful, Virginia,” said Flanders.
“Thank you, Flanders. You’re a kind man to me,” said Miss Principal.
He picked up her fallen witch hat and gave it back to her. She readjusted her black mask over her eyes. She put her feet back into black pumps that had come off in the fight. She put back on her witch hat. “Ah, my pretty Mardi Gras woman her whole self again,” he praised her.
“Well, Flanders, are you ready for our highlight of this date?” she asked.
“Virginia, I’m all yours and Jesus’s. Lead me to the Saviour now, if you would,” he said.
Weary from this battle, Miss Principal sat down on the grass to do her work as soul-winner. Flanders joined her, sitting in front of her in the grass. And this was the sinner’s prayer that the Mardi Gras woman led Flanders through line by line: “Dear God in Heaven: In my life I have sinned with much sin. Because of my sins I deserve eternal punishment in the fires of Hell in order to pay for my sins. But You sent Your only begotten Son Jesus Christ to pay for my sins with His shed perfect blood on the cross of Calvary. He died for me there in my place. But He did not stay dead. Three days later, He came back to life. Jesus Christ is a living God today Who can still save souls. I ask You now, God, to forgive all of my sin and to take away all of my sin and to cleanse me from all of my sin. With your help I hereby repent. Please save my soul from Hell. Please save my soul for Heaven, instead. In Christ Jesus’s name I pray. Amen.”
This sinners’ prayer finished, the two looked up into each other’s face where they sat. He could see joy in the Lord in his pretty Mardi Gras woman’s face over what had just happened for him. He felt this same joy of the Lord in his soul and spirit. It happened. He had become a born-again Christian.
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He had accepted God’s free gift of eternal life. Virginia leaned her pretty face toward his and gave him a sweet kiss on his nose. He leaned toward her and gave her a sweet kiss on her forehead. And they sat together in quiet romance, silently gazing into each other’s eyes.
Then the Mardi Gras woman spoke and said, “Shall I show off my new boyfriend-in-the-Lord to my church people, Flanders?”
“Yes! Let’s go to Legion Park and get together with your church friends at their Mardi Gras,” he said.
“Maybe you can bring your own maillot with you there,” said Virginia. “Some woman there might want to have it for herself.”
“What an honor in the Lord would it be for me to begin my new walk in Christ by giving my once-precious American flag maillot to another girl,” he said in novel good works.
“And what about your picture of that same one-piece swimsuit?” asked Miss Principal. “The one with the model in the Shopko ad?”
“I doubt that any woman would want that,” he said. “I don’t need it anymore. I have Jesus.”
“Could I have the picture, Flanders?” asked Virginia.
“You flatter a man who renounces such fetish,” he said. “I’ll be the most glad to give that to you, Virginia.” And he gave it to her, and she stored it in the cone of her witch hat for now to keep it until she came back home when Mardi Gras would be done.
“Thank you, Flanders,” she said. “It’s a real neat one-piece swimsuit.”
“Well, girlfriend in the ladies’ black swimdress, let’s walk to the park and fellowship and look at costumes and give away a maillot,” he said.
The Mardi Gras woman took his right arm in her left arm, leaned her adoring brunette head against his shoulder, and began to stroll down the street with him. The park was only two blocks from his place. It must have been ten o’clock at night. They could hear the beatitudes and the benedictions
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and the doxologies of the Baptists at the park just up ahead. Flanders especially enjoying taking in the loud, “Praise Jesus’s” and “Thank God’s” coming from the great revival taking place there in their special Mardi Gras. He then leaned his head against her witch hat as they sauntered down these two blocks. He had his maillot to give away in his left arm. And he still held the Mardi Gras woman’s left arm in his right arm. This woman in black was going to be his for a very long time now. And he would be hers for a very long time now. He had never had a girlfriend-in-Christ before. He needed not to worry about temptations with sin with Virginia, saved, as he had with the other five girlfriends, all lost, of his old life. He thought upon a future with precious prayer meetings alone with his Virginia in the nights and in the days and in her church and at his place and at her place and inside and outside. He daydreamed about having Bible studies with her alone at the beautiful parks of De Pere that bordered the Fox River. He had heard it said by good Christians that the King James Version Bible was the right Bible for born-again believers to read. His Virginia could teach him much about what he needed to know from the Scriptures with himself being a babe in Christ now. The Good Book and she could teach him the basics of what it was to live for God now that he was a new convert. And he pondered about what it would be like to go to her church–to meet these fellow Mardi Gras costume revelers–in the ordinance of church in their Sunday bests. He was definitely going to her Brown County Baptist Church first thing Sunday morning with her. And he would definitely grow in Christ and become a member of this Baptist church. He would find new friends that would be brothers-and-sisters- in-the-Lord. He would meet that fascinating Proffery who was so full of the Holy Spirit. He would meet her pastor, the leader of the flock. He would meet the pastor’s wife, his partner in the ministry. He also wanted to someday be as good at soul-winning as she. He saw the joy that she had felt when she had won his soul for Jesus. He wanted to find that same joy himself that a believers finds when he or she leads a lost soul to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. And he wanted a new song in his heart. He heard that Baptists loved to sing the good old hymns from bygone days in Christianity. He could learn
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these great songs of God. He could learn a few at a time as Brown County Baptist Church would sing them in their services. And over the course of many months, he would know a slew of the good hymns of the faith. He could sing them at church. He could sing them alone. He could sing them with Virginia Principal.
The Mardi Gras woman lifted up her eyes at him through her black mask, and she said, “I like you, Flanders.”
“And I like you, too, Virginia,” he said.
And she leaned her face toward his face, and this time she kissed him on his lips. Caught up in sweet magic of romance, he went ahead and drew his face toward her face, and he did kiss her back on her lips.
“We’re almost there,” said the Mardi Gras woman. They were now in front of the sign that read “Legion Park.”
“We are here,” he declared.
And a Mardi Gras woman in her black swimdress costume and all of its accessories and her date, the man without a costume, joined the fellow shippers in their late-night Mardi Gras. Here were a hundred people in most alluring costumes, male and female, all unique and none the same, all reveling in the Lord. Flanders was able to give away his Shopko American flag maillot to the first girl who came along. She was a tall slender girl in an American flag long-sleeved women’s gymnastics leotard, just like that worn by the American women gymnasts in the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics. He had asked her, “Are you Mary Lou Retton?” And she said, “I am Julianne McNamara.” And this Mardi Gras woman was most glad when Flanders asked her, “Would you like a one-piece swimsuit that looks just like your gymnastics leotard?” She said to him, “God bless you, sir.” And he said to her, “God bless you, miss.” And he repented of his fetish in the name of the Lord.
And he and Virginia Principal had the best time of their lives in this Mardi Gras at the park.
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