Allyson Alicia Ally, the wedding bride, is going to marry her fiance Proffery. But they are not born again, and they get into many arguments as boyfriend-and-girlfriend. Their best friends, Flaurie Flossey Threepennies and Flanders are both born again, and they, too, are boyfriend-and-girlfriend; but they do not argue and fight with each other. And Flaurie and Flanders pray for the souls of Allyson and Proffery. The wedding bride’s dress has one hundred buttons on the back. And the day of the wedding is drawing near. And the wedding bride and the wedding bridegroom have another big fight before the wedding.
THE WEDDING BRIDE
By Mr. Morgan P. McCarthy
Best friends Allyson and Flaurie were alone in Allyson’s den of her home in Menasha just a few days before the big wedding. Allyson, the wedding bride, was going to marry her groom Proffery. And Flaurie was going to be the maid of honor. And Flaurie’s boyfriend Flanders was going to be the best man. The two women were already dressed here in this den for that big day. Allyson the wedding bride was dressed in a most eccentrically unique bridal gown any woman anywhere could ever see. It had the traditional wedding dress style of these 1990’s with its long sleeves and puffed shoulders and much embellishment and Basque waistline and long train. But what it had in its back was a feature that only Flaurie could have thought of, and for which Allyson agreed upon at once. The wedding bride’s dress had one hundred buttons to button up all along the back from neckline to her bottom! And today, Flaurie had the honor of buttoning up all one hundred buttons as she helped the wedding bride to dress up today to wear before the wedding. As for the maid of honor, she was dressed in a bridesmaid’s dress full of white acetate of a white sheen. One could also call this bridesmaid’s dress a “prom gown”
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or a “prom dress.” This could be used interchangeably. Her bridesmaid’s dress was of a white bodice and a white skirt portion that reached to just below the knees and a white little jacket with padded shoulders and long sleeves. This was the style for such bridesmaid’s dresses here in the 1990’s.
Allyson’s full name was “Allyson Alicia Ally.” Flaurie’s full name was “Flaurie Flossey Threepennies.” They resembled each other in face and in form, but they were not twins; nor were they regular sisters.
“You look beautiful, Allyson,” said Flaurie. “I wish that I had your dress.”
“You look good today in your dress, too, Flaurie,” said Allyson. “I would love to put on your dress someday.”
“I would have to zip you up then,” said Flaurie about Allyson putting on her maid of honor’s dress.
”And I would have to button you up.” said Allyson about Flaurie putting on her bridal dress.
“Your Proffery is a handsome fellow,” said Flaurie.
“So is your Flanders,” said Allyson.
Flaurie and Flanders, girlfriend and boyfriend, were both born-again believers living for God. Allyson and Proffery, prospective bride and groom, were not born-again Christians, however.
Allyson spoke and said, “Proffery and I had a quarrel yesterday.”
“You did?” asked Flaurie.
“Yeah,” said Allyson in sorrow.
“That was not your first fight, Allyson,” said Flaurie.
“There were others before that one,” said Allyson.
“What were you fighting about?” asked Flaurie.
“We disagreed on our shoes that we were going to wear on our wedding,” said Allyson. “But it was I who kind of started it.”
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“What did you say?” asked Flaurie.
“Well, first of all, he said that he will wear a white suit. But then he asked me if he should wear his black penny loafers or his brown penny loafers for the wedding. But I told him that he should wear white penny loafers to go with his white suit. And he said that there are no such things as white penny loafers. And I kind of said to him, ‘Then find some.’ But I said it in a snap. And he snapped back at me a little retort about how I should wear stiletto heels instead of block heels for my white pumps at our wedding. He’s still not talking to me. But then neither am I quite yet talking to him.”
“When Flanders and I disagree, we do not actually come to a quarrel. But even if we do not agree in the end, we still do not stop talking to each other. And a kiss and a hug between us always does great things to our reconciliations.,” said the Christian Flaurie Threepennies.
“Could you help me and Proffery out so that we don’t have to go to the altar mad at each other?” asked Allyson.
“Try my way,” suggested Flaurie.
“A kiss and a hug?” asked Allyson.
“Good old-fashioned romance can mend many fights if you let it,’ said Flaurie.
“Sometimes we get into fights even when we share this ‘good old-fashioned romance’ between ourselves, Flaurie,” said Allyson.
“You both need the Holy Spirit,” said Flaurie.
“That’s Who you both have,” said Miss Ally. “Neither Proffery nor I have Him inside of us.”
“That’s because neither one of you are born again,” said Flaurie. And she went on to recite a verse about the Holy Spirit’s indwelling of all true born-again believers upon the moment of conversion: “It is written, ‘But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in
my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.’ John 14:26,”
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“Like forgiveness, which neither I nor Proffery have a lot of to give,” confessed Allyson.
“Flanders and I give forgiveness and ask for forgiveness between each other. I heard it said by one married couple at my church that that is the key to their marriage. They both are born-again Christians, too, like Flanders and myself, boyfriend-and-girlfriend-in-the-Lord.” said Flaurie Threepennies.
“Tell me another verse about your Holy Spirit that you and Flanders have that I and Proffery do not have,” said Allyson Ally.
“It is written,” began Flaurie, “’Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come.’ John 16:13.”
“I have no idea what truth is,” said Allyson.
“Jesus says in John 14:6, ‘…, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.’” quoted Flaurie from the Bible again to her best friend Allyson.
“Flaurie, you know things that I do not, and you always will,” said Allyson.
“I so pray that you find out these things so for yourself, too,” said Flaurie Threepennies.
At this same time, the two best friends who were men were on a get-together at the prospective bridegroom’s place in Neenah. They were lounging around and watching the Green Bay Packers playing the Chicago Bears on TV in Proffery’s living room. “The oldest rivalry in the N.F.L.” said Flanders.
“For over seventy-five years,” said Proffery.
