Blog

THE SHETLAND SHEEPDOG KEEPER

By Mr. Morgan P. McCarthy

            Her name was Miss Flaurie Shelty Boroughs, and she was a Shetland Sheepdog keeper.  In fact she was a mistress to seven of them—a young dad Sheltie and a young mom Sheltie and five one-year-old grown-up puppy Shelties.   The Sheltie parents were called “Tea,” (the father), and “Coffee” (the mother).  And the five young ones were called, “Shelby” and “Trilby” and “Alby” and “Colby” and “Welby.”  This day with her dogs, as in all of her days, Flaurie Boroughs had on her expensive wedding dress.  She was not a bride yet.  But she hoped to become a bride someday soon.  She had been praying to God for a groom to come into her life.  And she wanted to be ready for him when he came.  So she put on her special wedding dress every day that she got up.  It fit her quite well, and she felt comfortable in it, and she felt stunning in it.  It was a bridal dress from the days of the 1990’s, days when the styles were akin to “fairy princess bridal gowns.” Such as her own was made of pure white silk and had long sleeves and had a Basque waistline and had a long train.  “I kind of have a fetish, Lord,” she prayed lightheartedly to her God about her favorite garment.  And God looked down upon

Page 1

her and was well-pleased with her in her faith and in her unique bonding with Him so spontaneous and so sincere.  This Shetland Sheepdog keeper was a born-again Christian living for Jesus.  Flaurie Boroughs was not from around here.  Earth was a place to which she had immigrated.  Emigrants came to Earth from the other planets of the solar system to live their lives.  Flaurie had come from Venus.   And once she had discovered Shetland Sheepdogs upon her visit to Earth, at once she decided to settle down here on Earth with her own Sheltie family.  And she was happy being a Shetland Sheepdog Keeper.  And she liked how the men looked on Earth.  Flaurie Borough’s complexion was quite green.  Her irises were a jet black.  Her nose was squat and triangular.  Her two lips protruded kind of like a simian’s, hiding her teeth within.  She had fifty teeth—twenty-six teeth above and twenty-four teeth below—all filling her mouth completely.  Her chin was small.  And her hair was purple, and it was wild and untamed and long, hanging down all the sides of her head.  Further, Miss Boroughs was a slender woman.  She stood five feet seven-and-one-half inches.  And she weighed about one hundred twenty pounds.  But the one thing that Flaurie Boroughs was the most—even more so than being a Sheltie keeper and more so than being a prospective bride—was being a born-again believer:  praying daily, reading her Bible daily, going to the Baptist church every time its doors were open, doing good deeds to others, saved or unsaved.  Miss Boroughs lived in a tiny town called, “Kunesh,” in Wisconsin.

Her house and her Shetland Sheepdog kennels were in the southwest corner of the intersection of Kunesh West Road and County Trunk U.  Her countryside yard had different sections to it.  First of all was her mowed section of yard close to the house.  That covered two acres.  Second of all was her unmowed section of yard way out back.  That covered four acres.  Her yard close to the house consisted of a first side yard and a second side yard and a front yard in front of the house and a front yard on the other side of the driveway and an orchard and a backyard which contained various red buildings and the big red kennel.  Her yard behind all of this—the back four acres—was as wild as her very hair itself.  Along its front edge were a patch of wild weeds all of the same kind, and all about nine feet in

Page 2

height.  In scattered places of this unmowed yard were numerous mullein plants with their tall five foot statures and their fuzzy green stems and their yellow flowers on top.  But predominant in this back four acres were new saplings of box elder trees whose tops did not go up to her head.  And in the back corner of her four acres out back, was a dry creek bed that flowed with water every spring in Wisconsin’s spring thaws in this north country.  A bridge for this spring thaw creek lay underneath County Trunk U just beyond the back of her back four.  At one time this bridge was a little cement structure underneath this county highway.  But workmen changed it now into a wide and round culvert of steel running underneath County U.  There was no runoff of flowing water back here now, it being fall time of year.  And around Miss Borough’s back four were a farmer’s field of corn belonging to her neighbor down the road.

            This day, Flaurie in her bridal dress was frolicking with her seven Shetland Sheepdogs in the back four.  The Shetland Sheepdog keeper paused from their games, and she looked up at the sun.  It looked to be the sun of high noon.  And Miss Boroughs said in third person narrative, “Boy and girls, it is almost time for your mistress.  Yesterday, as she was praying for a boyfriend to come into her life, the Good Lord answered her prayer and told her to be at the bridge of County U the next day about that time.  Looking at her clock right then, this woman saw it say ‘12:15 P.M.’  It is about that now this day.

Your mistress is going to have a Christian boyfriend finally real soon.  She wants you seven to be with her when he comes along.  He will be walking down County Trunk U as she and you are waiting there.

Do come with your mistress to the bridge and let us see the man that God has for your keeper.”

            Then the Shetland Sheepdog keeper praised God, saying, “It is written, ‘The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.’  Lamentations 3:25.  Again it is written, ‘Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is.’  Jeremiah 17:7.”  Boys and girls, let us run now to our little bridge!  And the mistress and her seven pet miniature Collies ran beyond the back four acres, through a short stretch of corn field, and up to the dry empty steel culvert, Miss

Page 3

Boroughs saying, “Weeeee!” as if she were sledding downhill in a Wisconsin winter land.  Coffee the young matriarch, got there first.  Being well-trained by her keeper, Coffee did not step up or into the road where there was traffic.  Tea, the patriarch, got there second.  Being well-trained himself, he went ahead and looked both ways, then crossed over to the other side of the county trunk.  With a nudge of her muzzle, Coffee warned her five offspring not to step out into the road. Looking across to the other side and seeing her Tea over there, Flaurie sang out, “Come back and join us, good boy.”  And Tea looked both ways again, but saw traffic coming; so he went down to the bank, and he walked through the big steel culvert pipe underneath the road, and did come back out onto Flaurie’s side of the road.

