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THE COMELY BRIDEZILLA

By Mr. Morgan P. McCarthy

            “Miss Hundred Per Cent” was her name, and she was a born-again believer, and she was the comely bridezilla.  “I am ‘Hundred Per Cent,’” she again bragged on herself to herself before God, “and I am one hundred percent woman.” Her best friend Holly always told her, “Hundred, you weigh a hundred.”  Truly Miss Cent was a bitsy of a woman short of stature and pleasingly lean of frame.  This day, yet several days before the wedding, Hundred Cent again had on her wedding dress to show off to everybody her wonderful new outfit that so went with her wonderful pretty face.  As she said to God now in prayer once again, “Lord, is not my wedding all about me?  Is not my wedding day my day?  Is not my wedding all about the bride?”  Thus was this prayer again spoken from the comely bridezilla.

She paused to look at herself in her full-length mirror in her hallway, and she liked what she saw.  Between her face and her form and her bridal gown, Hundred could not tell what part of her now were the most attractive of the three.  Alfred Angelo himself had made this wedding dress, and this comely

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bridezilla had convinced the groom to pay for all of it ahead of time out of his own checking account, and it was not cheap.  This most lavish wedding gown was made professionally of ten different wedding gown fabrics all in one dress.  Truly so resplendent was this bridal dress that it seemed to shine in its pure whiteness like the full moon in the dark of night.  The bodice was made of faille.  The back was made of tulle.  The long right sleeve was made of silk Gazar.  The long left sleeve was made of silk Mikado.  The skirt portion in front was made of satin.  The skirt portion in back was made of taffeta.  Her train’s outer liner was made of organdy.  Her train’s inner liner was made of organza.  Her bow tie in the back was made of acetate.  And her veil was made of shantung.  And on her feet she wore white pumps with white block heels six inches long.  The comely bridezilla did not like to hide her stunning face, so she kept pulling back the veil from her eyes as she pranced about in great show.

            Who was the prospective bridegroom to this comely bridezilla?  It was Flanders Arckery Nickels, and he was a born-again believer who somewhat did worship the ground that she walked upon.

He it was who first called Hundred “my comely bridezilla.”  But his understanding of this title was in error.  And when he found out the real meaning of this title, he laughed and she laughed.  Indeed a “bridezilla.” by definition, means “a bride with a domineering attitude and with much pride.”  But to Flanders, in his erring understanding,  a “bridezilla” was “the bride of Frankenstein.”  Flanders had thought that a bridezilla were a hideous and repugnant bride in a beautiful bridal dress.  Indeed all who knew Flanders and Hundred did have to say to themselves that Hundred was, by standards, fairly ugly and unattractive of face.  And yet, all who knew Flanders could tell that, to him, Hundred was his stunning and beautiful young woman. And Flanders had told everybody that he was marrying the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and he said that with utmost sincerity of heart.  And, playing on others’ opinions as to Hundred’s unattractive face in contrast to his own opinion of her face, and in ignorance of what he was saying, he first came to call her “my comely bridezilla.” that first day that she had put on her wedding gown and showed her new self off to him in confidence.  And she had replied

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to him that first time, “I am not full of myself,” with regard to the real meaning.  And he had said to her right off, “But I find you stunning anyway, no matter what everybody else thinks,” with regard to the wrong meaning.  She understood him now.  And she told him what that two-word phrase really meant, and he at once understood her.  He then said, “I’m sorry that I called you hideous.”  And she said to him, “Maybe I am full of myself.”  And fiancé and fiancée got a good laugh together.  Though the comely bride were a bridezilla in truth as the preparations for the wedding were taking place, she could still get a good laugh at herself.

            Hundred Cent had a best friend and confidante in the young woman Holly Bough Ivy.  Just as Hundred reveled in Flanders’s attentions toward herself, so, too, did Hundred take advantage of Holly’s services to her in her many wants.  In fact, Miss Cent had cajoled Miss Ivy into paying for the wedding in all of its lavish extravagances.  Miss Ivy was a young heiress with inheritances from her two late grandfathers and from her two late grandmothers.  Holly Ivy, too, like Hundred and Flanders, was a born-again believer.  And this fellowship of three were all twenty-one years old.  Together they faithfully attended all the services of Third Day Baptist Church to hear Pastor Royalty preach and to spend time with Pastor and Pastor’s wife Emmy and to fellowship with the good little Baptist flock.

This church was named in honor of the third day, that day in which Christ had arisen from the grave two thousand years ago.  Hundred was the church clerk.  Flanders was the church treasurer.  Holly was the Sunday School teacher.

            Flanders had a favorite Bible verse.  It was Philippians 1:23, which read in part, “…, and to be with Christ; which is far better;”  And Hundred also had a favorite Bible verse.  And that one was II Corinthians 5:8 which said in part, “…to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.”

Both the bridegroom and the comely bridezilla loved the Lord’s coming appearing.  They looked forward to the rapture of the believers.  They could not wait to fall down and worship Jesus in His regal glory upon His throne in Heaven.  They had a crown of righteousness awaiting them Up There for

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longing to walk and to talk with the Lord Jesus in the Glories of Heaven.  Nonetheless, Flanders’s love for the rapture was more solid than Hundred’s love for the rapture.  One day, on Sunday Morning Worship at Third Day Baptist Church, Hundred was home sick with a flu, and Flanders was without his girlfriend here in the auditorium.  That day, Pastor Royalty asked his flock, “How many here want the Lord to come?”  All of the flock raised their hands.  Then Pastor asked his flock, “How many here want the Lord to come today?”  And only Flanders and a couple others were spiritual and righteous enough to raise their hands truthfully.  Later that day, Hundred, well now from her flu, came to Sunday Evening Worship with Flanders.  Pastor again asked his flock, “How many of you want the Lord to come?”  Again all the flock in this auditorium raised their hands, including Flanders and Hundred.   Again this time did Pastor Royalty go on to ask his flock, “How many want the Lord to come tonight?”  And again the same Flanders and the same spiritual members raised their hand.  But Hundred Per Cent would not raise her hand this time.   And she turned red with embarrassment and did squirm in the pew where she sat and still did not raise her hand.  Miss Cent was truthful and was wrong.  Perhaps she did love being the imminent comely bridezilla too much and did not love more coming Home to Jesus in Heaven.  But she shrugged and looked down and found comfort in the white fabric of wedding gown material all about herself in its comfort and its allure.  With a little luck, maybe she could be raptured in this and come to Heaven in this and spend eternity in this with Jesus.

            The next day, one day closer to the wedding, the comely bridezilla and Holly Ivy got together to go bowling.  Ever sprightly, Hundred Cent told her favorite joke once again on that same old play on her name, “Holly, for a hundred cents I’ll give you a buck.”  And Hundred went ahead and bucked Holly on the shoulder with her head.

            But this time Holly answered back with wit, saying, “Hundred Cent I did not give you a hundred cents yet.”

