THE SWIMDRESS TWINS
By Mr. Morgan P. McCarthy
Gretchen Lycra, one of the swimdress twins, the elder of the two, was on another date with her boyfriend Flanders Nickels at his place with his adorable and adoring English Setter dog. Gretchen again had on for this day her much-cherished black swimdress with yellow single-digit numbers all over throughout randomly in its pattern. And she was the sister to the other swimdress twin, the younger, whom will be mentioned in the next chapter. Both Lycra twins were brunettes. Flanders was Gretchen’s boyfriend-in-the-Lord, and Gretchen was Flanders’s girlfriend-in-the-Lord. And this swimdress twin and her man were both born-again believers, who also made Christ the Lord of their lives. As for his English Setter, Gretchen loved him as if he were her own. His name was “Fleet,” and he had beautiful brown and black and tawny and tan spots throughout the white of his face and throughout of the rest of his white coat. Gretchen always had a personal affection for big dogs. And Flanders’s favorite dog breed was English Setters. And this Fleet was always welcome to both woman and man whenever they went out on a date together. And Gretchen and Flanders always brought up the Scriptural fact that God created the first dog and the first person on the same day—the sixth day of
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creation. And Fleet seemed to understand what they were saying every time that they told him the same thing. And though Fleet was very intelligent with his canine savvy, he was even faster in his sprints and his chases in the games the three played together out in Flanders’s big back countryside yard. Whenever the two played against him in keepaway with Flanders’s football or Gretchen’s softball, often times Fleet got to the one catching the ball before the ball even got there. And
Gretchen often messed up with the catch and accidentally dropped it upon the ground right where Fleet was standing and waiting for her to drop it. And the elder swimdress girl often threw the ball short of where Flanders was standing, and Fleet would run and get it before Flanders could go and get it. Indeed Flanders always kept score on their games of keepaway, giving one point to his English Setter if he managed to grab up the ball in his teeth, and giving one point to himself and Miss Lycra the elder if he or she caught the ball before Fleet did. And Fleet’s worst game was a tie. And his best game was a shutout. His usual game was a sound victory. And then Flanders would always say to Gretchen Lycra in tease, “It’s all because you throw like a girl.” And in rebuttal the elder swimdress girl would say back at her boyfriend, “And I also catch like a girl.” Then Flanders would say to his English Setter, “O Fleet, you’re too much.” Then they would both run up to his spotted dog and hug him and kiss him and pet him. And he would groan in great contentment. Boyfriend and girlfriend and pet English Setter were very happy here both at his place and also in times at her place. The three got together all the time inside their homes as well as outside in their yards. At the elder swimdress twin’s front yard, the three often played games of tag. And one fleet quadruped never had any troubles evading two bipeds when they tried to tag him when he was the one who was “it.” That outdoor game was always the one that Fleet always won. He lost only one game of tag at the swimdress twin’s yard in all the times that they played tag there. And that was when he was outsmarted into letting himself be cornered between a brick wall and a stone wall at right angles to each other. In a gallant effort he had sought victory by attempting to jump over the wall. But he ended up falling down into the open arms of his master and
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Miss Lycra. He was not hurt, but he was tagged by his opponents, and he lost that game of tag. But he learned from this. And, being a sagacious dog of frolics, Fleet never fell for that trick of tag again, and he went on to total domination over the two from then on at this game. Right now, the three were in Flanders’s front porch now upon his wide porch swing. Flanders was sitting in the middle. The elder swimdress twin was sitting on his lap. And the English Setter was sitting on her lap.
“Swing, O boyfriend,” said Miss Lycra the elder.
“If you think that no one will fall off,” said Flanders.
“I will not fall. Fleet will not fall,” said Gretchen Lycra.
“And I will not fall,” said Flanders. And Flanders began to swing this porch swing back and forth with his legs as children do with playground swings with their legs.
The chains were strong. The pile of sitters was sure. And the swinging was slight. And the three fell upon blissful silence of rejoicing in the Lord. Flanders was admiring Gretchen’s fetching swimdress that she was wearing again today. It felt good upon his lap with her in it. Gretchen was thinking about her boyfriend’s lap covered in blue denim of jeans. She liked sitting on his lap covered in such masculine attire. And Fleet was reveling in this moment of being alone with his master and his master’s special girlfriend in this personal time swinging on the swing in this porch. The silence of thoughts enhanced the moment of joy.
Just then a raucous voice came upon them from outside there in front. It called forth in great volume, saying, “I know you’re in there, Flanders. Get out. And come.”
“It’s him again,” groaned the elder Lycra twin in dismay. “And the other one, too.”
“I can see the both of them from here,” said Flanders.
Fleet bared his teeth and growled and looked out upon the two interlopers.
Behold a gruff hirsute man and a wild timber wolf.
This was the “the wolf’s keeper” and “the keeper’s wolf,”
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Lo, the local persecutor of born-again Christians, the man and his wild animal who contended against Flanders and Gretchen and also against Gretchen’s saved younger twin sister and that woman’s
saved boyfriend.
Flanders spoke and said to the wolf’s keeper, “I know you’re out there. Go away. And do not come back.”
“What do you think, boy?” the wolf’s keeper asked the keeper’s wolf.
And the keeper’s wolf bared his teeth and growled and looked in upon the three on the porch swing from outside.
The wolf’s keeper said, “Yeah. You’re right. There will be another day. But not today. We’ll shut them up about their Saviour of the world some other day, boy.”
Then, just as suddenly as they had come, the two persecutors left for now just like that. And all was still and quiet again. But all was no longer joy and rejoicing anymore here on the porch swing.
“He keeps coming back,” said Flanders in dismay.
“Both of them,” added the elder Lycra twin.
And the English Setter fell upon frightened whining.