Then Flanders found a big hardcover book opened upon the table, with a title on the open page reading, “Appendix III—A Glossary of Wedding Dress Fabrics.”
“What do you make of that, Flanders?” asked Proffery, seeing him looking in upon this book.
“It sounds kind of neat,” said Flanders.
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“You know how I like to see brides and all,” said Proffery. “My Allyson, of course, will be the most beautiful of all wedding brides.”
“I like wedding brides, too,” said Flanders.
“That end of the big book that you are looking at tell all about twenty-nine different types of fabrics that they make wedding dresses out of,” said Proffery.
“I thought that all wedding gowns were made of silk,” said Flanders.
“Not so,” said Proffery. “You should see the words in this little glossary and how the words are defined.”
“I need to read these real neat words for these real neat materials,” said Flanders.
“The words are as pretty as their wedding dresses,” said Proffery. “Go ahead and read. I already read all of that many times over and have felt good things in my heart for my coming wedding bride on our big day.”
“I have to do that,” said Flanders in great anticipation and excitement.
“But would you read them out loud?” asked Proffery. “I want to hear them this time instead of just to see them.”
And Flanders went on to read out loud for the both of them the following from this enticing glossary:
“Batiste: A lightweight, soft, transparent fabric.
Brocade: A Jacquard-woven fabric with raised designs; traditionally
popular for fall and winter, now also worn in warmer weather.
Charmeuse: A lightweight, semi-lustrous soft fabric, that is satin-like
to the touch.
Chiffon: Delicate, sheer, and transparent, made from silk or rayon, with
a soft finish, often layered because of its transparency, making
it popular for over-skirts, sheer sleeves, and wraps.
Crepe: A light soft and thin fabric with a crinkled surface.
Damask: Similar to brocade with raised designs, but woven in a much
lighter weight.
Duchesse Satin: A lightweight hybrid of silk and rayon (or polyester)
woven into a satin finish.
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Dupioni: A finish similar to shantung, but with thicker, coarser fibers,
and a slight sheen.
Faille: A structured, ribbed finish like grosgrain ribbon; usually quite
substantial.
Gabardine: A tightly woven firm and durable finish, with single diagonal
lines on the face.
Georgette: A sheer lightweight fabric often made of polyester or silk with
a crepe finish.
Illusion: A fine sheer fabric generally used on sleeves or necklines.
Jersey: A very elastic knit fabric; the face has lengthwise ribs, and the
underside has crosswise ribs.
Moire: A heavy silk taffeta with a subtle wavy design.
Organdy: A stiff, transparent fabric.
Organza: Crisp and sheer like chiffon, with a stiffer texture, similar
in effect to tulle, but more flowing; popular for skirts,
sleeves, backs, and overlays.
Peau De Soie: A soft satin-faced high quality cloth with a dull luster,
fine ribs, and a grainy appearance.
Pique: A knit fabric with a waffle-weave appearance, pique has distinct
sides; the outside resembles a honeycomb, or waffle, and the
underside is fine and smooth.
Polyester: An inexpensive man-made fiber that can be woven into just
about anything, including duchesse satin.
Rayon: Similar to silk, but more elastic and affordable.
Satin: A heavy, smooth fabric with a high sheen on one side; very common
in bridal gowns.
Silk: The most sought-after, cherished fiber in wedding dresses (and also
the most expensive). There are several types with different textures;
raw silk and silk mikado are just two examples.
Silk Gazar: A four-ply silk organza.
Silk Mikado: A brand of blended silk, usually heavier than 100-percent
silk.
Silk-Faced Satin: A smooth silk satin with a glossy front and matte back.
Shantung: Similar to raw silk, shantung is characterized by its ribbed
texture.
Taffeta: Crisp and smooth with a slight rib.
Tulle: Netting made of silk nylon or rayon; used primarily for skirts
and vests (think ballerina tutus).
Velvet: A soft thick fabric with a felted face and plain underside.”
“Sexy!” said Proffery after this summary.
“Romantic!” said Flanders about these same words and their respective definitions.
“My wedding bride is dressed in silk,” said Proffery.
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“The most sought-after, cherished fiber in wedding dresses,” repeated Flanders from his reading, “And also the most expensive.”
“My wedding bride deserves the dress she longed for,” said Proffery of this bridal dress with one hundred buttons.
“It was handmade,” Flanders bragged on Proffery’s generosity for paying for it all himself.
“I care for Allyson,” said Proffery.
“I haven’t seen you on your big motorcycle lately, Proffery,” said Flanders.
“It’s gone now,” Proffery said.
“What became of it?” asked Flanders.
“I sold it,” Proffery said. “And I am happy for that.”
“You loved your motorcycle,” said Flanders.
“I love Allyson more,” said Proffery.
And Flanders understood. His best friend had sold his dear motorcycle to buy his fiancée the unique wedding dress that both of them had fallen in love with.
It was the next day. Allyson and Proffery were on a date at the Elisha D. Smith Public Library in her Menasha. With a kiss and a hug and lots of apologizing and forgiveness, the wedding bride and the wedding bridegroom reconciled with each other. And they were looking at big catalog-sized magazines called, “Bridal Guide” and “Brides” and “Modern Bride” at the table in the magazine section of the library. After shuffling through hundreds of pages of brides, Allyson said, “None of these wedding gowns are at all like the one you got me, Proffery.”
“Are you glad for that, Allyson?” he asked.
“Ours is the best,” she said in thanksgiving to him.
“I do wish that we could have gone over those magazines just now a little faster,” he said then.
“I was wishing that we could have gone over them a little slower,” she said back at him.
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“I was getting excited over the next bridal picture, and you kept me waiting,” he said.
“I was trying to get a good look at the prior bridal picture, and you didn’t give me enough time,” she said to him.
“There’s a word about you, Allyson,” he said.
“What is it, Proffery?” she asked him.