            “Ha ha ha, Holly,” said Miss Cent sarcastically.  Then she saw a fold in her veil that covered her

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head.  And she said, “Alas, my buck has put a bend in my veil.”  And she took off her wedding veil, took care to unbend the fold with much pressing of her hands, and said in the end, “It’s okay now.”

            Miss Cent bowled first this day.  And immediately she bowled a gutter ball in the right hand side of her lane.  Her best friend asked her, “Hundred, how can you bowl in a wedding dress?”

            “I cannot.  As you can see,” said Hundred with a laugh at herself.  Then she bowled her next ball, and that was a gutter ball in the left hand side of her lane.

            “You bridal dress is getting in the way of your bowling game, Hundred,” said Holly.

            “I feel too good in this to take it off before coming to this bowling alley,” said Miss Cent.

            Holly said, “The costs for your big day are going to be cheaper than what I had first thought, Hundred.”

            “Thanks for paying for all of that,” said the comely bridezilla.

            “This is the least that I can do for the woman who led me to the Lord,” said Holly Ivy.

            “That’s right.  It was I who got you saved,” bragged Hundred Cent.

            Now it was Miss Ivy’s turn to bowl.  Her first throw in today’s bowling just nicked the number ten pin and knocked it over.  “That’s one point,” said Holly.  And in her second throw in this frame, her ball just nicked the number seven pin and knocked that over.  “That’s another point, Hundred,” said Holly.

            “At the end of this first frame, I have zero, and you have two,” said Miss Cent.

            And throughout the rest of this bowling game together, the comely bridezilla went on to describe in great detail what she wanted Holly to do for her to make it her own perfect wedding.  “I want you to give out at least a thousand wedding invitations to all of my family and friends and church people and acquaintances and any stranger that you think might want to come and see me get married.  And I want the channel 26 news there to interview me for a long time.  And I want a professional video camera person there to record the whole thing, and before and after the whole thing, for sure.  And I

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want fifty people standing up for my wedding ceremony.  I want twenty-three bridesmaids and two maids of honor.  I would love for you to be my main maid of honor, Holly.  And I want twenty-three groomsmen and two best men.  I really need the mayor and the city executive to be my best men.  And I want my ladies who are standing up for my ceremony to be dressed all in green bridesmaids’ dresses.  And I want my men who are standing up for my ceremony to be dressed in top hats and tuxedos and all.   And I want a big banquet with all kinds of carved ham and carved beef and carved lamb, and salmon, too.  And for beverages I want lots of peach nectar and apricot nectar.  And for dessert I have to have a whole table full of all the pies that you can think of.  And I want expensive little nameplates for all of my wedding guests put on the tables that tell where each one is supposed to sit at my banquet.”

            Right then, Holly spoke up and said, “I remember all of what you told me, Hundred.  I’ve got this wire bound notebook in which you have written all of your instructions for your wedding.  And I am making great progress.”

            “Will it be done on time?” asked the comely bridezilla.

            “It will be all ready for you when your big day comes,” said Holly Ivy.

            “Remember, Holly.  I am the one who led you to your own salvation,” said the comely bridezilla.

            “I remember,” said Miss Ivy.

            “I am comely,” said Miss Cent.

            “What you want for entertainment I might not be able to pull off, Hundred,” said Holly.

            “Am I asking too much for what I wish for entertainment at my own wedding?” asked Miss Hundred Cent.

            “Let’s see now,” said Holly, remembering the options offered her upon the notebook.  “Stephen King reading a chapter from his horror book ‘The Shining.’  Johnny Cash singing ‘Ghost Riders in the Skies,’ and playing his guitar.  Billy Graham preaching a salvation sermon.  Taylor Swift singing a

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song that is inspired by you.  David Copperfield performing a magic trick.  Minnesota Fats and Willie Mosconi playing a game of pool.  I can’t remember the rest of them.”

            “I ask for only one of them,” said the comely bridezilla.  “I left it to you to pick which one that would be best among the whole list.”

            “Professional entertainers are not cheap,” said Holly Ivy.

            “Why not ask them if they will perform on a volunteer basis?” said Hundred.

            “They don’t know you, though, Hundred,” said Holly.

            “Well at my wedding it would be a good time for them to get to know me,” said the comely bridezilla.

            “What about the groom, Hundred?” asked Holly.

            “Flanders?” asked Hundred.

            “Yes.  Flanders,” said Holly Ivy.

            “He’s not the bride in my wedding,” said the comely bridezilla.  “And he’s not the one who willing be wearing the bridal gown of ten fabrics.”

            In this much business the two best friends continued this game of bowling.  And in the end, Holly had a score of 111, and Hundred had a score of 50.  And Hundred said, “You win again.”

            And Holly said, “You would have won if you had not had your ‘bridal gown of ten materials’ on as you bowled.”

            “A bride needs to be comely,” said Miss Cent.  “My wedding dress is almost as pretty as myself.”

            The next day came, and the bridezilla and her fiancé Flanders got together for a date at the malt shop.  He had a Mocha Frappé, and she had a peanut butter shake.  Again she was attired in her cherished wedding dress.  He was attired in his regular blue jeans and short sleeved summer shirt and bucket hat and penny loafers.  “Looking handsome, my cute boyfriend,” she told him in sincerity.

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            And he asked her to again tell him the testimony of her salvation.  And she told him all about it:

“If it weren’t for you, Flanders, I could still be lost in my sins and on my way to Hell.” She was a little girl at the time, and he was a little boy.  Seeing that they were both only twelve years old at the time, neither knew what dating was all about until later in their lives together.  Hundred Cent was a tomboy.  Flanders Nickels was a new convert in Christ.  And they were best friends who played baseball with the other children in their neighborhood.  But this baseball that they both played was with a little plastic bat and a little plastic ball.  This bat was yellow, and this ball was white and without holes.  And the whole neighborhood gathered often in little Hundred’s parents’ front yard for their many baseball games.  And this front yard sloped down in a hill from the house down to the ditch before the street.  A stump at the foot of the hill was “home plate.”  And a little bush was “first base.”  And the house’s front stoop was “second base.”  And the little apple tree was “third base.”  And there was no pitcher’s mound, because they played without pitching.  The batters all tossed their own ball up and did strike the ball as it came back down with the bat.  And, were it not for the house, there would have been an outfield in this makeshift baseball diamond.  And Hundred the tomboy played as hard as the boys did in these baseball games.  Well, one day, Flanders came to the baseball game and told everyone that something really great happened to him at church.  And he had to tell everybody.  And he told Hundred and the rest of the local kids that he had gotten saved at church that morning.  No one knew what he was talking about, all of these children all lost in their sins.  But Hundred had some idea of what he was talking about.  She had heard of how people got saved and went to Heaven when they died, because they were saved.  But right away she said, “I’m not saved, Flanders, and I am proud of that.”

            And he said to her, “That’s too bad for you, Hundred.  You are lost and have no hope and without God in the world.”

            “I don’t need God, Flanders,” she said.

            “Everyone needs God, Hundred,” said Flanders.

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            “What do I need God for?” she asked.

            “To stay out of Hell, Hundred,” said Flanders.

            “Oh, Hell is not so bad,” said the proud tomboy ignorantly.