Another day the other two born-again Christians mentioned earlier were on a date together once again at his place. They were the younger swimdress twin Destiny Lycra and her boyfriend Proffery Coins. Her swimdress was all black with a pattern of single-letter Roman numerals in red all randomly throughout. Her black swimdress was full of red “I’s” and “V’s” and “X’s” and “L’s” and “C’s” and “D’s” and “M’s.” This younger swimdress twin loved Roman numerology. She bragged that she could even do multiplication and division with Roman numerals. And there was not any Arabic number that she could not write down the equivalent Roman numeral of —except for fractions and decimals with digits on the right side of the decimal point, neither of which could be translated into Roman numerals.
Once again, with her wishes and with his wishes, they had his Irish Setter dog with them on their date.
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“So beautiful and red Genre,” praised the younger swimdress twin her boyfriend’s big dog.
And this Genre came up to her and leaned himself against her legs where she stood in her swimdress. He then proffered his head for a kiss, and she kissed him sweetly upon his head, and he kissed her back on her nose with his tongue. And Proffery said, “Ah, my two best friends in this life.”
And Destiny Lycra said, “Is sagacious Genre up for showing off another of his tricks, Proffery?
“He is if you are,” said Proffery. “And I am if you both are.”
“Could you do another trick for me, Genre?” asked Destiny.
Genre looked at his master to see if it were okay with him. And Proffery said a ready, “Let’s show her, good Genre.”
“Which one will it be this time, Proffery?” asked the younger swimdress twin.
“I think that it will be a new one this time,” said Proffery.
“It was a brand new one last time,” said Destiny in glee.
“Well it will be another new one this time,” promised Proffery Coins.
“So many of them he knows how to do, and they are all wonderful,” praised the younger Lycra twin in great admiration for Irish Setter and boyfriend.
Proffery ran back into his house and quickly came back to this side yard with three items in his hands. He said to his Genre and to his Destiny, “I have a canister of quick oatmeal and a box of cocoa hot cereal and a box of caramel corn with peanuts and a toy prize.”
“I see that,” said the younger swimdress twin. “Do you see it, Genre?”
The red Irish Setter gave a bark and a nod of his canine head in reply to Destiny.
Proffery then set down the three grocery items upon the short green grass here in the side yard.
And he said, “Good boy, I want you to go ahead and knock down the one of the three that I tell you to knock down and to not knock down the two of the three that I don’t say to knock down. Do you understand, O handsome Genre?”
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“Woof!!” barked the intelligent Irish Setter.
Then Proffery said, “Genre, go and knock down the box of caramel corn if you would for me and my girlfriend.”
Genre stepped up to the arrangement of the three grocery store items all in a line upon the lawn. On the left was the box of oats; in the middle was the box of hot cereal; on the right was the box of caramel corn. At once he grabbed up the round canister of oatmeal in his canine teeth, and he shook it vigorously in his mouth, and he set it back down. Next he then went ahead to grab up the box of cocoa hot cereal in his jaws and shook it and set it back down. Then he grabbed a hold of the little box of caramel corn in his muzzle, and shook it and set it back down. Quite confident, he then reached out his right fore paw to this little box of caramel corn and with it did tip the box over backwards down upon the ground where it had sat. And he put his left fore paw upon the knocked down little box, looked up at his master with a smile in his brown eyes, and did give forth another bark, “Whoof!”
“Remarkable!” sang out the younger swimdress twin.
“Genre, you are a remarkable dog,” praised Proffery his Irish Setter.
Destiny Lycra sang forth a song in the spontaneity of the moment about Genre:
“For he’s a jolly good fellow.
For he’s a jolly good fellow.
For he’s a jolly good fellow,
Whom nobody can deny.”
And Genre beamed with praise from master and master’s girlfriend.
“God made something wonderful when He made Genre,” said Destiny. “God made a wonderful thing when He made the world’s first dog back in the creation week.”
“On the sixth day of creation, God made all the land animals,” said Proffery Coins.
“And also men and women, to become masters and mistresses of land animals such as dogs, Proffery,” said the younger Lycra twin.
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Just then a fearsome baying came upon them from behind that scared the three out of their wits.
But the three knew what that was about. It was the keeper’s wolf, threatening them once again for living for Christ. The three turned around and looked. Sure enough, here with the keeper’s wolf was the wolf’s keeper.
“Did we scare you?” asked the wolf’s keeper in persecution. And the man laughed in derision.
“You are not welcome in my yard, either of the two of you,” said Proffery. Destiny was too nervous to speak. Genre trembled before the keeper’s wolf, who was staring right upon him.
“And you and your girlfriend are not welcome in town,” said the wolf’s keeper. “It’s all right to believe what you want to believe. But don’t force it on others.”
Behold, the truth in the scriptures of the Saviour of the world being the stumbling stone and the rock of offense unto the lost people of the world.
“God commanded us born-again believers to spread the Gospel message, whether others want to hear or not,” said Proffery.
“We go two-by-two and house-to-house sharing the love of Christ, just as the Bible says to do for us Christians,” said the younger swimdress twin, offended by the wicked heart of this brute of a man.
“Don’t stop by at my house,” said the wolf’s keeper.
“We don’t know where it is,” said Proffery.
“Don’t ask,” said the wolf’s keeper.
Then the keeper’s wolf bared his teeth and growled upon the red Irish Setter, In panic, Genre fled back into the house for his life.
“Did you scare him, boy?” asked the wolf’s keeper to his wolf. “That a boy. Good job.”
Then the keeper’s wolf bared his teeth at the two Christians and did snarl at them. The two Christians, though daunted, refused to budge from where they stood their ground.
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Then the wolf’s keeper said, to the keeper’s wolf, “Let’s get out of here for now. I don’t like being by these kind of people.” And the two adversaries to Christ then turned around and marched back from where they had come. But they would come back again. And they would try worse things upon them against the cause of Christ.