“You wily Sheltie, O Tea!” sang out the mistress in great affections.  And she laughed out loud at his tease of her.  And he was most glad to hear his mistress laugh with him.  Miss Boroughs then went about to hug each of her seven Shetland Sheepdogs and to kiss them on their heads in sweet affection.

And she said, “I wonder what the guy will look like.”

            With the family of Shetland Sheepdogs sitting upon the lower bank of the road in front of the big culvert, their keeper climbed up upon the big culvert pipe on this side of the road, spread out her skirt portion of her wedding dress about her, and sat down on the edge of this culvert before them, her feet over the edge and herself somewhat elevated before her captive canine audience before her.   And she said, “God told me that my prospective groom has to say three things to me to determine for myself if he is the right man for me or the wrong man for me. If he says none of the three, he is wrong.  If he says only one of the three, he is wrong.  If he says only two of the three, he is wrong.  Only if he says all three is he the right one.  The first statement he must say to me is ‘Vaya con Dios.’  That is Spanish for ‘Go with God.’  If he says that, he is a born-again Christian like myself, and God will let me date him.  If he does not say that, he is not a born-again Christian like myself, and God will not let me date him.  The second statement he must say to me is, ‘Cherchez la femme.’  That’s French for ‘Look for the woman.’  If he can sincerely say that, then that will tell me that he is single and eligible and looking for

Page 4

a girlfriend.  He would be available.  If he cannot sincerely say that about me, then that will tell me that he already has a wife or a girlfriend or an ex.  He would not be available.  And the third thing he must say to me is, ‘God bless your Shetland Sheepdogs that you keep.’  If he can say that to me, then I will know that he loves you seven just as I love you seven.  He would be ours.  If he cannot say that to me, then I will know that he does not love you seven Shelties.  He would not be ours, then, O boys and girls.”

            The seven Shetland Sheepdogs were looking up at their mistress in rapt attention to her words and in keen savvy of understanding of what she was telling them.  The keeper looked up behind herself to see if a man were there.  He was not here yet, but it would be soon.  She then turned back to her family of Shelties and said to them, “You may go and play now.”  And they all ran into the culvert of a bridge that Tea had previously ventured through before this speech.  And they began to play fun canine games as Shelties can do best there underneath County Trunk U.  And the bride stood up and approached the gravel on the side of the road and looked south and looked north and saw none, but waited upon God, there right at the road.

            Then she looked south again, and, behold, a man walking north up this County U and coming toward her.  She thought that her eyes were playing tricks on her:  He truly seemed tall as the elm trees over there from here where she stood watching.  Was he the one that God was sending for her?  Their eyes caught each other.  And he came up to her, stopped before her, and said to her, “Hi, Ma’am.”  Indeed his shoulders were way above her head.  But his face was not smiling at her.  Then he went and said to her, “I’m tall.”

            Unsure with his disagreeable expression, she said, “That you are, sir.”

            And he said, “Seven feet and one inch tall at that, Miss.”

            She was bending her head back just to see him.  Uncomfortable with doing this, she asked him,

“What’s your name, may I ask?”

Page 5

            He chose to say again to her, “I’m tall.”

            “’Tau?’” she asked.  “Are you saying that your name is ‘Tau?’”  He shook his head way up there in an ire at her, and he looked way down and gave a scowl upon her dogs.

            He spoke again, with some apparent good will, saying, “How do you do?”

            Tentative, Flaurie answered, “I’ve got God.  I’ve got my Shelties.  I’ve got a home in Heaven waiting for me.  I would say, ‘Life is good.’”

            “You know all of that for sure?” he challenged her.

            “Uh huh,” she said.  “I’m born again.”

            “Too bad.  Poor woman.  Not for me,” he said.

            Skeptical about this too tall of a fellow, Flaurie Boroughs went ahead and said, “Vaya con Dios.”

            “Young lady, for me, it’s ‘Vaya con el Diablo,’” he said most contentiously at her.

            “You mean, ‘Go with the Devil?’” she asked, shocked.

            He then went on to brag in more Spanish, “Yo bailo con el diablo en el oscuro.”

            Translating his bold utterance, Miss Boroughs asked, “You dance with the Devil in the dark?”

            “John Milton once wrote, ‘It is better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven,’young miss,” said this tall guy.

            “Sir, no one rules in Hell.  All in Hell suffer eternal torments in the lake of fire.” she preached truth to him.

            Yet he went on to say, “I majored in Spanish at St. Norbert College with a Summa Cum Laude degree.”

            Losing her confidence, the Shetland Sheepdog keeper said her second test question for this first man who had come along, saying, “Cherchez la femme?”

            “Ah, French now we are speaking,” he said.  “I wrote a thesis about King Louis XIV and

Page 6

Versailles in my days at the University of Sorbonne for my Master of Arts Degree for my French major.  And I cannot say to myself, ‘Cherchez la femme.’  What I do say for myself, young lady, is ‘Cherchez l’argent!  Cherchez beaucoup d’argent.’”

            Translating this basic French, Flaurie asked, “‘Look for money?  Look for lots of money?’”

            “Yes, young woman,” he said in contempt.  “Right now I have so much money that I could buy this pathetic little town in the sticks lock, stock, and barrel.”

            “Don’t you look at pretty girls?” she asked.

            “No!  I look at pretty cash and pretty coins and pretty checks and pretty bonds and pretty stocks,” he told her bluntly.

            “What do you think about dogs?” she asked.

            “I don’t look at them,” he said.

            “What do you think about Shetland Sheepdogs?” she asked.

            “I don’t care for them,” he said.

            “What do you think about my Shelties?” she asked.

            “I don’t like them,” he said.