            “I say that it is so bad,” said Flanders, caring for her soul.

            “Prove it to me, Flanders,” she challenged him in her pride.

            “I know what you are the most afraid of, Hundred,” he said to her, having been her best friend throughout their childhood years together.

            “Why, that would be worms,” she said.  She began to lose her vanity.  Maybe Flanders knew something that she did not know about this place called “Hell.”

            “Worms!” he said with an uncharacteristic authority that she had not seen in him before now.

            “I have bad dreams about worms,” she said.  “You know that about me.  I told you lots.”

            “I know you do, Hundred,” he said with a novel compassion in his voice that he had never had before toward her.

            “In my nightmares, Flanders, I dream that I am in a dark place with no light, and I feel all kinds of worms crawling all over my body inside all of my clothes.  It’s terrible.  It’s horrible,” she said.

            “It is your own worst torments,” he said to her in a unique bonding with her that drew her to him and his words about being saved.

            “It is like doom itself for me, Flanders,” said Hundred Cent.

            “Would you do anything to never find yourself in such a place of doom as that for real?” asked Flanders with eternal wisdom that she was beginning to believe in.

            “I would do anything for my nightmares not to come upon me in my waking life, Flanders,” said little Miss Cent.

            “Then come and get saved like I went and did, O Hundred,” he beseeched her in gentleness that clearly manifested a great change that had come into his heart toward her in their friendship.

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            “I saw a house burn down on fire once,” said Miss Cent.

            “Yeah, Hundred?” asked Flanders.

            “The only thing worse than worms is fire,” she said.

            “’Fire,’ you said?” asked Flanders.

            “Yeah.  I suppose that even worms are not as bad as burning in fire,” confessed little Miss Cent.

            “There you have it,” said Flanders.

            “What do I have?” asked Hundred.

            “I learned a Bible verse when the good pastor led me to the Saviour today,” he said to her.

            “What does it say—the Bible verse?” she asked.

            And he recited it to her, “Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.”

            “Where is such a bad place as that?” asked Hundred Cent.

            “It is ‘Hell,’” Flanders told her.

            In conviction of her sins and of her need of a Saviour, Hundred went on to confess, “There I have it.”  She trembled all over with fears of worms and fears of fire and fear of eternal torment.  And she said, “Flanders, I’m scared.  I’m real scared.”

            “Would you like to pray now and get saved, born again, and all?” he asked her.

            “I’m scared, really scared,” she said.  And she nodded her head and prayed the sinners’ prayer with him:  “Dear God:  I am a bad girl who needs to go to Hell.  I am sorry for all of my badness, and I ask You to forgive me and to help me to change.  I confess now that Jesus went and died for my sins on the cross.  And I confess now that Jesus then rose from the dead on the third day.  Please save me so that I may go to Heaven instead of Hell.  Thank You, Lord.  In Jesus’s name I pray.  Amen.”

            “How do you feel now that you are a born-again Christian, Hundred?” asked Flanders.

            “I am no longer scared,” said Hundred Per Cent.  “My soul is safe now, because I prayed and asked Christ to save me.”

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            Likewise did young Flanders Nickels lead the rest of the baseball players to Christ right after this.  And a little revival took place there in the makeshift baseball game.  And the whole bunch, after the game, went out sharing the Gospel of salvation house to house.  And of the many who got saved, Hundred was the most grateful for her salvation.  And Flanders was even gladder for her.

            Now, here she was, years later, the comely bridezilla to this man who had led her to the Good Saviour.

            “Thanks for having cared for my soul as you did, Flanders,” said Miss Cent here at the malt shop.

            “I was afraid for your soul then, too; and after you got saved, I, also, was no longer afraid for your soul,” said Flanders.

            Not too long later that week was Wednesday Night Bible Study and Prayer Meeting for Hundred and Flanders and Holly and the rest of the flock of Third Day Baptist Church.  Her big day was one day closer for her now.  Once again was Hundred dressed as the bride.  She said to Holly to her left on the pew, “Best friend, you’re too close.  You’re sitting upon my material.”  And she said to Flanders to her right on the pew, “Fiancé, sit over just a little way away.  My dress is getting pressed down.”  And Holly and Flanders consented to move a couple inches farther away from their comely bridezilla.

            This Third Day Baptist Church once again had a full house for this evening’s midweek service.  Pastor Royalty had a most faithful flock of one hundred that came out always for all four services of the church week.  Unlike most churches, even Godly Baptist churches, tthis church had a full house for

Sunday School and for Sunday Morning Worship and for Sunday Evening Worship and for Wednesday Night Bible Study and Prayer Meeting.  The status quo for most churches in Christendom was that the Sunday Morning Worship had the fullest attendance; the Sunday Evening Worship had the second fullest attendance;  Sunday School had the third fullest attendance; and the midweek service had the

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fourth fullest attendance.   Indeed Pastor saw this in other Baptist churches that preached the true Word of God.  And Christendom was lukewarm these last days of the church age, the waning of the dispensation of grace, the days of the Laodicean church in Revelation chapter three.  But not so with Third Day Baptist Church.  Pastor’s flock all came to all of his services all of the time.  And he thanked God for such blameless faithfulness of his strong and spiritual flock every day in his prayers.  And his flock thanked God for him in their many prayers at their homes.

            Pastor Royalty then began today’s sermon for the midweek service:  “Today I shall preach upon God’s ordained institution of marriage.  What is marriage?  It must be between one man and one woman all the days of their lives.  This same-sex marriage out there is straight from Hell.  The last sin that a country commits before God’s judgment falls upon it is the sin of homosexuality.  The same must be said about the sin of lesbianism.  And, no, they were not born that way.  They are that way because they sinfully chose that way as their lifestyle.  And this is an abomination in the eyes of the holy God.

In the Bible it is called ‘sodomy,’ and the men of Sodom in the Old Testament saw their city and themselves all burned up in a supernatural raining down of fire from God Almighty for their abominable sins.  In my life as Pastor, I have married many couples.  And I have said to many, ‘I now pronounce you “husband and wife.”’  But I have not and will not ever say at the marriage altar, ‘I now pronounce you “husband and husband”’ or ‘I now pronounce you “wife and wife.”’” Pastor paused, then continued, “In the book of I Peter the great Apostle preaches on the institution of marriage.  Let us turn to I Peter chapter three verses one through seven, and let us read this passage out loud in responsive reading:

            The pastor and his flock read God’s Word out loud together responsively:  Pastor began: “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;”

            Then the flock read out loud: “While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.”

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            Then Pastor read out loud:  “Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting of hair, or of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;”

            The flock read out loud:  “But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.”

            The pastor read out loud:  “For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:”

            The flock read out loud:  “Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord:  whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”

            And Pastor finished up with this out loud:  “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”

            Behold the fury of the comely bridezilla, as a woman scorned, upon seeing all of this all about herself in her pride in this Scripture.  And with a rebel’s huff of breath and with an adverse stamp of her foot, the comely bridezilla got up and walked out of the service and went back home, leaving Flanders and Holly and all the rest of the flock to wonder.