On their traditional double-date on Saturday night, the four Christians and the two dogs got together at the ice cream shop. Right away the two dogs ran off to play dog games between each other at the park behind the ice cream shop. And the four believers were left alone for ice cream cones and sweet fellowship together. The swimdress twins again told the good tale of how they had first found their dear swimsuits, and the boyfriends loved to hear it all told once again. They were there. The following is a summary of that day: Gretchen Lycra already had a two-piece swimsuit full of thick comfortable strings to wear for her boyfriend Flanders. But Flanders was a different type of guy. He finally went and told her, “Gretchen, you are built and well-endowed and delightfully slim. But you do not excite me with that two-piece swimsuit on all the time. I am a weird guy, but I have to say that one-piece swimsuit girls are a lot more exciting to me than two-piece swimsuit girls. Could your boyfriend go shopping with you and buy you the most expensive maillot in the store?”
“You don’t like my string bikini, Flanders?” she asked.
“I do. It looks good on you. But a one-piece swimsuit has always been my favorite outfit for girls. I have hoped to see you in a sexy one-piece swimsuit for a long time now,” he said to her.
“You will buy me a one-piece swimsuit, Boyfriend?” asked the elder Lycra twin.
“Whatever it costs I’ll buy it if you wear it for me,” he promised.
“How can a woman like me turn down a promise like this from a boyfriend like you?” asked Gretchen Lycra.
And they went swimsuit shopping together at J.C. Penney’s at Port Plaza Maul in Green Bay. And there it was on a rack—a lustrous maillot with a skirt portion, all shining in sleek black and full of
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yellow numbers all over everywhere. “Why, girl, this one-piece swimsuit has a skirt portion to it!” exclaimed Flanders.
“Ah, one of those swimdresses, Flanders,” edified Gretchen her boyfriend about women’s swimwear.
“I love it,” he said. “One-piece swimsuits have more sexy material than do two-piece swimsuits. And this swimdress has more sexy material than do regular one-piece swimsuits.”
“If you think that you love this swimdress, just think how much I love it, Flanders,” she admitted in the novelty of this moment. “I’ll pick this one.” She lifted the price tag of this ladies’ swimdress. “Ouch. A hundred dollars, Flanders,” she did say.
“It’s yours, girl,” said Flanders in great ardor for the elder Lycra twin and this novel swimdress.
And he took out his wallet, pulled out a one-hundred dollar bill, and spent it on his girlfriend for her new swimsuit. This was how Gretchen Lycra had become the elder swimdress twin.
How did Destiny come upon her own extra special ladies’ swimdress? In much the same way as her twin sister had: with a boyfriend not turned on by her two-piece swimsuit as he wanted to be. At the time, Destiny’s two-piece swimsuit was of a fetching style that was only in season that one year not too long ago. It was a two-piece swimsuit whose bottom piece had a full skirt portion to it. Proffery came up to her one day with herself in this unique two-piece swimsuit, and he told her, “Girlfriend, I made a discovery at Younker’s today at Bay Park Square Maul yesterday. Do you want to know what I saw there?”
“Tell me, boyfriend,” she said.
“I saw a real one-piece swimsuit there on the racks with the same kind of nylon/Spandex skirt portion as your two-piece swimsuit has,” he said. “Have you ever seen such a thing as that before?”
“Oh, those are called ‘swimdresses,’ Proffery,” she said. “We women have seen those for years.”
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“I need it for you, girl!” he exclaimed in a fervor.
“Usually swimdresses are for women not like myself,” she said. “Usually only bigger women or older women or more modest women buy swimdresses.”
“A younger woman like yourself would be an irresistible girl if you put it on for me, O Destiny!” he said. She was in truth a slim and young and beautiful woman.
“What did it look like?” she asked, becoming quite interested now.
“It was a black one-piece swimsuit with a gorgeous skirt, and it had red Roman numerals all around on it everywhere,” he said.
“Roman numerals, Proffery?” asked the younger Lycra twin.
“Uh huh!” he said with a nod.
“You know how your girlfriend loves Roman numerals, Proffery,” said Destiny.
“You’ll love this…swimdress,” he said to her. “And I shall buy it for you, Girlfriend.”
“Boyfriend, let’s go get it,” she said.
And right away they went to Younker’s to buy her this brave new swimdress. She looked at the tag and read in silence, “$99.99.” And she said “Uh oh.”
He went and looked at the tag and read this same price in silence. But he said, “Yes! Yes!”
“Really, Proffery?” she asked. “Could I have this? Would you really buy this for me?”
“This is worth twice that much to me, Destiny,” he said to her.
And he took out ten ten-dollar bills, and they went to the checkout stand, and he most happily put down his much cash on the belt. And to her delight and to his even greater delight, this gorgeous swimdress became her own. And that was how the younger Lycra twin had first become the younger swimdress twin.
All of this the four fellow-shippers reminisced upon as they ate their delicious ice cream cones. And the men said to the swimdress twins, “And you look even better in them now than you did even
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that first time that you put them on.”
But there was trouble in the hearts of the swimdress twins in their daily worship life.
And Gretchen Lycra spoke and confessed, “I can’t seem to get any fun in my Bible-reading anymore, guys.”
And Destiny Lycra went on to confess, “Not do I get satisfied from any of my prayers anymore these days now, guys.”
Woe unto the Lycra swimdress twins!
“We men will pray for you,” said the two loyal boyfriends. “And we will do what we can to help you get back to God.”
The very next day, Flanders got alone with Gretchen at her place without his Fleet to discuss her apparent backsliding and to pray with her and to help her get back to God with her King James Bible.
That same day Proffery also got alone with Destiny at her place without his Genre to be alone with God and girlfriend to try to help her to come back from her backsliding with her prayer life.