And he said, “Dilatory.”
“Well, there’s a word about you, Proffery,” said the wedding bride-to-be.
“Tell me,” he said to her.
And she said to him, “Hasty.”
The librarian came up to them and said to them, “Please be quiet. This is the library.”
They quit their verbal fight. But they continued their hard feelings against each other in their hearts. They were sitting next to each other on the table. But now they both got up and went to separate tables to get away from each other. They sat apart, sometimes looking at each other with unforgiveness, and often times making sure to turn away from each other so as to not see their faces.
And neither spoke another word to each other for a discomfiting half an hour. Proffery refused to make up with any apologies. Allyson refused to make up with any kisses or hugs. Then Proffery got up, said not a word, and left the library. Alone in the library, Allyson went back to the bridal magazines to admire others’ wedding dresses in an effort to console her anger toward her groom-to-be. After a part of an hour of admiring bridal gowns at her own pace, the wedding bride felt better. And she no longer felt bitterness to Proffery.
Then the wedding bride found a whole page of one big ad. It was a whole list of wondrous bridal boutiques. She gazed upon this most dreamy page in the bridal magazine. It gave a list of over two dozen wedding dress shops throughout New England and other parts of the east coast of her United States. It told the names of these little shops and their cities and their states. She counted twenty-seven
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of them, and all of them had romantic and magical names to their businesses that stirred her feelings as a wedding bride dressed thus. The following list is a summary of what made Allyson Alicia Ally happy finally after having had another big fight with Proffery Coins:
“1. Kleinfeld, New York, New York
2. Jaehee Bridal Atelier, Englewood, New Jersey
3. Lotus Bridal Long Island, Mineola, New York
4. I Do I Do, Morristown, New Jersey
5. Castle Couture, Englishtown, New Jersey
6. White House Bride, Readington Township, New Jersey
7. Sayville Bridal, Sayville, New York
8. Lamb’s Hill Bridal Boutique, Beacon, New York
9. House Of Bridal, Richboro, Pennsylvania
10. Laura and Leigh Bridal, Cherry Hill, New Jersey
11. The Wedding Factor, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12. L’Fay Bridal, Speelsville, Pennsylvania
13. The Wedding Shoppe, Wayne, Pennsylvania
14. The White Dress By The Shore, Clinton, Connecticut
15. Mariella Creations, Rocky Hill, Connecticut
16. Love Story By Angela’s Bridal, Troy, New York
17. Ever After, Endicott, New York
18. Ivory, A Bridal Boutique, East Greenwich, Rhode Island
19. Alexandra’s Boutique, Fall River, Massachusetts
20. Brook And June Bridal, Chester, Maryland
21. Love It At Stella’s Bridal And Fashions, Westminster, Maryland
22. VOWS Bridal, Watertown, Massachusetts
23. Boston Bridal Atelier, Andover, Massachusetts
24. Ellie’s Bridal, Alexandria, Virginia
25. Madeleine’s Daughter, Portsmouth, New Hampshire
26. Heart To Heart Bride, Webster, New York
27. Ava Laurenne Bride, Fredericksburgh, Virginia”
She then began to think about the boyfriend-and-girlfriend-in-Christ relationship between her best friend and Proffery’s best friend. Flanders and Flaurie were both born-again Christians, and they did not break up and come back together all of the time. Nay, they got along with each other just fine.
And he loved her and led her. And she bowed before him and built him up. It was Flaurie who had told her that that was the secret to a good Christian marriage—that the husband love the wife and that the wife submit herself to her husband. She said that that was in the Bible in Ephesians chapter five.
Maybe a saved husband would love better than an unsaved husband could. Maybe a saved wife was
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better at deferring to her husband than an unsaved wife were. Indeed Flaurie’s Flanders was a hunk. Maybe not quite so much as her own Proffery was, though. And Flaurie did tell her that her Proffery looked like a prince, too, to herself. Even though she saw her own Flanders even more like a dauphin. How good it would be to see Proffery again. How good it would be if he felt the same way for her right now after this big rift. She brooded and grieved both at the same time. Maybe it was her turn this time to go and say, “I’m sorry.” In decision she stood up and began to walk to the library door to go outside and look for her groom and to say, “I’m sorry, Proffery,” to him. Just then in came walking Proffery Coins. He smiled at her, and he said, “I’m sorry, Allyson.” And she smiled at him and did say, “I’m sorry, Proffery.” And they kissed and hugged in forgiveness.
Then that same librarian came up to them again and said again, “Madam, sir, this is the library.
Please do not talk so loud in here. People are reading.”
And with a jolly laugh, the wedding bride and the wedding bridegroom left the library. It was as if they had not fought this day. Hopefully something like another quarrel would not happen between them now before the wedding.
Flanders and Flaurie were on a date again at their park—Hart Park in Menasha. They were both on the playground equipment that was called “a gate.” She was on the safer and nearer side of the gate next to the post. He was on the riskier and farther side of the gate at its outer edge farther away from the post. Between the two of them, with their feet they got this gate going very fast around and around the post. Flaurie, giggling in delights of dizziness, had to hold on to the metal horizontal bar with both hands. And Flanders, also enjoying this giddiness, was holding on the bar with both hands, and his feet became airborne, his feet sliding off of the little platform at the bottom.
“Weeee!” called forth Flaurie as she said oftentimes on roller coasters.
“Whoa!” said Flanders in happy delights of disorientation.
After a while of this game at the gate, the two quit pushing with their feet, and let it gradually
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slow down, and waited not long for it to stop.
Hand-in-hand they walked to the nearest picnic table, sober, but staggering like unto drunkards, because of the much rapid spinning on the gate. When they sat down at this picnic table the happy dizziness in their heads was clearing up. And soon they had all of their senses back in their heads.
“Ha ha ha,” said Flaurie.
“He he he,” said Flanders.