            Pastor said to the assistant pastor, “Deacon Proffery, would you have a word of prayer now for Hundred?”

            And the deacon stood up in the front pew, bowed his head, and prayed in compassion that Miss Cent come back to church and come back to fellowship and come back to God.

            And Flanders and Holly looked at each other.  Holly asked, “Flanders, should I go and find her?”

            Flanders said, “No.  God would have us two to stay here at church until the service is done.”  But then he asked, “Pastor, should I go and get her and have her to come back?”

            And Pastor Royalty said to him, “No, good Flanders.  We must leave her now in God’s hands.”

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            Once at home the comely bridezilla, furious, began to ransack her house in a ferocious temper tantrum.  In her den, books were swiped out of her bookshelves.  In her bedroom, her bed was all thrown off of her blankets.  In her living room, her sofa was made void of its cushions and was tossed onto its back.  In her kitchen, pots and pans were grabbed and hurled to the floor.  In her dining room, her table was thrown upon its side.  In her closet, her other clothes were thrown down off of their rod, hangers and all.  And in her bathroom, her medicine chest was half torn off at its mirror; and her shower curtain was torn all off of its rod.   But no damage was inflicted upon her white wedding gown that she had on during all of this fiery storm of temperament.   And when all of this was done, she cursed Pastor Royalty for what he had made her to read and to hear read from the Bible this evening of the midweek service.  Then she was finished with her fierce destruction. The comely bridezilla was no longer raving mad.  And she was okay now with what happened at church.  She would go back to church on Sunday morning.  And all would be all right with her again.  But she felt like a dirty Christian with what she had just done and with such mania of indignation and pride and rage.  She was wrong.  Pastor was right.  But, no, she was not going to cease being the comely bridezilla—not now, not later, not ever after.

            How had Hundred turned from tomboy to girlfriend?  When did she change her mind about boys?  Where was it where she and Flanders had become girlfriend-and-boyfriend?  It happened when she was playing tackle football with the boys at age fifteen at her parents’ empty garden out back. It was late fall then.   The garden was already harvested.  All that was left was bare ground in the garden.  And she and Flanders had a wager going between each other.  In the sports world, Billie Jean King, the women’s tennis champion, had just beaten Bobby Riggs, a guy, in a famous tennis match of the sexes.

And the tomboy Hundred wanted to emulate Billie Jean King with a football game between the sexes against Flanders.  Do remember, reader, Hundred in time went on to become a little woman.  How much littler was she then at age fifteen and yet a teenage girl?  Flanders, also fifteen, was a short thin

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teenage boy.  Flanders was a he-man when it came to say good things about his gender.  Hundred, too, was outspoken for those of her gender.  And she and he wagered a bet of most daring and precocious dimensions for fifteen-year-old children.  In confidence, Hundred said to him in this wager, “If I beat you in football, you have to kiss my hand.  And if you beat me in football, I have to kiss your hand.”

            And, sure of his masculinity over the girl, Flanders Nickels said, “The bet is on, girl!”

            “Too bad for you that this girl does not kiss,” bragged Hundred, the tomboy of a girl.

            And he replied in like, “I don’t kiss girls. Girls have germs.”

            And the makeshift football game was prepared in this plot of barren earth.  Flanders was the coach and the quarterback of his team of four young lads.  And Hundred was the coach and the quarterback of four young lasses.  And the battle of the sexes between five boys and five girls was about to begin.

            Woe unto females who compete against males in a full-contact sport.

            On the very first play of the game, on a kickoff return, the proud female tomboy got crushed to the ground by the boy Flanders.  He nailed her harder than any girl could nail her.  And she was hurt.

Nor was he trying to hit the girl any harder than he hit boys in this rough sport.  It was just that the Creator created men differently than He created women.  Men were generally bigger and stronger than women.  And women were generally smaller and weaker than men.  And the teenager Hundred Cent ended up learning this basic truth the hard way.  She lay there in a daze, her arms still holding on the football.  In a crazy panic her four girl teammates ran away in fear for no good reason.  That left Flanders and his four boy teammates with no more team to play against.  And Flanders’s four teammates shrugged their shoulders, said, “We’re sorry, Hundred,” and walked away.  Now that left Flanders alone with Hundred.  And now he said, “I’m sorry, Hundred.  I did not know that I hit you hard.”  And he sat down alongside her where she lay on her back.

            “I got hit real hard,” she said.

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            “You’ll be all right,” he said to her.  “You just got the wind knocked out of you.”

            “I feel like I’m dying,” she said.

            “You’re not dying,” he said in confidence.  “You just got the wind knocked out of you.”

            “How can you tell?” she asked.

            “The same thing happened to me a few times when I played football with the upperclassmen of our high school,” he said.

            “I think that I will be okay,” she said, greatly relieved.

            “It will go away real soon,” he promised her.

            And, sure enough, her breathing began to come back for her.  And she said to him where she lay, “You boys are tougher and rougher than are us girls.”  And she laughed at her silliness.  Then she sat up there in the garden.  “Wow!” she said, “Maybe football is not the thing for girls to play with boys.”  And her breath came back to her chest again, sure and regular and strong.  Then she managed to stand back up.  Flanders steadied her body with both of his hands along her sides where both stood.

“Thanks for holding me up like this, Flanders.” she said.

            In apology he said, “I never hurt a girl before.  I feel like a wicked boy.”

            “You are not a wicked boy.  I am a proud girl,” she said.

            “Well,” said Flanders.  “Well.”  And he had no wise words to say right now.

            Then she said, “I kind of lost the game for us girls.  Didn’t I?”

            “Are you saying that you lost the football game to me, Hundred?” asked Flanders.

            “You definitely beat me in this football game, Flanders,” said Hundred.

            “Do you remember our bet, Hundred?” he asked victoriously.

            “Oh, our bet.  I remember our bet now,” she said in defeat.

            He held out his right palm in winning the bet, and he said to her in jubilation, “Hundred, kiss my hand.”

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            “Yuck!  Do I have to?” she asked.

            “You do.  We made a bet.  You cannot go back on a bet,” he said.

            “I guess that I have to go and get this over with,” she said in woes.

            And Hundred Cent leaned down toward Flanders’s open palm and did press her lips against it, and she quickly drew back her head.

            But she did not say, “Yuck” after having done this.  And he thought secretly to himself that this was more pleasing to him than just winning the bet for himself.

            And the two felt a tingling in their stomachs which was not like any thing between them before. Hundred, for some reason that she could not understand, wanted to do this again of all things.  And, as for Flanders, he inexplicably wanted to do the same for her as she had just done for him.  Suddenly bashful before her lifelong friend who was a boy, Hundred found herself saying, “That kiss was not all that bad.”  Then she asked, “Was it?”

            And he said back to her, “I hit you so hard back there that I should kiss your hand for that now.”

He was most wily and subtle with his secret new feelings for his lifelong friend who was a girl.

            And she said, “One kiss deserves another.”  And she proffered her hand with her palm up, just like he had with her before all of these feelings had suddenly stirred in her heart.