In the elder swimdress twin’s date, she had Flanders over in her apple orchard at the picnic table in her big yard. They sat down on the picnic table across from each other, and Flanders said, “Pretty Gretchen, maybe God can use me as a listening ear and as as a third party to help you in your problem. Would that be okay with you?”
“I need all the help I can get, Flanders,” said Gretchen Lycra. “And if I can get it from my good boyfriend-in-Christ I would be most grateful.”
“I had never known a woman so in love with the Holy Bible before as yourself, Gretchen,” said Flanders.
“That was I,” she said with a nod of her head and with a sorrow in her brown eyes.
“What happened?” he asked. “Do you think that there might be sin in your life?”
“I can’t think of any other explanation,” said Gretchen. “But what that sin might be, I have no
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idea what it could be. I must need to stop this mysterious bad thing I’m doing for my own good,” said Gretchen Lycra.
“Maybe it is not a sin problem,” he said.
“It has to be,” she said. “How else could I lose my love for the King James Bible?”
“Tell me when it first happened,” he said.
“I was reading the book of Zechariah, all of it in its fourteen chapters, and when I was done, I had to say to myself, ‘This was not so good,’” admitted the elder swimdress twin.
“That was not so good?” asked Flanders.
“My first boring Bible reading in all my days as a born-again believer,” she did say.
“You never said that before about the Bible, Gretchen,” said Flanders.
“I said the same thing when I read the next book in the Bible, Malachi in its four chapters, Flanders,” said the elder swimdress twin.
“Certainly you did not say that about the next book,” he said.
“Yes, I said the same thing about the book of Matthew after reading its twenty-eight chapters,” she said.
“That’s one of the Gospels,” he said.
“Uh huh. It did not fulfill me, either,” said the elder Lycra twin.
“This is serious,” said Flanders.
“I’m afraid of backsliding,” cried out Gretchen.
“I refuse to believe that God is punishing you for a sin you might be doing,” said her ever-faithful boyfriend-in-Christ.
“If only it were a sin that I needed to repent of,” she said. “Then all I would need to do is to stop that sin I were doing and get my happy Bible-reading life back for me in my time alone with God,”
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“I know you, Gretchen,” said Flanders. “And I believe that what you need to do to find your old joy in the Word of God has nothing to do with forsaking a sin that none of us know about.”
“Thank you for your confidence in my walk with Christ, Flanders,” said Gretchen.
“What do you pray to God when you first sit down with your Bible every night?” he asked.
“I pray the words of Psalm 119:18 and the words of Psalm 119:27, Flanders,” said Gretchen.
[These verses from the Psalter read, “Open thou mine eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of thy law,” and also, “Make me to understand the way of thy precepts: so shall I talk of thy wondrous works.”]
“Ah, two great verses to pray every time you sit down to read the King James Bible, Gretchen,” said Flanders.
“I do not know yet what I need to get right with Him. And you do not know yet what I need to get right with Him. But the Good Lord knows what I need to get right with Him.” said Gretchen. “And I believe that God will tell me if we pray for His answer hard enough and lots enough.”
“Let us pray together in a prayer meeting at your picnic table here among the apple trees,” said Flanders.
“Let’s, good Flanders,” said Gretchen Lycra.
Just then two trespassers came up to them from both sides. To one side of the picnic table was the adversary the wolf’s keeper. And to the other side of the picnic table stood his partner the keeper’s wolf.
The wolf’s keeper said, “Now now. I am not ready to have to listen to two believers praying out loud like that. I don’t like that kind of thing. And my wolf does not like that kind of thing.” Then he said, “Tell them, boy.”
And the keeper’s wolf flashed a fiery look of Satan in his wild eyes at the two believers at this picnic table.
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“I suggest that you take your prayer and your Bible away from me and my wolf right away—the both of you,” said the wolf’s keeper.
“I suggest that you two go away and not come back again,” said Flanders in anger and indignation.
“Did you hear what he said, boy?” asked the wolf’s keeper.
The keeper’s wolf looked him in the eye with a “Yes. I did,” in his wolf’s eyes.
And at once the two foes to Christ and Christianity assaulted the two Christians at this picnic table where they were fellowshipping. And swimdress girl and boyfriend had to flee her apple orchard in haste for their own welfare. They were providentially hindered thus from their prayer meeting together at her picnic table. And the wolf’s keeper laughed. And the keeper’s wolf had a piece of blue denim in his teeth from Flanders’s blue jean pocket. And her King James Bible was still there upon her picnic table. Alas, she never got got around to coming back to it and reading it this day. This was her first day as a Christian where she had not done her Bible-reading. She felt like she had become a prodigal daughter of God. But she prayed though, nonetheless. And so, too, did Flanders. Though she had lost her love for Bible-reading, she had not lost her love for praying.
Meanwhile, in the younger swimdress twin’s date with Proffery, she got alone with him at his place on his bench overlooking a little falls of a small river. She was sitting to his right on his bench, and they were taking in the pastoral sights and sounds of this river’s waterfalls before them. She began today’s date and fellowship with him by asking him, “Boyfriend, what do you think?”
“About how you lost your joy of praying?” he asked.
“Yeah,” she said. “The funnest thing I used to do every day of my life.”
“I have never heard so fervent and effectual prayer warrior as yourself,” he said.
“You haven’t?” she asked.
“The way you tell God about things in your life, O Destiny. Everything that you say to Him in
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prayer is suddenly vital and worthy. Even small matters become big matters when you pray to God.
And every word you say to our Heavenly Father about what happened for you that day one can clearly see travels right up to Jesus on His throne. You don’t just talk to God in some prosaic speech. No. Instead you chat with Jesus as one best friend to another best friend. God hears your every word. And your prayers live like none of the rest of ours. I can tell. I know. I prayed with you many times at this very bench of mine before these waterfalls,” said Proffery. “Indeed, hearing you pray is even better for me than myself praying my prayer.”
“My good old days,” said the younger swimdress twin.