            No giving up on this tall cold fellow, Flaurie clapped her hands together, and summoned her seven Shetland Sheepdogs, “Boys and girls, make your pyramid for your mistress.”

            And the Shelties went to work:  Tea and Coffee drew next to each other and stood before their mistress, themselves side-to-side.  Then Trilby and Shelby came up to their mom and dad and climbed up upon their backs and stood sure and steady up there.   Then Colby and Welby came up, climbed up Tea’s and Coffee’s back, then climbed up Trilby’s and Shelby’s back.  And these two stood sure and steady there, three dogs high.  Last came Alby, who climbed up three tiers of dogs, and who stood sure and strong alone upon the fourth tier of dogs.

            “What hath God wrought!” bragged the keeper of her clever and sagacious Shetland Sheepdogs.

Page 7

“This, O sir, is our pyramid.  What do you think?”

            “They should be in a circus,” scoffed this rude man to the denigration of the skills and talent that goes into a performance of a circus.

            “Sir?” she asked, put out.

            “I’m tall.  And the dog on top of your pyramid does not even reach my head,” he said.

            “Sir, at least you could try and bless my Shetland Sheepdogs,” she said, offended.

            “Allow me to curse your Shetland Sheepdogs,” he said.  And at once he walked away, saying nothing and not turning back.  He was not the man for her from God.

            The keeper then slapped her hands together and said, “Boys and girls, dismount.”  And the fourth level Sheltie climbed down first; then the two third level Shelties came down; then the two second level Shelties came down. Discouraged, their mistress said to them, “I hope today does not end the way it began here along County U.”

            Yet Flaurie stayed here at the roadside and waited upon the Good Lord.

            Soon another young man came up her road., walking north.  From far away he looked to be hardly the height of a mailbox post.  And as he drew nearer, he did not seem to get any taller.  Behold, a man no taller than a boy standing before her now.  He was a real little man.  He looked like a jovial and merry leprechaun.  And he said to her, “Young miss, you have on a very pretty wedding dress.”

            “Why, thank you, sir,” she said, flattered by this unusual and kind little guy.

            “I know why you’re looking at me,” he said.

            “I’m looking at you, because I am talking to you,” she said, part in query upon his meaning.

            “I know why you are looking at me,” he said again.  “You have never seen a midget before.”

Then he made a fun joke about himself, saying, “If I can be said to be vertically challenged, I am guilty as charged.”  And he bowed before her in greeting.  She liked this little fellow.

            “How tall are you?” she asked.

Page 8

            “You mean, ‘How short are you?’” he said about himself.  Then he answered, “I say that I am three feet eleven inches tall.  Dad says that I am two feet twenty-three inches tall.  Mom says that I am four feet negative one inches tall.”

            “Such ways to say the same thing, good fellow,” she said, herself good at math.

            He then asked, “Pretty bride, are you getting married today?”

            She looked down upon her bridal dress in reverie, and she said, “I’d like that.  Maybe soon though.  God will send me my groom this day.  And I am waiting upon the Lord.”

            “Could God do that for a bride?” asked the little man.

            “He can.  He can,” said Flaurie Boroughs.  Maybe it was to be this fellow.  And she tested him in the Lord, “Vaya con Dios, O sir?”

            He showed thought to his leprechaun-type face, then said, “’Dios’ is Spanish for ‘God.’  What does the rest of that phrase mean, may I ask?”

            “It means, ‘Go with God.’  Christians live that way in their lives,” she said.

            “Christians?” he asked, taken somewhat aback.

            “Are you a Christian?” she asked.

            “Nope!” he said tersely.

            “Do you want to become a Christian right now?” she asked.

            “Nope!” he said curtly once again.

            “Will you want to become a Christian someday?” she asked.

            “Nope!’ he said, offended.

            This first utterance of the three that she needed him to say to pass God’s test was a discouraging, “No.”  But she kind of liked this guy.  And she continued on, determined.

            She tested him now with, “Cherchez la femme?”

            He studied her words with his countenance, and he said, “Is ‘la femme’ French for ‘the

Page 9

woman?’”

            “It is,” she said.

            “What does the whole thing say?” he asked.

            “It means, ‘Look for the woman.’” she said.  “A man who is wishing for a girlfriend would say something like that to himself.”

            “To that three-word French saying, I can say, “I am indeed looking for a girlfriend to come into my life,’” said the real little guy.

            “Are you single?” she asked hastily.

            He turned his head to the side at her in a little show of rebuke and said, “Of course I am not married to another right now.”

            “You’re right,” she said.  “I’m sorry.”  How brash that was of her.  Nonetheless, the Word of God expressly said that a saved woman must not have an unsaved boyfriend or unsaved husband.  Himself having rejected Flaurie’s Christ, he was quite the wrong man for a born-again lady like herself.

            But she could now only think of how available he seemed to be, lonely like herself and seeking a companion like herself.

            And Flaurie Boroughs went on to test question number three that had to be said.  And she asked him, “So, sir, what do you think about my Shetland Sheepdogs?”

            And he said a blank, “So what do they do for you?”

            “They make me happy in life…like seven best friends in the world.” she did say.

            “They look awfully muddy,” he said, surprisingly.

            “Boys and girls,” she called out to them.  “Come and greet our visitor from the road.”

            At once the seven wise Shetland Sheepdogs formed a horizontal single-file line before the dwarf of the guy.  They each looked up at him in his face all in unison.  They each gave one bark of “Hello!” to him all in unison.  And they each raised their right fore paws before the man for a

Page 10

handshake all in unison.

            “Tsk!  Tsk!” said the short little man.

            “What’s wrong, sir?” asked the Shetland Sheepdog keeper.

            “I can see that they all have mud on their paws.  And they expect me to shake their hands?  I shall have nothing to do with mud,” he said in a huff.