Then they relived that first magical day together for the both of them. That day was Christmas Eve some years ago. That was the day both in which they had first met and in which they had become born-again Christians. Their romance and their salvation had both begun on Christmas Eve in the falling snow at this very park.
Flanders was a loner who opposed Christ and who never found a girlfriend to make him happy.
Flaurie claimed agnosticism and denied atheism and who was lonely without the right man at her side.
They came together for their first time at this very gate. In fact it was a bad accident for Flanders that happened at this gate that first brought Flaurie up to him. The snow was on the ground.
The snow was falling from the sky in big gentle flakes. And the snow filled the branches of the trees and the bushes all throughout this park. This was Hart Park, and it lay between the Red Owl Store and Ralph’s penny candy store. Flanders was alone on the gate, and he had it going around faster than he ever had it–even in the summer times. He was wearing buckle rubber boots over his shoes. And he had on his winter coat and his hat and his mittens. And he was holding on fairly tight to the bar across the top of the gate. Then he saw a beautiful young woman not far away with beautiful eyes of black and with wild frizzy hair falling around her head like a fairy’s. He lifted up one hand from the bar to wave to her. With one hand left on the bar, he kept his hand raised before her, and he said to her, “Merry Christmas, Miss.”
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She smiled right back to him and said in like, “Merry Christmas, Sir.”
Suddenly his boots slid off of the slippery flakes of snow that covered the narrow wooden platform of the gate as he was spinning so very rapidly. And he fell on his bottom upon the ground.
And where he fell he missed the spinning gate, and he was now in the way of the gate’s next rotation, and this wooden gate struck him hard in the back of his head where he sat. He was knocked out. And he fell back supine. And the gate stopped immediately.
Flaurie saw this terrible accident happen to a man to whom she was instantly attracted. She ran up to where he lay. He looked like he may have been dead. He was definitely unconscious. Then she saw the local Baptist pastor in town with his usher giving out their tracts again at this park. This always happened on Saturdays. Today was Saturday. She called out to these friendly soul-winners and said, “Help!” And they saw her and the fallen man by the gate. And they trudged through the snow in their boots to help.
“What happened?” asked the Baptist Pastor.
“He was swinging; then he slipped off; then he got hit in the head,” she said.
“Is he saved?” asked the Baptist usher.
“Do you mean as in born-again, like you two?” asked Flaurie.
“Yes,” said the Baptist usher.
“I don’t know,” said Flaurie. “I am not a believer. He probably is not, either. There are not a lot of you Christians out there in the world.”
“He might need Christ, Pastor,” said the Baptist usher.
“And you, too, young lady,” said the Baptist pastor.
“What about my gentleman?” cried out Flaurie Threepennies. “His head is bleeding.”
The Baptist usher rushed to the payphone in the park some way away, and he called for an ambulance. The Baptist pastor stayed here to tend to the two and to be of comfort to the woman.
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Then the fellow whom Flaurie liked opened his eyes and came to where he lay on his back in the snow. The first thing he said was. “Ah, I am still alive, and I see a stunning woman with a stunning head.”
And she said, “And I see a knight in shining armor with a bad head wound, but I like him anyway.” She could not suppress a laugh at herself in this troubled time of concern.
“I’ll be okay, pretty woman,” said this man.
Then the Baptist pastor, in this interim before the ambulance came, went on to preach the plan of salvation according to the Holy Bible to man and woman alike at this gate. And very soon, he was leading the both of them through the sinners’ prayer unto so very great salvation. Then the good Baptist usher came back from that payphone and heard the good news from the Baptist pastor, that two more souls got saved on today’s Saturday Morning Visitation at the park.
“Amen, Pastor! Great job!” said the Baptist usher.
“Thank you, Brother Gary,” said the Baptist pastor.
Then the ambulance came. Flaurie asked if she could ride with Flanders in the ambulance, and the paramedics consented to this. The two new born-again Christians thanked the pastor for having led them to salvation and thanked the usher for having called the ambulance. Then Flaurie and Flanders rode together to the emergency room. And they never were apart ever since. And this was how they had become instant boyfriend-and-girlfriend-in-Christ.
It was now just a couple days before the wedding of Proffery and Allyson. Flanders and Flaurie doubted together with misgivings that the marriage would last with the engaged couple lost in their sins. Worse yet, these best friends of Flanders and Flaurie were on the road to Hell itself if they continued rejecting Christ in their lives. As for the born again dating couple, their relationship was strengthened by the Holy Spirit Who indwelt the both of them. And they knew that they themselves had a Home in Heaven waiting for them. All born again people do. And together in a prayer meeting, Flanders and Flaurie decided in the Lord to try one last time to witness to their best friends one last
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time before the wedding. So Flanders got alone with Proffery at Valley Fair Mall in Menasha on a bench in the open hallway, and Flaurie got alone with Allyson at the miniature golf course close to Shopko on Appleton Road.
Flanders began, “Best friend, I am scared for you.”
“Do you still believe that I am a bad guy who is going to burn?” asked Proffery not offended.
The compassion and kindness of Flanders as a soul-winner in his life had won many to Christ. But his most important soul—Proffery’s soul–was still not one of them.
“Alas, there is no good way to tell somebody that they are going to Hell. But I say it in love, O good friend,” said Flanders.
“I can tell that you care, Flanders,” said Proffery.
“I am not this good guy any more than you are a bad guy,” said Flanders searching for words.
“You and I are only an unbeliever and a believer.”
“I do not understand my need for the Saviour,” said Proffery.
“Alas, the Devil does good work,” lamented Flanders.
“The Devil is in on this with me?” asked Proffery.
“Yes,” said Flanders. “The Devil keeps the unsaved bored and offended at the same time when it comes to seeking Christ. He is my worst enemy and your spiritual father.”
“You’re saying that Satan blinds my eyes to the truth of Christ, Aren’t you?” asked Proffery.