            And Flanders leaned down his head and pressed his lips upon her open palm, and he drew back his head after a short while.

            She said in revelation to herself, “You’re cute, Flanders.”

            And he said to her for his first time, “You’re cute, too, Hundred.”

            She was at a loss for words.

            And he said, “We should get together some day and do this again.”  She knew that he meant the brave new romance that they had just discovered in their young teenage lives.

            And she said, “How about tomorrow at the burger restaurant, Flanders?”

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            And he said in great gladness, “It’s a date then!”

            Did he say, “date?”  He did.  That’s what it was going to be for them.  And that was how it was going to be for them for now on.  And that was how it was for them ever since.  And now she was going to become his bride.  That was how the comely bridezilla and her cute bridegroom had first become girlfriend-and-boyfriend-in-the-Lord.

            It was the day before the wedding.  And Hundred was in her bedroom at her desk, writing her wedding vows for tomorrow.  And Flanders was at his living room on his sofa, writing his wedding vows for tomorrow.  And after a while, Hundred had a page-and-a-half of promises to make to Flanders for their marriage, and she was done.  And after a much greater while, Flanders had about ten pages of promises for their marriage, and he was finished.  Then the comely bridezilla went on to write a wedding vow for her groom Flanders to say to her.  And that took the rest of the day, and it covered a dozen and a half pages.  And she was not done yet.  As for Flanders, he was thinking of how stunning Hundred looked all of the time and how God had blessed him with a pretty Baptist wife to be.

            When she finished writing her own version of Flanders’s wedding vows to her, she quickly picked up the phone to tell it all to her sister-in-the-Lord Holly Ivy.  The first thing she said was, “Holly, I figured out my wedding vows.”

            Holly said, “That’s great news, Hundred.  Flanders will be glad to hear what you say to him tomorrow on the big day for the two of you.”

            “Oh, and I got his vows written up, too, right after,” said Hundred.  “At least most of it, that is.”

            “What?” asked Holly, not sure of what she had just heard.

            “And his are over ten times as long as are mine,” said the comely bridezilla.

            “I’m not sure what you mean,” said Miss Ivy.

            “Shouldn’t every bride have her bridegroom to tell her nice things?” asked Miss Cent.

            “Yes,” said Holly.  “Brides love bridegrooms’ vows to them.”

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            “Well I decided what I am going to have my bridegroom say to me,” said the comely bridezilla.

            “I’m not so sure that that is a good idea,” said Holly.

            “How come, Holly?” asked Miss Cent.

            “Did you ask him about what he thought about this?” asked Holly.

            “Why, no.  Not at all,” said Hundred Cent.

            “You didn’t ask him about this ahead of time?” asked Miss Ivy.

            “I was going to make it a surprise for him at the altar,” said the comely bridezilla.

            “You plan on going to the marriage altar with your groom and then plan on surprising him with your own version of what his version should be regarding his own vows to you,” summed up her best friend.

            “Uh huh,” said Hundred.  “What do you think?”

            “I don’t like your idea, Hundred,” said Holly in rebuke.

            “It is my best idea of all of my ideas for my wedding,” declared Hundred.

            “If you go and pull a trick like that tomorrow, then I am going to walk out on your wedding,” said Holly.

            “But I need you most of all there,” said the comely bridezilla.

            “No,” said Holly.  “You need Flanders there most of all.”

            “But I am the bride!” she yelled.

            “And he is the groom!” said Holly, angry and having had enough of the comely bridezilla.

            “Why can’t I have things go my way at my own wedding?” asked the comely bridezilla.

            “You do a mean thing like that to the good man that you are marrying, and he will be liable to walk out on ‘your’ wedding, too,” warned her best friend.

            “He calls me his ‘comely bride,’” said Hundred in trying to defend herself in manifest pride.

            “And you will end up being his ex-bride,” warned Holly Bough Ivy.

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            “Then we will have to get married with his own wedding vows that he has written,” said Miss Cent. “But I am hardly going to add anything more to the vows that I had written for him.”

            “Do you truly love him?” asked Holly.

            “I do,” said Hundred.  “Why would I marry a man whom I did not love?”

            “Is he first in your life?” asked Holly.

            “He is second in my life to God,” said Hundred.

            “Flanders is second in your life to the Lord.  That is good,” said Holly.

            “Well, he’s second in my life to Jesus and to myself,” said Hundred.

            “He is third to Christ and to yourself,” said Holly.  “There’s a little problem now to this new confession.”

            “Well, there also comes my wedding dress,” said Hundred.

            “Where does your wedding gown rank in all of these things?” asked Miss Ivy.

            “My wedding gown ranks just below my Saviour and myself,” said the comely bridezilla.

            “So, Flanders ranks fourth in your life to the Saviour and to yourself and to your bridal dress,” said Holly.

            “I cannot think of anything else that is important to me that I can rank at the top of my little ranking system in my most important things,” said the comely bridezilla.

            “A dress is more important to you than the man who is about to become your husband,” stated Holly in harsh rebuke.

            “It is not just any dress, Holly,” said Hundred.  “It is my dream wedding gown of ten different materials.”

            “I think now that maybe you should not marry this good Christian man,” said Holly.

            “Why do you think that I am wearing this dress tomorrow in the first place, Holly?” asked Hundred Cent in argument.

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            “Hundred, you’ve been wearing this dress every day for the past two weeks,” said Holly Ivy.

            “I’m wearing this dress tomorrow to honor the day I marry this good Christian man,” claimed the comely bridezilla.

            “No, Hundred Cent.  It is to honor the woman who is full of herself and who is proud her comeliness which only Flanders can see,” said Miss Ivy.

            “I’m comely!” said the bridezilla in reprisal.

            “Flanders told you that so often that you believe it,” said Holly.

            “Ask any man out there if I’m comely as a bride,” said Hundred.

            “How many men have you had on a date before you found Flanders?” asked Holly.

            “There were no boyfriends in my life before Flanders.” she said.  “He is the only man whom I would go out on a date with.”

            “Nobody else in all of your life?” asked Holly.

            “No.  Why do you ask?” asked Hundred.

            “That’s because no man would want to go out with a woman who looks like you,” said Holly.

            “Holly, you’re cruel to your best friend,” said the comely bridezilla.

            “And you are merciless to the only man who finds you attractive,” said Holly words to Hundred that Hundred needed to hear and to heed.

            After a brief introspection, Miss Cent said, “I do look like some extraterrestrial.”

            “I did not wish to say that to you, Hundred.  I was worried what you might do to Flanders if you kept lording it over on him with your ego,” said Holly.

            “I do look like I came from beyond Earth,” confessed the bridezilla.  “Maybe from Venus.  Maybe from Mars.”

            “He believes in you, Hundred.  Do not marry him if you are going to hurt him,” said Holly.

            “He does not lie when he tells me that I am his stunning fiancée.  Does he, do you think?” asked

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Hundred Cent.

            “Flanders does not lie when he tells you his feelings for you,” said her best friend and confidante.  “And when he tells you that you are his comely bride, believe him; for he tells you that from the heart.”