            “You do not like my Shetland Sheepdogs?” she asked.

            “They have burrs and thistles in their coats probably from running around too much in this countryside,” he said.  “And I would say that there are wood ticks on them, too.  And these animals look like they would love to jump into a lake and get all filthy with water,” he went on to malign the Shetland Sheepdogs of their keeper.

            “Would you bless my Shelties?” she asked.

            “I will not,” he said.  “The only animals that I would bless are cats.”

            He began to walk away.  She called out, “You will not stay?”

            “I would if you had cats, but not these dirty dogs,” he said.  And he said no more.  And he was gone.

            The five grown-up puppies looked at Coffee.  Coffee looked at Tea.  Tea looked at Flaurie.  And Flaurie sighed and said, “Boys and girls, he was not the right one for me from the Lord.”

            She waited alongside County Trunk U some more.  And it was not long before a third guy came toward her, himself also walking north.  From far away he looked like a big wide shrub of a fellow.  And as he came closer, he truly looked almost as wide as he was tall.  He was wobbling left and right as he walked due to his great weight.  He did not look like the man that Flaurie would wish to have.  But the first thing he said to her when he came to her was, “Maranatha, O woman from far away.”

            “Maranatha, O large sir,” she said.  Truly he had to be a Christian, having said that to her.  Then she tested him, saying, “And vaya con Dios, sir.”

Page 11

            “Vaya con Dios, milady,” he said with a gracious bow.  “I am one big man in Christ.”

            In flirt she asked, “How big a man in Christ are you?”

            “Four hundred ten pounds big,” he bragged.

            “How long have you been a believer?” she asked.

            “Since back when I weighed only three hundred pounds,” he said.

            “That’s big, sir,” she said, assured of him with his mirthful demeanor.

            “I have a saying about myself that everybody likes me to say,” he said.

            “What is it?” she asked.

            “I’m not fat; I’m just short for my weight,” he answered her.  Both laughed. This man was most agreeable to her right now.

            “Are you single?” she asked.

            “I am,” he said.  But then he said, “That’s because no woman would have me.”

            “How come?” asked Flaurie Boroughs.

            “As my big brother always says, ‘If you want to fight, get married,’” said this large man.

            “What do you think about the French phrase, ‘Cherchez la femme?’” asked Miss Boroughs.

            “Women are trouble,” he said, apologetically.

            “Even us brides?” asked Flaurie.

            “Especially brides,” he said.

            “How about us extraterrestrial women?” she asked.

            “Extraterrestrial women are the worst,” he said.

            “What about me, sir?  What do you think about myself?” asked the girl from Venus.

            “You know what they say, ‘Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus,’ or ‘Men are from

Venus, and women are from Mars,’ or something like that,” he said in humble sincerity.

            He then looked down upon her Shetland Sheepdogs in the ditch, playing.

Page 12

            Not giving up, the keeper asked, “If you don’t like me, maybe you can get to like my Shetland Sheepdogs.”

            “Seven little dogs,” he said, looking down upon them.  “’Dog’ backwards spells ‘God.’”

            Encouraged by this praise, she said, “God created dogs.”

            “Dogs on walks go and establish their territory with puddles and piles in the grass,” he said.  “I tend to think that that proves them to be not so intellectual.  That kind of thing makes them look ignorant to me.”

            “My dogs don’t do that,” said Flaurie Boroughs.

            “Do your dogs display intelligence, hopefully?” he asked.

            “For sure, sir,” she said.  “My Shetland Sheepdogs can do tricks.”

            “What kinds of tricks?” he asked, perking up into interest.

            “My Shelties can write in the sand,” she said.

            “Dogs cannot write in the sand,” he said.

            “Mine do,” said the Shetland Sheepdog keeper.

            “Prove it,” he said, eager to see.

            Flaurie looked down upon Coffee.  And she said to her, “Good girl, would you write your name in the sand for this gentleman?”

            There before the big steel culvert, Coffee went to work in the sand down there with her right fore paw, indeed drawing in the sand real human letters in the English language.  And not too long later, she was done, and she looked up at her mistress and her visitor.

            The corpulent man looked down and read this writing out loud, “Coffee.”  He then looked at the mom Shetland Sheepdog and asked, “Is that really your name?”  Coffee barked once and nodded her head in a, “Yes.”

            Yet this man went and said, “Teachers are teaching Kindergarten children to print their names.

Page 13

This Coffee of yours is no better than a Kindergartner.”

            “Well!” said Flaurie Boroughs, insulted.

            Yet he went on to say, “Show me another dog trick that your Shelties can do.”

            “My Tea is even more clever than my Coffee,” bragged Flaurie on her dog patriarch of the family.  “He can write his name in the sand, too, and with his left fore paw.”

            “Child’s play,” said the fat man.  “I will believe only if he writes his name backwards in the sand.”

            “That Tea can do,” said Flaurie.  And she looked down upon the dad Sheltie, and she asked him, “Tea, would you right your name in the sand, but with your left paw and backwards for this man?”

            Tea nodded his head, barked an assent, and went to work.  And when he was done, there it was, written in the sand.

            “Read that, if you would, and believe,” challenged Flaurie the obese man.

            “AET,” read the doubter.

            “Do you believe in my Shetland Sheepdogs now?” she asked.  “Would you bless them now with a good word to them?”

            But to this, the big man said, “I learned how to spell backwards when I was seven years old.”

            “Tea is only five years old,” said Miss Boroughs in defense of her brightest Sheltie.

            In scorn, this man said between his teeth, “Ts!”

            “You do not love dogs,” she said.

            “Crazy dog dame!” he scoffed at her.  And he walked away without another word.