“He blinds all unsaved from seeing their need for the Saviour,” said Flanders.
“What would the old Devil want with my soul?” asked Proffery.
“He knows that, when his time comes, that he will be cast into the lake of fire by God Almighty.
And this Devil wants to bring as many people with him down there as he can,” said Flanders.
“What can Satan gain from that?” asked Proffery.
“He can get revenge upon the Creator for having created mankind in His image, all humankind
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everywhere made to glorify and praise and honor God with their free will. Because Satan became
filled with pride in the origins of creation, he rebelled against God as the Sovereign Over All. He and one-third of the angels declared a revolution in the Heavens against God Almighty. And they were all cast out of Heaven down to the skies of Earth. This Lucifer desired that all worship be given to himself and not to God. He hates people, because they are made a little lower than the angels. And he knows that he himself was once the prince of angels. And these fallen angels cannot go back to Heaven. Nor can they get saved. Salvation is offered only to mankind and womankind and children. He’s jealous.”
“I’m not afraid of him,” said Proffery.
“Not afraid of Satan, or not afraid of God?” asked Flanders.
“Not afraid of either one,” said Proffery. And Proffery said no more. And Flanders said no more. The door was closing with finality upon Proffery’s reception of Flanders’s many little sermons.
As for the women best friends, Flaurie said to Allyson, “Do you love to play miniature golf with me as I do you?”
“I do, You know I do,” said Allyson.
“I will be playing miniature golf, I believe, where I am going after this life,” Flaurie said tentatively.
“You’re trying to say that I will not be playing miniature golf where I am going,” said Allyson. “Am I right in your hint?”
“Uh huh,” said Flaurie.
“What a thing to say to your best friend,” said Allyson.
“I care about you, Allyson,” said Flaurie.
“I know. I know,” said the wedding bride. “And I love you for caring for me.”
“At the Great White Throne, God will show you all of the times I talked to you about Jesus and how you kept saying, ‘No,’ to Him,” said wise Flaurie.
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“At this Great White Throne…will God play back for me today’s miniature golf game and how you again tell me about Christ and how I again say, ‘No’ to Him?” asked the wedding bride.
“And then you will understand,” cried out Flaurie. “And it will then befall you to leave the burning Hell and go to the even hotter lake of fire.”
“You make that sound positively dreadful, Flaurie,” said Allyson.
“There shall be dread all over your face, and I cry to think about it,” said Flaurie.
“’Dread’ is a strong word. Don’t say that to me,” said Allyson.
“It will be a look worse than dread. It will be a look of dread dread,” said Flaurie, weeping for the wedding bride.
“Please don’t cry, wonderful Flaurie,” said Allyson. “I’ll be okay. And do stop talking about that stuff for now on.”
“I shall keep praying for you, best friend,” said Flaurie, sniffling and wiping her eyes. It looked now that the door was now shut from any further witnessing to the wedding bride. And Flaurie now had to leave Allyson’s soul in God’s hands. Perhaps He would be more convincing to Allyson than was herself. The Holy Spirit had convicted Flaurie that day of ago with her own salvation. He could convict Allyson someday yet with her own day of salvation, too.
It was now the day before the wedding. And Allyson and Proffery got together at a bar in Appleton on the main road through the downtown. The wedding bride was dressed as the wedding bride. And the bridegroom was dressed as the bridegroom. He took one look at her in the bar, and he said, “It is bad luck for the groom to see the bride the day before the wedding.”
“You have seen me in this several times before today, Proffery,” said the wedding bride.
“Ha ha ha!” he said to her. “Just flirting.”
“I do say that it should be bad luck for the bride to see the groom before the wedding day,” said Allyson.
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“I have not put on my bridegroom’s suit for you until today, you know,” he said in some curtness.
“Just flirting,” she said to him. “Ha ha ha!” There was sarcasm to her utterance and to her laugh.
“My wedding bride dresses pretty, but she does not talk pretty,” said Proffery.
“Is it my voice, Proffery?” asked Allyson.
“It is your words,” he said back to her.
“Is it my face, too?” she asked in challenge.
“It’s not your face, too,” he said. “Your face is just fine.”
“I am just fine?” she asked point-blank.
“Let’s just say that I am glad for what I spent on your bridal gown,” he said.
“But that you would not spend two cents for my face,” she said in ire.
“You went to the salon and got a butch haircut on your head yesterday,” he said to her. “You know how I like my woman to have long hair. Flanders told me that in the Bible it is a sin for a woman to have short hair.”
“I do not have short hair, Proffery,” said the wedding bride. “It is still very long.”
“You look like a man to me now, Allyson,” said Proffery.
“Does it not still go down to my shoulders?” asked Allyson Ally.
“It used to go down to below your shoulders,” said Proffery Coins.
“Flaurie told me the same thing from the Bible that Flanders told you, Proffery,” said the wedding bride. “And I have always kept my hair long—just as you like it and just as I like it.”
“Put it back,” he said madly.
“Put it back?” she asked in confusion.
“Yes, woman. Take that hair that you cut off of your beautiful strawberry blond hair and put it
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back on your head where it belongs,” he said in a mania.
“What about yourself, Proffery?” asked the wedding bride.
“My hair is plenty long,” he said.
“It’s even longer than mine,” she said.
“I like it that way,” he said.
“But I might not like it that way,” said Allyson.
“What’s not to like about my hair, woman?” he asked sternly.
“Flaurie says that it is a sin for a man to have long hair, and that that’s in the Bible,” said the wedding bride.
“Who cares what the Bible says?” he asked. “That meddling Flanders went and told me the same thing.”
“You look like a woman,” said Allyson in untruth.
“No woman has a beard and a mustache like mine,” he yelled at her. “I’m a he-man!”
“You look like a biker,” she said to him
“I look like a biker,” he repeated her words.
“Like a rough and tough motorcycle dude,” she said to him.