            “I will not do him wrong and go to the altar tomorrow as this prideful comely bridezilla.  The woman that he is going to marry tomorrow will instead be his own humble comely bride,” promised Hundred Per Cent.

            “That’s my sister-in-the-Lord that I knew before that wedding gown came into your life,” said Holly.

            “And I shall be that same sister-in-the-Lord to you and to Flanders long after this wedding gown is gone from my life,” promised Hundred.

            It was the night before the wedding, and Hundred Cent was alone in her bedroom in the dark and in prayer and repentance and penitence before the Lord.  But even now did she keep on her fetish of a wedding dress in the midst of her confessions to God.  She had been treacherous with Flanders these past few weeks with herself dressed in this.  And she had betrayed Holly these same past few weeks with herself dressed in this.  And she had backslidden from God ever since she had first thought of how irresistible a bride that she was going to make.   She had become the prodigal daughter of God that day she first became that comely bridezilla.  In bad feelings toward herself and about herself and of herself, Hundred relived that moment that she first discovered her wedding dress of ten fabrics:

            She had told her fiancé all of her requirements of all that her wedding dress had to be in order to make her happy in it.  He wrote down every last detail and every last fabric and every last stitching that she narrated to him onto a little notebook, indeed many little pages of notebook.  And he held a private consultation with Alfred Angelo himself, the world famous wedding gown and prom gown maker, who was most accredited and rightfully not inexpensive.  He paid for this consultation fee.  And she then

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came in to his workplace, and he measured her up for a unique wedding gown of ten materials.  And Flanders paid the consultation fee for her for this, too.  Then the bride’s dress designer ordered pieces of these expensive ten fabrics, and they came in.  And Flanders paid for the materials.  And then the wedding gown was begun.  And Hundred Per Cent became impatient and cross with Flanders.  As she waited she became more proud.  The dress took much time to make, its stipulations most detailed and meticulous.  And the future comely bride started to become the comely bridezilla that the reader has found out about Hundred Per Cent.  First she told Flanders, “You better hurry up.”  Then she told Alfred Angelo, “You better hurry up.”  Then she told God, “You better hurry up.” Flanders maintained his Christian patience with his fiancée all throughout the time it was taking for this most lavish dress to be made.  Hundred, though, lost her patience in Christ not too long after the measuring had taken place.  And then the time came when Alfred Angelo called up Flanders and told him that the wedding dress was all done, and that all he had to do now was to pick it up and to pay for. it.  And that Flanders did, with Hundred with him.  He paid for this dress, as well, lock, stock, and barrel.

            The bride took her first look at her new bridal gown, and she became right then the consummate bridezilla of this story.  Upon her first look, she said, “My precious!”

            “Don’t you mean, ‘Thank you?’” asked Flanders.

            She said then about this wedding dress of ten fabrics, “Mon cheri amour.”

            And at once she went and put it on.  It felt as beatific as it looked.  And she was a different woman now.  She was now this siren of a bride, a comely bride in her comely bridal dress.  She was the bride of brides.  And Flanders had won a prize of a woman to marry.  She was blessed.  And Flanders was “spoiled,” she thought.  That is, she deserved the wedding to come, and Flanders was lucky enough to be with her at the wedding.   And for the ensuing long weeks, rare and unhappy were the moments when the comely bridezilla had to take off her wedding gown for practical purposes.  And she had it on now the night before the exciting wedding to come.  And she was praying in it.  And she was

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convicted of this false idol that had come between herself and Holly and between herself and Flanders and between herself and Jesus.  And she came to hate her bridal dress of ten materials.  God told her, “Take it off, My prodigal daughter.”  God’s still small voice carried with it the sound of many waters.

That is the voice of the Lord as told in the Scriptures.  And in fear of the Lord, the comely bridezilla did the impossible for herself—she took off her bridal dress not for practical purposes.  This time she took it off because God had told her to.  And she dared not think about putting it on again at this moment.  Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.  It had already enticed her to turn on her fiancé with snaps and unkindness and domineering injunctions many times over.  The bridal gown that he bought her ended up impelling her to lord it over him.  And he suffered her haughtiness with Christian patience en masse.  Maybe this wedding dress of ten fabrics was not so enthralling to her now anymore.  Flanders’s bride must be comely to him not only on the outside, but also on the inside.  Godly and good Flanders deserved no bridezilla for a wife.  And Hundred Per Cent was now more sorry for this wedding gown than ever she had been glad for it.  She said to God now, “I will not get married dressed in this.”

God then told her, “Go out back, and set it on fire, My repentant daughter.”  At once she picked up her pile of wedding dress and thought to go outside with it and to set it on fire.  It was dark of night in the isolated countrysides.  Then the Devil said to her, “Woman, are you to go outside as you are right now?”  She looked upon herself as she was right now. Of course.  She was dressed only in her lingerie.  It was not ladylike for a woman to go outside dressed in her underwear. She said to the Devil, “You’re right.”  And she let fall her pile of wedding gown upon the floor of her bedroom and went to her closet to find something to put on for a woman going outside.  She reached for her blue jeans and long-sleeved sweater.  The devil said to her, “Not the sweater.  It is summer outside.”  “You’re right,” she said to the Devil.  She then reached for her black tights and denim skirt and plaid shirt and denim vest.

“None of that,” said the Devil.  “You don’t have enough time to button all those buttons.  You’ll change your mind about what God said.”  “You’re right there, too,” said Hundred to the Devil.  Then Hundred

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did reach for her two-piece swimsuit.  That would be real quick for her to put on and go outside with no delay.  The Devil said, “Not the bikini.  It is too cold outside to have that on this night.”  “You’re right again,” she said to the Devil.  Then she reached for her prom gown of old high school days.  He said, “Not the prom dress.  There is another dress that you would rather put on right now.”  And she said to the Devil, “You’re right like always.”  She pondered on those last words for a moment—those words of Satan saying to her, “There is another dress that you would rather put on right now.”  Then she said to him, “But God told me to go outside right now and set this dress on fire in my fire pit.  Who am I to disobey my Lord?”  And she, in just her lingerie, determined to go outside as she was and obey her Heavenly Father.  She left her closet, picked up her pile of bridal dress, and dared to go outside in her private apparel alone.  She dropped her bridal gown upon her little fire pit in her backyard.  And she realized that she had forgotten to bring matches.  The matches were in her kitchen drawer back in the house.  God said to her, “Silly girl, go and get the matches.”  The Devil said to her, “Your neighbors see you.”  The Devil was a liar.  She felt uncomfortably uncovered.  She was caught now on the horns of dilemma.  Should she go back inside to get the matches and come right back out like this and finish the work that God had for her to do for the good of the marriage tomorrow?  Should she go back inside the house for modesty’s sake and maybe end up staying inside the house for modesty’s sake, and risk disobeying Almighty God in leaving the wedding dress not burned still?  The comely bridezilla felt like she were caught between a Scylla and a Charybdis.  God is truth and light.  Satan is the author of confusion.  And Miss Cent believed the tempter and did not believe the Deliverer from temptations.