“When did all of this start?” he asked.
“It started that one dark day in my life when I quit praying my prayer before my two hours were up,” she said.
“You prayed sometimes for up to three hours,” said Proffery. “What happened that you could not fulfill your two-hour quota that one day?”
“I guess that I ran out of things to say to my Heavenly Father,” the younger Lycra twin said.
“That’s not at all like you,” he said.
“There were always so many things in my life that I could tell all of it to God for hours,” she said. “Every day. Every night. Every prayer.”
“Your prayers to our God were like a personal diary, except that the words were spoken in prayer and not written in a little book,” said Proffery.
“There was nothing too secret in my life—either good or bad—that I did not tell God in all of my prayers for years.” said Destiny Lycra.
“You told the Lord more about your life than you told even me about your life,” said Proffery.
“And I think that I used it all up now, Proffery,” said the younger swimdress twin. “And my prayers are now short and boring and spiritless.”
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“You’re saying that now your prayers go no higher than your ceiling,” he said in grief for his girlfriend.
“Inside and outside,” she said.
“I never thought to see such a day, Destiny,” he said. “That is the worst thing that I have ever seen happen to you.”
“God is good,” said Destiny. “I can still read my Bible and enjoy that, though.”
“Whatever it is that has done this to you, I will fix it and bring back your prayer life for you,” he said. “I care for you, Destiny.
“Only God can do that, Proffery,” she said.
“Sometimes God uses other Christians,” he said.
“I would be so glad for your help,” said the younger swimdress twin. “I believe that God can use you mightily.”
“I don’t want my beautiful girlfriend without her joy of prayer in her life,” said Proffery.
Just then a deep lupine growling came upon them from behind where they were sitting. And right after that a familiar man’s voice saying, “For crying out loud, boy, these two are at it again. Curse your fellowship in the Lord like that!”
Lo, the keeper’s wolf and the wolf’s keeper were back for more of their Christian-bashing. The two Christians turned and looked back behind Proffery’s bench. The wolf’s keeper was bigger than Proffery. And the keeper’s wolf was bigger than Destiny.
Perturbed and intimidated, Proffery asked the wolf’s keeper, “What do you two want this time?”
The younger swimdress twin asked the keeper’s wolf, “Are you going to bite me?”
And the wolf’s keeper answered Proffery and said, “We want you believers to knock it off.” Then he answered Destiny and said, “Yes, he is going to bite you.”
Proffery said, “You best stop tempting God.”
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“What are you going to do about it, Proffery?” asked the wolf’s keeper. “Are you going to pray for me? Are you going to read the Bible to me? Are you going to give me one of those little booklets you give out to people like myself?”
Then the keeper’s wolf began to lift up and put back down his forelegs hard upon the ground in a mad frenzy of fury.
“Sick’em, boy!” commanded the wolf’s keeper. And the keeper’s wolf charged the two Christians where they sat on the bench. It began with one mighty leap over the back of the bench. It continued in a chase toward the little river. And it ended with the two believers falling down into the small falls of the river. The keeper’s wolf and the wolf’s keeper were satisfied for now. And the wolf’s keeper praised him, telling him, “Good job, boy! Good job!” And the keeper’s wolf gave a malicious grin in his great canine teeth back at the two, as the two got back up on their feet in the falls. Then the wolf’s keeper said, “We will come again, Proffery, Destiny. And you better not provoke us again. Or things will begin to get bad for the both of you.” Then the two persecutors left just as abruptly as they had come. And the two Christians, hand in hand, climbed back up out of the river, dripping wet.
Proffery, focused on God, said, “Destiny, the important thing is that we get your prayer life back again.”
And the younger Lycra twin said, “Proffery, you are more good than those two are evil.”
And boyfriend-and-girlfriend encouraged each other in the Lord.
How did boy meet girl, and how did girl meet boy, in this fellowship of the swimdress twins and their boyfriends?
For Flanders Nickels and Gretchen Lycra it happened at the bowling alley. For Proffery Coins and Destiny Lycra it happened at the giant slide in the amusement park.
First shall be told the elder swimdress twin’s tale: Gretchen’s father owned a bowling alley in town. Her dad was a bowling champion. Her mom won bowling awards. Her four older brothers
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were taken into the father’s personal training. Her mom personally taught the Lycra twins all that she knew about bowling. And all six siblings excelled at bowling—except Gretchen. And Destiny never lost a bowling game to Gretchen at their bowling alley. But all was carefree and merry with bowling for the family together. They bowled together, and they had fun together every time. One day, Destiny came home from school and said to Gretchen, “There’s a real cute boy in my Phy. Ed bowling class, Big Sis, and he’s worse at bowling than you are.”
Gretchen, unlike her little sister, did not take bowling class in Phy. Ed at their school. Interested, the elder Lycra girl asked, “Who is he?”
And Destiny said in hyperbole, “He’s got glasses thicker than those window blocks that some people have on their houses.”
“Flanders!” said Gretchen.
“Yeah. But still the most popular boy in school,” said Destiny.
“He can hardly see the bowling pins at the end of the alley,” said Gretchen.
“He can hardly see even the bowling ball,” said Destiny.
“I heard that he loves God,” said the elder Lycra twin in great approval.
“He’s a lot like Jesus,” said Destiny in praise.
“I think that I am getting a major crush on him, Little Sis,’” said Gretchen.
“You and every other girl in school,” said Destiny.
“What would a boy like him want with me?” asked Gretchen.
“Maybe a little date. Maybe a little fellowship in Christ. Maybe a little game of bowling,” said Destiny.
“Would he want to do that with me?” asked the elder Lycra twin.
“Do you want to do that with him?” asked Destiny, a little envious of her elder twin.