            Keeping the faith, the Shetland Sheepdog keeper said, “The third fellow was from the Devil, too, O boys and girls.  We must wait for the fourth fellow and see if he comes from God.”  And mistress and dog family waited not long for the next prospective groom to come along.  This fourth walker along County U looked like a little dead Christmas tree as he walked, a tree barren and bare

Page 14

and all dried up.  He, too, was walking north.  And as he came closer, Flaurie said to her Shetland Sheepdog family, “If anorexia is a malady that does not happen only to women it surely looks like it happened to this fellow”.  Soon he stood before her in a short-sleeved shirt and a pair of denim shorts and no socks and a pair of shoes. His arms looked like sticks.  His legs looked like sticks.  His chest showed ribs.  And his face looked sickly pale.  He truly looked like the grim reaper.  But she secretly prayed to accept this man from God were he the one to pass the three tests.

            He spoke first, with a guttural voice, saying to her, “It is not polite to stare, O pretty and healthy bride from beyond.”  Patience exuded in his tone.

            “I am sorry, kind sir,” she said.

            “As you can tell, I don’t like to eat,” he said.  “If I eat, I will get fat.  Then I will be unhappy with myself.  I weigh ninety pounds.  And I have to lose just a few more pounds.  Then I can get to eat a little more.  If I am careful.”

            “What do you like to do in your life?” she asked, trying to find out about him.

            “I read the Bible,” he said,  “It is written, ‘…; I have esteemed the words of his mouth more than my necessary food.’  Job 23:12.”

            “What else do you do for fun?” she asked.

            “I love to pray,” he said. “Both alone with God and in prayer circles.”

            “Do you love church, too?” she asked.

            “Yes,” he said,  “Only Baptist churches.”

            “You are a great Christian, sir,” she said.

            “As we Christians say, pretty green bride, ‘Vaya con Dios!’”

            And she asked, “Are you married or have a girlfriend?”

            “I have neither wife nor girlfriend,” he said.

            “Would you like a wife or girlfriend?” she asked.

Page 15

            “I would like a wife or girlfriend,” he said.

            “Cherchez la femme?” she asked.

            “Indeed, comely bride of a distant world, ‘Cherchez la femme,’” he did say to Flaurie.

            “How about the woman talking with you now?” she asked.

            “You are a strikingly stunning young woman,” he told her.  “You are not from this planet.”

            “I am not,” she said.

            “I find extraterrestrial girls more attractive than I do Earth girls,” he said.  “Are you Martian or Venusian or from beyond?”

            “I was born in Venus,” she said.

            “How exciting my life would be with a girl from Venus as my companion,” he did say.

            “I would be honored to be your companion-in-Christ,” she said.

            “What’s your name?” he asked her.

            “My name is, ‘Flaurie,’” she said.  “What’s your name?”

            To this this bare bones type of guy went and said, “I have no name.”

            “I thought everybody had a name,” said Miss Boroughs.

            “Not me.  When I was born, Mom and Dad did not give me a name,” said this gaunt prospective groom.

            “That is the oddest thing I ever heard from a guy,” she said, not sure what to make of this fellow all of a sudden now.

            Yet he went on to say something even odder, “’As for myself, I am not ready to have a name of my own.”

            “You do not want to have a name?” she asked.

            Then he said ingratiatingly, “If you wish to come up with a name for me, all you need to do is to tell me what it is, and I will take that name from you just for myself, stunning Flaurie.”

Page 16

            Nonetheless, doubts came to Flaurie Borough’s mind about this nameless young sickly man.

            He then asked, “Whose are all of those dogs barking in the culvert underneath this road?”

He put his index finger to his nose as if to sneeze, but no sneeze came.

            “They are mine,” she said with confidence.

            “I pray God that you are just teasing me, O Flaurie,” he said.

            “No.  They are mine, O friend,” she said.  “They love people.”

            “I pray God for mercy,” he said, looking up to Heaven.  He put his index finger to his nose again, and almost sneezed, but it died out in the end.

            Not cognizant of the signs, the Shetland Sheepdog keeper went on to say,  “And you will love them, too.”

            He backed away from Flaurie.

            Flaurie Boroughs clapped her hands and called out below, “Boys and girls, come up here and meet your new friend.”

            The anorexic man stood there, brave and longsuffering and ready for the worst for himself.  He again put his index finger to his nose.  And the seven adoring Shetland Sheepdogs came right up to him and nestled against all the parts of his legs in friendship as he stood there, apprehensive.  And he sneezed.  It was so severe a sneeze that his head snapped back hard, and he hurt his neck having that happen.  He sneezed again, and this time both of his feet lifted up off of the ground.  He sneezed again and cried up to God, “O Heavenly Father, let me breathe again, if it be Your will.”

            “Sir, are you sick?” she asked.

            He began to scratch himself all over and to wheeze and to turn red in his face and to gasp for air; and his nose ran, and his eyes watered, and his face turned disorientated.

            “Sir, you’re not well,” said the Shetland Sheepdog keeper.  “Can I help?”

            In a paroxysm of frighteningly severe sneezing, he said to her, “Stunning Flaurie, get rid of the

Page 17

dogs, and I shall live.”

            And Flaurie now knew that this prospective groom was dangerously allergic to her family of Shelties.

            “Boys and girls,” she called out despondently, “heel.”

            At once the Shetland Sheepdogs left this man and came and sat down at their mistress’s side.

            She awaited further words from this fourth man to come along for her this day.  But, instead, without a word, this gaunt man walked away, sneezing, not to come back for her.  She watched him until his sneezes stopped.  Then she said, “Boys and girls, he could not honestly bless you seven.  He’s wrong for me in God, also.”

            Was there going to be a fifth prospective groom come to her this day?  Would he be her one?