It was not proper for a young woman to parade around outside dressed so scantily as she was right now.

And she quickly ran back into the house.  She thought about going for the matches.  But she said to herself, “Tomorrow.” She thought about her wedding dress if left outside all night until tomorrow, and she said to the Devil, “It will not look good for the wedding.”  She thought about her dreams of being that comely bride, and she said to God, “Maybe, after all.”  And then she heard people outside next

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door talking and having a good time.  It was her kind neighbors enjoying their fire pit with a fire again.  Heedless, Hundred nonetheless ran back outside to rescue her wedding dress from the night and its outdoors, herself in her lingerie. As soon as she picked up her dear heap of wedding gown, her neighbors saw her in the dark.  The men there whistled at her lasciviously, and the women laughed at her in wonder and the children stared at her in incomprehension. Embarrassed, of course, Hundred spoke not.  She quickly escaped back into the privacy of her house, having rescued her cherished bridal gown from the damages of the morning dew of what would have been the next day.  And she threw it recklessly upon the floor of her closet.  And she said to her Heavenly Father, “I’m sorry.”  And then she ran right to bed to finish off this troubling day with a good night’s sleep before the big day tomorrow.

            It was the big day for bride and bridegroom.  It was happening in a great ballroom with much seats and much tables and much cooks and much waiters and much banquet and much formal wear for all who had come.  And the wedding was taking place in the ballroom’s chapel, that itself had seating for a thousand.  All of this Baptist church’s flock were here, and that was about one hundred.  And there were over a thousand friends and relatives and colleagues of these one hundred who were also here to see the wedding.  And most of them the comely bridezilla did not know.  But they knew her.  And not all were here to admire the comely bridezilla.  In her stern and dogmatic wedding preparations that so favored her as the bride, she had made enemies of many.  They may have come to see her find her ways to return unto her in judgment of God.  Many did not wish Miss Cent well for this biggest day of her life since salvation.  Indeed of the bridegroom’s family, only the bridegroom smiled at her.  And instead of amity upon the faces of those who had come, the comely bridezilla could see enmity.  She was sorry to have come to her own wedding.  And she feared that the day of the Lord would come upon her at her own wedding.

            Flanders was dressed all in white, most masculine and most princely.  People were smiling at

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him in friendship—both from his family and from her family.  As for Hundred, she was dressed in her glorious wedding gown of ten fabrics.  And she felt miserable in it.  Last night she had decided to rescue it from her fire pit, and she had been compelled to do so by an evil force.  She had been sorry for not having burned it that night, and she was sorry now for wearing it at her wedding altar, and she was thinking to be sorry for wearing it ever after.  How she longed for a wedding dress that she could not brag on right now.  People here hated her for wearing this.  She hated herself for wearing this.  Only good and faithful Flanders Nickels did not hate her now for wearing this.  He loved her bridal dress of ten materials.  And she now had come to rue this bridal dress of ten materials.  It had made her so bad and her life so bad and this wedding ceremony so bad.  It was bad, and she was worse.  It was the image of pride.  And now she was ashamed.  In a silent short petition to God, she dared pray, “Lord, do something to this dress, if You would, before this wedding is over and done.”  She looked around quickly right after having thought this sincere prayer to make sure that no one heard her thoughts.  Nobody knew.  And it looked like none had read her silent lips from this supplication.  Yes.  Only she and God knew.

            Then Pastor Royalty came to the pulpit that was set on this ballroom chapel’s dais.  From the chapel’s seats, over a thousand people saw the bridegroom on the right side and the comely bridezilla on the left side with Pastor facing them from behind his pulpit between them up there upon the stage.

To the right of Flanders was a tall candelabra of brass six feet high and lit with seven lit candles on seven different branches.  To the left of Hundred there was also a six-foot high candelabra with seven lit candles on seven different branches.  Flanders put his hands behind his back where he stood in comforts of blissful anticipation.  His hands bumped the candelabra and jarred it, but it did not fall, and it stood there safe and sound.  A hush passed across the chapel, but instantly all knew that all was all right.  And Flanders quickly put his hands back in front of him self.  And he said, “Thank You, God.”  God’s protecting hand was upon the handsome groom.  And the wedding ceremony began:

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            “Men and women and boys and girls,” began Pastor Royalty, “we are gathered together this day to witness the marriage of Mr. Flanders Arckery Nickels and Miss Hundred Per Cent. It is a sacred union between one man and one woman all the days of the rest of their lives together.  In Proverbs 18:22, God’s Word tell us, ‘Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.’  In Genesis 3:16 God’s Word says to the wife, ‘…; and thy desire shall be to thy husband,…’

And in Hebrews 13:4, God’s Word says, ‘Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled:…’

In I Peter 3:5-7, God’s Word says about marriage:  ‘For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands;  Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord:  whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.  Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.’”  Hundred had heard Pastor and the flock and herself read this passage in responsive reading in her old proud days.  That time she had run out on church.  This time she reacted in humility and with an, “Amen, Pastor!”  God’s Word was good to the husband and to the wife in its Words about marriage.

            Flanders also said a hearty, “Amen, Pastor!”

            Then Pastor continued this wedding.  “Flanders,” he asked, “Do you have your wedding vows ready to give to your bride?”

            The handsome bridegroom looked upon his comely bride.  He saw her bridal dress.  He saw in her bridal dress her great swelling pride.  And he saw in her bridal dress her great swelling pride and her domineering ways in this wedding of which he was excluded by her in all of her preparations.  And Flanders Nickels now saw the bridezilla that everyone else had seen in his stunning Hundred.  Were he to marry this woman, she would be the dominant partner in their marriage.  And God called the man to be the dominant partner in the marriage.  God’s rules for marriage was that the wife submit to her

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husband and that the husband love his wife.  He loved his bride.  But she had not submitted herself

to her husband.  He did not need to think long upon this now.  Right now the marriage-to-be would not endure long, a marriage happy neither for him nor for her.  And he said, “I like not to take this woman for wife.”

            Hundred was shocked.  She looked upon him in dire hurt.  She cried out, “Flanders!”

            Yet the congregation in the chapel went on to actually say, “Amen!”

            In mortification, and not remembering what stood behind her, the comely bridezilla backed up a few steps away from her handsome groom and did bump into something tall and lightweight.  She did not pay attention, nor did she know what she bumped, nor did see see great danger to her life about to take place.  And in ignorance of this accident, Hundred Per Cent said, “Flanders, I love you, and I hate this wedding dress for what it did to hurt you because of myself.  I am wrong, and you are ever right!”

            Suddenly she heard Holly cry out from the back of the chapel, “Fire!”

            The comely bridezilla smelled smoke, and she looked around.  Behold, her wedding gown of ten materials was on fire!  That candelabra of seven lit candles was tipped over onto its side and resting upon the train of her wedding dress.  And her proud “ten different fabrics” were about to be consumed by fire with herself in them!  And right now her dear long train was burning up quickly as she stood there, scared to death and doing nothing.