And Gretchen went out on her first date with this icon Flanders. They bowled together. And
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she scored fifty, and he scored forty. The girl who could not bowl beat the worst bowler in school. But he did not mind. He was a good and kind date. And he did not become upset at losing to a girl. And they bonded in Christ even more strongly than they bonded at bowling. And they agreed upon a rendezvous at her dad’s bowling alley again. But this time, he was wearing brand new contact lenses instead of his old thick glasses. And they made him look even more attractive to her. He lost this game to her, too, thirty to forty. But he laughed with himself and Gretchen. And their third date, he lost twenty to thirty. And they quickly became known as the classiest couple in school for their Christian testimony. And now here they were together in life, both spiritual and scriptural in all that they did together as boyfriend-and-girlfriend-in Christ. And Flanders was even more of a gentleman now as a young man. And the elder swimdress twin ever adored him these days years later.
Second comes the tale of the younger swimdress twin: She had not yet discovered boys in life. This younger Lycra twin said that she had a crush on both James West and Artemis Gordon of the western TV show “The Wild, Wild West,” but it was not true. She only thought that she did. She was only twelve years old and did not know what an infatuation for a guy really was for a girl. But she wanted very much to find out what it was. And she went out into the world of Bay Beach Amusement Park in town in search of what she did not know yet. Maybe she might find her first boy who was cute on a Tilt-A-Whirl or a Scrambler or a Scat ride. Without her family getting in the way of her pursuits, she took a city bus to Bay Beach. And she rode the Tilt-A-Whirl and the Scrambler and the Scat, herself checking out all of the boys that she could find and wondering if any of them might be handsome to a young girl like herself. But they all seemed to be just “dumb boys,” to her. If boys her age thought that girls “had germs,” how could she not feel the same about these same boys everywhere around herself here at the amusement park? What could a girl do to make herself to begin to come of age in her young searching heart? She was becoming disappointed. And she began to become discouraged. Did she have to wait a few more years? Then she decided to try her luck at the giant blue
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slide at the far end of Bay Beach off by itself. She came up to it. And she saw a boy at the top of the slide hesitant about going ahead with his slide. He was sitting upon one of those gunny sacks that riders of big slides rode upon. And he was afraid of going down. She studied his youthful masculine face. And she saw nothing special about it. He was just another boy like all of the others at this Bay Beach. He was about twelve years old or so. She was twelve years old herself. She must have been staring at him and maybe with a frown. He caught her looking at him even from way up there. She expected him to frown back at her. What a bad girl she was for being rude like that. But he did not frown back at her. Nay, he instead smiled back at her. And what a cute smile he had. She did not know what she was doing. But she must have smiled back at him. And he found courage to go down now on this big slide. He pushed himself where he sat with both arms to both sides. And he went down the first steep part and came to the little level part. And he went down the second steep part and came to the little level part. And he went down the third steep part and came to the little level part. And he was still coming fast on this bottom part of the giant slide. Lo, the younger Lycra twin happened to be standing at the foot of this giant slide in this boy’s own lane. And all of a sudden the boy with the smile and the girl with the smile accidentally crashed. He knocked her upon her bottom, and she had the wind knocked out of her. He himself was just fine. But he quickly got back up, stood beside her where she sat in a daze, and said to her, “I’m really, really sorry.” She was dizzy with disorientation, but her senses began to come back to her.
And she said, “It was my fault.”
But then this boy said, “Maybe Jesus meant this for our good,”
Truly this boy must have been a born-again Christian like herself!
Her senses all come back to her head, the younger Lycra twin stood up, looked him in the eye, and saw her first cute boy. She said to him, “Our God works in mysterious ways.”
And the boy said, “He surely does.” She smiled at him in affection, and he smiled at her in
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affection. And he proffered his hand, and she took it; and he helped her back to her feet. And they were boyfriend-and-girlfriend-in-the-Lord ever since.
Grown up now and together now for some years, the six got together for another double-date at the park in town. Petting the Irish Setter on his red head, and the English Setter on his spotted head. the elder swimdress twin said to the men, “We shouldn’t call our get-togethers ‘double-dates’; we should call them ‘triple-dates.’”
“I just love Fleet, and I just love Genre,” said Destiny Lycra, hugging the two big dogs of their boyfriends both at the same time, one in one arm and another in the other arm.
Flanders spoke now and said, “I’ve been doing some thinking and some praying about your Bible-reading problem, Gretchen. Proffery and I were talking about this together. I think that I may have come up with something that might help you a lot.”
“Oh to find the King James Bible the joy and rejoicing of my heart again,” said the elder Lycra twin.
“And you, as well, girlfriend,” said Proffery to Destiny Lycra.
“Did you find an answer to my prayer problem, Proffery?” asked the younger swimdress twin in wild hopes.
“I think that I might have,” he said. “I and Flanders talked about this together all day the other day. And I have prayed to God about this the whole week right after you told me about it.”
“Can I really pray again like I used to pray in the good old days?” dreamed the younger Lycra twin.
“I am sure,” said Proffery.
“Tell me all, boyfriend,” said Gretchen.
“Tell me everything, O Proffery,” said Destiny.
Just then the men got a cuff on their heads both at the same time. And right after, the women
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got scratched with sharp claws in their upper backs, first one, and then the other. The heads of the men smarted for it. The backs of the women began to bleed. The six turned around. Of course. Here stood the wolf’s keeper and the keeper’s wolf, this time with a vengeance of Hell itself in their eyes.
The wolf’s keeper said, “Didn’t I tell you that the public park is no place to worship in?”
“That slap hurt,” said Flanders.
“Next time it will be a slug,” said the wolf’s keeper.
“There are two of us men and only one man among you,” said Proffery to the wolf’s keeper.
“Can’t you see my wolf?” taunted the wolf’s keeper.
Flanders said, “There are two of us dogs and only one of your wolf,”
The swimdress twins dared not to interrupt. They both felt that this time all of this was to come to a head. And what would happen this day they were not sure of. Both girls were hurt with their bare backs all scraped up. It hurt like unto a little scourging.