If not him, from where would such a groom come?  God said that there would be a bridegroom coming for her on this County U.  God had her to come here.  God would not fail her or forsake her.  God would not break His promise.  But there arose great doubts in this lonely Bride’s heart.  Thinking upon the right Scripture for her in this time of doubts, Flaurie Boroughs said, “Boys and girls, it is written in Romans 4:19-21, ‘And being not weak in faith, he considered not his own body now dead, when he was about an hundred years old, neither yet the deadness of Sarah’s womb:  He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God;  And being fully persuaded that, what he had promised, he was able also to perform.’”  The Shetland Sheepdog keeper went on to say to her especial loved ones, “God had promised Abraham a son.  Years went by, and that son had not yet come.  And after a part of a lifetime, Sarah, Abraham’s wife, turned ninety years old.

But Abraham continued believing God’s Word spoken to him by God.  This Friend of God knew in faith that whatever God said would happen would come to happen.  And, lo, Sarah gave birth to Isaac, the son of promise.  God was right.  And Abraham was right to have his faith in the God Who cannot lie.”  Then the bride Flaurie went on to say, “I shall have the same faith in the same God today, four

Page 18

thousand years later.  The God of Abraham is the same God of myself.  He will send a groom this bride’s way.  And he will be the right man for all eight of us.”

            And the Shetland Sheepdog keeper and her seven Shetland Sheepdogs waited for the next prospective man to come walking north on County U.

            Behold, a man this time walking south on County U toward Flaurie and her Shelties.  From far away he looked to be much her height and much her weight.  He must have been a shorter man than most, herself being a taller woman than most.  And he was a thin guy just as she was a thin gal.  And when he drew closer, she could see a most manifest overbite to his smile.  Buck teeth!  Real cute!  She liked this!  Then he stood before her, and he said to her, “Howdy, Ma’am.”

            She greeted him back, saying, “Howdy, sir.”

            “I am from Anston,” he said.

            “I live right here in Kunesh,” she said.

            “Kind of like the twin cities,” he said in good lightheartedness.

            “Your town has the Better-Built Wood Products Company, and my town has the Industrial Engraving and Manufacturing Plant.” she said.

            The Shetland Sheepdogs awaited their keeper’s word before they huddled around this new man of the day.

            This man then said, “My name is ‘Flanders.’”

            This woman said, “My name is ‘Flaurie.’”

            Flanders went on to say, “This morning God had told me to walk a mile to Kunesh here and to walk down County Trunk U for a reason I did not know.”  He went on to say, “Who am I as a born-again believer to disobey the God of blessings?   And now I am here.”

            Flaurie then told him, “Flanders, God told me yesterday about this time to go out back today and to stand by this County U bridge and to wait for a guy to come along.  I obeyed my Heavenly

Page 19

Father, as you can see.   Here I am.”

            “You are a most stunning young bride, Flaurie,” he said.

            “I am seeking a handsome young bridegroom, Flanders,” she said.

            A silent and thoughtful moment passed between the two.  And Flanders asked, “You do not yet have a bridegroom, Flaurie?”

            “God said that this groom would come walking down this County Highway U for me this day,” she said.

            “God wills me to become that groom,” said Flanders in understanding.

            “Do you wish to become a groom to a girl from a far away planet, Flanders?” asked Flaurie.

            “I have been lonely in my happy years with Christ,” he did say.

            “Vaya con Dios, Flanders?” she asked the first test question awkwardly.

            “That’s Spanish.  Isn’t it?” he asked.

            “Yes, Flanders,” she said.

            “What’s it say?” he asked.

            “I was told by God that I have to ask three questions of the man who comes walking down this road by my yard, Flanders.  That was the first question,” she did say.

            “Does ‘Vaya con Dios’ have anything to do with God?” he asked.

            “It does,” she said, sure of the answer from him to this test question.

            And Flanders answered this question, “I got born again by the blood of the Lamb several years ago.  Since then, I have prayed for the salvation of my whole family—Mom and Dad and Big Sister and Big Brother and Little Brother and Niece—and they all got mightily saved.  And I love to study and memorize from my King James Bible.  And I love going to Rapture Baptist Church down the road from me every time the doors are open for a worship service.”

            This man with the overbite had the best answer to this first test query of any of the five men on

Page 20

this road this day for her.  And he completed this answer now by saying, “I believe that I can say, ‘Vaya con Dios, stunning Flaurie.”

            Surely God would say to this man, when he got to Heaven, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.”

            Second, Flaurie Boroughs asked this handsome guy, “Cherchez la femme, O Flanders?”

            “That sounds like it could be French,” he said.

            “It is,” said the Shetland Sheepdog keeper.

            “What’s it mean?” he asked.

            “It translates to ‘Look for the woman,’” she said.

            “What does it mean for us today?” he asked in sincere search.

            “It is basically myself asking you, ‘Do you have a girlfriend, and if you do not, would you like to have a girlfriend?’” she answered him.

            “I would bet that that French phrase is the second test question that God would have you to ask the man who could become your groom.” he said.

            “Yeah,” she said.

            “I had lost hope with my prayers these long few years,” he began.  He went on to say, “A born-again woman companion to share life with was just about the only thing that the Good Lord has not given me in His many answers to all of my prayers, Flaurie.”

            “Were you praying for a Christian girlfriend to come into your life, Flanders?” she asked.

            “Yes.” he said.

            “Did you give up on your prayers?” she asked.

            “I did,” he said.

            “Did you give up on girls?” she asked.

            “I did,” he said.

Page 21

            “Did you give up on Jesus?” she asked.

            “No,” he said.  “I did not.”

            “What happened that you gave up on finding a girlfriend-in-Christ, Flanders?” asked Miss Boroughs.

            “A most discouraging fact due to the very fewness of true born-again believers out there—male or female,” he said.  And he told her his disappointments:  “The woman might have been pretty, but she were definitely not saved.  Or the woman was definitely saved, but she were not pretty.  The right woman for me needed to be both very pretty and very saved.”