“I used to be a biker,” he said in bitterness.
“And you looked rough and tough,” she said.
“And now my motorcycle is out of my life,” he said.
“I like a man who does not drive a motorcycle,” she said in blatant untruth.
And Proffery told the wedding bride for his first time, “I sold the bike to buy your wedding dress, wench!”
This shut up any further words from Allyson Alicia Ally. And in a rage of temper Proffery Rule Coins went and slapped the wedding bride across her face where she was sitting upon the stool next to
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him at the bar counter. And all in the bar saw it.
The bartender said to Proffery, “Hey, buddy. I think that you have had too many to drink tonight.”
“I do not drink alcoholic beverages,” said Proffery in truth. “I have had no drinks today.”
On the bar counter before him were three empty mugs of lemon-lime pop. On the counter before Allyson were three empty mugs of grapefruit pop.
Allyson was crying. Proffery was fuming. The bar patrons were angry.
For his own protection, seeing all of those angry looks, Proffery at once walked out of the bar, leaving his wedding bride alone in the bar, and he went back home to Neenah.
The bartender said to her, “Lady, you have a bad way with men. Maybe you should go home. Men are looking at you in this bar.”
The wedding bride looked out across the bar full of men. And they had lascivious looks toward her in their faces. She felt threatened, alone with all of these guys. And she left this bar, herself, for her own good. And she drove back home to Menasha.
Alone in Neenah, Proffery began to see himself the same way that righteous Flanders saw him.
He was not fit to be a husband to any lady. Tonight was the first time that he had ever raised his hand upon Allyson. He was a bad man going to Hell to pay for what he had done to his wedding bride.
In fact he was going to Hell and burn in fire for every unkind thought, word, deed that he had committed against fair Allyson. He felt great remorse over having hurt Miss Ally so badly this evening. And this time no reconciliation could come upon them. Only God could bring them back together, and neither he nor she knew God the way that Flanders and Flaurie knew God. What was going to happen tomorrow? Would the wedding bride stand him up at the altar? Would he stand the wedding bride up at the altar? Between the two of them, he had taken a sweet romance of engagement and ruined it before the wedding. And he knew his own wretchedness as a wicked and lost sinner.
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And he hated himself and loved the wedding bride.
Alone in Menasha, Allyson was having second thoughts now of the wedding that was to take place at the justice’s of the peace office. But it was not the groom whom she doubted to be worthy there. It was herself whom she doubted to be worthy there. Because of her own wedding dress, her bridegroom had sacrificed his precious motorcycle just for herself. And she had not even known. She should have known from that very first day that he drove up to her in his pickup truck for his first time. He disliked pickup trucks. He loved his big motorcycle. And the wedding bride knew that her best friend Flaurie deserved a groom a lot more than she herself did. Flaurie was good and Godly and full of the Holy Spirit all of the time. And Allyson was rude and quarrelsome and ungrateful. Truly did Proffery deserve a better woman than herself as a wedding bride. She was a spiteful lost sinner destined for Hell for all of her bad things that she did and for all of those good things that she did not in her life as Proffery’s girlfriend. And whatever torments that she must suffer down in Hell to come, she deserved all of them. She was wicked, just like the Devil and his demons.
It was the wedding bride’s big wedding day. It was taking place in the justice’s of the peace office at the Appleton City Hall. He was there. She was there. Flanders was there. Flaurie was there.
Allyson had on her wedding dress with the one hundred buttons (Flaurie had buttoned her up for her).
The groom Proffery had on his white suit—a white top hat and a white long-sleeved dress shirt and a white tie and a white tuxedo jacket and a white vest and white pants and a white belt and white socks and white dress shoes. The maid of honor Flaurie had on her shiny white bridesmaid’s dress full of sleek acetate. And the best man Flanders had on a groomsman’s white suit and tie and all with a white cummerbund.
At this ceremony the wedding bride and her wedding groom did not look upon each other much.
And whenever she stole a glance at Proffery, he quickly turned away. And whenever he stole a glance at Allyson, she quickly turned away. Both were still angry at themselves and at each other. This little
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ritual they both endured for this wedding’s first half-hour. Then the justice of the peace spoke and said,
“If any man or woman has any objections to the marriage of this man and this woman, speak up now or forever hold your peace.”
Simultaneously the wedding bride and her groom both said a firm, “I do!”
“My good people, it is not time for you two to say, ‘I do.’” said the justice of the peace in misunderstanding. “You must not say, ‘I do,’ until just before I officially marry you two.”
“I do!” said the two at once again.
And the justice of the peace understood now. He asked to make sure, “You both say, ‘I do,’ not to the wedding vow, but, rather in objection to this marriage. Is that so?”
“She’s a female dog,” said Proffery.
“And he’s a big bear,” said Allyson.
“My my,” said the justice of the peace, perplexed.
“I shall not marry my wedding bride, sir,” said Proffery.
“I shall not have this groom to become my husband,” said Allyson.
“What’s a justice of the peace to do?” asked the judge in confusion.
Flanders and Flaurie looked at each other. They looked at the justice of the peace. They both said at once, “I do, sir.”
“Good best man, good maid of honor, now is not the time to state objections to this marriage of Proffery and Allyson. It seems to have been disannuled,” said the justice of the peace in perturbation.
“No, sir,” said the both of them. “I do.”
In enlightenment, the justice of the peace asked them both, “Do you both mean, ‘I do’ as in marrying each other and not as in stating objections to this marriage between Proffery and Allyson?”
“We do,” said Flaurie and Flanders.
“This is a crazy world I live in,” said the justice of the peace, somewhat vexed by this most
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surprising turn of events.
“Yes, sir. We want to get married,” said the maid of honor.
“Right now, if we could,” said the best man.
The wedding bride said, “Flaurie, I can’t believe all of this.” Allyson, nonetheless, was well-pleased for her best friend.