Proffery spoke and said, “Your wolf hurt my girlfriend and my friend’s girlfriend.”
The wolf’s keeper said, “This time it was with a scraping of claws. Next time it will be with the biting of teeth.”
“There will be no next time,” said Flanders. “This will be the last time.”
“There will always be a next time for me and for my wolf, O people so full of Jesus,” said the wolf’s keeper. “Don’t you agree, boy?” asked the man the keeper’s wolf.
The keeper’s wolf shone forth a deep red glow to his demonic eyes.
The masters looked into their dogs’ eyes. There was no fear in Fleet’s eyes. There was no fear in Genre’s eyes. The men looked upon each other. There was no fear in Flanders’s eyes. There was no fear in Proffery’s eyes. The boyfriends looked into their girlfriends’ eyes. There was no fear in Gretchen’s eyes. There was no fear in Destiny’s eyes.
And right away the men and their dogs jumped up from where they were sitting and pounced
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ferociously upon their two persecutors. And the two adversaries were overcome and overwhelmed. And the two foes had to run for their lives. The English Setter and the Irish Setter quite chased the keeper’s wolf right out of the park. In like Flanders Nickels and Proffery Coins chased the wolf’s keeper right out to a couple blocks away. The keeper’s wolf had to flee for his life. And the wolf’s keeper had to flee also for his own good. The two sent by the Devil were all battered and cut up and bruised and bleeding. And in haste they outran the four of God. And the swimdress twins were cheering on their men and their men’s dogs as this was happening. Then, having fallen behind the two in flight, the men and their dogs, both satisfied, returned to the Lycra twins here at the picnic table.
“God had the victory this day,” said Destiny.
“The wily Devil lost this time,” said Gretchen.
“They will not come back again,” said Flanders.
“Those two will never trouble us six again,” said Proffery.
“Good job, Fleet,” said Flanders.
“Thanks for the help, Genre,” said Proffery.
Fleet and Genre then went on to lick the wounds of the swimdress twins along their backs so as to assuage the pain the girls suffered.
“Thank you, Fleet,” said Gretchen. “I am beginning to feel better now.”
And Destiny said, “Thank you, Genre. It is beginning to not hurt so bad now.”
Then Flanders and Proffery looked at each other, and they said to the Lycra twins, “Are you gals ready to hear what we men have to say now about your worship life problems?”
“I’m all ears,” said the elder swimdress twin.
“I, too,” said the younger swimdress twin.
And Flanders said, “I believe, Gretchen, about your loss of your first love of Bible-reading, that it is time that you started reading the Bible in a new way.”
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“A new way?” she asked. “What kind of new way? What way is there different in Bible-reading than the way I’ve been doing it?”
“Maybe you could pick up a pencil,” Flanders said.
“You mean that I ought to hold a pencil in my hand when I read my Holy Bible?” she asked.
“Not just hold it, but write with it,” he said. “You should see how much fun that I get out of my Bible-reading with my pencil in my hand.”
“Do you mean that I should write in my Bible?” she asked.
“Aye,” said Flanders. “You could read your Bible and underline verses and write down notes about these verses and other things if you use a pencil in your Bible-reading.”
“I never thought about that,” she said.
“You were all this time reading God’s Word as you would a novel or a short story, Gretchen,” he said. “Reading the Word of God like it were a novel or a short story is a good thing. But reading the Bible as a type of textbook is even better.”
“I know what you’re saying, Flanders,” said the elder swimdress twin. “I need to make my Bible-reading for now on my Bible-study instead.”
“Yes!” said Flanders fervently. “That’s how I do it.”
“Then for now on that’s the way that I will do it,” said Gretchen fervidly. “Thank you for caring, good and kind Flanders. God has brought me back to Him. I can read His Word again.”
Then Proffery said, “And God told me what happened to you and your prayer life, Destiny.”
“What was I doing all wrong in my prayers, Proffery?” asked the younger swimdress twin.
“You were praying all about yourself,” said Proffery. “You need to start praying for other people for now on.”
“Is that what I was doing?” asked Destiny.
“If a girl gets her mind off of herself once in a while, it would be good for her in her walk with
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the Lord in the end,” said Proffery.
“I did always pray only about myself,” confessed the younger Lycra twin.
“Indeed, to your credit, your prayers about yourself were more so thanksgiving prayers than they were petitionary prayers,” said Proffery. “Giving thanks to God is a most worthy prayer anytime. It is a sweet savor to the Lord to hear one of His daughters thank Him so much as you have all this time, Destiny,” said Proffery.
“Prayers for other people,” said Destiny Lycra. “Those are called ‘intercessions.’ Aren’t they?”
“They are,” said Proffery.
“I have a whole lot of people whom I care for that are still lost and going to Hell,” she said.
“Pray for them, O pretty Destiny,” implored Proffery. “Pray that they get saved and stay out of the Devil’s Hell.
“I shall do just exactly that,” she said.
“And pray for us, too,” said Proffery. “We two men could use a little help ourselves in our walks with Christ.”
“I can pray for you and Flanders for now on all the time,” she said.
“And pray for our leaders here in the United States, too,” said Proffery.
“I will pray for our government, that they get saved and can lead our nation in a Godly manner,” said the younger swimdress twin.
“So rich and abundant will your prayer life become once you start praying for the souls of all people everywhere,” promised Proffery.
“Amen, Proffery! Amen!” said Destiny. “I have found my prayer life come back home to me this day. And my first new prayer will be for you and that you can keep your A1C below seven in your diabetes problem.”
“I would like that very much, pretty Destiny,” he said to the younger Lycra twin. “Pastor
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preaches that praying is asking.”
“And for now I shall ask God for things for other people,” promised Destiny Lycra. “I am so happy in the Lord now. My prayer is back and strong for now on.”