            Gathering her courage, Flaurie Boroughs went and asked, “What do you think about the bride before you now, Flanders?”

            “Being with you this day, stunning Flaurie, you have helped a lonely man to come to believe.”

he replied.

            “I am saved.  And I am pretty?” she said.

            “You are saved.  And you are stunning,” he said

            What a way to answer this second key query.  Nobody today answered this second test question like Flanders did just now this past moment.

            And in accentuating his reply, he said to her, “Cherchez la femme.  And I have found her.”

            Rushing hastily to the third test query, almost running ahead of God her Guide, Flaurie asked, “Flanders, do you find my Shetland Sheepdogs a blessing or a curse?”

            At once and without equivocation, Flanders said, “I bless your Shetland Sheepdogs, Flaurie.”

And then he fulfilled test number three by looking out upon her near and precious Shelties and saying out unto them, “God bless the seven of you God-made Shelties—on Earth and in Heaven.”

            “Flanders,” she said, overwhelmed with strange wonderful new emotions, “nobody ever said anything quite like that before to my beloved Shetland Sheepdogs.”  No better answer to the third

Page 22

query could any other—either human or angel—say than the answer that Flanders had declared just now.

            This man Flanders had answered all three questions with an “Aye.”  This was the man that God had promised her this day.  She could be his bride for now on.  This man was sent by the Lord.

            Then Flanders said, “I can talk to dogs.  And dogs can talk to me.”

            She said, “I can talk to my dogs, too.  And they can talk to me, too.”

            “I can talk to your Shetland Sheepdogs, and your Shetland Sheepdogs can talk to me.” he said.

            “No person—guy or gal—has the chemistry between him or her and my Shetland Sheepdogs as I do with my Shetland Sheepdogs as their keeper, Flanders,” bragged Flaurie Boroughs.

            “As I had my God-given chemistry with my ten German Shepherds before they passed away, good Flaurie, so have I a God-given chemistry with all dogs everywhere.   Even with your seven Shelties,” he said.

            “Prove it, Flanders,” said Flaurie, fascinated and skeptical, yet hopeful, nonetheless.

            “I shall, if you don’t mind,” he said, in meekness.

            “A Shetland Sheepdog mistress could fall for a man who can show chemistry between himself and her seven Shelties, Flanders.” she said.

            He understood that she was giving him the okay to bond with her Shetland Sheepdogs as personally as she did bond with them herself.

            Flanders came up to Tea, and he looked down upon him, and he said, “I can tell that you are the dad of this family.  I wish to become your new friend.  Would that be okay with you, O good young patriarch?  If your answer to me is, ‘Yes,’ then raise your right paw before me.   If your answer to me is, ‘No,’ then stamp your left paw upon the ground one time.”

            Without hesitation, Tea went ahead and raised his right paw before Flanders.  And Sheltie and man shook hands in friendship.

Page 23

            Next, Flanders came up to Coffee, and as she looked up at him, he said to her, “I can see that you are the mom of this great family.  I would be happy to become your new friend, too, if you would let me.  Good and wise matriarch, if your answer to me is, ‘Yes,’ then I bid you to stamp your left paw upon the ground one time before me.  If your answer to me is, ‘No,’ then I bid you to raise your right paw to me.”

            Immediately, Coffee stamped her left paw upon the ground before Flanders.  She then whined in  endearment for this good man and gave him her head to hug and to pet.

            Next Flanders came up to the five other members of the Shetland Sheepdog family.  They all sat before this wise man in a single-file line, and they gave him their complete attention.  And he said to them, “I can tell that you five are the ‘children’ of this Sheltie family.  You five are at that age where you are no longer puppies and are now becoming grown-up dogs. I would be happy in my new life if we six could be friends.  I would not be happy in my new life if we six could not be friends.  Would you become my friends?   Could I become your friend?  Say, ‘Yes,’ with two barks.  Or say, ‘No,’ with one bark.

            All together, Shelby and Trilby and Welby and Colby and Alby each gave forth two barks in reply.

            Looking up to Heaven, the keeper Flaurie Boroughs whispered, “God is good.”

            “God bless you, Flaurie,” said Flanders.

            “God bless you, Flanders,” said Flaurie.

            “Would you become my bride of the day, Flaurie?” he asked.

            “I would be happy forever to become your bride of the day, Flanders,” said Flaurie.

            “What’s your last name, Flaurie?” he asked.

            “It’s ‘Boroughs,’” she said.

            “Flaurie Boroughs,” he said.  “That’s a pretty name.”

Page 24

            “Flaurie Shelty Boroughs,” she said her full name.

            “A name after my own heart,” he said.  “A middle name with the very beauty of her Shelties in themselves.”

            “What’s your last name, Flanders?” she asked.

            “My last name is ‘Nickels,’” he said.

            “Ooo.  Flanders Nickels.” she said.  “Sounds almost British.”

            “Flanders Arckery Nickels,” he said his full name

            “That surely resonates,” she praised his name.

            A moment of silence passed between the bride for the day and her groom for the day.  Then she asked, “Flanders, would you become my bride of the day tomorrow, also?”

            Woe!  He turned his countenance away from her countenance and looked down at the ground away from her face and would not look back up into her eyes.  And he moaned, “Alas!”

            Stricken with a broken heart, Flaurie cried out, “What’s wrong, O Flanders?  Did I say a bad thing?  Did I think a bad thing?  I am sorry if I hurt you.”

            He looked back up into her eyes, and he said, “Flaurie, I would be happy to have you as my bride for the rest of my life.”

            “What happened?” she cried out.

            And he said to her, “Flaurie, the rest of my life is for not much longer.”

            “Are you not well?” she asked, apprehensive.

            “I am not well,” he said.

            “Are you dying?” she asked.

            “I am dying,” he said.