And the bridegroom said to his best friend in accord, “Flanders, you’re crazy.”
So, today, at this justice’s of the peace office, the maid of honor and the best man became the bride and the groom. Furthermore, as it turned out, the original wedding bride and original bridegroom became the new maid of honor and the new best man. And all four were happy.
Put out, the justice of the peace said, “I will never forget this day. I tell you.”
Flaurie then said, “If only I had a wedding dress to put on.”
And her best friend spoke up and said, “You can have mine, O Flaurie.”
Both women were the same height and the same weight—both somewhat tall and quite slim.
“Oh, could I, Allyson?” asked Flaurie.
“I’d love for you to have this,” said Allyson.
“What a wedding bride I will make in that, O Allyson,” sang out Flaurie in joy.
“But what can I put on as your maid of honor?” asked Allyson. “I like your bridesmaid’s dress a lot, you know.”
“I give you my bridesmaid’s dress, O best friend,” said Flaurie.
“Thank you. Thank you, O Flaurie,” said Allyson.
“Where can we women go and change, sir?” asked Flaurie Threepennies the justice of the peace.
“Crazy dames,” said the judge in puzzlement. And he pointed to a women’s restroom out in the hallway not far from this office.
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At once the two young women skipped to the restroom to take off their original attire and to put on their new attire. Only this time it was Allyson buttoning up the one hundred buttons of the wedding bride’s dress upon Flaurie. And this time it was Flaurie zipping up the zipper of the bridesmaid’s dress upon Allyson.
The two men looked at each other, and they felt obliged to do the same thing. Proffery and Flanders were both the same size as each other—both short and somewhat thin for men. And, reading their thoughts, the justice of the peace said to them, “Gentlemen, the men’s restroom is next to the women’s restroom, also out in the hall.”
And the men left the office and exchanged white suits for the purpose of today’s surprise wedding. And the four all came back to the judge’s office. And the justice of the peace, mellowing out now, said, “I think that all of this will turn out for the good, ladies and gentlemen.” And the four all agreed with nods of their heads.
For a wedding vow at the altar, Flaurie Threepennies said to Flanders, “Oh, the ways of our Good Lord, my groom, to bring us together in matrimony in this way that He did. Who would have thought that I would this day be wearing this dress in this moment with its one hundred buttons?
And the man that I am marrying is a lot like our Lord in your Christian love for me, finest Flanders.
As I have been to you as your girlfriend-in-Christ, may I ever on be to you as your wedding-bride-in-Christ. I will make myself a good wife for you. And I will be a good old-fashioned stay-at-home wife.
God is honored by the woman who does not go out and establish herself as a career woman. I will be your ever-faithful help meet. And I will take care of you and of the house and yard and of our children if God does bring us children from my womb. I promise this, dear Flanders, ever and anon.”
Then Flanders gave his wedding vow at this altar, saying to his wedding bride, “I came here to stand by my best friend Proffery. And I will instead leave here as your husband, dear stunning Flaurie.
What wild and crazy and wonderful and terrific things happen to us believers when we let God run
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our lives. Who can be happier than a bride marrying a bridegroom? I answer duly, ‘a bridegroom marrying a bride.’ You as my new wedding bride are unto me a true fairy princess bride, fair and comely Flaurie. In your life in all things, I see a woman whose first love is Jesus. And I love to be second in your life to Christ. I will love you for now on much like our Chief Shepherd loves the church. We shall continue to read our Bibles together, to pray together, to go to church together. And I will work hard at my job to provide us both with a house and a garage and a car. Maybe even get a dog or two for the both of us, Flaurie. And if God gives us children, I will be a good father to them. And this is my promise to you from this point on to the day we get raptured.”
The justice of the peace then went on to proclaim, “This day, by the authority given me by the state of Wisconsin, I now pronounce you, Flanders Arckery Nickels and Flaurie Allyson Threepennies, to be husband and wife. You and the wedding bride may kiss.”
And Flanders Nickels and Flaurie Nickels went and had their first kiss in their lives together.
All caught up in this magic of romance of this purely spontaneous wedding, Proffery called out, “I want to become a Christian!”
And Allyson, following suit, went on to say, “And I want to become a believer, too!”
Neither one nor the other had ever said such a thing before. And here now they both said it together. And right away Flanders got alone with his best friend, and to his joy he finally saw this day where salvation had finally come to Proffery. And at this same time, Flaurie got alone with Allyson, her best friend, and she was able to get her saved, as well. Finally, this woman found Christ.
The new wedding bride said to the original wedding bride, “You are now a born-again Christian like myself, O Allyson.”
“I suddenly feel happy in life now,” said Allyson.
“It is called, ‘the joy of the Lord,’” said Flaurie.
And Flanders said to Proffery, “You are now a born-again believer on the road to Heaven,
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Brother.”
“Best friend, you never called me ‘Brother’ before,” said Proffery. “I liked that.”
“You are now my fellow saint,” said Flanders about Proffery’s conversion to Christ. “Now I can call you my brother.”
Then the two converts looked upon each other, both with the love of the Holy Spirit in their eyes. And they knew what each other were thinking. They would go and get around to being married.
The Holy Ghost that indwelt the both of them now would be a Sustainer to their marriage that would keep them together and that would keep them from their much quarrels that they had used to get into as a lost couple.
And Proffery said to the others, “My Allyson and I are thinking that maybe it is time that we get married, as well. We now have strength and love and wisdom from God to keep our marriage together.
And we will argue over little things no more.”
And Allyson did say, “He’s right. We love each other now for real this time. And our new Saviour made that so for the both of us.”
And they all agreed to go through the wedding ceremony that they had annulled in their lost lives. But Allyson, for the sake of practicality, did not ask her best friend to exchange dresses with her. Nor did Proffery ask his best friend to exchange suits with him. Comfortable in her white prom gown, and comfortable in his white suit with the cummerbund, Allyson Alicia Ally and Proffery Rule Coins got married this day and became husband-and-wife-in-the-Lord.”