            At once Flanders Nickels ran to the carving table of the dining hall and grabbed a meat knife and ran back to the chapel.  And he quickly leaned down with his meat knife with the fire on his bride’s train quickly reaching her back ankles now.  And with five swift strokes of this meat knife upon the dress upon the carpet the savvy bridegroom hacked off the burning long train from the rest of the bridal gown that was not on fire.  The comely bride was miraculously saved from burning to death in a great fire.  But the train that was cut off was still blazing upon the carpet of the dais.  This chapel was in danger of burning down unless something could be done.  Here again the resourceful Flanders went

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to work.  Very quickly he tore off his white groom’s tuxedo and he spread it about upon the burning

carpet where the long train had set fire to it, the train already consumed into ashes.  And he began to stamp upon his brand new wedding tuxedo beneath his white shoes.  And he put out the fire on the chapel’s carpet.  Even now there was one last thing that needed to be done.  The seven candles that had fallen down with their candelabra were still lit and ready to start more fires where they lay off to the side.  With bravery and ingenuity Flanders wet his thumb and forefinger with his tongue and put them upon the flame of one of candles and snuffed that flame out in his hands.  And right away he did the same thing six more times over.  Lo, the seven candles were now all snuffed out.  And the bridegroom was the hero of the wedding of the comely bridezilla.  All of the audience yelled out in great favor for him, “Amen, Flanders!”

            Flanders took one look at his bridezilla.  He asked her, “Comely Hundred Per Cent, did you really mean it when you told me that you came to hate your wedding dress and that you came to love me?”

            “I did, O Flanders,” she confessed in truth.  And there at the wedding altar before everybody here in this big chapel, Hundred Cent went on to confess all of her sins that she had done to Flanders and to Holly because of her pride.  And her true repentance was rife with apologies and asking forgiveness from both groom and best friend.   And when this was done, it was one hour later.

            Holly then called out from the back of the chapel, “Forgive her, Flanders.  I do.”

            And with no further delay, Flanders said, “I forgive you, Hundred.

            A moment of quiet came upon the crowd of over one thousand.  They forgave her, too.

            And Flanders asked, “Would you marry me, comely Hundred?”

            And Hundred happily said, “I will, Flanders!”

            And Pastor married Flanders and Hundred, the groom without a suit jacket, and the bride without a train.

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            The next day, Hundred Per Nickels, in her blue jeans and sweater and bare feet for her first time in a long time, sat in Holly’s living room with Flanders and Holly.  Yesterday, at the marriage altar, the comely repentant bride had said “I’m sorry,” to her groom and best friend for a most lengthy confession.  Alone with them now, Hundred now went on to make compensation to them for her sins.  First of all, she said to Flanders, “This wedding dress that you paid for for me, Hubby…I shall reimburse you for this.”  And she held up the remains of her bridal dress that had escaped the fire at the altar.  She then neatly folded it up and set it upon the floor of the living room.  Then she got her purse, pulled out her checkbook and pen, and began to write in it.  And when she was done, she tore out the check and gave it to Flanders.  She said, “No better husband has any wife had than the husband this wife has been blessed with by the Good Lord, O Flanders. “

            He reluctantly took the check and looked upon it.  And he said, “Hundred, this is double of what I paid for your wedding dress.”

            And she said, “It’s yours, Husband.  And this bridal gown is no more between us.”  She then picked up the folded pile of wedding dress, held it in the air before her eyes, and let it fall back down upon the floor still intact in its meticulous folds.

            “How can you pay me back for this?” asked Flanders, knowing her poorness.

            “After I humbled myself yesterday in front of everybody, and hopefully made things right, Holly here went on take took up a collection for the two of us, and we got a fortune from our big audience,” said Hundred.  “I never expected that.”

            Holly went and said, “Hundred and I spent part of the evening counting it.  I have never seen so much money before, nor so big a pile of cash, Flanders.”

            “I refuse this gift of money,” said Flanders most nobly.

            “I owe it to you,” said Hundred.  “I was a bridezilla.”

            “And now you are my faithful wife,” he said to her in no regrets.

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            “He’s saying for you to keep the bridal gown, Hundred,” said Holly.

            “And to keep the fee, O stunning Hundred,” added Flanders in ardor.

            “What would a woman want with a wedding dress that survived a fire?” asked Hundred.

            “I will miss this wedding gown of ten fabrics,” said Flanders with regrets.

            “I must confiscate that dress,” said the comely wife.  “It is harmful to our marriage.”

            “You could keep it for sentimental reasons,” said Holly.

            “I shall have no more to do with this dress,” proclaimed Hundred most prudently.

            “Let us burn it then,” said Flanders.

            “Hubby, will you keep the money for yourself as I wish you to?” asked Hundred.

            “I shall keep the money,” he said in concession.  And he folded it up, put it into his wallet, and thanked Hundred most sincerely.

            Then Hundred went on to say to Holly, “And I am going to pay you back for all of the time and money and patience that you gave me for all of the work that I had made you to do for me.”

            “All of it was quite the chore,” said Holly now.

            “The whole wedding that you paid for for me was almost as much as the cost of my wedding dress, best friend,” confessed Hundred.

            “Best friends do things for best friends,” said Holly.

            “As the bridezilla, I was thinking that best friends owe best friends,” said Hundred.  “But now I know that, instead, best friends do things for best friends out of love.  Now I want to make myself the latter kind of best friend for you, Holly.”

            And Hundred again began to write in her checkbook with her pen, tore out this check, and gave it to Holly.

            “Why, this is double what I spent on you, too, Hundred,” said Holly.

            “I shall take advantage of you never more again, O Holly,” said Hundred.  “I hope that this

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makes up for it a little.”

            “It does!  It does!” said Holly.  “It does much!”  And she carefully put this check into her purse.

            Then Hundred said, “I still have a little bit left over from the gifts of money that we got, Hubby.”

            “Allow me to find a good way to spend it, O comely wife,” he said to her.

            “What did you have in mind, Husband?” she asked with bated breath.

            “We can now afford a honeymoon that we could not before,” he said.

            “We get a honeymoon after all?” she asked.

            “God is good to His children, wayward and errant as we both have been,” said Flanders.

            Right then, Hundred got up and sat down on Flanders’s lap on the sofa.  Holly was in the rocking chair.  Holly said, “My two friends seem to be getting frisky with each other.”

            “How better for a newlywed couple to begin their marriage,” said Hundred.

            “Thank you for the check, Hundred,” said Holly.

            “Thank you for the check, Hundred,” said Flanders.

            “Thank you for the honeymoon, Flanders,” said Hundred.

            “Comely Hundred Nickels, let’s run away and begin our new life together,” said Flanders.

            “Let us run away to a magical world,” said Hundred.

            And Flanders picked up Hundred and swept her off of her feet and carried her out of Holly’s house.

            “Flanders, Hundred,” called forth Holly from her living room, “what about the wedding dress of ten fabrics?”

            “Take it or burn it, Holly,” said Hundred in consummate repentance.

            “It’s all yours now, Holly,” said Flanders.

            And husband and wife ran away together to a place of magic and romance and enchantment.

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