It was a week later, and the swimdress twins and their bunch were again sharing fellowship at the outdoor diner. All six were eating double-quarter-pound cheeseburgers and French Fries out on the dining table overlooking the edge of a woods of pine trees out back. The two dogs, of course, gobbled their food right up. The four Christians were eating and talking about Jesus. Then they wondered together whatever had become of their two enemies. It had been a week now, and they had not yet come back for more trouble.
And Flanders asked in due confidence, “Gretchen, how are your new Bible studies treating you?”
“Grand! Utmost grand. Thanks to you, Boyfriend,” she said.
“Have you learned new things from your King James Bible?” he asked, eager to hear all about it.
“I have. I definitely am learning new things. Take the book of Zechariah, for example, that I reread the other day,” she began. “With my pencil, I was able to underline six extra special verses in the Holy Bible’s open pages. And with my pencil I wrote down a little comment about each of those verses at the bottom of the margins of the Bible’s open pages. And my comments all said about these six underlined verses that they were each truly Messianic prophecies. Then with my pencil I wrote these verses and their references on loose index cards. These six verses are Zechariah 9:9, Zechariah
11:12, Zechariah 11:13, Zechariah 12:10, Zechariah 13:6, and Zechariah 13:7. That Zechariah of the Old Testament prophesied of things that really happened with Jesus in the New Testament hundreds of years before Jesus had even come. And now I am beginning to memorize these Messianic prophecies
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of Zechariah with my handwritten index cards. Oh, the wondrous things that pencils are, O Flanders!
You were so right!”
“How about you, Destiny?” asked Proffery, just as sure of his younger swimdress twin in her new worship life.
“As for myself, my prayers are once again my own little first-in-command of my means of worship,” she said right out.
“Praying has come back to being your favorite thing to to with God again?” asked Proffery.
“Uh huh, Proffery. Uh huh, guys and gals,” said Destiny with a sure nod of her head. “I prayed a great prayer for our country’s president and vice-president for my first time. I never talked politics with God in my prayers before. But it made a great new prayer for me. After all, does not the Bible tell us in I Timothy 2:2 that we born-again believers must pray, ‘For kings, and for all that are in authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty?’” Then she said, “Tomorrow I will pray for all of my teachers, that they seek and find the Saviour. And the principal, too. And the janitor. And the cooks.”
Just then they heard a familiar, but strange, voice call out to them, saying to them, “Hello, there.” It was the voice of the wolf’s keeper, but it was a friendly-sounding voice this time. They heard the keeper’s wolf, also, but making the sound of a friendly purring. They looked up and saw their two bullies coming toward them, but this time with smiles of amity upon their countenances. Further, both of them were carrying white flags. The wolf’s keeper was holding a big white flag on a long flagpole in both hands. The keeper’s wolf was holding a little white flag on a short flagpole in his muzzle. The wolf’s keeper called forth, “May we join you?” His sincerity and humility was quite out of character for this former beast of a man. And this savage timber wolf actually lowered his head in deference to the six here of God.
For the longest time, these six of the Lord were dumbfounded. Then Flanders said, “You and
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your wolf are welcome to join us.”
“Are you sure that that is wise, Brother?” Proffery asked his fellow believer.
“Thank you. Thank you,” said the wolf’s keeper. And the two joined the six.
Suspicious, Proffery asked, “What brought you here to us this time?”
And the wolf’s keeper spoke and said, “We got whooped bad in a fight. I got whooped. My wolf got whooped.”
“Who was it who whooped you two?” asked Flanders.
The wolf’s keeper said, “It was an all-star wrestler and his pet boa constrictor.”
“Why did they do that to you?” asked Gretchen in fascination.
The wolf’s keeper confessed, “He was preaching Christ crucified and risen again in a bar that I and my wolf were in. I told him to stop. My wolf growled. But he did not stop. And my wolf growled again. And then we both went after them. That was when I and my wolf met our match.
We got whooped in a fight.”
“Was that the first time you two lost a fight?” asked Destiny.
“It was. And we were the worse for it,” said the wolf’s keeper.
“What brought you two here?” asked Proffery.
“I got to thinking, if that all-star wrestler and his boa constrictor beat us up that bad, how much worse could the Devil beat us up,” said the wolf’s keeper.
“Think how much more that Jesus could beat you two up than the Devil can,” said Flanders.
“That’s why we two came here,” said the wolf’s keeper. “I need Jesus. And my wolf wants nothing more to do with the Devil.”
“He means it, Brother,” said Proffery to Flanders.
“We can help you and your wolf,” said Flanders to the wolf’s keeper.
“I am sorry for all the trouble I gave your good and Godly little group,” said the wolf’s keeper.
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And the keeper’s wolf gave forth a gentle and kind whine to the six. “He is, too,” said the wolf’s keeper.
“With Jesus, I can win your soul for Christ,” said Flanders.
And Proffery said, “And with Jesus, I can take the demon out of your wolf,”
“God help us both in our sins,” said the wolf’s keeper about himself and his wolf. “I and my wolf are forever grateful. And we will forever be at your service. And we shall honor Jesus.”
“Well, let’s do it, good friend,” said Flanders to the wolf’s keeper.
“Are you ready, O good wolf?” asked Proffery in friendship.
And the swimdress twins’ boyfriends went to work upon their two former worst enemies.
And Flanders led the wolf’s keeper to so great salvation. And Proffery exorcised the demon out of the keeper’s wolf.
And when they were done with their work in the Lord, the boyfriends said, “Amen!”
And the swimdress twins said, “Amen!”
And the wolf’s keeper said, “Amen!”
Then the swimdress twins shook hands with this wolf’s keeper. And the keeper’s wolf and Fleet and Genre began to play games together. And the Devil lost two more of his servants to the Lord.
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