            “Can I help?” she asked.

            “Only God can help,” he said.

Page 25

            “What is it?” she asked.  “We can pray to God, and He will heal you up good as new, and you will forever after be well.”

            “Flaurie,” he said. “it is God’s will that He take me Home,” said Flanders Nickels.

            “God would do that to you, good Flanders?” she asked.

            “Heaven is a Great Place to come home to, Flaurie,” he said.

            “God would do that to us?” she said, in a murmur in a moment of spiritual weakness.

            “I have a proverb about life that I need to share with you right now,” he said.

            Unhappy with the Lord, the bride asked, “How does it go?”

            “It goes like this:” he said, “About God, nothing is His fault and everything is to His credit.’”

            “I understand,” said Flaurie Boroughs.  “Forgive me my murmur, Flanders.”

            “You must say that to God,” said Flanders, righteous and right.

            “Forgive me my murmur, Lord,” said Flaurie.  And God forgave her and cleansed her from her sin.  And she was happy with the Lord again.

            “Do you want to know what I have?” asked Flanders about his terminal sickness.

            “What do you have, Flanders?” she asked.

            “It is a medical condition where all of my bones will turn into stone,” he confessed.  “It is, of course, quite fatal.  And I do not have long.”

            In the wisdom of Christianity and salvation, the bride Flaurie said, “When you get to Heaven, that will no longer be any part of your body anywhere, Flanders.  And this dread sickness will never strike you Up There again.”

            “God is good,” said Flanders Nickels.

            “And God is right,” said Flaurie Boroughs, humble once again in Christ.

            Flanders brought his index finger to Flaurie’s green cheek and wiped away a tear.  “Don’t cry, Flaurie,” he said.  “Where I am going and where you will be going, there shall be no more crying.”

Page 26

            “I have never met a man like you before,” said Miss Boroughs.  “My Shetland Sheepdogs have never met a man like you before.”

            “You are the most stunning lady I have ever seen, Flaurie.  I have seen women on this Earth who have come from Mercury, from Venus, from Mars, from Jupiter, from Saturn, from Uranus, from Neptune, from Pluto.  But none of them are so fair as you.  And your dogs have a most uncanny human intellect to them.  I have seen many pet dogs of keepers throughout this Earth, and your Shetland Sheepdogs are the prettiest and the most handsome of all dogs I have seen in my many travels in the world.  Blessed are you as Shetland Sheepdog keeper.  Blessed are your Shetland Sheepdogs.  Blessed is the Maker of the keeper and her Shelties.  Blessed am I to have met you and your miniature Collies, O Flaurie Boroughs.”

            In this moment of ardor, Flaurie said, “I still wish to become your bride, O Flanders Nickels.”

            “Bride of the day.  Bride of the week.  Bride of the month,” he said in not complete understanding of her vow.  “That would make my life end happily, good and kind Flaurie.”

            “I mean your real bride, Flanders,” she said in explanation.

            “A real bride, Flaurie?” he asked, his understanding enlightened.

            “As in ‘lawfully wedded bride and groom,’” she said.

            “Would you marry a man who will end up making you a widow after only a short time, Flaurie?” he asked.

            “This bride would be glad to be your wife of the day or wife of the week or wife of the month, if you would like that, O Flanders.” she vowed.

            “I would be quite literally your groom—your husband—for about that long, O Flaurie Boroughs,” he confessed to the brevity of the rest of his life.

            “I will take care of you in your dying days with all of my heart and mind and body,” she promised.  “And then, after I lose you, I will wait till my turn comes to come and join you There with

Page 27

Jesus, when I can be with you again, where nobody dies.”

            “You are a young and beautiful woman, Flaurie,” he said.  “I cannot expect you to stay true to a dead man for the rest of your life and to resist any good young living man of a Christian who might come along and make you happy.”

            “We both know that the rapture is imminent,” said Flaurie.

            “Nothing more has to get done before the Lord raptures the Christians,” agreed Flanders.

“Whenever that might take place, it is the next act of God for His timetable upon our Earth.”

            “And when the rapture takes place, I will at once be with you and Christ in Heaven for ever and ever,” she said.

            “That could even be today,” said Flanders.

            “Only our Father in Heaven knows when the rapture will happen,” said Flaurie.

            “Flaurie,” he said.

            “Yes, Flanders?” she asked.

            “I have something to ask you right now,” he said, “for the sake of being official.”

            She waited with bated breath.

            “It is something that I want your Shetland Sheepdogs to hear as well,” he said.

            The Shetland Sheepdogs seemed to know, too.  Flaurie and Flanders were standing before each other, face to face.

            The seven Shelties formed an arrangement around man and woman.  Tea stood to the right of his keeper.  Coffee stood to the left of her keeper.  And the five young Shelties formed a circle around man and woman and Sheltie dad and Sheltie mom.  And the seven Shetland Sheepdogs sat down in wise and almost prophetic anticipation.  Then Flanders got down on his knees before the bride in white silk.

            And he asked, “Flaurie Shelty Boroughs, will you marry me?”

Page 28

            “Flanders Arckery Nickels, I shall marry you,” said the Shetland Sheepdog keeper.

            The Shetland Sheepdogs looked from keeper to proposer and back to keeper.  And their keeper asked the proposer, “Would you also be happy as fellow keeper of my Shelties, O Flanders?”

            “I do,” he said.

            Flaurie then said, “Boys and girls, welcome my groom of the rest of our times together.”

            He stood back up.  He said, “Come and get us, boys and girls.”  And he grabbed a hold of his bride’s wrist, and they ran together, and the Shetland Sheepdogs ran after them.  And the dogs knocked down bride and groom in most joyous rejoicing for Flaurie and Flanders.  And bride and groom and seven Shelties wrestled in the corn fields here alongside County Trunk U.

Page 29