And the two wedding brides then ran off with their wedding grooms on their own personal honeymoons right away. Left behind in his office, the justice of the peace saw a little tract left on his desk from Flanders Nickels. This little booklet talked about salvation. And this justice of the peace read this, became convicted of his sins and of his need for the Saviour, and prayed the sinner’s prayer on the back of the tract and got saved himself, as well.
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A week later, after both honeymoons ended, and the married couples came back to their twin cities of Neenah and Menasha, the four got together at Flanders’s and Flaurie’s church down the road not far. It was called, “Fox Cities’ Baptist Church.” And tonight they were attending Friday Evening Fellowship, a special weekly time for fellowship and chat and fun among the Baptist flock from seven o’clock to nine o’clock. And right away they began to play the God-honoring game of “Pass the Praise” that Baptists so enjoyed. Though he was new to this flock–indeed he and his new wife were first-time visitors to this good church–Proffery started first. He said, “I praise God for taking my temper away from me. I used to get really mad when things went wrong. But I don’t get mad anymore since I got born again. I do not have it in me anymore to work up a real temper tantrum anymore. And I feel better because of it. God is truly the God of peace.” Then he said, “I now pass the praise to Allyson.”
And Allyson went on to praise her new Saviour with this kudo: “I used to be an unforgiving and bitter woman. Whenever someone did me wrong, I would do two things that were both bad things to do. I would fret and stew and brood in silence. And I would confront the one who did me wrong and have a quarrel with him. But now that I am a born-again believer, I have learned to let God take care of things. He is a great Counsellor. And He gives me the power to forgive those who do me wrong or those whom I think do me wrong. And now I know that if I get even, I will do it all wrong. And Ii I let God get even for me, it will be done all right. And life is good for me now because of it.” Then she said, “I pass the praise to Flaurie,”
And Flaurie said, “I praise God for my new husband. I did not know that God wanted Flanders to be more than just a boyfriend for me. I did not know that God wanted me to be more than just a girlfriend for Flanders. And even before our honeymoon was done, God got us both a wonderful new house that is right next to this church, just south of it, and we are moving into this new home over the course of the next few weeks. And we will have Pastor and his wife as neighbors just two doors away.”
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Pastor and his wife lived right next door to the church in his parsonage just north of the church. Then she said, “I pass the praise to Flanders.”
And Flanders said, “I praise God for my stunning Flaurie. She became my fairy princess bride in a wedding dress with a hundred buttons. And now she is my fairy princess wife. And she is celestial on the outside, and she is divine on the inside. And God gave her to me, and God gave me to her. She shall be my helpmeet, and I shall be her companion. And now we can settle down together and enjoy the conjugal life, which is God’s gift to marriage.” He then said, “I pass the praise to Pastor.”
And Pastor went on to give his praise to God and to pass the praise to the deacon. And the deacon gave his praise to the Lord and passed the praise to the usher. And in suit the usher to the song leader; and the song leader to the Sunday School teacher; and the Sunday School teacher to the greeter; and so on for almost an hour until Pass the Praise was over and everyone said their praise.
Then the flock spread out and gathered in little groups to chat, and more informal fellowship began among the good Baptists here at Fox Cities’ Baptist Church.
Proffery and Allyson Coins got together by the dessert table. He took a peanut butter brownie from the table, and she took a seven-layer bar brownie from this same table. And they began to eat.
“I never knew that church was so fun, Allyson,” said Proffery.
“I know why now that Flaurie kept inviting me here.” said Allyson.
“Flanders tells me that the sermons here are great,” said Proffery.
“It sounds like a good church for new converts like us to grow in the Lord,” said Allyson.
“I heard that this Baptist church is strict,” said Proffery. “That’s what I need for sure.”
“I, also, Hubby,” said Allyson.
“God is good,” said Proffery.
Allyson then said, “Flaurie gave me back my wedding dress with the hundred buttons,”
“It is a beautiful dress, especially on my own wedding bride on our first try at the ceremony,”
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he said, laughing at himself and extolling Allyson.
“Though our second try at the ceremony was without that wedding gown, that was the try that worked for us,” said Allyson, laughing with him.
“Could you put it on again tonight after church this evening?” he asked.
In concerns, Allyson had to say, “I sold it, Proffery. I’m sorry.”
Though crushed, Proffery instantly forgave her with no regrets. And he said, “Thank you for having worn it for me those days before.”
“I sold my wedding dress to a farmer down the road,” she said.
“That’s funny,” said Proffery. “I sold my motorcycle to a farmer down the road.”
“His fiancée now has my old wedding dress,” said Allyson.
“She will make him a beautiful wedding bride in that,” said Proffery.
“With the money he gave me for my bridal dress, I went and bought his motorcycle,” said Allyson.
All became clear now to Proffery. He understood indeed a gift like unto the classic gift of the magi in that famous story. But this gift was the opposite to the literary gift of the magi. Here the wife sold something precious to herself and bought something that was precious to her husband, and both came out blessed with happiness. Proffery said to her, “It was my very own former motorcycle that you bought for me. Wasn’t it, good wife?”
She nodded and said, “It was, fine husband.”
They fell into a deep embrace, and they kissed with the passion that they had at that kiss at the wedding altar, and he said, “I love you, Allyson,” and she said, “I love you, Proffery.”
And then she asked him, “Could we go and have a ride on your motorcycle, Hubby?”
“Right now?” he asked, utterly eager. She nodded. “Let’s, my wife.” he said. And they left for the night, knowing that they would be right back at this church first thing Sunday morning. And they
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came back home in his pickup truck and went motorcycle riding together out in the warm summer night of Wisconsin’s Fox River valley, the newlywed bride holding on to her newlywed husband in magic of romance as they cruised like free spirits in the dark.
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